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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Text on DH's phone from an unsaved number.

56 replies

Iphonesarecrap · 27/03/2011 14:40

Today DH left his phone out. A text came through, you can see it as it's an iphone.

Did you watch the match today xxx. Now I know I shouldn't have looked but I did, the unsaved number made my guts lurch, why.

I then find an exchange of very familiar texts all :D and xx about their favourite matches, players.

Now I know this could be a friend etc, etc. I know this person is female, why not have her number in his phone?

What would you think honestly?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/03/2011 16:59

And as for context, there could be nothing whatsoever wrong with your relationship for a boundary to be crossed, because there is a culturally sanctioned blindness to how dangerous a new, desperate-to-impress friend can be. People pretend all the time that they are "just friends" and there's nothing wrong with it, until it becomes too late and they can pretend it "just happened". If it wasn't dangerous, there would be no secrets and lies and you would know of her existence. I'm in text contact a lot with male friends about our shared love of football, but it's openly conducted and I've never had to keep it secret, delete texts or lie about it.

Original poster
Iphonesarecrap · 27/03/2011 17:03

No I can't stand the sport. It's not football, I changed it to give some anonymity. It's another sport. Yes no doubt he has been telling her how wifey hates the sport Angry

It's all very close, that's the word WWIFN mirroring. We don't have anything like that in common we can talk about, as he is just not interested in talking to me like that. I'm the trophy wife at home who expects too much when she wants to share things and interests with her DH.

I'm going out for a walk.

Even if he is not having an affair, I have the nasty feeling this is the start of something, he seems more into her interests than mine. He couldn't even tell you what day my Birthday is, let alone my favourite sport.

I need to get out I feel physically sick. He just can't see that he may have crossed the line here. I know something is just not right.

He thinks it is implausible for him to have an affair, men like him don't. He has the perfect lifestyle there for it. Lots of potential for an affair, ifyswim. That's why I think there is more to it.

He's so determined men like him don't cheat, that he can't see the actual possibility until it's too late, does that make sense? He dosen't like me mixing with people from his work. I can now see why. That's his domain not mine, obviously I'd be in the way.

I'll be back later.

OP posts:
gabyrale · 27/03/2011 17:36

Good luck!

FourFortyFour · 27/03/2011 17:39

Do you have children together?

orangeeyebrows · 27/03/2011 17:42

poor sod has been found guilty without so much as a trial :(

i would imagine they have deeper issues than some person at work texting him

Mouseface · 27/03/2011 17:45

I'm sorry but I think you have to trust your instincts here iphone.

You know him more than we do but from what you've posted, they are even more than friends or are planning to become much more.

I hope your walk helps. I should imagine you are feeling pretty sick and upset by all of this.

CheekyLittleSox · 27/03/2011 18:21

i would confront him again. or ring the number, or text her yourself, although thats what i would do but im a nosey cow and would get down to it before confronting him so i could tell him when he lies to me

Figgyrolls · 27/03/2011 18:23

Not to be funny and haven't read everything but yesterday I tried desperately hard to try and find a good mates number on dh's iphone, it had put it under a random selection so when he called us later on it came up as just the number as it was under 2 names - is that a possibility?

Figgyrolls · 27/03/2011 18:24

Sorry didn't read about the content of the texts etc.

dementedma · 27/03/2011 18:36

can a married person not be friends with someone of the opposite sex, without the possessive spouse trawling their phone and making accustions?
i speak as an "accusee" and its horrible to be constantly watched and monitored and "owned" by someone with contol issues!

Flower1000 · 27/03/2011 18:36

I really hope it's not the start of something fishy. At the moment you can't really do anything until you have proof, and if it is something untoward he'll be doubly careful now he's been, almost, rumbled.

As others on here have said, the bills will hold the key - I take it you've made a note of the number?

I caught my dh out because I stumbled across a text message completely by accident. Same as you, it was obviously from a woman, very familiar with xxx at the end. Took me a week to fund hard proof but unfortunately I did. Hopefully it won't be for you, and all you will need to have is a Frank conversation about not withholding information.

Good luck

BarbaraBar · 27/03/2011 18:41

"He dosen't like me mixing with people from his work. I can now see why. That's his domain not mine, obviously I'd be in the way"

Classic behaviour ime and imho. So many men/people can do this - keep their lives compartmentalised so they never clash allowing them to have affairs.

I'm so sorry iphone but it does sound bad.

Sad
BarbaraBar · 27/03/2011 18:45

Ooh, I'm interested in what dementedma says as she does so often speak sense.

Dementedma - Do you finish your texts with "xxx" to a married friend/colleague? I wouldn't and in fact whilst I kiss my male friends (on the cheeks) when I see them I don't normally sign off with a "x" on a text although I do to all my girlfriends. But that just might be one of my foibles. Smile

ilovesooty · 27/03/2011 19:21

can a married person not be friends with someone of the opposite sex, without the possessive spouse trawling their phone and making accustions?

My thoughts too. I have had people in my phone who didn't appear to be saved because I had two different numbers for them, including my own sister at one point.

I wonder how it is that people are so prepared to assume he's up to no good - I think the OP needs to ask him outright. Sounds as though she has trust issues though.

Incidentally I have sent texts about football to men and signed off with xx. It doesn't mean I was having an affair with all of them (or any of them for that matter).

And surely if he were up to no good he wouldn't leave his phone lying around?

Mouseface · 27/03/2011 19:40

Of course people can be friends with men/women when they are married and there be nothing going on.

Only iphone knows the content of the texts, and from what she's posted, I'm guessing that it doesn't read like friends, never mind the fact that her DH has not uttered a word about said 'friend' up until now.

I sign my texts to male friends with xx too, as does my DH but iphone has a feeling that something is wrong.

As I said, she knows her DH better than us. Maybe it's nothing, hopefully it's all innocent. Smile

Original poster
Iphonesarecrap · 27/03/2011 19:55

Yes married people can have friends of the opposite sex, even signing xxx

But what I was asking, was not that.

He has all his contacts saved in his phone. So when the text popped up on the phone which was on the chair next to me, which I could fully read due to it being an iphone, yes I was intrigued to see it had no number yet lots of xxxxxx.

He does not usually leave his phone lying around.

I don't think it's any coincidence that this sport is his one passion, she seems so enthusiastic too Hmm. The texts were so familiar, like they knew each other so well, their "favourites", this that and the other.

Ok some may say they are great friends and nothing more. So why as his wife, have I never heard her name mentioned at home, never knew of this female colleague he is having these text chats with?

Don't you tend to discuss friends/colleagues even in passing at home?

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 27/03/2011 20:08

I think she wants more than friendship and perhaps he is being naive about the innocence of her texts.

Mouseface · 27/03/2011 20:41

Trust your instincts iphone.

Whether he is aware of her wishes/inntentions or whether he's driving this forward, 'leading her on'? I don't know. He's your DH.

You have to open this up more with him. When you feel that you can.

Is there any way that you can look at his bills.

If you are so sure that something's not right, you have to act on it. Otherwise this is going to go round and round in your head all day and all night.

Kill or cure it. x

Original poster
Iphonesarecrap · 27/03/2011 20:52

Ok, I'm not going mad then. I'm not the usual jealous, he must have no friends type.

Just something got to me, just I don't know. He has been really apologetic and seems upset about hurting me.

Apparantely this woman has been named as a trouble maker in someone elses marriage in the work place. This mans wife was none to happy with the frequency and over familiarty of the texts being sent to her husband, which spread around the workplace, so I'm told.

We'll see, I'm furious tbh as without outing myself I can't tell you the familiarity ifyswim.

They were just innappropriate IMO and it seems someone else has also thought so too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iphonesarecrap · 27/03/2011 20:54

He's offered me full access to his bills and will knock contact on the head. He can do this he is in another area now.

He said I wasn't the first person to say she was inappropriate, so obviously there is something in it, and he's going to steer clear.

He can see why I'm so angry.

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 27/03/2011 21:33

Glad to see you've talked about it. I hope you don't find any reason to be worried in the future - I'd make a note of the number though just in case.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/03/2011 21:36

Hmm me thinks he doth protest too little.... Hmm but then again, I wouldn't be with someone who treat me like a trophy wife, didn't share his interests with me and wanted to keep me separate from his work life.... I know you were probably half joking about him not knowing your birthday - but it really does show me how little you think he thinks of you....

IAmTheCookieMonster · 27/03/2011 21:40

I don't have DH or my mum saved because I know their numbers. Its probably just a good friend, you saw the texts and they were just talking about football.

dementedma · 27/03/2011 21:41

barbarabar - why thank you! not many people think I speak sense Grin
i actually never put xxxs on texts to anyone, not even to DH or my DCs so i can't really help with that one

ShowOfHands · 27/03/2011 21:46

Randomly, even though I have people's numbers saved on my phone, sometimes the texts come through without the name just the number. So I have saved texts listed as from...

Mum
094848whatever
094848whatever
Mum

And the 094848 no is my Mum but for some reason my phone won't process that.

Slightly ot and maybe irrelevant now as things have moved on, but worth noting that some phones are confused little sods and behave oddly even when you've told them not to.