Dont know which way to turn

[responsibility]

DH wont be responsible for anything - I'm at my wits end with 4 kids at 4 schools (trying to support with As/ GCSEs etc), a full time (ish) job and still need to sort out house, schools/universities, holidays, cars, insurance etc etc...I ask for help, but he just can't be bothered. Does nothing for kids birthdays, mine or anyones and he can't see what I'm pulling my hair out about.
I just feel so alone, I don't want to walk away but I find it unbearable having to take responsibility for everything. When he does agree to do something he then finds a reason not to - and I only discover at a later date when we've missed the opportunity..got a fine..or whatever. DH is so uninterested in anything..any help or ideas welcome. xx

NewPathways - thanks for your advice, did you manage to stick it out, or did you split in the end? I agree that making decisions when you are tired is not a good idea - I didn't have a good night last night, which is probably half the reason I'm feeling so low today. I'm really grateful for you taking the time to reply to my post.

tried to get kids to sort out what they wanted to see at the olympics, but they can't decide and I know when the time comes it will be a real shame if we miss such a once in a lifetime experience... xx

This is exactly the sort of thing I do!!! I understand what you are saying. But, in the longer run, if you are always acting as the safety net, they will not learn to take responsibility as they will always expect you to be there. I am including your husband in this too.

Is there any way you can start by delegating things that, if they don't get done or are done badly, it will be annoying but not desperately serious?

I did try delegating the fact that the wifi hasn't worked at home since last Easter - but no one has got round to fixing it and it is now driving me mad!

Feeling much better that I'm not in this all on my own, this is my first post and it's true that a problem shared is a problem halved. x

I think it is the lot of the competent woman..and probably always has been

Responsibility - I know there is lots of good advice here but it is so different when we are just tapping away on a computer to give advice that just might not be workable for you. You did respond to a poster saying that you did put too much pressure on yourself and that is making things worse really. You say the children are at single sex schools so assume they are all in private schools? Unless you are in republic of Ireland where they do have single sex schools.

It is quite clear that you don't want to separate and you don't want any of your family to know you are struggling. You say your H won't talk about anything, not very emotional........many men are like that I think and I wouldn't think it was depression. What do you know of how he was parented as our own parenting when we were children is so important in the way that we parent isn't it. I suspect you are over compensating for the fact that your parents divorced and you are so hell bent on making everything in the garden rosy for your children, you are wearing yourself out in the process and that is not going to do them any good.

You could I suppose try "a good talk" to your H but he is unlikely to change the way he functions now. I do agree though that he doesn't need to do things because you do them and he probably doesn't even notice what you do.

You could try a counsellor for you to get some support, but mostly I think you need to step back and stop thinking you have to be the "perfect" mother because you don't, good-enough parenting is good enough!

I get a feeling if you talk to him, he is likely to say rather than him help you, you need to relax more and let people make their own choices.

I dont think he is depressed, I think he is just doing what a lot of men do, and seeing you cope, therefore letting you get on with it, as it probably seems to him that you enjoy being in control, and are maybe a bit of a martyr too. Dont take that the wrong way, it IS an easy role to fall into.

Perhaps he feels you spend all your life running around after your children and organising their lives, and have little time left to be a couple.

I will always say this to people. One day, those kids will have left home, and it will be just the two of you again, so dont let things get so far apart that when that time comes, you dont have anything left in common and have lived separate lives for too long already.

Your children are not babies now, they should have more independence, and if it means things dont get done, or get forgotten, then it is a life lesson learnt.

You sound like a fantastic hands on mum, but you are a wife too, and perhaps your husband feels all he is seen as is a dad and wants a bit of you to himself, which isnt unreasonable.

Go on strike for a bit. The whole world will not fall down around you, I guarantee that.

The children are lucky that they are at private schools, but so were my H and I so I think that it is only fair that we work hard to give them the same fortunate start that we had in life if we can.

His parents are lovely and really supportive grandparents, I couldn't ask for nicer in-laws. They're very elderly, but still very interested in all the children do. They'd be devistated if they realised that things weren't as rosy as they seem.

I've tried having a good talk with H on several occasions, I'm a great one for trying to get help when I have a problem. I'll buy a book, google stuff - hence my post here this evening...H on the other hand has difficulty in understanding that anything is wrong, I really don't think I can blame his parents for anything, other than perhaps over indulging him as a child (he is the youngest).

I want to be the best mother that I possibly can for my children..I suspect several people feel the same way, it's not in my nature to do anything than put others first, so I think I'd find it really hard to step back and not do my utmost best.

Thank you squeaky, sorry I x posted. I have been trying to work on being a couple - but he is not really the romantic type, so it's bit of an uphill task.

He likes it best when we have friends to dinner and he can impress them with my cooking - but when we are together as a couple all we end up doing is talking about work...

I've been far too indulgent posting on here this evening when I've got masses to do, but it has been a real support - so thank you for your advice. xx

I've been far too indulgent posting on here this evening when I've got masses to do

You are burning yourself out. Have some "me" time, before you end up completely and utterly jaded with everything. :)

Your kids will not love your or appreciate you any less if you leave them to their own devices for a while and do things that YOU want to do.

I agree with squeakytoy completely!

Responsibility - you seem a little defensive about your children being in private schools. I don't agree with private education but 2 of my grand children are in such schools and this is a matter for their parents. All I was thinking was that finance is clearly not an issue, so wonder if the best thing to do would be to buy in the help you need - really can't understand why you say you don't have time to get DIY people in, so you do it! That isn't logical. Buy in more help and get more time for yourself. Sounds like you deserve and need it.