Dont know which way to turn

[responsibility]

DH wont be responsible for anything - I'm at my wits end with 4 kids at 4 schools (trying to support with As/ GCSEs etc), a full time (ish) job and still need to sort out house, schools/universities, holidays, cars, insurance etc etc...I ask for help, but he just can't be bothered. Does nothing for kids birthdays, mine or anyones and he can't see what I'm pulling my hair out about.
I just feel so alone, I don't want to walk away but I find it unbearable having to take responsibility for everything. When he does agree to do something he then finds a reason not to - and I only discover at a later date when we've missed the opportunity..got a fine..or whatever. DH is so uninterested in anything..any help or ideas welcome. xx

My heart goes out to you!

But why don't you tell him to shape up or ship out?? It's just another child to deal with! Are you getting ANYthing out of your relationship?

As a single mum of a teenager, also trying to help out with work/university choice for my teenage son, and aging parents, I take my hat off to you!

But, please, take care of yourself, you are in danger of getting burnt out! Your children need you to be there too! And you need to be there for yourself!

Thank you for your thoughts...it's brought tears to my eyes just to hear some kind words....I can't speak to anyone in my family about it as I really don't want to split up (I came from a broken home and want to avoid it for my kids if possible)..and I'd hate them to judge DH in a different way.

But truthfully I'm not getting anything at all out of the relationship - I'm just getting more and more depressed. I've suggested counselling but DH can't see the point, he just doesn't understand what my problem is.

thank you for thinking of me. xx

I find this...to a certain extent too. My HD has a complete blindspot about birthdays etc and so I do it all, for instance.

however, I balance that against all the stuff he does, that I have nothing to do with (bins, for instance)

There is also alot of stuff we share (cooking, child care)

I see this a part of playing to us repsctive strengths (as a team) but sometimes I do forget this and have to remind myself of all the stuff he does that I take for granted.

Is this like you or do you literally do everything?

sorry, x posted...no! it doesn't sound very balanced at all! He sounds like a big child!

can you get a weekend break away for just yourself and a mate for a pampering and let him cope on his own?

You sounds like you need a spar!!

He does put out bins and occasionally cooks a meal, puts the washing machine on...but I have to do all the big important stuff as well as all the diy, sorting out phones/computers/tv/builders/kids - picking them up/dropping them off/working out what they are up to etc

to put things in perspective, we also work together, so I have to take all the responsibility at work with staff etc too - so there isn't really a let up.

hmmm well it already sounds like a 'broken home' to me....sorry,but i also dont think he will change,not from what you say in your post anyway

I like to spend the weekends with the kids/ watching them in matches etc - I'm not trying to get away from them!

you say you 'have to' do this or that.....says who??

I had a really unhappy childhood and therefore I want to do the absolute best that I can for my kids.

I was just feeling rather low and wondered if anyone had an ideas - could recommend a counsellor, or a book that was worth reading etc
xx

take them with you then, and leave him to look after himself!!

Seriously, you need to put your foot down with him. He gets away with it because he can.

Working together and living together is enough to put a strain on any couple, even before you factor in 4 kids and their needs.

Some of the things you mention though, ie TV, phones, working out what the kids are up to? are they things you really "need" to do, or are you making work for yourself with some of that?

I think sometimes you have to take a back seat, let the kids sort themselves a bit, its not going to harm them, it will help them as they grow up into adults.

Exert your authority at work, (is it your own business?), and change your hours if you can, so that they are more suited.

Dont do DIY, either get him to do it, or get someone in to do it and get your husband to pay them.

If the kids are old enough to be doing their exams, they are old enough to be helping out too, even if it is just their responsibility to cook a meal one night a week each.

With a big family, you have to work as a team, and you can be team leader.. get delegating!!! :)

Why would you hate your family to judge your DH in a way that he deserves? You say you don't want to split up because you want to avoid a broken home - there are worse things. When you are expecting support from someone and you don't get it it's awful. Being alone and having all the responsibility is hard, yes, but at least you know that there's nobody else to rely on - and others know this so are more likely to help as well.

I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear. You can't change his attitude though - especially if he won't agree to counselling :( if this is making you depressed you may well find you feel a lot less stressed and better able to cope with things if you split anyway.

What do you think is the worst thing about having divorced parents - ie why do you not want that for your DCs? Perhaps we can provide some reassurance? FWIW my parents are divorced and I've never felt bad about it - it's just the way it is and I can see they are so much happier than they would have been. Just if you wanted a different perspective :)

It is our business so his money is mine...there really is no difference...I end up doing DIY because I haven't got the time to get someone in - it's tricky to find reliable tradesmen where we live.

The kids are great when they are around - the only one who doesn't pull his weight is DH.

Sorry x-posted.

You've already said he won't agree to a counsellor, and I don't think any book could help you in this situation, though you could certainly go for counselling alone - that would definitely be helpful, I think :) - you can be referred through your GP. Just make an appointment and ask to be referred for counselling. They might offer you ADs as well but I'd wait and see how the counselling goes TBH.

BertieBotts - thanks for your advice, I just hope that we can get through this hurdle and stick it out and I'd hate my family (or anyone we knew) to treat us/him differently if we can get out the otherside.

ADs - anti depressents? I feel quite strongly about trying to sort this out without having to take anything.

I just need to find other ways to cheer myself up!

Could your DH be suffering from depression? How come you have 4 kids at 4 different schools? Did DH want such a large family (not suggesting you forced them upon him, just trying to work out what the problem might be)? Is your business stressful? Could you both work fewer hours? Get a cleaner and an au pair?

Sorry for all the ???

Interesting thought - I have wondered whether he is suffering from depression..he wont talk about anything, never has, just not very emotional at all.

Business stress not too bad and hours workable around the kids - we've got 2G and 2B and they go to single sex schools, we've just got 2 at senior schools and 2 at junior at the moment.

lofty ...i have 5 kids at 5 different schools,its er,quite common!

Is it possible that he thinks that you put too much unnecessary pressure upon yourself?

I probably do put too much pressure on myself, I just really want everyone to be happy - it's just I don't want my kids to miss out on support for exams/uni etc just because I've got 4 of them, so I have to work that bit harder to give them each the attention that they deserve. likewise watching them when they do sport etc - but having 4 schools isn't making it easy at the moment....

I'm a bit of a control freak myself...if a job is worth doing etc....Is it possible you need to give up control and encourage the rest of the family to do stuff? So what if they get it wrong, let them learn.

You poor thing OP. My heart is breaking for you. I went through something similar. It is so hard. Try to put your original families opinions/feelings out of your mind for the moment. You have enough to worry about never mind their expectations, real or maybe not.

I know thinking of splitting the family is daunting and it is hard. But unbelieveably the relief of admitting it and starting the work brings strength you never knew you had.

The situation at the moment is intolerable. He may respond to a fright. God knows he needs to. But regardless. I think you need support for yourself. That is the urgent thing.

Making tough decisions when you are beat tired and defeated is impossible. At the very least keep sharing on here. A bit of RL support, even in the shape of a kindly ear will help you a lot.

If he is suffering from depression he needs to comprehend the importance of getting himself help. That needs to become a condition if you are to give him a chance. You dont have to do that. If he refuses you can re-assess things.

Depression is hard. I know. But the danger of trying to save the drowning man is that he might pull YOU under. You need a SERIOUS conversation with him. You need some support (if you can't find a friend get a counsellor) to validate your feelings and needs. They are not unreasonsable. You need and deserve help with the family. He can not cop out any more.

Thanks for the advice, I'm feeling much better than when I first posted, just needed to get things off my chest. Giving up control might be more difficult....tried to get kids to sort out what they wanted to see at the olympics, but they can't decide and I know when the time comes it will be a real shame if we miss such a once in a lifetime experience... xx