Should I sever relationship with parents?

[SoSaysSarah]

I'm adopted. My adoptive (and very loved) Mother died when I was 7yrs old. My father raised me alone for a few years before marrying again when I was 9yrs old. Stepmother and I have always had a difficult relationship. She has never had any degree of empathy to the extent that I believe she has some sort of brain damage or personality disorder in addition to paranoia.

Over the years she bullied me remorselessly. It was mostly emotional but some physical incidents. I won't bore you with too many details about this but it included name calling i.e Slut, bitch etc, locking me out of the house, threatening to get Social Services to take me away-making fun of me because I was adopted...I could go on all night. The worst was perhaps her delusions when she believed that I was involved in feeding information to various neighbours/goverment agencies etc (all nosensicle paranoia) when she had these episodes she'd veer between ignoring me or screaming abuse in my face. Her presence was/is very oppressive and tbh I preferred the screaming as at least then I could work out what her problem was on any given day.

While all this was going on my father encouraged me to say 'sorry' to her when she found fault with me/try to see things from her point of view. I used to end up apolgising constantly for things I didn't understand. Once I spent a week apologising for 'hinting' to her about her poor housework because I folded some sheets in the airing cupboard (trying as usual to ingratiate myself). And for 'talking to the neighbours about her' (again delusions). I got very used to apologising and tip-toeing around. However she'd then get irritated with me staying out of sight as it would be a 'sign of my slyness'.

At various points in my childhood I was shipped out to live with other people and these were happy times but then I was ordered back (It never occured to me that I could have some say in these matters).

In my late teens I left home and moved in with a much older man. Not pleasant but anything was better than home. I then left that relationship and went to university (paid for myself) and then I never went back.

I ticked along for many years-visiting them fairly regularly and I painfully kept up the veneer that everything was ok between us. I knew that without sucking up to her I could not have a relationship with my father or 1/2 brother.

I now live in another country and have children. Although I still hate her and will never forgive her I am now becoming increasingly resentful towards my father. Bizarrely I always held him up on a pedistal as he was the only family close to me. I can now see that he failed to protect me. Worse he put me right in the line of fire and I can see any evidence that he recognises this.

Last month we had another falling out after DH, DC's and I went to stay there. My DH has mild AS and because of his lack of social skills he offended them (easily done). They refused to take the AS into consideration and Dad called us up when we got home and demanded that DH apologise-which he did. The fact that she started bullying dh albeit though my dad really infuriated me.

I now have had no phone/email contact with them for 3 weeks. I feel numbed by it all and am seriously considering cutting all contact.

Sorry it's long. I just wanted to get some of it out

The short answer is in your shoes I would cut contact.

But it's my gut reaction at the moment because I am in a similar situation, having similar thoughts.

I think you need to think about hw you would like the relationship to be and if there's any realistic chance of that (sounds unlikely..). Also what the cost would be to you of your DC not having any relationship with them?

i think we all fantasise about putting our own point of view to parents like these, telling them what our childhood was like and how they failed to protect us etc. But the reality is they would say we were "over-reacting" had an "over-active imagination" etc and would pile on the guilt for upsetting them. It would continue to be our "fault". You cannot win or make them see your side of it. It's just not possible.

Only you can decide if you are prepared to accept that.

In the mean time please consider counselling to help you come to terms with the atrocious way you were treated. Cyberhugs xx

oh God, Sarah

Sad and angry that you had such a terrible time.

She sounds like something out of a fairytale - cinderella, babes in the wood, goodnight mr tom? - and clearly has a psychiatric disorder. She is a very sick woman, and you were subjected to her as a defenseless child.

Have you had any therapy around the issues in your childhood? It is galling to have to revisit it all - bad enough when it happened without having to go over it all again - but imo it is essential to have a loving, caring, professional space to tell your story, to be able to debrief. It is a very hard thing for me to say but as long as you hate her she has a huge hold over you - therapy will help you to let go of that hatred. It is totally understandable, acceptable, right that you hate what she did - now you are being revisited with the same stuff via your dh and it is just too much.

It is also perfectly understandable that you are beginning to feel anger and outrage towards your dad that he didn't protect you. This is a normal reaction when you begin to thaw from childhood abuse and the intense anger begins to surface - again, imo it is appropriate for this to be held in a professional space as the anger can be, usually is, vast.

I'm sorry I don't have much that is constructive to say, just didn't want to read and run. You are not alone - have you seen the stately homes thread on here? You have escaped the hell-hole that was your childhood, got to university, have what sounds like a functioning and healthy marriage - wow, well done you for achieving that with the start you had in life. Hats off to you Sarah.

I'd go with yes, cut contact.

Although - I presume your half-brother is old enough to make his own choices? Is it likely he'd follow their lead rather than run the risk of their wrath if he kept in touch with you?

Given you live so far apart, it should be possible to control exactly how much contact you have with them, so it doesn't have to be all or nothing, I suppose?

The chances are they won't be good grandparents if they were bad parents, so I wouldn't let that weigh heavily with you. Plus if they're very destructive to your sense of well-being, the disadvantages to the dc far outweigh any benefits even if they are capable of being good gp.

i think we all fantasise about putting our own point of view to parents like these, telling them what our childhood was like and how they failed to protect us etc. But the reality is they would say we were "over-reacting" had an "over-active imagination" etc and would pile on the guilt for upsetting them. It would continue to be our "fault". You cannot win or make them see your side of it. It's just not possible.

You've hit the nail on the head there. She either can't remember half of it or she's being deliberately dishonest about it.

When I was 12 she dragged me backwards down the stairs by my hair. I was bruised all over my back, then she stood me in the kitchen and screamed in my face for about 10mins. All the time I was trying to get around her to get out of the kitchen and run into the street and she kept pushing me back so I couldn't get away. She's a huge woman. In the end she pushed my head against the wall and I lashed out. I caught her in the eyesocket and she ended up with a black eye.

I disovered that she remembers this incident but told my half brother that I attacked her without provocation. All this was before he was born. She's told him various untruths which leads him to have a different picture on things. I feel very upset and angry about this.

I refuse to put him straight as I don't think it's right as he's only a young man. I've just hinted that my version is different.

My half brother was also colluding with his mother during this latest incident. Again i've told him that dh has social problems but I know this hasnt stopped him bitching about dh and fuelling the fire

Normally I put it in perspective as it's not his fault, but I recently took him off my facebook list as I feel I can't trust him and i'm mentally circling the wagons around my children and husband.

I'm glad you understand eggs and I am sorry that you have similar issues with your family

SoSaysSarah,

I would cut contact completely with your Dad and personality disordered stepmother. Both are toxic and inherently damaged individuals whom together and separately bring nothing positive into your life.

People from dysfunctional family units end up playing roles. Your Dad sounds like the bystander within this dysfunctional family unit - bystanders act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He also failed you utterly as a child and now as an adult.

I would also suggest you read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages too. You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward (excerpts are available online).

Thank you Daffs x

Zikes:-Re: my half brother. He has grown up in that strange depressing house since he was a babe. He witnesses some of her spiteful behaviour but 90% of her paranoia has gone now since she was put on medication. Underneath it she's still an unpleasant individual.

I don't know which way he's go. Their behaviour is normalised to him. When he was a toddler he was give a statement of special needs. They (as in my parents) claimed it was a birth defect but now in hindsight I realise that it was because he has so little interaction or stimulation. He's 100% normal intellectually now.

They are both utterly hopeless with children. They don't know how to interact with the grandchildren -although there has been no outbreak of abusive behaviour towards the grandchildren yet. I know I could never leave them to babysit for a day.

Thanks for responding

People from dysfunctional family units end up playing roles. Your Dad sounds like the bystander within this dysfunctional family unit - bystanders act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He also failed you utterly as a child and now as an adult.

You're right. I was in the appeaser role (if such a thing exists) for many years even after leaving home. I think I still am. I am also very watchful. On the positive I have excellent skills at reading people and situations

They don't bring a lot to the table then, do they?

Best off out of it, it seems to me.

So sorry to hear your sad history, SSS - I would agree that cutting contact would be the best way forward before she starts on your DC as well as your DH.

You are right - your father should have protected you, he should never have brought this damaged woman into your life and never have allowed her to stay after what she was doing to you. So he is not worth pity or missing, tbh - his weakness and failure to protect you makes him complicit in her bullying, which is almost as bad as doing it himself.

Sya goodbye mentally to them, then write them off.

Don't let them continue abusing you. Because they will try to assert that familiar role. Your stepmum will try pulling the same old shit on you, your dh and your dc, you will be forced to grovel and apologise if you object at all to her behaviour, and your dad will be telling you how unreasonable / rude you are.
Please don't put yourself through it - you all deserve much better out of life and family life in particular.

Personally I think that people like that make their own beds by treating people like shit, and fully deserve the consequences of being up shit creek when they are older and need companionship / more help getting around. As that is when they find that they have alienated or driven away everyone.

sosays with everything you've said on here I imagine your life would be richer without any of them in it.

I have a stepfather who played very much the role your father plays -this is the hard part as I still have some attachment to him. He never physically or emotionally abused me unlike my "real" parents, but he enabled the behaviour through fear and weakness. So in letting go I feel sadness for him and some guilt as he is basically a decent person, but I feel he is part of the overall picture of the people who damaged me so I may have to let him go, too.

i suspect reading between the lines it's something similar that makes you question whether you can turn your back on them? But you do need to focus on reclaiming your life and putting the past behind you at some stage. Counselling will help enormously.

You've had the most terrible childhood at the hands of an evil, callous stepmother. You need to allow yourself the time to mourn the childhood you didn't have and to heal your inner wounds. I suspect all of that is harder whilst they are still on the scene.

If you haven't done so already, reading about dysfunctional families / toxic parents etc may help. I'd also look into gaslighting en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting as it seems your childhood was full of that.

I'd also be tempted to cut contact. I'm not sure what you or your family are getting from continuing contact. Apart from hopefully some life lessons for your children about some adults being bonkers and how mum and dad deal with that?

Good luck.

sss can i say i know some how you feel and being shipped off to others(foster care for me too)and know i have alot of anger towards my dad but he died 15 yrs ago so cant do much about it,i had a vile step mother who hated me,((((((hugs)))))

I am so sorry you had such a shite upbringing and yes, I would cut contact with her. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with your father and brother if you want one. If they say it is all of them or no one then you know where you are.

HI Ddubsgirl. It was never formal fostering, I was just left with family friends. I distinctly remember going to stay for a long time with a friend from school. I was amazed as her mother made her breakfast every morning and sliced bananas on top of her cereal and put some vitamins on a side plate next to a glass of orange juice. I felt like I had dropped into Mummy heaven.

How are you coping now Ddubs?

(((hugsback)))

444:- My father has previously made it clear that the only relationship I can have is with all of them. He's constantly banged on about 'the importance of family'. It all sounds great on the surface but again the underlying message I now hear is shut up and play along at all costs. I feel like I spent most of my life sacrificing myself on this ideal of 'family' which he has defined

Dad has no silblings and only his mother my Nana remains. Nana has also put up with horrendous bullying behaviour from my stepmother and I feel sick at what she's gone through. I also feel queasy when I think about how my 1/2 brother learnt to treat and think of Nana badly because of my stepmothers example.
Nana has dementia now and lives in a home. I feel immensely relived about this as she so high on painkillers and other drugs she's reverted to thinking she's a teenager. I'm not sure if she even remembers what my stepmother did to her. I hope she doesn't.

I haven't visited Nana for about 6 months now. I feel shame as I abandoned her when she was living in my parents house. I can't visit her in the old peoples home without feeling like i'm about to explode hysterically. I can't even talk. It's the only situation which I now feel unable to control my emotions. I really hope she's so far gone she's forgotton about me.

My advice would be to forget about your father and go and visit your Nana. I am sure she would appreciate and enjoy it.

Cut off all contact with both - and find a gifted therapist!

You know it's hard to think straight. My father paid for my wedding reception when I got married-so he must love me right? But then that's another thing for them to hold over me. He looked after me for 2 years alone after my mother died which must have been very hard. God help him, he's no looker so I feel sympathy in the respect that maybe he thought that unless he held onto my stepmother then he wouldnt get another chance.

But then I went off the rails at 18. I did no end of unsavory things that I can't even write here, and he didn't seem at all interested in noticing. He has no interest in talking about the past, in fact he goes out of his way to gloss it over. It may be history to him but it's all still very painful for me. To be honest I don't actually know how I could talk about some of the stuff, it's not just my stepmother but his own directly inappropriate behaviour. Some of the things I couldn't write as an anon here let alone tell anyone IRL-not even my husband. I feel maybe if I ever did talk there would be no return and there would be emotional carnage for everyone. Fullstop. No return. Again I keep quiet for the sake of other people.

I used to feel very alone in the world. Now I have a husband who is the most wonderful man I have ever met and two adorable children. I don't need anyone else. Part of me thinks nothing good can last forever and maybe one day my husband will come to his senses and realise that I am filth and ugly and everything else and leave me. I can't talk about this to him as he gets upset. I'm very frightened.

On one hand, If I lose my husband I will be totally rootless, one the other hand if I jettison my parents I will lose this stressful sick feeling I have whenever I think of them.

I'm drunk and a bit tearful at the moment

I wish wish wish I had some close female friends like I did at university and school. I have nobody to talk to. I feel very scared and unstable

You can talk to us.

I refuse to have any contact with my mother and it definitely for the best. She tries the crap that she only did everything for me.

Oh 444, I don't know what to say. I wish I had someone like you here now. I'd pour you a glass of wine and give you a hug

You don't have to say anything but if you want to post, I will read and try and help.

hello sss
i thought i was reading about my mum and dad there for a while, i've been through a very,very similar life.

i have cut all contact with my parents, it saved my life. you have been given some very good advice, and yes, do find a good counsellor, i was so grateful, had 2 years with mine.

sss, uou will come through the other side,honey, you still have a lot of pain to deal with, but life can be good and you will see things very,very clearly indeed after a while.

hang in there, there's a lot of us willing and wanting to help out where we can. toxic parents is also an excellent book, it is very helpful. good luck, get some rest, i'm just making a cup o tea, you want one? keep that hubby and kids right by your side!!!! I'll be thinking of you...............xxxx