help with inlaw issues?

[evilgdil]

name change, just checking.

Yes, you are best rid

My Dh has been made POA by both his parents like it's some sort of bloody honor, it's actually a massive favor because they are asking him to take responsibility for ensuring the care homes if required are decent, that the bills are paid, the funerals are arranged in accordance with their wishes, none of which we mind but it's certainly not something that you should worry about missing out on.

but mamatomany, if he gets no say if she needs to be moved to a home or the worst comes to it, then again he will be left dealing with grief and the knowledge that again he was cut out of a family memebers life.
she cut him out of his dads, and she knows that is exactly what she is doing now. its just her way of treating him like he is worth nothing. i totally see how it is hard to have poa, but in her case she has withdrawn it to hurt him and thats the bit i hate.

I wouldn't worry about it then, good riddance to bad rubbish ! she's like a child not letting him take care of her - if he acts like he couldn't give a toss she might wish she'd had let him look after her or not, but she certainly isn't doing you a favor by making you (or specifically DH) POA, quite the opposite.

OP, I think your husband needs to resolve whatever issues he has with his past so that he can move forward in life - and away from his toxic mother.

She really is no asset to your family, infact a total drain and you are far far better off without her in your life.

Jax, its not his mother, its his grandmother. both his parents have passed away.
i just dont want him to have more hurt.

jesus, must learn to preview!

grandmother, OP, so sorry. If you dont want your OH to be hurt then it really is time to call it a day with this woman. If she stays in your life she will continue to hurt all of your family until the day she dies. Unless you and your OH find some kind of coping strategies to manage your feelings then she will keep sniping.

There are ways, there are books, and of course there is CBT which I think might benefit your husband.

good luck.

My dad's mum was just like this. Hated women so when dad and mum got married she refused to have anything to do with them. When my elder bro was born, she reconciled herself to the family, adored my bro.

At some point after this reconciliation, she threw a paddy about something and cut us all out again.

When my little bro was born she was reconciled to us again. She died when I was 10. Every time she cut us out, she rewrote her will, and in the end everything went to the woman next door to her with whom she'd had a row years before and hadn't spoken to since ([wry grin]).

The most poignant thing was when dad found a bag containing all the letters he had written 'home' since he was a small boy (dumped in boarding school at age 5, and never went home even for the holidays). He thought that she had kept all his letters, everything he'd written to her from age 5 at school, to those he'd written from Vienna before the war, to those he'd written during the war, he thought it was an indication that she had cared about him, really.

Then he found that NOT ONE of them had been opened. NOT ONE.

You are better off without her really, but it's down to your oh. Seeing the gp is a good idea, but it's quite possible that she's just a spiteful hatefilled old cow like my gran.

Jux that is unbelievably sad for your Dad. It sounds like your grandmother had little time for your Dad full stop and he was infintiely better off without her. I can't imagine how you would stop yourself reading the letters, but then I can't envisage sending my DS away from me at 5 either!

I know it is really easy for me to say but you would be better off cutting her out of your life. I have no idea how much her estate is worth but toxic people often use money to try and control their family and they love the whole dram of running off to the solicitor every 5 mins to re-do their will.

I think your DH should make an appointment with his GP to try and arrange some therapy for himself. Both his parents committed suicide and he has had this evil old hag drip feeding him poison his entire life.

She may or may not have dementia but, from personal experience, dementia tends to bring out more poison from already toxic people.

Jux that is one of the most heartbreaking things I have read in ages :(. Your poor Dad.

Thanks thumb and Lulu. He was a lovely lovely man and deserved so much better.

Back to the OP. evilgdil, can you both just laugh at her. When she snipes you could look at each other and grin, you could say "oh, you feeling a bit spiteful today? what's rocked your boat?" or whatever. If you take her seriously she just gains power over you. If you can detach yourselves just far enough to find her faintly ridiculous then you may be able to continue seeing her and thus keeping your kids (and your oh) in touch with that one remaining member of his family, without actually handing her the ability to hurt you through it.

jax, luckily we are on the same page about her. we both view her attitude and ways in the same light, so it causes no arguments between us.
someone said about older people who use money to keep relationships, thats her. she is a great re writer of wills as well as history. worryingly she has lots of ohs mums belongings, photos, orniments etc, and im worried that she will spitefully leave them to someone in her will. even thought they are not and never were hers. and i also dont know how to protect him against that.

Possibly a silly idea, but could you not "stormtroop" her house on a visit there, I mean, tell her you're coming but when you're there, go around and find the stuff that is your DH's mum's? If it doesn't belong to his gmother then there's not a lot she can do about it if he takes it, is there. DOes he know what is his mum's? More to the point, perhaps, does he know where it is?

why does the grandmother have the mothers things? Surely your DH could have collected them a while ago? IF he wants them, then he should arrange to remove them from the grandmothers.

basically, his mum died while he was in his teens, his dad and grandmother cleared the house, she packed up all things that she knew his mum really liked and that she knew a teenager would be able to be responsible for. then she started to display them around her house. ohs dad moved in with her, so she kept them.
oh was living alone, and tbh orniments and photos, and ladies jewellery were safer with her than with a teen.
she now has them as he didnt want to upset her by asking for them back. she always says to him that she wants to look after them until our children are old enough to look after them, and the jewellery until our dd is old enough to have it. she put alot on him about how it would have all been lost was it not for her etc, so he let her keep hold of it to keep her happy. she had a fit when he asked for his parents wedding photos, and tbh, it wasnt worth the argument when he only wants them to be able to show the kids.

I hope you realise that she is almost certainly completely lying about MIL's and FIL's deaths. It must be hard enough for DH to read even knowing that someone can invent horrible things about his dear parents (and about her own son ffs!), but surely less horrible than believing the things she says have more than a grain of thoroughly distorted truth. If nothing else, his parents managed to do something wonderful in bringing up a man who is not in the least bit like his awful grandmother.

If you are seriously worried that his mum's things will disappear on her death then I really do think you should brave the massive argument and get them as soon as poss. Dad got nothing from his mum, even stuff which had belonged to his dad and which had been left for him. He got a couple of bits of furniture which his aunt had in her house, but everything in gran's flat went to her friend.

I'm glad you're both together on this woman.

Jux, i would hope that she wouldnt be petty and nasty. BUT i have a feeling that is exactly what she will do.