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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a crush on my DPs friend....

27 replies

Butternutsquash22 · 27/03/2011 17:45

and I hate myself for it, but cant just turn it off.

It started out just harmless flirting, im flirty anyway, and am so with all of his friends, but with him there and never would be if he wasnt. He knows I'm a little bit of an attention seeker and a bit insecure so attention is nice. this would be fine but the problem is there's chemistry with this guy. And I think he likes me too.... DPs other friends joke about the fact that he likes me, but they obv dont know that I kinda like him too...

I would never do anything about my feelings, would never act on them, but I like his company because of the excitment from the chemistry. for example, I quite often go on nights out with DP and his friends, and me and this guy always end up walking home together a wee bit in front of the others, just chatting, but obviosuly we have both singled out eachother, intentionally or not.

the thing that has made me feel seriously guilty is the other week DPs friends were all round, and drinking, and me and this guy were holding hands onder a blanket. Blush We talk on facebook chat quite a lot as well, nothing is ever said about anything more than just friends, but its obvious that its there.

I know I should just avoid this guy until I get over my feelings, but its so hard, because DPs are my friends IYKWIM? so avoiding him would mean losing my social life, (and the selfish attention seeker in me doesnt want to lose the thrill..)

Help me, what do I do??

OP posts:
RealEyesRealiseRealLies · 27/03/2011 17:57

This reply has been deleted

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SoSaysSarah · 27/03/2011 18:01

It's all going to end in tears. It's just sex, that's all it is. You're going to throw your marriage and family life away for a shag which I guarantee isnt going to be all that. You're not posting on here for advice, you're posting on here because your mooning around like a teenager and you like being immersed in the drama, this post is the equivalent of you writing on your pencil case.
You hate yourself for it? Stop interacting with this man then. Concentrate on your dh and your children.

CheekyLittleSox · 27/03/2011 18:13

You need to stop it. Before it do go too far. Imagine your DP writing that he had been holding hands with another women under a blanket whilst you was in the room?! How would you feel!

noddyholder · 27/03/2011 18:17

Are you married? Sounds like you are looking for some fun and not ready to settle.

Flower1000 · 27/03/2011 18:19

I would say you just need to be careful, I'm a bit like you, flirty and like attention so can see where you are coming from. however I'd say you need to nip it in the bud now. My DP had a platonic/emotional affair which started off in just the same way you are describing. It nearly tore us apart and the hurt and upset it caused nearly ended up in divorce. 7 months down the line we are still recovering from it.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting but you need to ensure your priority lies with your DP. Hold hands and walk home with him instead and simply and quietly enjoy the fact someone else fancies you :)

Original poster
Butternutsquash22 · 27/03/2011 18:23

im not married but I am engaged. I think there is some truth behind wanting some fun before I settle down, but its not worth losing what I have with H2B for a bit of fun. IN an ideal situation I would have met him in 5 years, but I met the right guy young, and need to accept that. If im not prepared to let DP go then I need to let this guy go dont I?

because I've not been able to tell anyone about this, its good to have people telling me to get over myself and move on, going around in my head waswnt helping me forget about it.

I will avoid going out with DPs friends, I will stop talking to him on facebook, and spend some quality time with my DP. thank you ladies for the push!

OP posts:
Flower1000 · 27/03/2011 18:24

I would say you just need to be careful, I'm a bit like you, flirty and like attention so can see where you are coming from. however I'd say you need to nip it in the bud now. My DP had a platonic/emotional affair which started off in just the same way you are describing. It nearly tore us apart and the hurt and upset it caused nearly ended up in divorce. 7 months down the line we are still recovering from it.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting but you need to ensure your priority lies with your DP. Hold hands and walk home with him instead and simply and quietly enjoy the fact someone else fancies you :)

sufficient · 27/03/2011 18:30

I would never do anything about my feelings, would never act on them.

Well that's bollocks for a start, what do you call holding hands? Please come on here if you ever feel remotely like doing anything again for the pasting you deserve good advice from everyone saying STOP before you destroy however many lives.

primrose22 · 27/03/2011 18:31

Its a little harsh to suggest she sounds as though she's writing on her pencil case! I'm guessing you just wanted somewhere to open up?
I try to avoid these sort of threads, I have first hand experience of having a 'crush' on my dh friend. He is now my dp. I love him madly and my ex (who I am still on good terms with) is engaged to be married to a lovely lady.
I do agree that this sort of crush is often just a sign that someone needs to work harder at their relationship but it my case it had a very different outcome.
Good luck butternut, it sounds as though you are trying hard to make things work now x

GollyHolightly · 27/03/2011 18:33

You're being horribly disrespectful of your dh, and I think you should think very hard about whether or not you want to marry a man you have so little respect for.

noddyholder · 27/03/2011 18:35

I think you are wrong about him being the right guy wrong time. If he was the right guy timing wouldn't come into it and you wouldn't be holding hands under a blanket with someone else trying to get that 'thrill' of the initial stages of a relationship.

Original poster
Butternutsquash22 · 27/03/2011 18:39

its hard to be told that your badly in the wrong, even though im aware that I need to be told, thank you for everyone who has commented, the nice ones and the harsh ones have made me tear up and I need it, because i love my DP so much and the thought of hurting him to this extent is upsetting. I dont want to lose him, so I need to snap out of it.

I feel like such a mess

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/03/2011 18:41

Why can't you get that feeling with your dp? How long have you been together? A lot of first loves don't go the distance as people change and you do sound like you haven't got certain things out of your system yet?

Original poster
Butternutsquash22 · 27/03/2011 18:46

we've been together three years. We met at uni, and Im graduating this summer.

could it be that im finding the change from being a student to joining the 'real world' difficult, and I think it will take a bit of extra effort to keep my relationship strong through the change. In one way it would be the easy option to jump out of the relationship to be 'free' but I dont think Im ready to let go of what we have,

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/03/2011 18:47

Maybe you need to be single to do this change? Not many uni relationships last (sorry) it was a special carefree time and things do change. This guy is showing you something you are missing

da55 · 27/03/2011 18:50

i know is hard to control it but is not worth it he is friends of you both and it will break the friendship and you will loose your respect with the other friends.try to avoid him.
i have a strong feelings for someone just around the corner but ive been avoiding him even though am seperated frm a partner who was abusive.if ur dp is a good man then dont risk it,just avoid him.all the best

Original poster
Butternutsquash22 · 27/03/2011 18:51

I think what a lot of you are saying is what scares me the most. the thought of not being in this relationship gives me a pain in my gut, I love him so much, but I know Im young and it might not last. And i know that if we broke up it would hurt him so much.

Im not ready to let go but part of me is terrified in case I need to let go. I dont think I could do it

OP posts:
orangeeyebrows · 27/03/2011 18:54

you are fooling yourself if you dont think it will go further

ask yourself, is it worth losing your fiance for, because that will be the outcome

if it is, then carry on flirting

if it isnt, have a word with yourself

lazarusb · 27/03/2011 18:59

You are on the verge of an EA at the very least. It sounds like you aren't ready for marriage yet. Maybe you need to step away from both of these men for a while and work out what you really want and how you really feel.
It is so easy to flirt with someone you see as 'safe' but it will end up hurting yourself as well as your dp and this friend if you carry on as you are at the moment.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/03/2011 21:20

Good god

Let your DP go

you are not ready to get married, you are a nightmare waiting to happen

fair play, you want to get excitement outside of your relationship, so don't marry Mr Nice Guy and stay footloose and flirt to your hearts content

shitting on your own doorstep is seriously uncool

stay single until you grow the fuck up, is my considered advice

ENormaSnob · 27/03/2011 21:33

Grow up.

colditz · 27/03/2011 21:34

Nip it. Now.

how would you feel if your husband was doing this?

ThatsTheWayWeRoll · 27/03/2011 21:42

Everyone gets crushes now and then in life. But what you don't do is give into temptation, don't put yourself in harms way.

Don't sit beside the man, don't be alone with him. Don't make a point of going out just because he is there.

It takes willpower and effort. Don't justify it to yourself. If you won't stop yourself then you need to break up with your fiance. It is not right to string him along if you are not properly with him.

You think it'd be more convenient if you met your fiance in 5 years, that is not how you should feel if you are about to marry him. It's emotional fraud.

Xales · 27/03/2011 21:46

What did you think when you were sitting there holding this man's hand under the cover?

What sort of man is this could do this to his friend?

PeterAndreForPM · 27/03/2011 21:58

next step, his hand is in your knickers under the blanket

get a fucking grip