I think my husband is selfish but is it me? What do you think? long, but please help!

[WHATISHAPPENING]

My dd is 16 wks old and I am the sole earner in our house, mainly because I earn a lot more than my DH ever could and we need this much to pay for our mortgage, which incidentally is just on a 3 bed semi. My DH looks after our dd and ds (3yrs). When I returned to work after 6 wks maternity leave I had to start back part time as dd wasn't very well. My boss was a nightmare (like he was when I took maternity with my dd) and I suffered from stress really badly. To cut a long story short my dr signed me off work but my boss made my life such a nightmare that to make things easier for myself I went back to work full time as I couldn't bear the stress of a tribunal, which is what I think would otherwise would have happened.

We also have money worries, as my income has gone down dramatically as majority of my pay is profit related and there have been no profits for a couple of years. We recently had to sell one of our cars to pay the finance off as can no longer afford it. I have asked my DH to find some part time work but I can tell he doesn't want to. He says I should be fighting for a pay rise at work. I feel as though he is making all the problems mine, that I have to worry about everything. On top of this he will not take my ds (3) to any clubs - if my mum isn't around to take him, he doesn't go unless I go into work mega early (like 6am) and take a couple of hours off so that he can go. I feel that being the one at home he should take him, and also, this was agreed when he originally gave up work to care for DS - that he would take him to clubs etc and that if necessary he would work part time to support my income.

Anyway yesterday we had a big row over something really small and stupid - isn't it always the way?! - and he told me that he is really unhappy with me and that I make him feel really bad about himself. He says he has been unhappy with me for a long time, although later he said it was just since I had all the hassle with my boss. I can see that he was genuinely unhappy but I really feel as though he is not supporting me. On top of all this to be honest I think he is more down because he smokes weed every single night and all weekend and has a habit whereby he is only happy when he has it. I hate that he does this, I find it embarassing even to say on here that he does it, I think it'll be hard to hide from the kids when they're older and also it costs a fortune.

I think he has it much easier than me and feel that now when times are bad in terms of the stress we have and he has to put a bit of effort in that it seems too much for him and that because I can't provide the answers and the money for everything that he is throwing a bit tantrum and acting like a spoilt child.

I don't know whether to try and sympathise with him and try and work things out just to make things easier here or whether he deserves it really? After all, sorry if it sounds awful, but I don't think I do respect him when he won't help out more with our finances trouble and expects me to do with anything that may have the remotest amount of stress attached? What do I do?

From someone who lived with a "puffer" for 18 years, take it from me, the weed is so devastatingly detrimental to a relationship. There is nothing sociable about smoking weed, it is evil and destroys everything in it's midst. Your DH will certainly suffer from mood swings and, quite possibly depression either now or at some stage in his life. My Ex smoked every day, first thing in the morning he would roll a joint. Amazingly he held down a job, and, on the face of it be functioning perfectly. However, on the weekend he would never get out of bed before midday (at the earliest) and shied away from "family" occasions.

Personally I would question the fact that he "can get through the day perfectly happy without it" mine didn't, and hid it well.

Never underestimate the destruction of this drug on family life.

OP please feel free to PM me, I won't judge, just state fact.

My god. You have to stop him doing this.

He is spending £500 a month on an illegal drug and smoking it every single day in the same house as your children. It's having such an effect on his mental health that he's unable to motivate himself to find a job and is acting himself like a child.

You've had to sell your car to fund his nearly £20 a day drug habit - face it.

You find it embarrassing? What about your poor kids?

If this was a bloke drinking all night every night and then all day and night at a weekend, would you see it any differently?

Because in a way, it's no different - and in another way, it's even worse.

I'm trying not to be harsh towards you, because it sounds like you are low yourself or something I can't put my finger on. I'm sorry - but you are acting like a doormat!

I almost want to shake you and say "wake up!" This isn't something to be embarrassed about, to worry about because you are unable to give him money for his drug habit - it's something that has to stop now for the sake of your children.

As I say, I don't want to be harsh towards you but I've seen a friend chuck his life away on weed and I just don't think you're taking this seriously enough.

I think you are being very indulgent towards him. His comments about being unhappy with you are really hurtful and indicate a deep selfishness within him. Does he never consider your unhappiness and how much you do? Or does it not occur to him that it is being a weed smoking lazy so and so that is making him unhappy, not you? Why doesn't he do something about it?

Being a SAHD is all very well if he does the job properly, but he isn't. And you don't have enough money to live on. And you have to pay for his drug habit! Wow, you are so lenient towards him!

I think you are in a very difficult position because if you split up he would probably get custody as you work long hours and he is at home with the kids. I couldn't be with someone who smoked weed regularly (an occasional joint would be a different matter) or was so lazy. I would want to leave him but only if I could make a better long term plan. ie get another job that allows you to work part time and make sure he is working at least part time first - that way you will still be able to have the children. I think you need to discuss that you are unhappy working so hard and want to work part time as a first step with him also working part time and he needs to stop smoking weed.

you dont know what he is doing in the day eg smoking. if ds is at pre school the baby isnt going to tell on him ...

I spent a year or so with a stiff weed habit. At one point I was smoking five or six joints in the evening and easily double that each day at the weekend. I was doing that on three £15 (8th oz) bags per week.

I then started adding sneaky joints during the working day as well. At worst I was spending maybe £80 a week, never going more than a couple of hours without a joint, and I was permanently stoned.

£120 a week on weed is a massive habit. I'm sorry, but I flat-out don't believe that he's caning his way through that much weed in a week without having plently some during the day. If he really is just doing all that in the evenings and weekends you'd never see him because he'd permanently be outside with a joint on the go.

The supplier thing for me is not an issue cus it's his mates it comes from and he always pays there and then so thankfully those aren't things to be concerned about

Supply Class B - up to 14 years imprisonment. Do you really want your OH dealing with mates like this?

Possession Class B - up to 5 years imprisonment

I'd also be very concerned that he's in sole charge of your children while using such amounts of weed - if SS get to hear about it it could well be deemed a safeguarding issue.

Oh, and I agree with MadeUpNameForAnonymity

I agree with the others, this is a MAJOR issue and you need to be very firm for the sake of your dc. He is not fit to look after them if he is stoned and as madeup has said, if she was using that amount at that cost then your OH may well be using during the day.

I don't think custody would be granted to him if you split up or asked him to leave as he is a prolific drug user who is unable to go more than x number of hrs without weed! As someone else said of this was alcohol you would be trying to get him help and you wouldn't be giving him money to buy it.

I think you are being made to feel very guilty by him and I've no doubt that he's adding to your stress. If you are not happy at work and were on the verge of tribunal then you need to change jobs. You said that you had a plan to change jobs, do it and explain to him that you need to do this and that he needs to get clean and get a job himself. I'm very sorry that you are going though this.

I have to agree with the others. Priority number one is his cannabis addiction. I don't think you have any realistic hope of addressing any of the other problems in your relationship until that has been resolved. Relate, for instance, won't talk to you if there is an addiction going on (as I found out with my alcoholic ex). That much cannabis will be seriously screwing with his perceptions, emotions and memory as well.

The good news is that cannabis addictions aren't supposed to be as tough to crack as some others as there isn't the chemical dependency you get with, say, alcohol or opiates. The bad news is that a) he may believe the myth that you can't get addicted to cannabis, and b) his mates are his dealers so he's going to find it hard to keep away from the stuff. Oh, and c) he may simply choose not to stop. Or d) he could tell you he's stopped but will carry on smoking in secret.

If you split there is a real risk that he will get the children given his role so far. However cannabis will show up in hair-strand drugs tests for a very long time after it's been smoked.

Life with an addict is bloody hard work. I'm sorry you're facing this.

Thanks for your messages.

I just want to put a few things straight as I think some things have been misunderstood.

I totally agree that if it was alcohol it wouldn't be considered ok - that has been ONE of my points to him. I do not consider it to be ok to be smoking weed in this manner.

He is definitely NOT smoking IN THE HOUSE in front of DC. We have never had any smoking in the house (we have been together for 15 years) and neither of us like the smell of smoke in the house, even before the children came along. I am not a smoker myself and can smell it on people's clothes even if they come into the office where i work etc (but don't think i'm thinking smoking outside makes it ok). I know he isn't smoking in the day - believe me I can see when he has been smoking. I work like 5 minutes away, always go home at lunch time to feed the baby and can pop in at other times regularly. Also, I would know by the amount of jobs that get done - when he's smoking he doesn't do anything. During the day in the week he does all the household jobs, gardening etc and I can see what has been done. Yes he does smoke loads in the evening - he is constantly outside smoking or making it - another bugbear of mine because it does mean that he is not around much then really.

And also, last night we did discuss our problems very in depth and he has acknowledged that this is a major issue that he needs to sort. He is going to reduce the amount he smokes every night over the next 4 weeks so that he can cut it out. I hope he can cut it out - I did watch a programme recently on tv whereby a regular user tried to completely cut it out and failed on the first day so I'm hoping that reducing down will be a better approach. Also, when I got home from work yesterday evening he had been looking into a business opportunity, enquired about it anand seemed genuinely very excited about the prospect of doing a job like that.

I think I will give him a chance to put these things right before I decide for sure that things need to end for us. If it doesn't work and I do end up leaving him I would leave my current job and find part time work anyway and I don't think he would get custody to be honest under those circumstances as I would only have to raise the issue of why we separated. Also, I have full support of my GP with all that has been going on for me at the moment and I think she would be a strong advocate for me in keeping the children if it came to it (she has already told me she would help fight my employer if need be).

Thanks everyone for your support and well wishes.

he seems to know what to say to get you on side.

yes i am cynical. saw it in my exP - lots of grand ideas which never came to fruition....

but your "excuses" for him etc dont tally with the despair in your op.

" He is going to reduce the amount he smokes every night over the next 4 weeks"

fine - he has four weeks then.
set him and you this deadline.

so, by the Royal Wedding day you will have your answer.....

not that I am especially monarchist - but you cant get away from that date. so let it focus your mind and his -

make that four day bank holiday a good one, free of weed...

There aren't any "excuses" in here. I have simply stated the facts of our individual situation. You are correct in saying that I was in despair, which is why I posted on here, to listen to what various others think might be a solution. This is a very serious decision for me. If my children are to grow up without their father and myself in the same home then I have to know that is the best thing for them. I have considered what everyone has to say and have decided to give him a chance to reduce it.

I fully accept that he may not do this but at least if I do end up in a situation whereby it hasn't worked at least I will always know that it was definitely the right thing to do and I believe that I owe my children that chance.

No, of course people stop smoking weed ever day! Just like every other addiction, some folk do better going cold turkey and some achieve more by cutting down. In all cases, they have to be motivated and/or feel it's the right time for them.

Glad you managed to have an intelligent convo about it, OP. Don't settle for promises. But I do hope this is the 'right time' for him. If not, then you'll have to face some hard choices.

DON'T take responsibility for his cutting down! Ask him whether he wants feedback/congrats from you when he does well, or would rather be left to do it his way. I hate other people remarking on my smoking/weight loss/timekeeping, but others prefer encouragement.

Thanks garlic...... He's definitely the sort that would require recognition I think!!! Also I forgot to say that we also agreed that the money he gets reduces every week by 25% for next few weeks aswell until he gets 0 -

Now lets just see how it goes......

In the meantime was wondering if anyone knew what our situation would be re housing etc and specifically where I could get some advise from. We have a mortgage on our house and I'm guessing that we would probably end up with about £20 or £30k equity if we were to sell which we would have to if we split. Would we be eligible to apply for social housing? Also I have to give 3 months notice in my job which although my boss has been a real idiot since i've been back off maternity leave I would need to do or I would not get my share money - about £30k - and I think i've earnt it after all the effort i've put in here!

Maybe there's a local branch of Narcotics Anonymous that he could go to, it would help having support and other people in the same boat.

It would also help you to see if he is serious about it (if he comes up with excuses for not going).