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Original poster

Can you get a parent being toxic to one of their offspring and not the other?

53 replies

Alambil · 28/03/2011 23:22

Just wondering...

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/03/2011 23:31

From personal experience I would have to say yes. Especially when a narcissist is involved. They very often have favourites and scapegoats.

Did you want to talk about it? I used to be nametaken by the way.

bingethinker · 28/03/2011 23:32

Yes, and I think usually they are unaware of it. My dh does this to my son, to an extent. Have posted elsewhere about how I'm starting to try to tackle it.

garlicbutter · 28/03/2011 23:35

No, but the favoured one may not realise the impact of their toxic background until much later than the other/s - if ever. Exposure to the abuse of a peer is damaging and dehumanising, as is the incorrect belief that one is naturally entitled to privilege.

Babynothing · 29/03/2011 01:00

Yes I think you definately can. My grandmother blatently prefers her daughter to her son (My dad). It is so apparant that even as a really small child I was aware of it, apparantly I even asked my dad once why 'Grandma loves Auntie K more that you?' Which is really shocking when I look back. I can't understand how anyone could blatently prefer one child over another, it is such a terrible way to treat a child.
Worse thing is my dad is a wonderful person and a hardworking husband and loving father. His sister is a hysterical, vapid fool yet got all the love and attention, go figure eh!

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 29/03/2011 01:04

Absolutely. I was golden child (not so much anymore, but hey) and my two younger siblings were not. I was most like my Father, I was compliant and easy. My two younger sisters were much more confident much earlier on my Dad is very toxic to them now, even though their approaching their 30s. He's started being toxic to me too, but that may have something to do with me telling him I'll vote labour (I honestly didn't do it to see the look on his face, but it was SO worth it....)

Oh... and my Dad blatantly prefers DGS2 over DGS1 (my son). He's MUCH more clever and much more capable, apparently.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/03/2011 07:15

Being favoured, being the golden child, is still a toxic experience, it's just less obvious to the person being treated that way.

CharCharGabor · 29/03/2011 07:20

My sister is my mother's golden child and I am the scapegoat (although I haven't seen her for two years now.) I can honestly say that it's done my sister just as much damage as me.

thisishowifeel · 29/03/2011 09:37

Yes, my sister was the much preferred golden child. Just because someone else got a job that she wanted, she thought it was ok to go and burn the employers house down. She was so used to always getting what she wanted at any cost. Seems pretty damaged to me.

She still has a bizarre sense of superior entitlement, desipte therapy being part of her sentence.

thisishowifeel · 29/03/2011 09:39

Scapegoats can escape. After all, why would they stay? Golden children don't escape, after all, why would they. I'd say it is far worse to be the golden child.

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 09:40

Yes (from personal experience)

However, the favoured one suffers too, it just does them a different kind of damage

TheCrackFox · 29/03/2011 09:54

IMO it is better to be the scapegoat because you realise quite early on that there is something unfair about your childhood. Golden children tend to maintain a sense of superiority and entitlement through out their lives.

corygal · 29/03/2011 10:13

Yes, of course. Favouritism is always a popular choice on the Toxic Parent's Meanness Menu. Narcs love it too.

The tricky bit iis dealing with it (suggest gently stay away.)

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 10:44

I would probably say no... it could just be that the least favoured one is a pain in the ass.

If the parent were genuinely toxic, surely both or more would be abused.

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 10:48

Leopardino, that is a spectacularly misinformed comment

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 11:27

Which part?

droves · 29/03/2011 11:56

Leopardino , a toxic or narcassist parent , does have scapegoat(s) and favorite(s).
They work on devide and conquer tacktics with thier children.

The also have to be seen to the outside world as nice people . Thats easier if only one of their children is the chosen "victim".

If 3 out of 4 children say that the parent is a good parent , then it must be the last childs fault .The last child /victim is always labeled a "problem child".

Toxic parents are highly skilled at being manipulative and sneakky. They get away with most of what they do because they are a good enough parent to only some of their children.

Im glad you dont understand toxic parents , because that means you have never had experience of one.

droves · 29/03/2011 11:59

From what i know , scapegoats tend to end up nicer people , because they learn empathy.
Golden child/ favorite just learns thats its ok to be vile to others and that they end up with an overblown sence of entiltlement.

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 12:08

I suppose I'm biased here. I'm the favourite, my brother has a very distant relationship, and I don't view my parents as toxic or bad parents.

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 12:10

Oh it definitly happens.
I see it every day.

IslaValargeone · 29/03/2011 12:15

droves, that was a very charitable post by you to Leopardino, my hat is off to you.

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 12:21

I suppose this point has been considered before, but I don't see how the thrust of my point was misinformed, especially seeing I used the word "could".

Just because one child doesn't get on with their parents, doesn't mean the parents are toxic. It could be that the child is toxic. What's controversial about that?

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 12:23

Refining the point here further, how many of the mums on this site are "toxic"? How many would describe their mums as toxic? Shouldn't the numbers be roughly equal?

ronshar · 29/03/2011 12:33

We have that problem even now. We are all in our 30's.
Out of 6 one is def the golden child. That is even the nickname used by the rest of us.

It causes problems because golden child manipulated our mother into believing we are all horrible to her.
Apparently we all bullied her when we were children! Total crap. It was a different one who was on the receiving end of horrible sibling behaviour.

Our mother thinks the sun shines out of golden child butt. We all know that is so not true.

DH was the left out one. He has a massive chip on his shoulder and he is over 40!

Leopardino · 29/03/2011 12:37

I don't want to take this off track too much, but isn't ronshar sort of exemplifying my point. Her mum thinks she was bullied, everyone was horrible to her. The children (except one) think that's not true, and she's the toxic one.

If it were the other way round (family picking on one child) we'd definitely call the family toxic. Of course, they would deny it, but they're toxic and narcissistic?

Are Ronshar and her siblings narcissistic bullies?

mynewme · 29/03/2011 12:45

I am also the "scapegoat" and my sister is the golden child. The thing is, the favoured one can be abused too - my sister is controlled by money, she gets everything she demands but it seems to me to be at a price as she is under the control of our mother who uses the money she gives her to make demands back, keep her in a certain place and ensure my mother keeps herself at at the centre of my sister's universe, if that makes any sense. I'm glad I got to escape, and my mother can't throw the "after everything we've done for you" card at me.

Leopardino - what about children who are physically, emotionally and sexually abused by their parents, you are not surely saying its their fault it happened as they must not have been nice children . Please stop being dismissive of people's real experiences.

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