oh wow, I have done something really stupid :(

[pinkstinks]

I dont even know where to begin....
Ive been with my partner for five years, but for the last two have been in a long distance relationship whilst im at uni. I found out this summer just before we went on holiday that he had slept with someone we both knew twice.
I was so shocked and upset I didnt know what to do... it happened 4 years ago, which is the only reason I tried to move past it, we have grown up together and I didnt want to throw the last five years away...

Recently Its been really hard sustaining our relationship, when we are together its fine, but when we arent its hard for both of us (hes at uni now too) to be in the same place to skype etc.

Last night, my housemate was really drunk and knocked on my door at 4am. To cut a long story short, we did not have sex, but we could have easily, but we both held back at the last possible minute, i started crying and we both just kind of sat there in shock. He then left, and i just sat awakel like a zombie all night.

I feel guilty for him and his girlfriend, i know i shouldnt have let him into my rooom as there had been an underlying tension for a couple of months. Heres the thing though, i dont really feel guilty about my partners feelings. When he told me he s;ept with this other girl (twice) i apparently did not cross his mind until afterwards.

I feel awful for my housemates girelfriend, i just want to forget it ever happened, im not the kind of person who does this, im terrified someone will find out and i would lose a very good friend, my relationship and mess up his own five year relationship.

Can anyone help me please?
Im so sorry for the essay :(

expat believe me I was very tempted....it was just crossing a line iyswim, that I know I didnt want to cross, even though someone has done it to me, that doesnt mean I should...

god, i was in two minds about starting this thread because I knew I would hear things I didnt want to hear, but thankyou for being (painfully ) honest...

I've been there myself.

Think things over. Don't get wrapped up in guilt, he's responsible, too and you can't do anything about this now but deal with it and move forward.

Think about what you want and need now, the future will take care of itself.

Are you saying you think it may have been revenge? I've done a bit of sexual revenge and it was just horrible, turned to ash - bitterly regretted it. Not saying you are/will but, again, I think your age is immaterial and I'm concerned that posters are suggesting your relationship is not as relevant as if you were an older couple, puppy love or something. I don't think it is necessarily.

No, I think the age thing has only really come up to try and stress to op that this isn't necessarily the be all and end all for relationships in her life.

misereremei no, I wasnt doing it for revenge purposes, I would definately rather not tell my DP. It was a mixture of opportunity/lust/stupidity. But I think that by actively stopping before it went too far, although it went far enough it highlights that I didnt want to hurt anyone.

I believe that age is immaterial also, I understand there are many out there who have had infinately more life experiences and are most defintely wiser, but I am curious to know if the advice would hace been different if i had said my age was 22 for example?...

oops
obviously meant 32 there!

no, the relationship is still not the be all, even then

or at 42, or 52.

Its just that you are more likley to have kids to take into account by then...

Its just I can remeber being 22 and thinking I pretty much must have experienced all there was. At 32 I knew I was wrong. I reach 42 this year and will let you know..

(I really must complete a post, then press the 'post' key)

im sorry i probably sound all over the place. I just feel a bit stupid really...
And then reading the other threads about all of the brave women out there overcoming such awful situations - or finding out about their partners cheating make me feel/look like an immature idiot.

Its not the end of the world. Its what I choose to do now that matters I suppose. But Im scared.

I don't think you sound any of those things .

in truth, you sound a lot like me.

just take time to think through what it is you really want.

lol at migrating

Did you know it was him at the door OP - did you semi-arrange it? I'm sorry to say it but, after all the shame and horror has died down, my guess is that you could both well finish the job off at some stage and it could become a pattern - do it, feel shit and hate yourself, do it again. Sorry to be so blunt and possibly cynical but imo once that barrier has been crossed....

I was asleep! I heard knocking at my door, persistant bastard that he is... i opened the door...yadda yadda yadda. It wasnt semi arranged - im embaressed enough that i wasnt drunk!
I understand what you mean about it turning into a pattern, unfortunately I obviously cant say it wont happen again due to the fact there has been a certain ... frisson of energy between us of late.

Ive dicked around on previous partners before and not been at all bothered. Ive done the whole revenge sex thing, and not felt guilty.

This is different, it feels different and wrong, kissing him felt wrong, being in close proximity to him felt wrong. I dont want to do it again, to be honest it has made me want my partner, but I dont know if I could even look him in the eye.

Some 22 year olds aren't up to a serious partnership but some are. My dd is in a serious relationship which will probably lead to marriage - she's found the 'one'. People settle down later these days but it isn't necessarily a given - some people get hitched early on imo, regardless of what's going on around them.

I was 16/17 when doing that, which to some people sounds young im sure, and you are right the word partner denotes a little equality, which in these relationships was not apt. That isnt how i referred to them at the time though

im not defending my actions at all, but i think certain experiences in my life have led to me being more mature than most, but that is neither here nor there.

I think partner is the preferred term for many people my age in equally long term relationships, as funnily enough "boyfriend" seems a bit trivial.

I lived with my partner before I came to uni, and when I go home in the holidays I live with him too.

woh, that's a bit harsh dittany!

I think Dittany is absolutely right and articulates it very well.

Some teenage relationships do indeed last forever. Read the 'To whom did you lose your virginity?' and 'How soon after meeting your DP/DH did you have sex?' threads.

I have two daughters and hope I'm not as dismissive as some of you are about their relationships, however they chose to term them.

My mother was that's why I never told her the half of what goes on in my life.

Get off mumsnet and go get a life love would be my opinion . And he's not q 'partner ' - unless he is father or your child maybe? - at 22 he's just q boyfriend. Are you lonely in general?

Ah pinkstink, I sympathise....

I'm the same age as you, also had a 4 year long distance-relationship which ended when I was 19. Well, it was long distance for a year (Belfast-Glasgow = nightmare). In the end it ended because we grew apart and I started to develop feelings for someone else. We both knew it was over for a long time, but I think we were sort of hanging in there because we'd invested so much time. I would never do that again.

As an aside- guys who cheat on their girlfriends are not nice people. This might sound blatantly obvious, but someone who knocks on your door at 4am and wangles their way into your room, and eventually your bed (all while blocking out any thoughts of their girlfriend who they profess to be in love with) is not a catch. This applies to two men in your life.

Don't mistake your feelings of hurt at your boyfriend's infidelity as feelings of love for him.

It's not so much to do with your age as to do with the fact that you're at university and could be living a very free and happy life instead of partnering yourself to people.

You don't have to want your flatmate as a partner to want to sleep with him. And you don't have to want to sleep with him for you to decide that your relationship's over. Which I think it is.

Congratulations- the fun starts here