This is my first post and I apologise for the length in advance, I'm in my 40s and my partner is 9 yrs younger than me, he has a back problem and stays in bed all day every day, very very rarely gets up and if he does for any reason he goes straight back to bed again, he doesn't eat downstairs but eats dinner in bed not before 11pm, eats all meals in bed, although he can come down to cook food, I don't do this for him. He is full of excuses why he can't spend time out of the bedroom, armchairs are not comfortable, the dog looks at him(!) he doesn't like what I have on the tv. etc
We have no social life whatsoever, he may come shopping occasionally but this usually ends up with him losing his temper although he likes to control what food we buy and will provide a shopping list if he does not come with me.
I work two part time jobs, very early morning and evening and do everything in the house, I don't exactly expect gratitude but some acknowledgment perhaps. I've been told the house is my problem as he keeps to his room so it's nothing to do with him. Although will still criticise the way I do things around the house. He sleeps at all odd hours and expects quiet in the house if he is sleeping.
We have separate bedrooms as he refused to turn tv off or even down so I could go to sleep in order to be up early for work.He takes prescription drugs (morphine) and smokes cannabis (which he gets himself, I don't get it for him)
He is moody, snappy, rude, verbally aggressive, physically intimidating, will shout, rant, scream, slam doors, throw my food away (cooked food on plate snatched off me and binned) will switch off internet access and tv signal to punish me, will sulk for days on end. The slightest thing can upset him he has written lists of my faults to discuss point by point. EVERYTHING is my fault.
He doesn't like me working (working is for mugs) and especially doesn't like me working anywhere where I might encounter men, has told me I need to change jobs as I have a male colleague who may turn out to be a rapist and if I am raped he will have no sympathy for me and will leave me, he has accused me of cheating with said work colleague and tries to control what clothes I wear to work.
Any phone call that is a wrong number is treated as suspicious and possible evidence that I am up to no good.
He tells me I am fat, ugly, useless, pathetic, stupid, a bully, that I think I am superior, I know it all, I talk down to him, I am the rudest person he has ever met, I am a whore, I am frigid, that he feels sorry for my next victim, that I am mentally ill and need a lot of help. Says I play silly mind games .He says I am using him for money and company (!!) and mocks and belittles the job I do.
His cat rules the house, cat may not be disturbed at any time, cleaning for example must wait till the cat moves! cat must have complete peace to eat in the kitchen, must not have loud noises disturbing cat whilst cat sleeps, has almost come to blows with neighbours over the cat when one of them shooed it away (I am a big ainimal over but this is over the top) it seems the cat is an extension of himself and the same rules apply to both of them.
I feel as if I'm on eggshells all the time, I spend almost all of my time on my own, he would like me to sit upstairs in the bedroom with him ideally. I've been told I won't be happy until I have him 'dancing attendance' on me.
He constantly criticises me, undermines me, stonewalls me, demands I Ieave the room if I try to talk about anything he doesn't like (ie his behaviour) he absolutely hates being contradicted and takes anyone disagreeing with him on any subject as a personal affront. He will come into the bedroom when I've gone to bed to try and carry on an argument, pull the covers off the bed, switch the light on then slam out again.
I feel I have no real autonomy, that I'm just here to skivvy then sit quietly until something else needs doing, I often feel I have nothing but this to look forward to and I get no emotional support whatsoever from him.
I just can't bear the sight of a grown man under a duvet on a permanent basis, he lives like a sulky teenager, spending all his time in a dark stuffy bedroom with everything he needs to hand, taking all his meals up there and shoving the dirty dishes under the bed, leaving the sheets on far too long before changing them. He hasn't any friends, he's fallen out with the few he did have, his family live miles away, they know how he lives but don't say anything about it which makes it seem as if I'm the only person who has a problem with it.
This week alone I've been called an ugly fat c**t 3 times, had a door slammed in my face twice, a full hotwater bottle thrown at my head, ok it's not hard but it is heavy, he's now barricaded in the bedroom having moved furniture in front of the door and told me his parents have every sympathy with him and can't understand why he's still with me as I'm that difficult to live with and am unlike anyone he's ever met. He reduced me to a sobbing wreck one evening this week so I couldn't go to work and lost money.
I KNOW I need to get out of this situation, my name is on the tenancy agreement not his but the only thing stopping me is money, I would be in trouble straight away, even with housing benefit, I've already been to CAB and women's resource centre and the money just doesn't add up to be able to live, any more work I do will be taken off my housing benefit so it's not as simple as getting another job. I'm really afraid to just kick him out and try to go it on my own, I have no savings to even cushion things for a month or so. And above all I hate sounding so pathetic but I can't take any more of this yet feel I can't get out of it. I have a grownup son who is studying part time, working full time and saving up for a wedding, he's very sympathetic about what he knows, he knows my partner can be 'difficult', I'm actually too embarrassed to tell him the whole thing and burden him with it when he doesn't know what to do to help. If I had a friend in this situation I'd tell them in no uncertain terms to get out, I'm disgusted and disappointed with myself that I haven't already. Thanks for reading I just needed to write this all down.