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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner being very unsupportive

32 replies

Loulou757 · 25/03/2011 11:46

Hi there, I've been having a few problems with my partner an just wanted to know if anyone else has been through the same problem or can offer any advice. Basically, I had a baby 6 weeks ago and my partner has been making things worse for me, rather than trying to make things easier on me. I've struggled straight away after giving birth with urine infections, breasfeeding problems which lead to mastitis so have been feeling pretty under the weather anyway. 2 weeks after having our baby we had an argument because he wanted to go to his parents for the whole day where as i wanted to get back home within a couple of hours to feed our baby because I wanted to be comfortable in my own home as she wasn't feeding properly. He got verbally aggressive with me and shouted at me in front of the baby. He then threatened to take the baby to his parents with out me knowing full well how dependent she is on me. This verbal aggression has happened many times since we've had the baby and is really getting me down. I've now constantly got in the back of my mind that he will take the baby away from me without agreeing to it. He's also been drinking every night since baby has been here which I'm not comfortable with. He never helps around the house either. Has anyone else had these sort of problems because its really starting to get me down?. He can't seem to understand that my hormones are still all over the place and he is just making things worse.

OP posts:
frantic51 · 25/03/2011 11:50

He's being a total arse! I'd leave him. Though that's me saying that now. When my DCs were tiny I probably wouldn't have said the same. Hmm I feel for you. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more constructive advice. Sad

cestlavielife · 25/03/2011 11:54

speak to your health visitor very honestly about what is going on - they can refer you to local support people .

it is early days but he if he wont agree to get some support and help with you and talk about the issues then you ened to seriously consider the future together.

it is hard with newborn - but there are places you can both go to seek help and advice.

speak to your HV first, tell her everything that is going on

Loulou757 · 25/03/2011 12:02

I spoke to her the other day about it. She said he might have some male post natal depression or something. I tried talking to him and asking him why he's like this but he won't give me an answer. Hes an only child and he is always used to having everything done for him and I don't think he can come to terms with the fact that the baby comes first these days. He told me that the baby and him should be treated equal. I feel like I'm looking after two babies.

OP posts:
dignified · 25/03/2011 12:05

Sadly its not unusual for this behaviour to start after a baby , they assume you wont leave so feel confident in pushing you around emotionally . Hes being verbally abusive and emotionally abusive , and im sorry to say , he will probably only get worse .

Its likeley he induldged in abusive behaviours before baby was born , but it was probably subtle so you might have reasoned it away or ignored it . At the moment he is able to verbally put you in your place , no doubt calling you names ect , but eventually you will get desensitized to this and he will escalate it.

Can you speak to your mum ? You have just had a baby and need some looking after , not being screamed at . Also google emotional abuse and find out everything you can , men like this usually follow a script . Consider speaking to womans aid , this sort of behaviour isnt on , you are being abused . As for his threats to remove your baby , inform him you will ring the police if that ever happens .

I think you need to get away from him.

RudeEnglishLady · 25/03/2011 12:18

"He told me that the baby and him should be treated equal."

Is he a bit young or something? Does he need your Dad or his Dad to tell him how it is when you are a big man with a family?

I agree that you need to get wider family on board to support. He sounds awful but with the input of HV and family I think its salvagable. He certainly wouldn't be the first man to freak out after a baby.

That doesn't detract from the fact that this needs to stop, I do hope you can get some support.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/03/2011 12:21

Your HV is a twat, then. Can you ask to see or speak to a different one?THey are supposed to be aware that abuse often starts in pregnancy or when the first baby arrives and this is unfortuately a textbook case of an entitled man who thinks women exist for his benefit.

NewPathways · 25/03/2011 12:27

Oh my God. OP he is jealous of the baby. Is there anyone that could have a sharp word with him. Another man, your Dad, his Dad?

dignified · 25/03/2011 12:31

Were you completeley homest with the hv or did you tone it down a bit ?
Does your mum know whats going on , can you stay with her for a while ?

The comment about being treated equally to the baby is very worrying. He sounds demanding and horrible and i think youll pay if you dont pamper to him. I dont think he can be fixed or made to change his ways , i think youve just got to get away while you still can.

He doesnt yell at his boss or anyone else , just you , and thats reason enough to come away , you dont owe this turd anything.

nickelbabyhatcher · 25/03/2011 12:32

I second RudeEnglishLady 's idea - get his dad to talk to him about being a responsible father.
he obviously hadn't reckoned on how much the baby would need you, and how physically attached you would have to be to the baby and it's come as a shock to him.

He needs to sort it out, because it's not healthy for anyone in your house him being like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2011 12:42

Your HV was unhelpful to say the very least and I would try and speak to another such person.

Such abusive men like Loulou's partner may have learnt this type of behaviour precisely from his own father!.

I would agree with Dignified's response in its entireity. This type of abusive behaviour escalates more often than not as well. Abuse too is insidious in its onset and such men usually up the ante after their child is born.

Loulou - please contact Womens Aid, they can and will help you here.

CatPower · 25/03/2011 12:45

I'm sorry I don't have any advice (other than to echo everything the other posters have said), but god you must be just so tired. :( I really hope you get the help and support you need and deserve.

Loulou757 · 25/03/2011 12:48

My mum kindly let us live at hers once the baby was here as we can't afford our own place at the moment and she is away most of the time. I'm very thankful that I'm living there otherwise I think things would be a lot LOT worse if we weren't living under her roof. As for his dad having a word with him, I don't think he would be that bothered because he didn't really help out when my partner was a baby. I do think he is jealous of the baby. He's been staying at his parents since Sunday and I feel like I can relax without having to worry about how he's feeling. He just doesn't really seem bothered about our baby and I feel sorry for her :( I was completely honest with the health visitor but she said she's not a relationship counsellor.

OP posts:
CatPower · 25/03/2011 12:53

Your HV sounds clueless, sorry to say. It's very telling that you feel more relaxed with him being at his parents' house. Has he visited you and your DD at all since he went to his parents' place? He does sound like a jealous child, not a proud new daddy. Have you spoken to your mum about this?

dignified · 25/03/2011 12:59

Its also likeley that his dad wont take kindly to hearing that about his son , and your P will probably take big offence at you daring to speak to anyone about it and he will probably twist things round anyway to blame you . They generally do.

He doesnt need to be told its wrong because he knows full well , which is why the yelling probably only happens in private , he doesnt want anyone else to see . He feels entitled , your his partner ( his property ) and your job is to meet all his needs all the time and have none of your own . If you dont do this , or god forbid actually ask anything of him , you will be punished accordingly .

I said earlier that all these turds follow a scrpt , its predictable and happens in stages . It sounds like at the moment hes being verbally abusive to shut you up , or to punish you for daring to be a real life person with needs of your own ( like wanting to go home to feed your baby ) . They often are abusive when you express a want or need of your own , it sends them into a fury.

If hes not already , he,ll soon be punching doors or throwing things around to physically demonstrate how YOU have wound him up. ( Look what youve made me do ). Expect him to be "sorry " and full of self pity afterwards and revert to being nice for a few days . He,ll probably also start to pester you for sex regardless of how you feel about it , or start groping you .On and on it will go until you dont recognise yourself anymore and your life revolves around him and avoiding upsetting him .

Sadly the script is very very real , you can read about it on line , and there are various books that describe it . Its impossible to change the script as those of us who have tried can testify. The only thing to do is refuse to be part of it .

Loulou757 · 25/03/2011 13:00

Nope no visit. Which makes me think that he doesn't really care all that much about her. I think another thing which he's found hard is that she cries whenever he holds her and I think she can sense that he's not comfortable with her, and immediately stops crying once she's back with me. But surely he would try and work at that and make an effort? I've told my mum everything and I've had to stop get from kicking him out. I guess I've just been hanging on to see if things will get any better.

OP posts:
dignified · 25/03/2011 13:02

If hes at his mums id keep him there !

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 25/03/2011 13:08

I agree with everything dignified has said. OP don't let him back into the house for the sakes of both you and your baby. Contact Women's Aid, as has been suggested, and, if at all possible, request a new HV.

CatPower · 25/03/2011 13:13

Have to agree with dignified and ChaoticAngelofDenial, if he's at his folk's place let him stay there. If (and it's a big if) he's ever going to change, he'll do it in his own time, probably when he realises what an utter cock he's been and that he's lost the precious first few weeks/months with his baby daughter - not to mention you. You need to concentrate on yourself and your daughter's health and happiness, and he isn't contributing to that in any way at all.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 13:15

You will be better off staying at your mum's with your lovely new baby without him

he sounds like a waste of oxygen, tbh

and your HV sounds like an uneducated pillock, she needs to go on some training courses to update her skills, I think

keep your distance from him, let him do all the running and see how much effort he actually makes to re-connect with you and dd

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 13:15

oh, and tell your mum everything

don't protect this tosser

Loulou757 · 25/03/2011 13:17

Thankyou all so much for your advice :) it has reAlly helped to hear other peoples views. I'm still so petrified that he might take her without us agreeing. Is there actually anything the police could do? Because of equal right and all that.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 13:20

The police would take a very dim view of him taking her without your permission

If you feel there is any risk of that, warn him hat you will call them if he is as much as 5 minutes late returning her

You are the main carer. What you say, goes, as far as where she lives and (within reason) where he takes her

Skifit · 25/03/2011 13:29

He is selfish and should dam well grow up.
When you've had a baby suddenly all the attention is on the baby (quite naturally/rightly) and not on him anymore. He needs to grow up and start being adult, supporting you and being a mature father. I have been there Loulou and know what its like.

My ex dh was the same, and called my older son that "Thing " when he was a month old and told me i was frigid because i didnt want sex for several months after the birth. I left him in the end 6 yrs later.

I hope you can work things out and dont end up separating. He needs to stop drinking every night and think of others (esp YOU) before himself.

If he takes you child without your permission then you call the Police immediately and they will go and find babe and return her to you asap. You can tell DH this fact. I know, because I was in the police as a Special Constable. The father cant take the child away from its mother without your permission and full consent.
Stick up for yourself, and dont let him walk all over you.

Be strong, stay strong and know we mums here are supporting you.
As far as the father of your child is concerned. . . . he can take a running jump !!!!!!

dignified · 25/03/2011 13:35

He doesnt have an equal right , she lives with you , shes very very young and shes breastfed , the police will deal with him if he was to do that . Personally i think it unlikeley , hes not that bothered with her anyway , and it means hed actually have to get off his arse for a change. The effort might kill him . Hes also not going to want people to know hes refusing to return her , they like to keep their abuse secret.

Theres nothing to stop you getting legal advice about this , or speaking to your local police for some advice . If your going to bin him id expect many more threats , hes going to kill himself , youve ruined his life , your stopping him seeing dd , your mad , yadda yadda , all empty threats .

frantic51 · 25/03/2011 13:48

dignified you just told my life story! Shock In the 20 years since DC1 was born I really did come to think it was all my fault and I was mad! Sad So glad to hear I'm probably not.

Sorry OP didn't mean to hi-jack. I said there'd be folk along with more constructive advice, didn't I?

Listen to them, they are wise. Don't end up like me!

My very best wishes to you and your DD.