Text on DH's phone from an unsaved number.

[Iphonesarecrap]

Today DH left his phone out. A text came through, you can see it as it's an iphone.

Did you watch the match today xxx. Now I know I shouldn't have looked but I did, the unsaved number made my guts lurch, why.

I then find an exchange of very familiar texts all :D and xx about their favourite matches, players.

Now I know this could be a friend etc, etc. I know this person is female, why not have her number in his phone?

What would you think honestly?

Good news. Hopefully this is all innocent.

Hope it is innocent. Not sure I like you not knowing work colleagues though? Luckily dp works with men. There used to be a really flirtatious women worked there but she's gone, after causing a lot of trouble!

See she is just not in his phone full stop. It was an unsaved number. It has opened a whole new can of worms though.

In that we don't spend enough time talking, having joint interests outside the kids. He dosen't get involved in my life as much as he should and he dosen't involve me in work as much as he should.

We have had an awful lot on this past year tbh, an awful lot. He is making sure I go to his next major works event, due one soon, he'll sort a babysitter apparantely.

So, we'll see. It's highlighted a very obvious communication flaw between us I feel, but has also highlighted risk if that makes sense.

That things aren't always what they seem, there are sometimes lines that just become blurry.

I'm quite angry with him still though. As at first he made out like I was some loony, insecure wife who wouldn't let him have friends Like some women did on here. That is not me at all. He let me think it was and question myself, when all along this woman has been the subject of another marriage tiff with her OTT texting and another man was told in no uncertain terms it was inappropriate and it caused hassle. So he should have just stayed well clear. But didn't and was encouraging her responses.

Furious still

WWIFN any advice, would be appreciated, or from anyone in that matter. I'm just so cross with him, encouraging it in all honesty. When he knows the kind of texts she was sending had potential to make a wife cross as he'd seen it with a colleague!

It has probably been a bit of an ego boost for him but you are right to talk it through and let him know how you feel. I'm glad he's responded positively and obviously doesn't want to upset you, it's definitely a bit naughty though.

I had a friendship request on FB from an old flame, his first message was pleasant enough and I responded in kind. His next message was telling me how beautiful he still thought I was and how much he had been in love with me, this guy had in his first message been telling me about his 2 kids and how there was another on the way! I backed off immediately and told my DH about it. My ex may have thought it was just a harmless flirtatious message but I'm fairly sure any pregnant wife reading that would have felt betrayed and devastated.

I guess my point is that they have both behaved badly but he is the one who is married and therefore should have been a bit more sensible, I'd be pretty pissed off too to be honest. Hopefully this has been a warning shot that you both may need to channel a bit more energy into your relationship, sometimes we all need a kick in the pants to remind us what we have!
Hope it all works out for you.

Glad it's been nipped in the bud, so often people get flattered and before you know it, they start lying to their other halves and an affair begins.

I'd treat it as an opportunity to 'fine tune' your marrige :) you've identified a flaw that can only stregthen your relationship if you both work on it. You never know, once you've gotten over being mad at him, you might look back and see it as a turning point to a better relationship :)

Sounds like he's sorry and he's making all the right noises around trying to put your mind at ease etc, I'd suggest you move on and work on enjoying your relationship - but with your eye's wide open ;) chances are he won't get away with it again as you'll be aware of the signs and looking out for them for a long time!

I completely understand that this has highlighted risk. I also completely get that you are not an unreasonable, insecure jealous woman. It frustrates me intensely when I see posts wailing about why can't women and men be friends or tacitly putting the blame on the partner who's discovered a secret. Your responses are in fact entirely healthy.

This isn't about lovely, safe friendships of the kind I've described with my fellow football-loving male friends.

This is about friendships that have the capacity to threaten because the boundaries have become blurred. As soon as any element of secrecy has entered the friendship, a boundary has been breached. So neglecting to tell you OP that this woman even existed and that he was in text contact with her means secrecy. Deleting texts adds to that. Secondly, if there is physical chemistry present between the secret friends, this is another boundary crossed. Thirdly, if intimacies that would normally be reserved for a partner are being shared, this is the ultimate barrier crossed.

It sounds as though what you read felt too intimate and personal for work friends and I'm sure you're right. What you haven't seen though is what your H was sending back, or learned why he encouraged this friendship, when he couldn't pretend this woman just wants to be friends with everyone. I'm sure we could all have a good guess....and it's precisely why he kept this woman secret. He cannot run the defence that he couldn't tell you because you are a jealous harridan. I'm assuming you would laugh out loud and call him on this ridiculous form of counter-attack...

So he cannot run the "innocent man" defence or the unreasonable wife ruse. So what he's left with is what is invariably the truth. And it doesn't mean he's a bad man or that you've got a crap marriage either.

I expect this flirting felt reasonably safe and that it has been making the days go quicker. Her texts probably make him smile and this combined with what I imagine will be a lot of flattery and mirroring in real life, is no doubt giving him an ego boost and a spring in his step. He might enjoy going into work a bit more right now. However, this is how the addiction to the new friend starts. The next boundary could be admitting how attractive they find eachother, finding opportunities to work together/have lunch or coffee alone and so it goes on. At this point people in denial will bargain; "Well, I couldn't very well say I found her unattractive could I? So I said that yes, she was gorgeous." or "What's the harm in lunch or coffee? It's what friends do isn't it?"

The absolute must in these situations is that he comes out of any denial and admits to how he has been feeling. If he minimises this or claims innocence, this can happen again and again. You in turn need to promise understanding because this could happen to any of us.

It's much easier to cross boundaries if life is tough and people are in need of an escape, not necessarily from their marriage but the stress of modern life. It is especially easy though if there is reduced intimacy and honesty in your marriage. And this is why this could happen to anyone because we will all have stressful times and most marriages go through a dip at some point too. And unless someone is deeply unattractive inside and out, we are all likely to meet someone who is attracted to us and isn't bothered about a wedding band, partner or children. Most people will get an opportunity to be unfaithful at some point, but wise souls know the risks and swerve situations before they get out of hand. They know their boundaries and their own (very human) weaknesses.