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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so, my dp has been in contact with a prostitute trying to book an 'appointment'. im devestated

44 replies

juicychops · 23/03/2011 16:17

just cant believe it. ive posted various threads lately about dp being distant and stuff going on that he's not telling me. but i have never had any reason at all not to trust him ever.

he never goes anywhere without his phone. but it has never bothered me ever. ive accepted thats what he's like.

anyway, this morning he accidently left his phone at mine when he left for work this morning. i wasn't intentionally snooping, i was just curious so had a nose at his texts. he had 1600 odd in his inbox and around the same in his outbox. was just scrolling through the names of his recipients they was all his kids and his ex and his mates etc etc. but then spotted a name i didn't recognise - we'll call her emma. they were messages from her saying sorry, busy that night, sorry got to cancel, not available etc. then there was one with her address - its 2 roads from me. then a website address

i went through his sent messages to find messages he's sent to 'emma' there were quite a few, dating back to beginning of March. the latest was last night! his messages are all of him checking her availability for certain dates, messages saying her pics on here website are 'wow', asking if she did all nighters, asking if they could make it a regular thing if they both enjoy it. they made an 'appointment' but he had to cancel it, and it seems like she hasn't contacted much since

there are loads of messages from him to her asking where she's gone, if he's offended her, why she isn't replying to him, sounding pretty desperate really. saying she could have made a fortune out of him by now, and he's ready with his £100.

he owes me a lot of money. yet he can afford this? i dont think they have actually met up yet, but the intention is there and im sure it would have happened by now if she had been available.

have there been others in the past? there were no warning signs of this. Nothing. i cant believe it.

i left for work this morning and left his phone on the side. 5 mins after i had left dp was ringing me from the phone where he had left work to come back to get it obviously worried i would go through it.

he rang 7 times before i answered. i acted like nothing had happened as im not sure how to deal with this yet.

im moving house on friday and i need him to help me so cant really do anything until after ive moved. plus dont think i could deal with the stress of moving and this.

my heads all over the place. my whole life with him ive planned in my head and its all over. how can i be with someone i will never trust again? i dont doubt he loves me, but he's killed me inside

part of me wants to wait a bit longer to see if he could actually go through with it with this 'emma' and how he'd act towards me after.

id understand if we never had sex, but we have it at least 5 times a week and its always good sex not boring or dull. its obviously me he's bored of

feel rubbish. what should i do?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 23/03/2011 16:23

You are not boring, he's just a fucker.

If having a monogamous relationship is important to you then don't stay with him , also he doesn't respect women much if he is willing to engage in prostitution.

Text him about the money he owes you so that he responds and you have evidence it's a loan. Then take him to small claims court and dump him.

It's not you, he's just a scumbag.

perfumedlife · 23/03/2011 16:30

He doesn't live with you then? If not, I would say you have had one of the luckiest escapes ever.

Was he even planning to move in with you to the new place?

saxony · 23/03/2011 16:32

That's awful. I really feel for you. Personally I would never be able to forgive this, like as you say there were no warning signs and your sex life is regular. You would never be able to trust him again. It's gutting, I think you deserve to have it all out of him though....I think you should talk to him and ask him for explanations

Hope you can find the right thing to do for you.

Original poster

juicychops · 23/03/2011 16:44

i really want to talk to him tonight and after this i cant see myself staying with him anymore. i love him so much its horrible. he wasn't moving in with me, no, as we arn't in a financial situation to be able to live together - because he has no money supposedly!

i know if i leave him he will be gutted. so will his kids and his family. and so will my ds. but i will never trust him ever ever again. my ex cheated on me and i stayed then he did it again. i cant go through all that again

but friday is a big day and really do need his help. dont want to explain to my dad why he isn't there. plus friday is loan payment day so he will be giving me £170 which i can't afford to risk not getting.

i cant believe this is happening. we were only talking about marriage and the future last weekend.

do you think i should wait til he actually does something?

OP posts:

zikes · 23/03/2011 16:48

I don't think you should wait, well, maybe until after you've got your money for the loan. But I think you should cut your losses and dump him. If he hasn't actually physically cheated yet, it's only for lack of opportunity. He was certainly planning to.

zikes · 23/03/2011 16:48

I mean the installment on the loan, not the whole thing .

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 16:55

If you wait until he "actually does something" you are bargaining this away.

You say the trust has gone.

Then so has your relationship.

Can you seriously see yourself just watching and waiting ?

You are naive if, after all these texts that something hasn't "happened", if not with Emma then with someone else

Whoever said there were no warning signs was wrong. You may not have heeded them fully and been blinded to them at the time, but you have posted about his dodgy behaviour before.

Employ a man with a van to move your stuff and tell him to fuck off to his other sleazy life right now.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 16:56

oh, and never lend a man money again

you can see where it's been going now, can't you ?

oohlaalaa · 23/03/2011 17:00

Cut your losses, but see if you get as nuch of the money he owes you first.

Can you tell him that you need money to buy new ........... for house, or a holiday, clothes for DS, and that he needs to increase the repayments.

If you go through small claims court, he'll be paying you back at a rate of a tenner a week.

ZeroMinusZero · 23/03/2011 17:06

Really sorry to hear about this juicy. What a horrible thing to have to deal with. I'm afraid from an outsiders point of they it is very difficult to see how you could possibly stay together after this.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 23/03/2011 17:07

I'm sorry :(

I would wait until Friday (put off seeing him until then), get the £170 off of him first thing in the morning and say to him 'Emma' is welcome to you, now fuck off. Tell him he needs to find someone else to borrow the money off so he can pay you back before the end of the month or you will take him to court over it.

Ring your Dad now and tell him what has happened. I know it will be hard but he loves you and will just want to help you. Ask him if he has any friends that have a van or that can help you on Friday, call around your friends, ask on MN - you will get help. You do not need this bastard in your new house.

Your DS might miss him... but that's life I'm afraid :( It will be much worse for him in the long run if you stay with him.

In your place I would contact his kids if I could and tell them that you are really sorry this has happened, that their Dad did something that has hurt you very much and you can't forgive him, but that you still care about them and are very sorry about this happening - that it is NOT their fault, not at all.

As for the rest of his family I'd be telling them exactly why we were splitting up.

You, my love, have had a lucky escape - RUN (and go and get yourself tested too who knows where he's been :()

madonnawhore · 23/03/2011 17:08

Don't bother waiting until he does anything else - you already have all the proof you need of his intent to cheat on you with prostitutes as soon as he gets the opportunity.

As if it wasn't a shitty enough thing for him to do already, he's also spending money HE OWES YOU on them.

Get in writing how much he owes you and set out a schedule of payment that he has to stick to. Then, get rid of the lowlife.

Can't you ask another friend to help you with moving? Why don't you want to tell your dad? Don't be ashamed of anything, he's the one who should be ashamed.

emmybooboo · 23/03/2011 17:15

I want to put something in practically here, re the finances. You may end up writing it off. Obviously if you split, chances are he is not going to pay you back, he dosen't sound the honest type.

Getting a judgement is the easy part, getting paid it is the hard part and is very, very, costly to enforce and in many cases, with wasters not possible.

If he has no assets, or a crap credit rating, is that why he came to you, then you'll have more chance of hell freezing over before getting the money back, in all honesty. You'll be lucky to get anything and not end up more out of pocket to be honest.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 17:17

How much money are we taling about here (in total?)

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 17:17

talking

Original poster

juicychops · 23/03/2011 17:26

thanks everyone for your advice. i can cover the cost of the loan myself if it came to that, so thats not a worry, and he's always said if we ever split up in the future he would never leave me in the shit with this money. so hopefully he would honor that.

i have decided i will wait till friday so that i can get my money. he's coming round tonight and will be round tomorrow night too as thats out routine together - we've been together 5 years. i need to act like nothing is wrong until friday if i can. just spoke to him on the phone felt sick just talking to him but held it together. dont know how im gunna be when i see him.

i know it sounds pathetic, but i love him so much, this is gunna be hard ending it. i know i have to, and i will hate myself and be making the rest of my life miserable if i stay with him, but this is gunna be a difficult few days.

cant believe the fucker has done this to me. he's ruined our whole life together

OP posts:

Original poster

juicychops · 23/03/2011 17:27

just under £4k

£900 cash and just under £3k loan

OP posts:

emmybooboo · 23/03/2011 17:28

I wouldn't sleep with him though.......not now you don't know where he has been, what he is carrying possibly.

Mutt · 23/03/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 17:31

I would plead an awful virus for the next 3 days...something terrible tha he would hate to catch. Genital herpes ? That might prick his ears up...

Get your money (if you insist) then bin the dirty twat off

And get yourself down the STI clinic...he may have given you a legacy and reminder of his betrayal

Original poster

juicychops · 23/03/2011 17:38

yeah he will expect sex tonight, and at least tomorrow night as its our last evening together before he goes to his mum and dad's for the weekend (which is where he lives)

will get myself checked at the clinic. had to go through all this when my ex cheated on me. cant believe im going through it with dp now.

not even cried about it yet. just feel numb

OP posts:

zikes · 23/03/2011 17:39

Cry off tonight - just say you're knackered or fluey.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 17:40

He will expect sex then

Are you going to have sex with him just because he expects it ?

I am so sorry. Numb is a reaction to the shock. Please don't be "numb" for too long, it will do you no favours at all.

Mutt · 23/03/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

juicychops · 23/03/2011 17:45

no i wont be having sex with him il make my excuses. i think once he comes in that door the numbness will turn to disgust.

cant believe this has been happening and i didn't know. i want to know for sure if he's been with other people or not. if he has, he's an exceptional liar.

never thought he would do this to me. we've been through so much shit over the last 5 years and ive been so patient with him all this time for various things. i feel like ive wasted 5 years of my life now.

OP posts:

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