Ungrateful... how do I get over it?

[HMTheQueen]

Backstory here, here, and here (just in the interests of not drip feeding!)

Current issue - Last night MIL calls me and leaves a voicemail asking me what is my favourite event at the Olympics as she'd like to buy tickets for her, BIL, me and DS to go. (Note: didn't ask if I wanted to go - just assumed.)

She then emailed me at work today and asked again what my favourite event is, so she could get tickets. Also asked about skyping on sunday, whether we want to spend a week in Devon in a caravan in the summer on a 'Bucket and Spade' holiday, and whether we are visiting for easter.

Now - heres the thing...

I HATE sport. MIL has known me for nearly 9 years and knows this. I would go to rugby with DH when he was still alive - as it was his job - he was a rugby coach. But I don't enjoy sport. I just don't. Sorry.

Also, I don't want to go on holidays with her. I did a long weekend in October at Longleat Centreparcs and nearly killed her. I had her to stay for Xmas for 6 days and I nearly killed her. Being cooped up in a caravan with her for a week would definitely kill me (let alone her! )

So I replied saying 'very nice offer, very thoughtful, but I'm not interested in the Olympics.'

The reason I was quite blunt to the point, is because she doesn't understand subtlety... If you aren't direct, she doesn't get it.

Also said that after camping with some friends in the summer - we will probably have had enough of 'Bucket and Spade' holidays. Why don't we, I suggest, do Centreparcs again for a long weekend maybe and I can see if some friends want to come to help reduce costs (and so that I have other people there as a buffer).

(Also said yes to Skyping and yes to Easter).

She replies with - Oh didn't realise you don't like the Olympics but what about DS? The Olympics may never be in the UK again in his lifetime, so don't I want him to experience it?

And she says that Centreparcs is v. expensive, so why don't my friends come down to Devon and we have a holiday like she suggested - just with my friends.

Here's the issue: I don't want to trek across london with a (then) four year old (and an overweight ex-smoker who isn't the fittest and struggles with public transport) to a sport I don't want to see and won't be able to see properly anyway - and you get a better view at home on the TV. I get the arguments about the atmosphere - but I was in Australia for the Sydney Olympics and it was chaos. I can't be dealing with it. Also DS won't even remember it anyway.

I don't want to go on holidays with her either. She says BIL will be there - I know he has already told her he doesn't want to go.

I don't want to be guilted into doing things with her. I don't want the whole - 'Do it for DS - it's a once in a lifetime opportunity'. I also don't want her to get me to go on holidays where I expect BIL to be there when he won't be so it will be me and her, in a caravan, alone after DS goes to sleep. Not my idea of a holiday.

She thinks it will be fun. I think it will be hell. I am not her friend (although she thinks we are) I am her DIL. I don't want her to be buddies with me. She is DS's Grandma and she can spend as much time with him as she likes - but I don't want to be forced to have a holiday with her because she wants it to happen. I also don't want her to ask me questions and completely disregard my answers and go with her original idea anyway.

I know I am being completely unreasonable and ungracious. She is trying to spend time with her only grandchild after the death of her son (my DH). She is doing the best she can. Why do I have this irrational hatred of everything she suggests? Why do I clench as soon as I see her name on my phone or email? I know this is my problem, not hers.... but how do I solve it? I need to get over this for the sake of my DS and his relationship with his Grandma, because if I don't I can see problems in the years ahead, where we spend less and less time with her, because she annoys the hell out of me with her every move, thought and word.

Can't she just take your ds?

I thought of her taking DS - but I don't know if she can cope with him. She had him for a day and an overnight (just her) over xmas and she was shattered. I mean properly exhausted. They didn't go anywhere (apart from the park) so I don't know how she would cope with him for an 'outing' or for a few days on holidays.

But, am I just making up excuses because I don't want to accommodate her? I have so many irrational issues with her... I don't know what are real ones or ones I'm just being stupid over.

just go, make the woman happy, it wont be any skin off your nose

I do feel sorry for both of you. It must be terrible to lose your dh and a son. I've read all your OP's and I think you are being very over-sensitive because of your intense relationship with her. I'm really not sure how to solve it...no idea, other than counselling. I'm sure you've had some. Can you ask for some more to deal with this specific issue as it is causing you some torment.

It sounds like she is very lonely and in need of friendship. Not that you need to provide it, but I think your barriers to her are pretty high. You do do things with her, but you've gone into it expecting to hate it. Her life revolves around your ds now, which must be really hard for both of you. You need advice on boundaries, with compassion! Very complicated. At the moment, I think you don't have clear boundaries, and you don't have compassion.

I think you should go to the Olympics if she is paying. You are being unreasonable about that. It is one afternoon of your life. It is once in a lifetime. And though ds will be too young to fully appreciate, I'm sure in future years it will be a great story to tell and a great memory with pics etc. I'm certainly not into sport, but I hope to go to something.

The rest..get some help to sort out your relationship with her. Figure out the boundaries. Have a really good deep chat, really honest, but also to remember her feelings in this. Otherwise she will just feel pushed away and unloved, which I'm sure you don't want. But I think you need some help before that.

In the meantime, can you get the friends to Devon? If not, tell her they would rather do blah blah blah. Something not Centre Parcs or Devon. And try and get BIL on side too, something he'd like to do. It's his Mum and he needs to look after her in this area.

He is 4, he probably won't remember it. Don't feel guilty, you are not her daughter don't go on holiday with her just let her go to the park with your ds as much as she likes.

You are not a replacement child.

Be strict for your own sanity

By the way I think the butter and mustard at xmas were probably just her using them up or not sure if you'd have mustard (I don't)...but I'm sure you had lots of replies to that.

at the mustard and butter fiasco. I had both (and an assortment of mustard) but I trying to let it go!

Thanks for your thoughts Merry - I am trying to figure out our relationship. I sometimes wonder if we even need to have one? That sounds harsh - but would you have a relationship with your MIL if your DH wasn't around (divorce/split up)? Just because DH died doesn't mean that I should take his place as a substitute child for her. (like pretty says).

She's really not the type of person I would normally be friends with - or even have any contact with, if she weren't DH's mum. But she is, so I do. I just need to figure out how to not get so irritated at her (without her doing anything wrong).

The other problem is, that I feel that if I just do as she asks, then I have no say in anything - and I feel like my opinion doesn't count.

I agree with what Merrymarigold said

I think she was trying to do something memorable and special and sometimes, so as not to hurt people that love us, we have to do things that we don't particulary enjoy. I'm in the "ungrateful camp". Sorry but you asked.

thanks text - I'm kinda also in the ungrateful camp... but I don't know why I'm being such a bitch! Grrr... I wish I could just shake it off!

I think stand your ground on some of it and compromise on other bits.

I would stand your ground on the Olympic thing - he is too young and it's very expensive.

Have you got someone who could go to Devon with you?

HM, I think your posts are a bit torn - "Just because DH died doesn't mean that I should take his place as a subsitute child for her" followed by "I'm kinda also in the ungrateful camp...but I don't know why I'm being such a bitch".

Very conflicting emotions! I think if you were clearer on: this is what I want our relationship to be, these are the things I am happy for you to do with us/ to do with ds - then you could let go of little things like mustard and advent calendars! At the moment it's all a bit messy.

You'll need some help to work that out. Preferably a professional, but maybe friends and BIL could help if you're really stuck on this, as they know both of you.

I am so sorry about your DH. How long ago did he die? It takes such a long time for the world to settle back on its new axis after something like this and everything can remain so raw and uncertain for ages and ages. Much longer than people might think.

I think she is asking too much of you all at once ... it's a bit overwhelming to be asked about Olympics and Easter and summer holidays and skyping on Sunday. It must make you feel very crowded and claustrophobic, especially given that you don't view her as a friend.

Can you take a step back from her for a bit? do the Sunday Skype, put everything else on hold and just take time out from seeing her, speaking to her, making any sort of plans?

You are not beholden to her, you have no obligation to see her - but you are doing the right thing by keeping in touch. However, she isn't giving you the space you need - to grieve, to breathe and to establish yourself as your own individual person, an independent person who has to make their own choices, plan their own holidays and outings. You need to find a way to turn this around so that you involve her in your and ds's life, rather than her making the running and trying to set everything up.

Conflicted - YES. I feel for her, and i want to help her, but I don't want it to come at the expense of mine and DS's time and lives. And I don't want her to plan her life around us - she needs to have a life outside of us... but I don't want to stop her from seeing DS.

I think my work has a counselling service... maybe I should call them? I've never had any sort of professional help (apart from MN!) - I don't really think they could help that much... they can't bring DH back... what's the point of talking about him?

But if they can help me get my head around my relationship with her, that might help. But there's no point in me talking to someone if she doesn't. And I don't know if she would want to. She has had some counselling through her GP when she went onto the anti-d's but I think it's finished now.

Escallonia - yes she did rather bombard me! The email was

Hi HM
Question about Olympics
Question about Skype
Question about the summer
Question about easter.
Hope you're well
lots of love MIL

Not a huge amount of breathing space!

When I replied to her, she sent back to me commenting on how long my email was! It had to be to answer all her questions!

DH died 2 years ago. DS was 7 months old. It feels like yesterday, and yet a lifetime ago.

As your ds gets older, he'll be able to see her more on his own - don't think it's always going to be like this.

I can empathise with you about feeling so wound up by her, even when she's doing her best and you know she is. I don't think you should force yourself to go on holidays with her, but I do think you should try to control your irritation.

Perhaps start by letting her decide if she's physically capable of looking after him on trips. If she's got the money, she could use taxis and find easier ways of doing things.

It sounds to me like she is trying very hard, too hard, with our relationship.

I feel for you both but I do think that to some extent you just have to suck it up for the sake of your kids. Give her clear boundaries for what you will and will not do i.e. skype once a week, certain hildays spent together etc. I'm sure in time you will come to appreciate her and her connection to your Dh.

My dad died when I was 5 and my Mum kind of fell out with his parents so after a while we had no connection at all to his family. I don't think it was particularly my mum's fault but we, the children, really did miss out on a connection to my Dad through that relationship iykwim?

Must be horribly difficult for all of you x

I think it will get easier as your ds gets older as she will be able to look after him without you there - so hold onto that

How do you respond to her requests?

Would counselling help you work out how to manage her better?

Olympics. No that doesn't work for us. I've seen it before at Sydney ds is far too young for the crowds. How about we have a day together when the finals are on and have a mini party?

Summer. I need to think about what will work for us. Don't keep a week free for us just in case we can make it.

that type of thing? I suppose negotiating contact on your terms as much as them being on hers.

Definitely do use the service. Counselling can be really helpful when it is good. It doesn't matter if she has it or not. You are your own responsibility. Wouldn't it feel great to know what you want from your relationship? To not feel guilty for 'hurting' her or being 'ungrateful'? To have things a lot clearer.

I also think it would just help remove a lot of 'gunk' from your relationship, from your perspective. I am 100% sure you'd find her a lot less irritating (maybe more irritating for a little bit, but long term, definitely less irritating)...

Please do go for counselling. MN is a bunch of unprofessional, opinionated old harridans (me included!). You need someone professional, accepting, compassionate (not me).

Sorry your not our, and all the other typos :(

I've said flat out no to the Olympics and a maybe/alternative to the summer. I have been 'sucking it up' and I do find it's never as bad as I think it will be. Which goes to show it's all (or mostly) in my head.

I don't really get wound up be people - since DH died, I've been of the opinion that there are worse things to worry about - but not when it comes to her. I wonder why? The really small things irritate me with her!

I think I will find that number when i get to work on Monday. I've not really thought about counselling before - but as you say Merry, they are professionals (and I think MN and my friends are getting sick of me whining! )

I've read your previous threads and it always seems to me like you're giving this poor woman a really hard time, and in this case I would be in the ungrateful camp too.

However, I can empathise completely with how relatives (especially ones that aren't blood relatives) are able to inexplicably drive you completely insane for no real discernible reason.

She's just trying too hard isn't she? And you don't need her to.

Also, (there must be some proper psychological theory behind this that I have no idea about), since my mum died I have found it nearly impossible to be around my grandmother (mum's mum) without getting terribly and unjustifiably wound up.

It's like she pays too much attention to me now because I'm mum's daughter and I feel really uncomfortable on the pedestal she's put me on IYSWIM? It makes me want to avoid her, which is awful because she won't be around much longer and I'll be devastated when she goes.

Could that micro-interest in you as an extension of her son, be part of what makes you so uncomfortable?

Madonna I think that's right - micro-interest. And to a degree I think she has put me on this pedestal - she wouldn't admit her depression because I'm not depressed. She tries too hard to be my friend, too hard to be the perfect Grandma, too hard to be in our lives.

She doesn't feel she has the right to feel bad about DH as I appear to cope better than her. This is only because I have to cope because of DS. I can't imagine how she feels at losing her son. But she doesn't feel she can show her grief because I don't (at least I don't show it to her!)

And I think you are right about non-blood relatives inexplicably driving me mad for no reason How do they know how to do it?