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Original poster

Which one?

32 replies

DecisionTimeForMe · 19/03/2011 00:32

Becoming-more-bold newbie, longtime lurker, namechanging for this.
I would like to hear your thoughts about which man you would choose. I am deliberately only giving limited info about myself, because I really only want to know what you think about the men :)

Man One: Self-confessed commitment phobe when it comes to having children (not about being in a relationship). Chequered past, but in the nearly ten years I have known him has really done some growing up, seeking counselling for his ishoos etc. We have a lot in common in this respect and support each other in this. We had a sexual relationship in the past which was quite frankly, the most intense of my life. I?ve not known anything like it before or since. I still feel a great desire to be with him. Geography is a hurdle, as is his current relationship (which will end eventually as he will not entertain the thought of having children).
Man Two: Honourable, ?safe?, very loving. Also supportive of me and my mild depression/anxiety which is not debilitating but is requiring a bit of work at present. We have also had a sexual relationship which is very enjoyable, although if I was honest it is nowhere near as intense as with Man One. As I mentioned he is supportive of me, but doesn?t really ?get it? as far as my difficulties with myself and my family problems but he does his best, bless him and I admire him for taking me on. His family are Lovely with a capital L, they embrace me. Man Two and I would have a wonderful, stable, ?safe? life together. Man Two desperately wants children. He would be a wonderful father. He loves me above all else.
One thing I will mention about myself: I could live without having children. Or I could probably be convinced to have one but I suspect I would have a rough time of it. But I know it would be worth it in the end. Another thing which may or may not be important; I knew Man One before I met Man Two. I didn?t believe Man One and I had a future when we were sleeping together and never imagined that we would still be in contact now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DecisionTimeForMe · 19/03/2011 00:32

Meant to add - thanks in advance for your thoughts!

OP posts:
cashmeregoat · 19/03/2011 01:00

Obviously nobody can really say based on the info given. However... Does man 1 actually want to be with you? You haven't said so in your post.

cabbageroses · 19/03/2011 07:43

You haven't actually made it clear whether either of these men want to marry you- or be with you long term.

You appear to be living in some kind of fantasy world where Man 1 goes- he is in another relationship anyway, so who says he will want to begin anything with you again IF he gets out of it? Has he said so?

The short answer to which one- if indeed you do have that choice- is neither.

If you have to agonise that much and ask a bunch of strangers to decide based on a few lines of text, then you should dump both and find someone who you know is right for you.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/03/2011 07:56

What cabbageroses said - if you're wavering between two men, neither is the right one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2011 08:12

DTFM

Would say neither man one or two is the Mr Right for you.

You write re Man One, "As I mentioned he is supportive of me, but doesn?t really ?get it? as far as my difficulties with myself and my family problems but he does his best, bless him and I admire him for taking me on" re man 1.

You are not their project to rescue and or save and that same caveat equally applies to them re your good self. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour within a relationship; it just does not work. Man 2 is nice and safe also because his own family from whence he came represent the family that you likely never had.

I would walk away from these two and love your own self for a change. You need to continue to work on your own self regarding your depression/anxiety based issues without either of them being around; if they were truly supportive they would understand. If you are not already in counselling then I would suggest this is an area you need to look at in greater detail.

FourFortyFour · 19/03/2011 08:19

Are you seeing man one now while he is with someone else?

Mamaz0n · 19/03/2011 08:20

I am confused as to where you feel the decision lies?

you seem to be trying to decide which future path is right for you and yet one of the routes you have chosen is not even accessible.

I think that if you are in a relationship with 2 and yet still wondering if you should go for 1 then number 2 clearly isn't right for you.
the fact you are chasing 1 despite knowing he is very much off limits means that you should cut ties with him as you are over reliant and have rose tinted glasses.

I think you should spend some time alone working on yourself.

cabbageroses · 19/03/2011 08:34

Can I just add that your feelings over children are very confused. You might want them, but you would have a rough time of it- but it would be worth it in the end???? Don't know what you mean.

I think you need to live in the present not think about something too far ahead.

Even IF you ended up in a relationship with Man 1 and IF you agreed not to have children, then you may still change your mind later.

I also wonder why he is in a relationship now with someone who from what you say wants children and will, in view, leave him ( or vice versa) when their differences become clear.

How do you know?
Has he told you this?

If so, why is he wasting time with his current girlfriend- rather than chasing you?

I think the "dilemma" is in your mind . You really do need to re-think this.

Maybe your post should have said IF I had to make this choice....

Sorry.

squeakytoy · 19/03/2011 09:19

Well from reading your Op, Man2 is certainly the better "bet". But if you are dithering between two of them, then I would say neither are right for you.

Man 1 particularly sounds unreliable, and a big risk. He is in a relationship, dont be so sure it will end.

Amazing sex is great, but it isnt the whole relationship, and in the long term, fidelity, trust, companionship, and respect are much more important than swinging from the chandeliers.

Snorbs · 19/03/2011 10:27

OP, I hope you don't mind me saying this but your post is all about what these men could do for you and what their feelings are towards you.

How do you feel about them?

What do you feel you could bring to a relationship with either of them?

In general, though, I have to agree with the others in that if you're dithering like this then it suggests that neither of them is right for you.

QueenBathsheba · 19/03/2011 13:54

If you can't decide bewteen the two of them then neither one is right for you.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 13:57

you sound like a fantasist Hmm

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 13:58

or a journalist Smile

feeblephoebe · 19/03/2011 14:00

why does a lurker need to namechange lol

Lacuna · 19/03/2011 14:03

I'm not sure I would go for either of them.

Man 1 sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Man 2 - well, saying 'I admire him for taking me on' is a bit of a worry, to say the least. You don't need to be grateful to any man, you know!

Is it not possible just to stay single?

NewPathways · 19/03/2011 14:13

I don't really believe in 'commitment-phobia' either wrt relationships OR kids.
If a man dithers about either then he's just not that into you.

Man 1 sounds like he calls the shots and you are prepared to jump through hoops for him.

Man two you make sound like the booby prize. Sensible and loving but very much a compromise/second choice.

Why not look for a relationship where you are both EQUAL instead of one or then other of you having the 'upper hand'.

Also not sure if you're being truthful with yourself about wanting kids. If you are so ambivalent, how come you are on MN in the first place.

madonnawhore · 19/03/2011 14:44

How old are you OP? I ask because of the kids issue. I never wanted children all through my twenties and thought I would never be bothered, but now I'm in my thirties I really, really want a family and if I was deeply involved with someone who definitely didn't want children, that would be a big problem.

Besides, man one sounds attached at present and you haven't said whether he even wants to be with you at all. Reading between the lines I'd say you're currently in some sort of relationship with man two (?), but he's not really fulfilling all your needs (?).

In that case, I would suggest you pick neither man and find an entirely new one.

Original poster
DecisionTimeForMe · 19/03/2011 20:25

Thanks for your replies - I'm sorry it's taken so long to come back to this thread.

I see that my wording was wrong. Maybe this should have been a WWYD? I simply wanted to know what people what do faced with two paths ahead of them, and which parts of a relationship were most important - loyalty and companionship vs a strong physical attraction and an understanding of the problems someone faces in their life.

I care for both these people deeply. I am neither a fantasist nor a journalist. I believe in equality in relationships and certainly do not see myself as a 'project' or in need of saving. sigh

I am working on myself in counselling, and have been for over a year.

Am surprised at the reply asking why would I come on the internet to ask a bunch of strangers about this. What is the point of sites like MN if not that??!? Every second post in this forum is exactly that.

Anyway, thanks again. Next time will choose better wording. (See I'm clearly not a journalist Wink)

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 19/03/2011 20:33

Decision-I really think the one you sound like you are in love with is man 1. I'd jump hoops to be with him if I was you Smile.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 20:36

gosh, yes, and one of those "hoops" to jump is his current partner

am wondering how you will despatch her Hmm

ebbandflow · 19/03/2011 20:39

Peter-I only said that because the OP sounds like she is lead part of a rom com!

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 20:41

ah, did I miss your irony, ebb ?

sorry, love, I usually get sarcasm

it's the full moon, ya know Smile

MigratingCoconuts · 19/03/2011 20:42

Neither, just because you are asking this.

If one of them was right, you'd not be here asking....

Go off, shag number three in a one night stand, fancy number 4 from a distance, enjoy time with none for a bit, have a relationship with number 5, flirt with number 6 and maybe, just maybe you'll meet a 7,8 or 9 who is a better choice.

Leave the poor girlfriend alone.

msshapelybottom · 19/03/2011 20:44

Both of them sound like too much of a comprimise TBH.

I don't do comprimises any more (which is why I am single!) but if I were giving advice I'd say go for the man who makes your heart beat faster.

Personally, I'd stick around and wait for man 3 or 4 Smile

FourFortyFour · 19/03/2011 20:45

MC is a genius.