Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm afraid to leave my wife

33 replies

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:36

This is my first post here and perhaps I'm in the wrong place, as I'm a dad, but I thought I might give it a go.

My wife and I have been married for seven years and have a two year old son. I love him tremendously and am lucky enough to have him to myself one day a week. I share parental duties with my wife, which I think bothers her, as she would prefer to be the primary carer.

Regardless, our marital relationship has reached the point of no return - I think. We no longer get along and frankly, if we were to meet today, I don't think we'd connect. We fight and squabble constantly, often in front of our son which pains us both.

I've been faithful and I think she has as well. We just no longer seem to love one another. At least we certainly don't act like it. In fact we make each other miserable and can't spend time together without fighting.

We have tried counseling but it has only proven to be a temporary fix.

I don't know what to do. I think the best thing would be for us to separate, but I cannot stand the thought of being away from my son, or the idea of him growing up without his mother.

Perhaps this has all been covered elsewhere, but if anyone has advice please let me know

OP posts:

HecateTheCrone · 20/03/2011 16:39

have you talked to her about this? separating, I mean? You need to work this out together. Keep it totally amicable for the sake of your son.

samay · 20/03/2011 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 20/03/2011 16:43

Why did the counselling not 'stick'? Have you both lapsed and reverted to 'bad' behaviours?

Sounds like you need to talk, talk and talk some more. Either just the two of you, or with the benefit of a counsellor again.

The early years with a baby/young child are really difficult and stressful, as so much (inevitably) has to change in your lives.

It's all too easy (IME, sadly) to fall into bad habits and patterns, and to take the stress out on each other. Have you tried being kind to each other? I found that being snippy and snarly with DH just became a habit, and I had to consciously stop myself doing it, and to behave in the opposite way.

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:45

She won't discuss it with me. She gets upset (understandably) and tells me I need to make up my mind right now as to what I want to do. She's correct, but as you write, I need to work this out with her whichever way it goes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:47

BecauseImWorthIt, yes, we both just fall right back into bad habits and are generally mean to one another. Even when we make concerted efforts to be nice to one another for an hour or a day or a weekend, we can't do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:48

samay, how do you cope? do you lead independent lives? is it possible?

OP posts:

spidookly · 20/03/2011 16:51

"She gets upset (understandably) and tells me I need to make up my mind right now as to what I want to do"

So she doesn't agree that the marriage is over?

HecateTheCrone · 20/03/2011 16:52

It's not fair of her to refuse to make this decision with you. basically, she wants you to decide to go or stay. why? so that she can say you decided to leave her (them?)

no. that's not fair. It is something the two of you need to work out together.

What about sitting down with her and asking her if she is happy.

point out the things in the relationship that make it not happy.

ask her what she would like or need to change in the relationship, or indeed if she sees it as worth saving.

she has got to engage with you. she can't sit back and expect you to walk and then make you the bad guy. That's not right.

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:55

I'm not sure, but she said the other day that when she gets enough confidence she would leave me. She wouldn't speak further about this to me, and it is extremely out of character as she is an extremely confident person. She has also been in long term relationships before too.

I don't know

OP posts:

samay · 20/03/2011 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 16:59

i've tried asking her what makes her unhappy in our relationship and she says it's me. it's that i can't respond to everything she says by saying something nice. she wants me to be a doormat.

OP posts:

piratecat · 20/03/2011 17:00

samay, thats a very difficult and sad situation you are in. 8 yrs your ds is, and you haven't been intimate since before his birth?

spidookly · 20/03/2011 17:01

"It's not fair of her to refuse to make this decision with you."

I would say it's not fair of you to leave her in a situation where you are constantly threatening to leave but never actually go.

If she wants to work on the marriage but you have one foot out the door, then that is a shit situation for her.

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 17:01

samay, do you think you will split in the future one day?

OP posts:

HecateTheCrone · 20/03/2011 17:03

Give a couple of examples. Maybe that will help make things clearer.

something she has said and your response to it that she felt was not nice but you feel that she wanted you to be a doormat.

springydaffs · 20/03/2011 17:04

How long did you have counselling? Does your wife want the marriage to end? A lot of people on here will say go for it, leave her, because a lot of people believe you have a right to consistent happiness and a miserable period in a marriage is not worth plugging away at to resolve. If counselling fixed things for you in the short term then it is possible you could top up the counselling, and keep topping up - if you have something wrong physically it can often take extensive therapy, same with some personal problems. If even then you, or she or both, decide you dont want to pursue the marriage, counselling will help you both come to terms with the split and help you negotiate logistics. I know it's tempting to get out when you are both unhappy but I assure you, divorce is often hell on earth (nobody really tells you this) and the fallout can go on for years, even decades sometimes - it did for us and our kids. I would love my marriage to have worked and but there was a DV element in it and that was a no-goer - however, if it was general misery I still would say I would have done all I could to see if we could save it, turn it around. I can say that now because I have lived through the fallout of a divorce - it's hard to get a perspective when you are in the middle of misery. You loved her once - people fall out of love after the first flush (I don['t mean to be patronising as you probably realise this) - our culture is so obsessed with 'being in love'. Is there somebody else you're in love with? You say you have been faithful but has your heart strayed? The grass can look greener but it isn't always, you usually end up with the same issues only once removed, with divorce and custody and visitation and depleted finances to add to the mix plus unhappy kids - not always but often (probably why second marriages have a high failure rate). Divorce is not for the fainthearted.

I have some friends who have a stormy marriage and regularly take breaks of months at a stretch, though there are no children in the marriage. imo there are grades between stay or go, though it is not a popular theory these days. I think it is unlikely you would get custody OP and if that is unbearable to you then you may have to see if you can plug away some more at continued counselling.

You do know that to argue in front of your ds is one of the most damaging things you can do to him, period. Please control yourselves, you are selfish to do this and need to be the adults in this situation.

Original poster

Mike719 · 20/03/2011 17:09

springydaffs, you are right about so many things. i think we will try counselling one more time.

OP posts:

samay · 20/03/2011 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

springydaffs · 20/03/2011 17:14

"i've tried asking her what makes her unhappy in our relationship and she says it's me. it's that i can't respond to everything she says by saying something nice. she wants me to be a doormat".

that may be how you see it OP - saying something nice and being a doormat are too different things. You have to realise you are posting on a board that is predominently patronised by women and most of us will naturally see the woman's side before the man's.

It does sound like you are hanging on because you don't want to lose your son and it is clear your heart isn't in the marriage. If you love your son you will respect his mother - amazing how many fathers don't get that basic principle. If she is naturally a confident woman and is now saying her confidence is low, the stalemate in your marriage could be a largely contributing factor in that.

sungirltan · 20/03/2011 17:21

re the doormat comment. i sympathise your your dw, op. i have said siialr thing to dh in the past. i think my dh struggles to understand what being supportive in a relationship means because he has no tact whatsoever. to me being supportive means making positive comments about my choices for the sake of being sociable and getting along. it also means if i want to do something i might need practical help with then he dh should be offering it within reason. it is not the same as being helpful.

batsintheroof · 20/03/2011 18:15

my dh has no tact, either- he questions things i do etc- he thinks i should be more competitive regarding career and inadvertently criticises my choices in life. I love my dh, but i find it sometimes undermines who i am. Does this make sense?

What specifically are the behaviour issues you both have? I agree we need examples in order to give advice. I don't think that anyone is perfect and it sounds as if you both really need a good counsellor.

How long do you keep counselling up for? Good behaviour is about habit. Maybe you need to stay in counselling long-term for it to be really useful and for your habits to change?

i wish you lots of luck

MrsVidic · 20/03/2011 18:44

In my experience it's best you leave sooner rather than later

therugratref · 20/03/2011 18:56

Some of it may be how she thinks it will look to others. You leave and you are forever more the heartless bastard that left her. If she leaves she may think that people will judge her more harshly. Just a thought.

FourFortyFour · 20/03/2011 18:58

I get the feeling she wants you to be the one to say it is over and go so she isn't labelled the bad guy. I expect she wants full custody of your son as well.

Hereforlife · 20/03/2011 19:00

The advice I was given was don't move out until the finances and child arrangements are sorted out.

You could end up marginalised.

Flip

1 2