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Original poster

help with inlaw issues?

45 replies

evilgdil · 27/03/2011 13:23

name change, just checking.

OP posts:
Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 13:34

it worked.
ok.
my family is, me, hub, 3 kids.
he is an only child, both parents are dead.
only other member of family he has is a grandmother.
she is fixated on the past, hated his mum. blames her for anything that has ever gone wrong in her life.
my mil and fil both commited suicide, she done it cause she was evil and wanted to cause pain, he done it cause he was ill. according to the grandmother. she is HUGE issues with women, is a real mans woman, men are right, women shuld know their place type things. doesnt like me cause i am a strong woman, who takes no shit and tells her to butt out when its needed. for instane i told her i didnt want her optnions on mil as the only person whose oppinion counts is my husbands.
anyway.
1 time about 6 yrs ago, she threw a fit, and kicked us out her house, wouldnt talk to us for about 6 months. because i told her we wouldnt be able to stay as long as we first thought due to one if the kids being poorly. she went mental at husband, then turned on me, my family my life. so we left. and in time she got back intouch. the insident was never spoken of again.
in sept she had a fall, she came to stay, i looked after her. it transpired that while in the hosp she lied to the drs, and therefore made things worse. she decided she was not able to do her food shopping anymore, so i started doing it for her, online.
then a week b4 xmas, she tried to send some loyalty points from her account to mine, so i could use them off her shopping. it didnt work. i tried to help her sort it, called the company, while she was with me, showed her what had came accross to my account ect, but apparently it was my fault it had gone wrong. she somehow got it into her head that her points made pounds and the mix up meant i had STOLEN £5000 off her. in reality they points were worth £20. she went mad. started slamming doors, calling me names, saying i was a theif and ordered oh to take her away from this scheming evil theif. oh stuck up for me. said she was wrong, that i could proove what i was saying, and that it was not me who had tried to change her point over, nor had i messed it up.
so she left.
and has not spoken to us since.
we got a letter yesterday, she has given her friend power of attourney, so oh doesnt have the bother, and so i cant steal off her. and then goes on to give oh details of the suicide of his mum. details he didnt need, nor can he ever confirm. and in a week she knows is the anni of his mums death.
oh is heartbroken.
what the hell do we do?
do we cut her out of our lives? the kids miss her. do we ignore it? do we try to sort it ou?
any ideas?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 27/03/2011 13:47

I'm brutal, I would tell the old boot to fuck off and die. The kids will forget, the sooner the better.

Your poor dh.Sad

victoriascrumptious · 27/03/2011 13:52

Erm I think you need to cut her loose. I think you've been patient above and beyond the call of duty. I can't believe you are even thinking otherwise Sad

zikes · 27/03/2011 13:53

Oh dear. Sad

Is there any chance she's got dementia or something, or has she always been this awful?

I'd probably cut her out, I doubt there's much changing her mind and the stuff about your mil's suicide is pretty unforgiveable.

But it's down what your OH wants to do, I think. If he wants to keep trying with her, then I'd do my best to support him, I guess.

Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 13:56

as she is his only other rel, he feels like he should have a relationship with her, but she is toxic. and she has been like this as long as i have kown her.

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 27/03/2011 13:58

Awful!

Your poor DH. What a shitty thing to do to him.

I think you have been very patient and kind to put up with so much and nobody would blame you for cutting her out.

What does your DH think?

Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 13:59

right now, i think he is bordering on hating her.
what i have written barely scrapes the surface of the type of person she is.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2011 14:00

Cut the toxic grandmother off completely, you do not need her in your lives as she brings nothing at all positive into it. My guess is too she has always been malign and toxic.

Send back any correspondence from her unopened or destroy it if it reaches your home.

You cannot even begin to sort such a person out so would not even bother. You did not make her this way, her own parents likely did that for her.

Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 14:10

oh wil now have to just accept that her friends will get to say what happens to her if she is ill, frail etc. and thats going to be so hard on him. they dont live near her and us, so if she needs to be put into a home it will be near them. which means the kids wont see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 14:14

i know that seems like a really stupud thing to focus on, but he had no control regarding his parents deaths, and no input in their funerals either.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2011 14:15

You both honestly have nothing to feel guilty about with regards to this awful toxic woman. You did not make her this way, her own parents did that.

toddlerama · 27/03/2011 14:19

DH had to cut out his father and stepmother in order to be able to forgive in any form. I think when you are in contact and hating each other, it only hurts everybody.

JaxTellersOldLady · 27/03/2011 14:24

your OH needs to stop feeling guilty for events that were and are out of his control. Sad

Get rid of this toxic old woman, she sounds like an absolute loon! And dont let her have anything to do with your children.

BrandyAlexander · 27/03/2011 14:24

I would cut her off. I wouldn't want my kids anyway near such a toxic person. They may miss her, but surely you know what's best for them, and it's not this woman.

Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 15:33

you are right, she is not a nice person, BUT she is the only connection oh has to his dad.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/03/2011 15:36

She sounds a very very bitter and confused, and sad lady. If her son took his own life, then that will have only added to her hatred of the world I suspect. Having said that, it isnt at all fair on any of you to be treated like this by her either.

I would just let your husband deal with her and keep your own contact with her to a bare minimum, or not at all if possible.

thumbwitch · 27/03/2011 15:38

Argh, she sounds like a right old witch, sorry!
Why would you want your DC to know her, you have no idea what she's saying to them when you're out of the room, she could be whispering all sorts of bad stuff about you!

TBH, if I was your OH, I think I'd rather remember my Dad without her input, especially if it's anywhere near as hurtful as the stuff about his mum.

Your poor OH! I think he has to take the lead on this decision though, as she is his grand"mother".

brookeslay · 27/03/2011 15:39

She is warped and her attitude is damaging you and OH better to have his own memories then her twisted version. His loving family is you and your children.

Burn the letter or send it back recorded delivery with a note not to contact you ever again unless its with a sincere apology.

mamatomany · 27/03/2011 15:40

It sounds like dementia whether she realises she has it or not, but this isn't going to get better i'd keep an eye on her from a distance and keep the children away from her unless they are of an age to understand she isn't well and is talking rubbish.

BrandyAlexander · 27/03/2011 15:53

I would second what brookeslay said, it is better that he has his own memories of his dad, than this twisted woman desecrate the memory of both his parents. However, it is entirely up to him what kind of relationship he chooses to have with her, and so to a certain extent you need to step back. However, where you need to act is to ensure that this very bitter woman does not seep her poison about you into the minds of your children. That's where my priority would be.

BCBG · 27/03/2011 16:03

evilgdil, I am certain she is just trying to upset your DH. I know from expeience that giving someone power of attorney is actually quite complicated in that the papers have ti be correctly drawn up and witnessed, so that they can be served on banks etc in the event if need. My guess the old bitch has done nothing of the sort. iF she has, then console yourselves with the thought that her problems won't be yours to deal with, but as I say, I bet she has done nothing of the sort. Your DH should ignore her, as it will never bring his larents back, and if anything just ensures that he remembers the pain of loss rather than the good times.

Original poster
evilgdil · 27/03/2011 20:00

i dont think for one second that she is lying about POA. she runs to her solicitor every time anyone upsets her. in the past 5 yrs she has cut her 2 best frineds out of her life for not agreeing with her, or for sticking up for someone she thought was in the wrong.

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 27/03/2011 22:06

She is going to end up a very lonely old lady, as she seems to be intent on cutting off her nose to spite her face. Your DH is very lucky to have you and things like this can make a relationship stronger, and your love grow a bit more. I wish you luck x

ENormaSnob · 27/03/2011 22:18

Cut the bitter, poisonous old hag off.

Original poster
evilgdil · 28/03/2011 12:37

she is lonely, the only people she now has close are 2 couples, 1 of which are the ones she gave POA to.
so the general thought is that we are best rid?

OP posts:
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