I think my husband is selfish but is it me? What do you think? long, but please help!

[WHATISHAPPENING]

My dd is 16 wks old and I am the sole earner in our house, mainly because I earn a lot more than my DH ever could and we need this much to pay for our mortgage, which incidentally is just on a 3 bed semi. My DH looks after our dd and ds (3yrs). When I returned to work after 6 wks maternity leave I had to start back part time as dd wasn't very well. My boss was a nightmare (like he was when I took maternity with my dd) and I suffered from stress really badly. To cut a long story short my dr signed me off work but my boss made my life such a nightmare that to make things easier for myself I went back to work full time as I couldn't bear the stress of a tribunal, which is what I think would otherwise would have happened.

We also have money worries, as my income has gone down dramatically as majority of my pay is profit related and there have been no profits for a couple of years. We recently had to sell one of our cars to pay the finance off as can no longer afford it. I have asked my DH to find some part time work but I can tell he doesn't want to. He says I should be fighting for a pay rise at work. I feel as though he is making all the problems mine, that I have to worry about everything. On top of this he will not take my ds (3) to any clubs - if my mum isn't around to take him, he doesn't go unless I go into work mega early (like 6am) and take a couple of hours off so that he can go. I feel that being the one at home he should take him, and also, this was agreed when he originally gave up work to care for DS - that he would take him to clubs etc and that if necessary he would work part time to support my income.

Anyway yesterday we had a big row over something really small and stupid - isn't it always the way?! - and he told me that he is really unhappy with me and that I make him feel really bad about himself. He says he has been unhappy with me for a long time, although later he said it was just since I had all the hassle with my boss. I can see that he was genuinely unhappy but I really feel as though he is not supporting me. On top of all this to be honest I think he is more down because he smokes weed every single night and all weekend and has a habit whereby he is only happy when he has it. I hate that he does this, I find it embarassing even to say on here that he does it, I think it'll be hard to hide from the kids when they're older and also it costs a fortune.

I think he has it much easier than me and feel that now when times are bad in terms of the stress we have and he has to put a bit of effort in that it seems too much for him and that because I can't provide the answers and the money for everything that he is throwing a bit tantrum and acting like a spoilt child.

I don't know whether to try and sympathise with him and try and work things out just to make things easier here or whether he deserves it really? After all, sorry if it sounds awful, but I don't think I do respect him when he won't help out more with our finances trouble and expects me to do with anything that may have the remotest amount of stress attached? What do I do?

Tell him you will no longer fund his drug addiction and he needs to move out and get clean

Paying for childcare would be cheaper than buying weekly supplies of weed

I think the weed is probably largely responsible for his inertia and poor mood.

I can't get my head round why he doesn't take the dc to clubs, it just sounds like laziness. I consider that part of being at home is doing pretty much all the running round after the kids to clubs & stuff.

He probably doesn't recognise that the weed has any detrimental effects on him or your lives, but he's a heavy user. I don't know what you do, tbh, but you're not being selfish.

I will put this quite simply. Tell him to get off the drugs, get off his backside, and start looking for a job, or to go.

He doesnt want to be a SAHD, he wants to bum around all day getting stoned, while you do all the work.

He sounds like he needs to do a lot of growing up, and sort himself out, and yes, he is being very selfish.

Paying for childcare would be cheaper than buying weekly supplies of weed

Indeed. And perhaps if he wasn't smoking so much, he might want to take your DC out during the day.

Does your DS go to pre-school?

Does he smoke weed while in charge of the DC?

What do you mean by clubs? I was never one to do mother-toddlers clubs so I can sympathise with him on that point.

Does he do anything with the DC when they are home or are they left to watch TV all day?

He is either a stay at home dad (and do all the things that come with this - taking kids to clubs, swimming, trips out, doing the shopping, cleaning, cooking...) or he is a lazy arse who needs to get a job.

I think some dads who stay at home can feel a bit - not sure, but maybe not 'manly' (old stereotypes of man being the hunter and woman being chained to the sink...). I suppose since it isn't his choice (more a matter of economics) but then, lots of families have 2 parents working with the woman earning more.

He sounds depressed - or it could be the smoking. Either way, he sounds like he is not in control of anything very much in his life, so he has just abdicated all responsibility and reverted to childhood himself. He needs a wake-up call.

My DS does go to pre-school.

By clubs I can understand that the toddler groups may be a bit scary for a bloke, so although I would prefer him to take DS and DD I can let that one go, but things like gym and swimming I think he should do.

He does not smoke weed during the day, just in the evening (as soon as I get home from work at around 5.30) and then all weekend.

With regards to the DC he is very good with them otherwise, absolutely adores them and they him. He plays with them a lot. He is not so good at taking them out now that the DD is so little and was the same with DS when he was very young but when DS was not so new he used to take him out dog walking, visit relatives (mine and his) and shopping etc.

I have been funding him about £80 week but he spends more as he earns on average about £30 week in profit on ebay.

What I dont understand is, you say you are the only one who works because you can earn so much more than he "ever could". But why does that mean he cant work?

Part time jobs, especially for men are very hard to come by. Has he ever worked?

If you finances are in such dire straits, then he does need to look for work, even if it is bar work in the evening. Or night shifts in a supermarket or a warehouse. That will stop him blowing over £100 a week up in smoke. And no need for childcare as you will be at home while he is at work.

OK, you had one plan, and now things have changed: your income isn't as high, and being a mother of a baby has affected you more than you thought, re illness, bosses attitude etc. neither of you is happy.

So it's time for a joint re-plan. Together. You are both partners with an equal role to play in manging your family for the good of the children. Equal partnership does not mean sharing each thing equaly but using your various stengths and resources (such as job, time) to make the best of each other's potential.

Is it best for you now to remain sole earner? Are you both happy with your roles? What would make you happier - as in 'I would like to work less / be at home more / feel less pressure' - not 'I would like YOU to....'.

Stop attacking each other over what IS and start afresh for what you would like.

Yes he has worked, he gave up his job to look after DS when he was born because the child care would have been as much as his take home pay and because I work such long hours it would have meant a long day with someone else all day but I agree, he can work when I'm not and that is what I want him to do.

He sounds depressed to me.The smoking will be causing some of that, but it is probably a bit wider too, and he might have increased smoking because of low mood as much as causing it. Low mood will make him less likely to do things like clubs, feeling able to work, feeling able to support you etc. He might have been throwing out a plea for help telling you how unhappy he is.

You have 2 options, if you love him and think you can respect him again (and have the energy) you can help him through it, starting with a weed ban and a trip to the gp, ending with him finding part time work and some self respect. If that sounds like things have gone too far to recover, give him an ultimatum: get clean and man up financially, or leave. He is more likely to achieve with your help I would imagine.

Blu I had spoken to him about us both maybe finding new jobs because of boss etc and suggested how we could get by with some money I would get from my shares to top up less income in the meantime and then when mortgage is due for renewal in 3 years we could always extend term of mortgage if need be if we then are struggling with our income but he just said things like sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere etc and didn't really seem committed to that being a feasible idea that he would support. I do think he probably does sound depressed, and whilst I know he loves being home with the DC I realise it can also be very isolating and difficult, and probably more so if you are a male in this role. However, I'm not sure if it is me that makes him like this - I know for sure I do a hell of a lot more to help out in the house than he ever would If i was a SAHM or if it is the smoking that makes him like this even if he can't accept it?

I'm also inclined to say tell him to dump the weed or be dumped. I've just seen too many households living under undue stress because of weed-related issues. However, I don't know how addicted your H is and whether his habit is affecting him adversely. He is an unhappy man, and it's always tempting to blow away your unhappiness with a little 'helper', be that wine or weed.

What does he want? How does he envisage family life? Telling you to push for a raise seems a tad irresponsible under present conditions, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here - perhaps he does know what he wants and is afraid to tell you?

I take a very strict view on drugs admittedly, but for me nothing else matters until he's off the weed. That is absolute priority.

It's one thing to get stoned when you are a young man with no responsibility but he's got two little children FFS.

Firstly dump the weed, all that will do is highten any emotion he's already feeling. It will cause depression and won't allow him to 'think' straight or be in a reasonable frame of mind when you talk to him!

Secondly you need to talk to him, and I mean REALLY talk to him. Tell him not to interupt and outline everything that's making you unhappy, then let him do the same. Do not interupt him either, write it all down. You can then both look at compromising and adjusting your lifestyle, also take into consideraion his thoughts, feelings and suggestions too.

Thirdly, don't do everything yourself, you're making a rod for your own back, sometimes doing everything to help the situation or make your OH happy doesn't always work and has the opposite effect. If you stop and insist he does it then he'll appreciate what you do do, and you won't end up feeling like a door mat.

Good luck!

I am not buying the depression thing here at all. It is smoking so much dope that is making him lethargic and giving him mood swings.

My stepdaughter is in almost the same situation, with a loser who expects her to do all the providing, while he sits at home getting stoned, bleating that he cant get a job. Yes, the job market is bloody hard at the moment, but it isnt impossible and for the vast majority of men, staying at home while their partner goes out to work is not what they want. Male pride is a big thing, and it is in a mans nature to provide for his family. Yes, I realise that this is an old fashioned view these days, but as a society, child care is geared around mothers being the stay at home parent if one parent is going to stay at home.

Agree with Garlic and Freudian.

First step - no more drugs. You cannot afford it. I know there are people who see weed as being not that bad (I am not one of them) but that is beside the point. He is wasting money that you cannot afford.

Once he has been clean for a couple of months, then sit down and discuss finances and options.

No point in doing it now when his thinking is clouded.

Whatis,

Your income as well is providing the weed for your H. I would think the depression/weed are very much tied in; the weed has caused him to become lethargic, depressed and morose. BTW he may well go onto lose everything and he may still choose the weed. His primary relationship is currently with this substance and you all are nowhere near the top of his priority list.

You are ultimately not responsible for this man (he tries to make you feel responsible for him by stating that he's been unhappy with you for a long time) but you are currently enabling him. You need to show him there are consequences for his actions, you need to be strong and tell him to leave. He is acting like a spoilt child partly because he can do so as well.

You already have two children and you do not need to parent a third i.e your DH. He needs to go and as soon as possible. The children as well do not need a weed smoker who puts his needs well before theirs and yours.

Yes, the first thing is him stopping the weed or at least radically cutting down. It would be the same if he was spending that much money on wine/computer games or whatever: when he's not contributing any money to the household, he shouldn't be spending such a large proportion of what comes in on himself.
Because at the moment you're carrying him, and what with all the weed, I doubt he's a good enough shag to justify his keep.

£120 per week on weed? That's . Very bad.
And it's outrageous that your earnings seem to go into the general household pot while his e bay profit (£120 per month is significant income in terms of a sainsbury's shop, for instance) goes stright up in smoke.That is NOT partnership.

It's almost as if you need a contract between you - he will do this and that and contribute childcare and a specified list of household jobs, you will contibute your bit - you will pay all monies into a household account to cover bills, house, food - and each have an agreed amount of free spending money.

The working/SAHP role is irrelevant in the face of the weed smoking. He can't work when he's smoking that much. He can't look after your children adequately when he's smoking that much. They are already suffering by not being taken out as much as they were before - and you say he's only happy when he does it, so he's unhappy when he's caring for them/"depressed" generally? That can't be great for them, surely? I mean I know you don't need to be bouncing happy rainbows all day to look after kids, but it's better for them if he's not like this.

You're right as well it will be hard to hide from them when they are older. And what about passive smoking? Particles on his clothing, in his hair etc. I don't know the risks offhand but I'm sure there must be some. And where does he keep it? What would happen if one day one of the children found his stash and ate some? What happens if you get into financial difficulty or his ebay trading falls and he can't pay his bills? I doubt his supplier(s) would send you a nice little letter, or take you to court. I expect they know where you live? The risks are too great. Uncontrolled drug use is completely incompatible with family life.

The problem here is NOT YOU. It's the weed. He's not lazy if he can be bothered to make £30 a week on ebay, he just can't be bothered to do the other stuff. He needs to either come off the drugs, seriously and completely, or leave, because at the moment he's creating more work for you and affecting the whole family. In fact I'd be inclined to say go for a trial separation while he tries to get off it as well, since his moods and behaviour are likely to be worse if he's suffering withdrawal. If he does get clean, and if you still want to, then that's the time to make a go of it. But you'll probably have to move so that he's not in contact with his friends at the moment who are into drugs, who are normalising it for him. And then he will have to be really disciplined not to find new friends who think drugs are normal, or cool, or acceptable in any way. I suppose it's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth it, or maybe he could be just as good a father (better, perhaps?) if you lived apart.

If he wants to prioritise weed over his family, that's his call, you can't make the decision for him, but you don't just have to put up with it. You need to tell him it's one or the other - the weed goes, or he goes.

He has never smoked in the day, even when he worked (before giving up to be SAHD) he used to not smoke all day but as soon as he got home smoke straight away. So it probably sounds a little bizarre, but he can get through the day perfectly happy without it - although by about 5.30/6.00 he's starting to get a bit needy........ With regards to smoking he always wears a different coat to go out and smoke, or if it's not that type of weather he changes his top when he comes back in if the children are still up and around him. The supplier thing for me is not an issue cus it's his mates it comes from and he always pays there and then so thankfully those aren't things to be concerned about but for sure it is just the fact that I hate everything about it and whilst I could have turned a blind eye so to speak if it was something he did maybe weekend nights - a bit like you would maybe have a social drink - because it is such a regular need it really winds me up. That and the fact that we now don't have the money!

Many thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions everyone... will think about it and decide on course of action......

You are giving him £80 per week? Are you getting the same allowance?

If he goes to an interview he will smell really strongly of weed. Is he really likely to get a job then?

What would happen if you just stopped the allowance? Do you have a shared bank account?

It's obvious that it's the weed that makes him lethargic and moody. Have you spoken to him about stopping?

It must be really hard for you in this situation. I hope you manage to sort it.