is this as good as it gets

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

I am in a relationship with a lovely man, he is adorable, thoughtful, caring, and great with my child.

Every time I see him he shows up with flowers, a take away, something for DS. If I am stressed or DS is feeling down, he certainly goes the extra mile to make us feel better. He is a great friend, we have many things in common and are able to have a good laugh most of the time. He has been to my side holding my hand in very hard times and he is also great in.. well you know.. For those that may be already wondering if this is just the "honey moon period", it may be, but it has stayed the same for more than 2 years.

So... what is the downside? Well, it is 2 years together and he has not shown any tangible efforts to settle down with me, he says I'm the love of his life and that he wants to settle down with me but not just yet (or for the looks of it, not even in the foreseeable future).

He has been to my side providing support in the way best friends do. But if we talk of practical support... not much, almost nothing considering how long we have been together, things are still very much separated (my family/your family, my time/your time, my house/your house, my money/your money, my child/your child.

We could be better off if we joined forces and lived together, but he has no interest in changing the status quo as he has family matters to attend to so in that aspect I think he is not quite "available" (no other woman, his ex wife is already settled in another relationship but he has an elderly person to care for and a very frail mother, in addition of needing some time/space for 1-2-1 with his own son).

I always wanted a family and have always been very open about it, it is not that I want another baby, I am over 40 now, but I would like to be able to have normal family life instead of seeing him 2-3 times a week if we are lucky.

Amy I wasting my time, or is this as good as it gets considering my age, and fading looks, and a rather small population of locally available men?

If what he has with you is his version of intimacy, I'd wonder what strange definitions he might have for other aspects of relationships.

Or maybe the 'revelation' about the best friends was some sort of hook to make you think there was something special between you and keep you interested, to make you think you were some sort of ministering angel for him, meeting his alleged needs while at the same time he conducted a really bizarrely separate life.

The business with his son and his fears that the boy would be upset if he left him with you -- how did you feel when he said that? Do you consider yourself someone a child might be afraid of? Are you awkward with children? I suspect the answer is no since you got along fine with the other children who have been in your life, yet this man implied you and his son could not be inthe same room alone together. That is something that I would find hurtful, tbh.

The previous relationship he had -- whose idea was it to go Dutch?
Whose idea was it to move in/get married?

Does any of this sound like him?:
www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html

5/35 no abusive or unpredictable behaviour as described on the document. How many points give you a "Run to the mountains" score?

Math, I have no idea where the idea of going dutch came from, he is a bit tight at some points but he is also ridiculously generous so... not sure what to make out of it.

He seems all over the place, tbh. Moving in fast but keeping finances separate, tight and generous, with you in some ways (mostly verbal) but not integrating his life with yours at all.

If you take away things he says about you and the relationship from things he does to or for the relationship, what are you left with?

OP, What a situation eh?.. I am not one for waving immediate 'Red Flags' unless it is blindingly obvious, and that is me speaking as someone who is 3 months out of an Abusive relationship...but i will say there could be a couple of alarm bells ringing here, however these bells could be possibly explained away.

It could be that his relationships have always been on a non romantic, practical level and as you say, he has come to accept that as the norm, up until now. Alternatively it could be how he initially wanted it and his XP accepted it..IYSWIM.

You can either- accept it as is,retain your independence/enjoy the good bits, and see what unfolds,
or take a gamble and say how you feel with some sort of ultimatum.
or decide not to waste your time as he won't change and end it.

I'd say that's a lot to think about,do it slowly and trust your instincts x

I kind of think you're on a loser here if you want more from him, tbh.

The not being able to plan ahead for things: it smells fishy to me.

I think maybe he's Mr Right for you but you might be Ms Right-Now for him.

I am a really cynical person so feel free to ignore me

But he is acting like there is something he doesn't want you to know or potentially find out from any members of his family

keeping somebody at such arm's length, even a child during a hospital crisis, is very strange behaviour and says to me that he has something to hide

his words and actions do not match...and that is always a red flag to me

Ok, he is not the abusive kind, quite the opposite, he is always trying to please everybody to the point that I think he is abusing his own persona.

He had a very old fashioned upbringing, with "make your parents proud" at the centre of his life. He is sooooooo considerate that many times he over worries about things the usual person would be more relaxed about: I really had to had a long talk to him to explain him that he could relax around my house and make himself a cup of tea or get some biscuits, or put the dishwasher on. But he won't go any further than that, sometimes I think he feels far too much respect for what is "mine" even if we are talking about taking a banana from the fruit bowl.

When I am at his house, I'm not allowed to do the dishes, cook, or help in any other way (I am literally "ordered" to have a rest on the sofa and watch TV until he finishes with the shores why on earth am I complaining of this????-), I think he is doing it because he doesn't want to inconvenience me, his family, the neighbours, or even the universe. But to be honest I just wish he could relax, learn that people really don't care that much about those things, for example, understanding that nothing untoward is going to happen with his child if he is out of view for 10 minutes. That his mother is not going to end up extremely tired if I pop in for 5 minutes, and that I don't mind helping him clean the house after grandma has made a mess in it.

Obviously, the above doesn't have anything to do with the lack of interest to commit, or does it?

I think what some may be thinking here is that he has more than one girlfriend.

I don't think he has another lady, i don't reckon he'd have the time for a start!..

I think there's some real deep rooted issues to do with his upbringing/past relationships..Just a thought- what's he like at your house? maybe if you do everything 50/50 there i.e cooking/washing up/ taking turns to make cups of tea etc, so he has practical imput there and sees day to day stuff as a partnership,he may get used to it and feel it's ok for you to do the same at his?