is this as good as it gets

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

I am in a relationship with a lovely man, he is adorable, thoughtful, caring, and great with my child.

Every time I see him he shows up with flowers, a take away, something for DS. If I am stressed or DS is feeling down, he certainly goes the extra mile to make us feel better. He is a great friend, we have many things in common and are able to have a good laugh most of the time. He has been to my side holding my hand in very hard times and he is also great in.. well you know.. For those that may be already wondering if this is just the "honey moon period", it may be, but it has stayed the same for more than 2 years.

So... what is the downside? Well, it is 2 years together and he has not shown any tangible efforts to settle down with me, he says I'm the love of his life and that he wants to settle down with me but not just yet (or for the looks of it, not even in the foreseeable future).

He has been to my side providing support in the way best friends do. But if we talk of practical support... not much, almost nothing considering how long we have been together, things are still very much separated (my family/your family, my time/your time, my house/your house, my money/your money, my child/your child.

We could be better off if we joined forces and lived together, but he has no interest in changing the status quo as he has family matters to attend to so in that aspect I think he is not quite "available" (no other woman, his ex wife is already settled in another relationship but he has an elderly person to care for and a very frail mother, in addition of needing some time/space for 1-2-1 with his own son).

I always wanted a family and have always been very open about it, it is not that I want another baby, I am over 40 now, but I would like to be able to have normal family life instead of seeing him 2-3 times a week if we are lucky.

Amy I wasting my time, or is this as good as it gets considering my age, and fading looks, and a rather small population of locally available men?

How much interest or part do you take in the care of his elderly dependents or his son?

I would say you probably will have a 'normal' family life, just not at the moment,his reasons seem valid and rather wonderful - caring for an elderly person, frail mother and quality time with his son, it's not like his reasons are that he wants to go out boozing with his mates or anything... Along with the other positive points he sounds like a bit of a gem TBH.

I am late 40s myself, and don't think your age/looks should be any reason to panic.. there's lots of time left

I'd say concentrate and enjoy the positives.

Things will change with time..

This doesn't have to be as good as it gets if that' not what you wnat.

Have you had a proper talk about how you feel with him?

Have you tried to involve yourself more in his life so it isn't so seperated?

Do your DCs get together and see each other?

I agree with JellyKat too.

Sounds like he has a lot to juggle and is managing pretty well.

I knew a man like this at work. When his mother died, he did actually marry his long time girlfriend - so men like this do definitely exist.

I wouldn't leave him if he's that good; the good ones are few and far between (especially good in bed AS WELL you lucky sod!)
I must say it sounds like heaven to me, it's the sort of arrangement I'd like, why are you so keen to end up washing his socks? But OK, if you want the classic family thing, maybe you could ask him what conditions he's waiting for in order to move on to what you want. You've known him long enough to ask, anyway.

Do you love each other? Do you plan ahead, eg joint holidays, theatre tickets or whatever? I guess it depends how long you are willing to wait for him to want the same thing as you. I've had relationships where I was happy to be separate in the way that you describe, and went on to marry one of them. It didn't work, I didn't care enough for him to want to spend every possible moment with him. Since then I have met someone who truly is the love of my life, and although we don't live together at the moment, we hate being apart and are talking about how things will be when we can live together and hoping it won't be much longer.

You have a son - he has a son. He also has an elderly person and a frail mother to care for. If you want evidence that you moving in together would not be any guarantee of a "normal" family and would not make everything perfect then pop along to the step-parenting forum and fill your boots!

I think he sounds lovely and is probably being realistic in the circumstances - he has a lot on his plate and probably wouldn't have the time to devote to making a new family situation work.

If you love him and want to be with him I would stop worrying, enjoy what you have and your time will come.

Just be glad he isn't rushing to move you in to do all the donkey work!

Thank you for your posts, here are the answers:

How much do I participate in helping him care for his mum, grandmother and child?
Much interest, actually, I feel somewhat rejected that he doesn't want his son to spend more time with us (we see him once every few months), DS and him seem to have a good time together, but DP thinks that as he spends such a little time with him he prefers to have most of that time on his own with him. I understand what he means, and I think the motives are good, but I feel as if we are hidden in a cupboard when the child is around. As for his mother and grandmother, I have offered to help, but he insists he has to do it himself and he also says that he spends such amount of time dealing with their needs that when he is with me he wants to disconnect from all his other side of his life and have a good rest. He doesn't seem to want me and DS to mix with them, we are not considered for Christmas or other family celebrations, he normally shows up after he has finished whatever he is doing with them.

Jellycat, agree about the reasons being good, but now that you mention going out with his friends... he is very shy, so although he had some very good friends (that we don't see at all), he is quite reluctant to mix much with mine, so... it is as if we are living in an island. I don't think this is good at all.

OMDB, yes I have talked to him about how I feel in many occasions, yes, I have tried to involve myself more so we are not "separated" but it has been a very slow process, ie. he didn't give me keys to his house until after a year of being in what he says is a very committed relationship, he thought it was "too familiar" [!?!?!?]

I agree with others - enjoy what you have - once you live with someone and have to do their washing, listen to their snoring etc etc etc the novelty soon wears off. Why exactly do you want more from the relationship? It sounds ideal - you both have your own space, you can both concentrate on your own children (how would your DS really feel if he moved in with you?) and he is obviously very caring towards his elderly relatives. He sounds wonderful .

Just what is holding you back from relaxing and enjoyiing your lovely relationship?

fridascrufs... I doubt I will end up washing his socks, having said that I have no problem in adding his to my load of washing if necessary. Having said that, he wouldn't agree to it... actually, I have borrowed his washing machine in the past and he ALWAYS ALWAYS takes his clothes out before I put mine in, even if they are the same colour and fabric and that would mean the washer would be washing less than half the load... again, I don't know what to make up of it but it is like a quiet "statement" of "my stuff/your stuff"

mrshomer, he doesn't like to plan ahead at all, I cannot even ask him to plan the weekend in advance, forget about a future together. He just doesn't want to discuss anything in detail. He is ok saying he wants to be with me forever, but he is not happy to discuss anything related to "how"

By the way, an important thing to mention, he lives in a city and works in another, I live just half way between them, a 40 minutes drive to his city and his work (in opposite directions).

Glass, I took care of my grandmothers in the way he cares for his family. For me, taking care of elderly/frail/infirm members of the family in a regular basis is part of being a "normal" family. Which is also one of the reasons I feel somewhat rejected, I have always been in relationships were I was "part of a team", and my family, despite of the differences we have, also operates as a team. So not being allowed to participate of that care also feels as if ... well as if I were not being allowed to be a true member of the family IYWIM.

Ragworth... you are right, I think what is holding me back from relaxing is... the lack of commitment, he is a fantastic friend, but in practical matters I am on my own. I miss being part of a team.

Side note: One of the reasons my ex husband and I grew apart was that he used to travel a lot, so although I am a very independent person, I don't feel quite happy with having a relationship that is mainly based on telephone calls and touching base one or two times a week.

OP - I guess we are all different aren't we - I think one of the things that holds DH and I together (23 years married ) is that he travels so much that we are rarely together ............. when he is home I can feel myself counting the days until the next trip. Dreading retirement .

Hmm well i am beginning to understand where you are coming from a bit.

Do you think with all his other commitments, he doesn't have much for his 'me' time, and is therefore guarded about protecting that?

The other thing is what's the history with the mother of his DS i.e is it possible that it started to go wrong once they moved in together, or anything similar?

I really feel for you. It's as though he really compartmentalises his life and nothing overlaps. After two years I can well understand you wanting to start to integrate more.
I don't know why but alarm bells are ringing a little for me. He sounds lovely, but way too guarded about his friendships and inner circle. After two years, it doesn't sound as though you've been able to forge any kind of relationship with his ds either.
In essence, it doesn't sound as though he really wants to share his life with you at the moment, despite his proclarations of love.

His life is incredibly compartmentalised, isn't it, even down to taking out one washing if another is going in. Something is amiss here. I hear the bells that Curlywurly is hearing.

There's a rejection of togetherness or intimacy going on, not just commitment.

He does sound very guarded and I am one of these people who likes to keep things seperate as well.
I would have thought by now you would have at least met his mother/grandmother.
Saying that, I have a lot on as well and when I see dp I like it to be just 'us' time without any of the outside pressures of 'life' (we had lived together for 5 years prior to this though and the pressures really took their toll, ) we are definetly suited to compartmentalising and slotting each other in.
Your dp is obviously like this and if your not, you really need to ask if you can carry on this way, if you can't then you need to have a serious talk with him about how he can integrate you a bit more into his life.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going at the speed you would like or in the right direction. Lovely for you, though, that you have found such a good guy. Wish I could. I have given up!

I have met his mother, grandmother, and a couple of childhood friends. It's just that we (we being DS and I) don't see them as much. Perhaps twice a year which wouldn't be odd if he was not such a family man. He sees his family, depending on their needs at particular times, between 2-7 times a week.

But yes, it is odd. For example, his mum has been in hospital for almost 4 months, I knew he was concerned that he couldn't visit when his child was around so I offered to take care of his child so he could go to the hospital, he said no. I then offered to wait with his child in the hospital cafeteria so he could go up to check on his mum and... no, he wouldn't leave his child with me nor even for half an hour. The child is 5 years old but DP gets over worried that he might get upset if he leaves his side.

I had another relationship after my divorce and before I met DP. He also had children and they were very much in the picture all the time, we used to do lots of things together, it was great. We often hear people comments saying that if they see us with the children together, it was difficult to find out which child "belonged" to who, he treated DS as if he was his and his children are still very much in my heart even when I no longer see them. I loved those children and our "family" time. So the relationship we have with his son seems painfully distant to me. DP was also very distant to DS, but has warmed up to him in he last months... he cares for him, DS has started referring to him as his "half-dad", and yes DS has asked me to marry him (if only...)

Ragwort, perhaps that's the root of all the problem, my exh might not be away often enough!

Jellykat, the relationship with his ex was a very distant one. They met and got engaged very quickly (more like weeks rather than months), they started living together very soon. But when I hear him talking about that it seems very much like a relationship of two flatmates. They had a house in common, split the bills rigourously by half, had separate accounts, he says he often felt under a lot of pressure financially to keep up with her expenses as she was earning far more than him, so what for her was a doodle for him was a big financial effort.

Something that struck me of him in the early days was that he said that until he met me, he finally understood friends who said their partners were their best friends, the people they wanted to be with at all times, as before me he thought they were making that up . It seems to me I'm the first relationship he has had where there is a "big" degree of intimacy. The one he had with his ex sounds very business like IYWIM. So perhaps that is the problem and the standard he got used to.