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Original poster

What do you do when the Ex wont listen?

29 replies

Skifit · 21/03/2011 19:09

. . .to the needs you are requesting for your Ds.??
I am banging my head against a brick wall.
I know there are no solutions, but its still so infuriating that now matter how many times i ask for the sake of 10 yr old DS when he goes to stay with DAD, he doesnt oblige.
He never:-
Gets him to bed on time.
Brushes his teeth regularly
Washes his hair
Makes him do his homework
Stops taking him to the Pub.

Gggrrhhh ! Angry

Can I share this with anyone ? ? ?

OP posts:
mrsravelstein · 21/03/2011 19:13

i have exactly the same issues with my exh, over ds1 who is nearly 10, all except the pub one.

i gave up fighting about it about a few years ago (we split up 7 years ago) after a row to end all rows when he informed me that my parenting was up to me and his parenting was up to him. and in the end i've had to accept that though it still does my noggin in (he came home on sunday having not had a shower all weekend, vile), at least ds1 is only with him for at most 2 nights a month.

mrsravelstein · 21/03/2011 19:14

he also thinks that nandos and pizza are the 2 main food groups and if questioned on the importance of balanced diets, says that pizzas have onions on them, which are, in fact, a vegetable, so there.

davidtennantsmistress · 21/03/2011 19:20

Hmm idiots some of these men, XH can be the same, well apart from the hair (which apparently has to be washed every single time DS is there regardless - and has a shower) and he's not always in the pub but apparently food consists of:-

Beans on toast
toast
spaghetti on toast (notice a trend yet)
sausage & beans on toast.
macdonalds
burger king.

althou if DS is really really lucky he'll get a sandwich in a pub/resturant with a bit of salad (steady on - will have been one DS has picked)

the teeth thing bugs the hell out of me, as does bed, however atm my teeth have been bad so i've used them as a tool to bash my DS over the head with - ie if you don't brush your teeth twice a day properly this will happen (shows 2 gaping bloody holes in mouth)

but the food thing I figure he eats properly with me must be starving thou with his dad (hence why I pack a few extra bits in his over night bag for him to munch on). My logic is if I harp onto DS enough he will actually remember to do as he's told out of habit cos lord knows XH is bloody useless at listening. (oh and apparently cartoon network for 48 hours is an acceptable way to entertain your child on your weekend - without going out of the house!)

mrsravelstein · 21/03/2011 20:10

i wouldn't mind so much, but after we split up, my exh became a brilliant cook so it's a shame he only ever does fast food when he's got ds1. when asked what he did at the weekend with dad, ds1 generally answers 'played with dad's iphone'. fascinating.

mrsravelstein · 21/03/2011 20:12

i think it's part of a not so subtle campaign to make it seem more appealing being with dad than being with mum... so far it doesn't appear to be working but i do dread the day when ds1 might announce he's going to live with them instead in order that he can get smelly, fat, and watch reality tv til 11pm on a saturday night.

anothermum92 · 21/03/2011 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aurynne · 21/03/2011 20:40

Agree with what other posters have said. Regardless of what you think the best parenting is, your Ex-DH is also your DS's parent, and he has the right to use his own parenting techniques, no matter how bad you think they are. Unless he is actually abusing your DS or causing him long-term damage, my advice is to chill down and concentrate on the time YOU parent him, and try to instill good habits in him by yourself.

At 10 years old, your DS should be responsible enough to brush his own teeth without someone nagging at him to do it, by the way. And having his hair unwashed for some days won't hurt him.

Original poster
Skifit · 22/03/2011 11:14

Mrsravelstein . . .what you said bout DS going to live with dad as a possibility. . .its really got me worried. We were not married but I hate the idea that at some point when DS is older, say 15yrs, saying, "I want to go and live with Dad".. My Ex girlfriend does everything domestically apparently,, cooking, washing, etc , even though she still has her own place. So life is a breeze for Ex (lazy git !)
My Ds would want to go and live with Dad, cos its far more exciting too, they have the horses, dogs, puppies, X Box, enormous HD TV, £72,000 4X wheel drive..and the gfriend has a son same age to play with. ggrrhh!
I have none of that, but look after DS well, and show him lots of care and love. Does this count for something? God, I hope so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skifit · 22/03/2011 11:15

I meant the Ex's girlfriend does everything . . . domestically.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/03/2011 12:35

of course it counts skifit - but lets face it when you were a teenager did you really appreciate everything your mother did for you?

we dont realise til we much older...
well ididnt...not teh day to day cooking etc

keep doing what you doing, dont get bitter and angry and you will maintain a good relatiosnhips with your ds into his teens and 20s -even if he does decide to go live with dad at some point.

mrsravelstein · 22/03/2011 13:04

skifit - i hope it counts too, and i hope that if he ever does announce he's off to live with his dad that i can keep my cool and let him do it... i suspect he would be back very quickly actually. and ultimately i'm not going to 'compete' for his affections by giving in and doing things the way his father does. I also think his dad and stepmum would get a big shock at the amount of the work needed to actually parent a 10 year old, i mean, the helping with homework, and ferrying around to friends and stuff... i suspect they would tire of that quite quickly...

Original poster
Skifit · 22/03/2011 21:07

DS now goes there , to Dads every Tuesday evening too now, cos he goes to Scouts there. So Dad has to make sure he does his homework , eat supper and get ready for Scouts. (ha ha )....and get him up the next morning for school !
I hope DS is tired and grumpy (not that i like him to feel like that ) and Dad can see how difficult it is parenting a boy who is knackered and obstinate.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 22/03/2011 21:20

Unless it's actually harmful, there's nothing you can do about it. Lots of people feed their DC nothing but toast and fast food, are sloppy about hairwashing and take them to the pub: SS don't intervene and nor should they.
It wont really hurt DC in the long run to have junk food and late nights at weekends as long as they get fruit, veg and regular baths the rest of the time.

ValiumSingleton · 22/03/2011 23:25

I agree with what other posters have said. Frustrating, but at ten maybe your son will begin to be responsible enough to brush his own teeth and do his own homework. Maybe. If not, he will have to go into school and tell his teacher he hasn't done it.

When I was banging my head against a brick wall over my x's awkwardness my mum said something that made me stop and think "he didn't listen to you when you were together, so why are you expecting him to start listening to you now?". It doesn't help changes things but it stops you banging your head.

amberleaf · 23/03/2011 06:47

I suspect your ex finds it a bit patronising/undermining to be told by you about teeth brushing? I also think a 10 yr old should be capable of brushing their own teeth without being prompted?

Let it go......as long as they have a good relationship and you son enjoys his time there theres really nothing to worry about.

mrsravelstein · 23/03/2011 07:58

it is only patronising to have to tell a grown man about the need for teeth to be brushed if that grown man is not actually doing it. my 10 year old is totally incapable of remembering to brush his teeth unless reminded.

it might not hurt a child to have junk food and late nights, but it is quite frustrating as a mother having to deal with the fallout of a child who is hungry/grumpy/knackered every time they come home from their father's house.

Hereforlife · 23/03/2011 08:02

I never ask my DC if they've brushed their teeth etc at ex's.

This sounds to me about control. Let it go you'll feel much better.

Hereforlife · 23/03/2011 08:04

And people sound like they're grilling their children about what goes on at their Dad's house.

Let it go.

NicknameTaken · 23/03/2011 10:26

I agree about needing to let go, Here, but it's hard when my DD(3) comes back with her pockets stuffed with biscuits and chocolate. Both she and my ex have said that she has thrown up a couple of times recently while out with ex, so I hope he's re-thinking what he's feeding her.

Msravelstein, I agree that it's about easy popularity, rather than the best interests of the child.

mrsravelstein · 23/03/2011 10:49

hereforlife - i don't ask him if he's brushed his teeth/had a shower. a) it's obvious because he smells, and b) his dad tends to say 'oh by the way, he hasn't got washed so he might need a shower' as if it's totally normal to go 24-48 hours without doing so

Downunderdolly · 23/03/2011 11:04

Skifit. You definately have my sympathies. I am new to the world of shared parenting (and my ex DH is, I believe fairly responsible thus far although am sure lots more 'fun' than I am on the basis he has 80% of his time to work/do chores etc so is likely to be more single focused) but I am quite Shock at attitude that a weekend of crap food and late nights is something that must be accepted and is considered controlling that you want the best for your child. I appreciate that occasional treats and relaxed attitudes to bedtime, particularly at w/ends are appropriate but if it was the norm it would also stress me out too. It seems like you understand you can't really do anything about it but I think that being worried about it and wanting to share is totally understandable.

QueenofWhatever · 23/03/2011 22:09

Valium Singleton

'When I was banging my head against a brick wall over my x's awkwardness my mum said something that made me stop and think "he didn't listen to you when you were together, so why are you expecting him to start listening to you now?". It doesn't help changes things but it stops you banging your head.'

Thank you (or your Mum), that is one of the most helpful things I've read in ages.

jbabyj · 23/03/2011 22:17

he wants to be the good guy which makes you the bad guy your DS will realsie as he grows you're the 1 who is there, good or bad i would let it go

Niceguy2 · 24/03/2011 10:55

This is actually a very common mistake that (at the risk of sounding sexist) women make. And that is to expect the other parent to parent to YOUR standards.

As long as the ex keeps DS safe during his time and tends to his basic needs then whatever happens after that is his perogative. Now you may hate this. Lord knows my ex does stuff I personally think is stupid but I won't accept parenting lessons from her, anymore than she will accept them from me.

And I bet if you ask OP's ex, he could rattle off a list of things he doesn't like about the way OP is raising their son.

In my experience the best thing is to suck it up and save the battles for when it matters. Besides which, at 10 years old, he really should be brushing his own teeth and washing his own hair!

mrsravelstein · 24/03/2011 14:25

niceguy, do you not think it's better if the parents are fairly consistent though? i think it has always been hard for ds1 to understand why his dad has just radically different rules on basic things (like the necessity of showering, that kitkats for breakfast is unhealthy, that a 9 year old ought to be going to bed before midnight...) than we do at home. i totally agree that there are nuances in parenting, and i certainly don't expect to control what his dad does with him, but i feel that a modicum of respect for my way of doing things would be in the best interests of ds1.