Ungrateful... how do I get over it?

[HMTheQueen]

Backstory here, here, and here (just in the interests of not drip feeding!)

Current issue - Last night MIL calls me and leaves a voicemail asking me what is my favourite event at the Olympics as she'd like to buy tickets for her, BIL, me and DS to go. (Note: didn't ask if I wanted to go - just assumed.)

She then emailed me at work today and asked again what my favourite event is, so she could get tickets. Also asked about skyping on sunday, whether we want to spend a week in Devon in a caravan in the summer on a 'Bucket and Spade' holiday, and whether we are visiting for easter.

Now - heres the thing...

I HATE sport. MIL has known me for nearly 9 years and knows this. I would go to rugby with DH when he was still alive - as it was his job - he was a rugby coach. But I don't enjoy sport. I just don't. Sorry.

Also, I don't want to go on holidays with her. I did a long weekend in October at Longleat Centreparcs and nearly killed her. I had her to stay for Xmas for 6 days and I nearly killed her. Being cooped up in a caravan with her for a week would definitely kill me (let alone her! )

So I replied saying 'very nice offer, very thoughtful, but I'm not interested in the Olympics.'

The reason I was quite blunt to the point, is because she doesn't understand subtlety... If you aren't direct, she doesn't get it.

Also said that after camping with some friends in the summer - we will probably have had enough of 'Bucket and Spade' holidays. Why don't we, I suggest, do Centreparcs again for a long weekend maybe and I can see if some friends want to come to help reduce costs (and so that I have other people there as a buffer).

(Also said yes to Skyping and yes to Easter).

She replies with - Oh didn't realise you don't like the Olympics but what about DS? The Olympics may never be in the UK again in his lifetime, so don't I want him to experience it?

And she says that Centreparcs is v. expensive, so why don't my friends come down to Devon and we have a holiday like she suggested - just with my friends.

Here's the issue: I don't want to trek across london with a (then) four year old (and an overweight ex-smoker who isn't the fittest and struggles with public transport) to a sport I don't want to see and won't be able to see properly anyway - and you get a better view at home on the TV. I get the arguments about the atmosphere - but I was in Australia for the Sydney Olympics and it was chaos. I can't be dealing with it. Also DS won't even remember it anyway.

I don't want to go on holidays with her either. She says BIL will be there - I know he has already told her he doesn't want to go.

I don't want to be guilted into doing things with her. I don't want the whole - 'Do it for DS - it's a once in a lifetime opportunity'. I also don't want her to get me to go on holidays where I expect BIL to be there when he won't be so it will be me and her, in a caravan, alone after DS goes to sleep. Not my idea of a holiday.

She thinks it will be fun. I think it will be hell. I am not her friend (although she thinks we are) I am her DIL. I don't want her to be buddies with me. She is DS's Grandma and she can spend as much time with him as she likes - but I don't want to be forced to have a holiday with her because she wants it to happen. I also don't want her to ask me questions and completely disregard my answers and go with her original idea anyway.

I know I am being completely unreasonable and ungracious. She is trying to spend time with her only grandchild after the death of her son (my DH). She is doing the best she can. Why do I have this irrational hatred of everything she suggests? Why do I clench as soon as I see her name on my phone or email? I know this is my problem, not hers.... but how do I solve it? I need to get over this for the sake of my DS and his relationship with his Grandma, because if I don't I can see problems in the years ahead, where we spend less and less time with her, because she annoys the hell out of me with her every move, thought and word.

Grief is a funny thing. Those who remind us most of the ones we've lost are often those we find most difficult and maddening.

When mum died we all kind of closed ranks and huddled as a family unit at first, which was great support while we got over the initial grimness. But after I while I felt like I just wanted them all to fuck off and let me process things on my own for a bit. Obviously that brings all sorts of feelings of guilt and inadequacy, etc, so you perhaps don't say what you really want to say for fear of further hurting someone who's already in huge amounts of pain.

It's just really difficult. I don't think there is an answer - just do as much as you feel you can cope with with her while at the same time having consideration for her feelings. I'm sure you're doing this already.

I sympathise! Here is a great place for venting irrational, petulant feelings of ungratefulness. Much better to do it on an anonymous forum, than o a skype call with MIL :)

Perhaps you can drop into conversation at times that you do still grieve at times and you know that DS helps you carry on but how we're all different etc etc

Perhaps you can work through stuff so she ends up with permission to be herself and to be sad and grieve when she's having a bad day.

It's so hard if she backed off you'd probably feel warmer towards her!

I have only read your OP. I think youare neither unreasonable or mean....it's all too much! She wants this she wants that...I clench when my perfectly kind MIL calls me and I still have my DH to laugh about it all with.

Pick ONE thing....either the Olympics or the holiday...not both in addition to easter!

Tell her...

I just read madonnawhores post and I think she's got it. Micro interest...she's pourng the attention on you and DS nd it's all to much.

Hm your post made me feel really sad, i think you and this woman want the same thing , a good relationship - and you can work out a way of having this in a way that suits you both.

I do really feel for you but I'm afraid I disagree with the posters who say she is asking too much - all she is doing here is communicating with you in a way you find overwhelming. Offering to take you to the olympics is a really lovely thought and while of course you don't have to go, I think you should try not to overanalyse it. It's not about liking sport , she's trying to think of a way to treat you and her grandson to a day out.

The poster above says pick one thing - that is really unfair. The olympics are in over a year - it's an afternoon out - she is asking about one day out and one holiday , skinit she is a granny making a couple of suggestions to meet over the next 18 months! Come on, it's not an evil selfish offer - the problem here is not these particular arrangements it's your relationship with her.

It's not 'too much' to try and treat your family while also hoping to have a holiday with them.

Op. I agree about counselling it really helped me get over some profound issues I had towards some family members. It helped me accept them for who they were and forgive them for being so annoying! I knew they loved me.

One fundamental thing- I think that people who say you have no responsibility to her are wrong. She is family and in many cultures you would be far more tied to her.

I think that perhaps tying it in with counselling it might be worth speaking to her - reassuring her she will always have a place as grandma and setting out your own vision of this - she is trying to do what she thinks is right, keep being firm about your own choices , but I do think from reading all this that your feelings are getting you into greater stress than this poor woman could possibly know

You both loved the same man and it is sad if you can't devolop a relationship.
Why can't she take him to the Olympics on her own?
She could also take him to Devon on her own-if you really don't want to go.

develop-sorry

Waterrat - I agree with what you are saying to an extent - she's not asking too much - she only wants a day next summer for the olympics. It's more to do with the fact that she wants a day next summer, a holiday this year, easter this year, (probably xmas), and then I assume - another holiday next year.

How many MN would be having that many holidays with their MIL without their husbands there? I do love her, and to a great extent I pity her. She has nothing in her life apart from DS and BIL and she wants to revolve her life around them. She can't force BIL to spend time with her, and (I feel) she guilts me into spending time with her.

But I don't know if she is actually guilting me or whether it's just my view of her. Also, I don't think she realises how her demands make me feel (and they are demands a lot of the time - not questions/invitations).

Gah. It is so hard to deal with her - she is the queen of the sulk too. DH nearly uninvited her from our wedding (the one we were planning, not the one we ended up with at the hospital) due to her demands. He was so good at dealing with her - and telling her when she had overstepped the boundaries. No-one has stepped into that void since he died. So she rides rough over everyone and everyone writes it off as 'grieving'. But she did it before DH even got sick.

But anyway, I'm waffling. She's not doing this in this instance. I get the feeling though if I giver her an inch, she'll take a mile and expect every easter/summer/xmas to be with us. I couldn't deal with that in the long term.

Totally fair enough imo.

I can see the problem-but it is easily dealt with-take DC on her own.

If she's not up to having DS for a whole day/"outing" alone, could BIL help her out?

I suppose BIL could help (and DS does love his Uncle) - I just feel bad that he gets no say in the matter - If she wants to have DS, BIL would have to come along - MIL definitely isn't fit enough to cope with a 2.9 year old by herself.

you are not saying no to everything. you are going to see her at Easter.

I would be tempted to accept the olympics one. she might not win in the ballot anyway and it is a short visit. and it would be something for ds to remember, and he might just remember it.

you need to have a relationship with her for the sake of ds, but I can't see why that would mean you have to be best buddies. and she seems to be crowding you. you do an awful lot with her and ds, a lot more than a lot of people do, and you haven't got dh to dilute her a bit so I can see that it is getting very intense.

goodness knows what she is going to be like when/if you are ready to meet up with someone else in a few years time, which is possible even if you don't feel like that now.

I can't believe the number of posters who seemed to think that you were cutting her out of ds's life when you are doing a lot with her already. nor can i believe that her grieving process of meeting every single last one of your and dh's friends overrides (sp?) your need to establish a new normality.

Well, I've decided that if she wants to have DS on holidays, she can. But I'm going to suggest she does it at her house so that she has family and friends nearby (and to reduce disruption to DS). To get her to agree to this, I'm going to suggest that she could take DS to DH's old school trips - eg Bristol Zoo, Aboretum (sp?), etc ect.

If she can't cope, then this will show her, but she will have friends and family to help out. If she can cope (and I hope to god she can and I'm just being PFB!) then she can have him for holidays in the future.

She will hopefully be better at coping with a 4+ year old than a little toddler too?

OP, I'm wondering if there is a compromise about the Olympics, depending on where you live. There will be cycling going on outside of London, for free, where the actual sporting element will be minimal and the towns and villages involved will be making a huge effort to put on a show. And it's free. DS gets to wave a flag, see the Olympics and MIL is happy, box ticked. It's what we are planning to do with our DD who will also be 4 at the time.

say you want to o to the openin ceremony?

Hm, sounds like you have got some good ideas for coping with this. In the end, she isn't evil, and reading your posts I wondered if the fear is greater than the actual situation ie. you are working yourself up with anxiety about her which is making it worse than it needs to be.

I do totally understand why, after all, as you say she's not someone you would want to spend time with normally - but lots of family members are like that.

ANother thought is - as you are doing now - take control of the situation, write yourself a list of ways in which you would be happy to see her/ give her DS - then take charge, speak to her, arrange things - then you aren't constantly worrying that she is going to suggest something you dont want to do.

That way you will also be able to say no guilt free when she does suggest other things - so you wont be feeling constantly anxious.

Seeing a counsellor as others have said might help you decide what relationship you would like.

Its interesting you say guilt trip - obviously there is a fine line between someone deliberately playing something up - and it being our own guilt because we know we have hurt them.

I think if you accept she is in your life and if you take charge it can be on your terms, but she gets to be the granny she wants to be, it can work out.

MrsBloomingtroll - I actually work at one of the locations where one of the events is scheduled to begin and end (much to my annoyance as it will make my commute a nightmare ) so MIL could easily come up and watch it with DS and BIL. I'll suggest it to her as a compromise. Thanks!