oh wow, I have done something really stupid :(

[pinkstinks]

I dont even know where to begin....
Ive been with my partner for five years, but for the last two have been in a long distance relationship whilst im at uni. I found out this summer just before we went on holiday that he had slept with someone we both knew twice.
I was so shocked and upset I didnt know what to do... it happened 4 years ago, which is the only reason I tried to move past it, we have grown up together and I didnt want to throw the last five years away...

Recently Its been really hard sustaining our relationship, when we are together its fine, but when we arent its hard for both of us (hes at uni now too) to be in the same place to skype etc.

Last night, my housemate was really drunk and knocked on my door at 4am. To cut a long story short, we did not have sex, but we could have easily, but we both held back at the last possible minute, i started crying and we both just kind of sat there in shock. He then left, and i just sat awakel like a zombie all night.

I feel guilty for him and his girlfriend, i know i shouldnt have let him into my rooom as there had been an underlying tension for a couple of months. Heres the thing though, i dont really feel guilty about my partners feelings. When he told me he s;ept with this other girl (twice) i apparently did not cross his mind until afterwards.

I feel awful for my housemates girelfriend, i just want to forget it ever happened, im not the kind of person who does this, im terrified someone will find out and i would lose a very good friend, my relationship and mess up his own five year relationship.

Can anyone help me please?
Im so sorry for the essay :(

Well done. I applaud you for having the courage to walk away from what you almost did. You might not feel it now, but you were strong.

I think you need to separate out the two issues of sustaining a relationship long distance and what happened last night. The first will take a lot of hard work. The second? Well, I think you have made the decision. That cannot happen again, nor can you be in a position where you'd even be remotely tempted. It can be as simple as never letting that happen again. You did something horrid but I don't think that makes you a horrid person. I think you're lonely and confused. And human.

I agree, well done

But this really isn't about the flat mate. Its about your relationship and you need to decide if the tension is just because you are not used to having each other around when you are together...or worse.

Please think carefully and don't end up staying in a relationship becuase you feel you should but because you want to.

Why did you go so far and why did you stop? The answers might tell you whether you should leave this relationship or not.

How old are you?

thankyou, although I dont feel like I deserve your well dones....
I never had any doubts about my relationship until I found out about my partners infidelities this summer, I think I didnt want to lose him so much I pushed it to the back of my mind - since moving back to uni this year I have been dwelling on them.

It went so far, because I was flattered I suppose and ridiculously horny - me and my partner have had a bad week, but it really wasnt a revenge thing at all.

Im 22

You're way too young to be committing to this.
Break up and live a little.

You're not too young to commit to anything if it's what you want. But it doesn't sound like you're sure.

I appreciate I am young and judging by yesterdays events very stupid
But I love my partner so much, I was younger and stupider before I met him, believe me I had lived! When I met him it was like nothing else mattered, he loved me for who I was and I loved him.
Finding out about him sharing himself with someone else ripped my heart out, and I cant believe I have almost done the same thing to him. After the shit I went through this summer I cant believe how stupid I have been.
I suppose I should tell him, get it over with.

yes, but use it as a starting point for a discussion about what you are both doing in this relationship.

Good relationships can end if you realise that you have out grown it or moved on (or the hurt is too much to get over)

And no, you haven't lived...you are not really old enough yet to know who you really are (sorry, that sounds hideouslu patronising and I don't mean it to!)

sorry...someone broke the end off my 'y' there!

dittany I understand what you mean, although it is hard to hear - I think everything is just becoming overwhelming at the moment. I am excited about the future with him though, when I think ahead its his face I see, we are going back out to India this summer which will be fantastic - I just don't know if this is a blip caused by Finals/Dissertation Stress that will get better wwhen I am home.

migrating coconuts Yes I think a discussion needs to be had, he is visiting next weekend, so I think I will wait until then, face to face would be better.
I dont feel like I have outgrown the relationship, I just feel like im being pulled in so many directions at the moment - if that makes sense?

Yes, it does!

I think a week will give you time to think it all through as well. No rush confession that leads to the wrong things being said.

Now, about this flatmate. Is your/his word enough? Is a lock needed...or should you move out?

This last question may well be what your dp will demand of you for the relationship. How would you feel about that?

Pink- what dittany says is right. I was in similar position to you- also aged 22 - we split up got back together and split again. I wish I had not Gone back As eventual split was harder. Those years weren't a waste as the relationship, the mistakes I made all made me the person I am and when the time came and I met dh I felt better stronger and more mature and I think all the pain has helped make me stronger happier and more able to enjoy and work at my relationship now.

What am I saying is it isn't a waste and it's highly likely you will find someone who appreciates you more

Oh here is where it gets complex, I hve known flatmate for around three years, and he knows partner.
I think we both scared each other shitless to be honest.
I feel like I just want to not mention it and try to forget it. When in the kitchen today we spoke like normal and did not mention last night. It would be such a shame to lose such a good friend.

In regards to locks - I have one on my door - which is remainging firmly locked at all times from now on. The lease on the house runs out in June, although i believe i will move home in mid-may, so it would be uneconomical to leave, and also perhaps an over-reaction.

It is interesting to consider what my partner would think of this, as although we didnt have sex, we could have, and we are living in a shared house. When I found out about him, I insisted I didnt want to see his OW - I didnt care about her tbh, everyone said I was odd for not wanting to be involved or talk to her, but at the end of the day, I was not in a relationship with her, I was more interesting in trying to overcome the siuation with my partner.

I have rambled im sorry, but its so good to be able to talk...

Its worth thinking about how he will react (especially if you mention the feelings were building for quite a while). You could find that he does demand the end of the frindship. Is it better not to tell him? What if you don't but flatmate does and it gets back to DP that way?

Sorry, I'm scaremongering now. I don't mean to but you shouls consider the possible outcomes to help you think about what is actually important to you...

hardandsleazy - thankyou for your perspective. I dont want to split with my partner,but I undestand what you mean about the relationship not being a waste.

I kind of want to draw a line underneath it all, it wasnt something that should have happenedd but it did. It wont happen again. It is definately not worth the thrill at the time.

migratingcoconuts I think they werent true feelings, but two people stuck in the same long distance situation with a bit of lust mixed in. Just thinking about what happened is so awkward, we kissed and it was awful, awkward and wrong.

I know that I can keep schtum, I dont want to burden someone else with this, I worry that he may cave and tell his partner. If this happened of course i would have tell the truth, what actually happened is hardley anything, but I think it is the fact that we were on the verge...

You're so young.

I'd say end the relationship with the boyfriend. What is the point of a long term relationship when you're so young? You might think you're experienced, and you've lived lots and experienced lots, but in reality you haven't. Ther eis no need to tie yourdself to this relationship just because you see your boyfriend's face in your future. The brianb pictures what it knows. That is all.

Cointreau, it sounds like your period is following the moon! moon thread

Oh sorry, wrong thread

I'm not going to use the 'you're young' thing because I think age has little to do with it. My husband was 23 when we married (I'm older) and became a father at 24 and is and was far more mature than a lot of 40-year-olds I'd been out with.

AND, plenty of my friends were mothers by the age of 22, totally by choice, and are perfectly happy with their decision.

But I think your relationship has run its course.

You didn't get over his having slept with this other person.

That's not wrong, it just is what it is.

And if you haven't by now, you won't.

Don't see it as throwing anything away, see it as an experience and instead of throwing it away you're shedding an old skin for a new one.

I think your age is immaterial tbh. That 4am knock at the door was a booty call - naughty boy. Was he really as shocked as you? My guess is he would have gone all the way if you'd let him?

I was serious at 22 and went on to marry who I was serious with. I'm not sure you should tell your boyfriend OP, though that is just theory on my part, sorry. You're anyway a long way away from each other and temptation, living in the same house with pheromones flying about... it's not hard to fall.

expat Thanks for your perspective, you're right I havent got over what he did, being apart just makes it so much worse, perhaps if we were living together/in the same city things would have dowrked out differently already....

misereremeu it was a booty call, pure and simple - tbh i dont think either of us was shocked that he appeared, just at how far it almost went.

Im glad it didnt develop into anything more, because just hitting here stewing over what did happen, its bad enough without having had the sex. Yes he would have gone all the way most definatly it was me that kept saying no

It was what it was, pink. Personally, I was always the type to think, 'Well, I've done everything but with him, what's the difference, I may as well get off,' and just do it :o.

But at any rate, it's done now.

You didn't get over what he did because the mistake was to think you two could just forget about it. As you've now learned, that doesn't work.

But at any rate, it sounds like you're needing something more than a long-distance relationship with a guy who cheated on you.

There's nothing wrong with that - you're not really tied down to him - and maybe subconsciously answering this guy's booty call is an acknowledgement that things are over with your boyfriend.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it's the space you need to see that you want and need something else.