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Original poster

Seriously considering divorce - please help

42 replies

Irishchic · 17/03/2011 17:53

It is my dh's birthday today. He has been gone since lunchtime to the races with his dad and brothers leaving me to look after our young children. When he arrives home around 8 or 9, he will then head out again to meet a group of guys he meets every thursday night for drinks. He is also being taken out by his mum dad brothers and me and my SIL tomorrow night. Then on sat, he is spending sat afternoon, evening and night with his thursday night pint friends, when they watch the Ireland England Rugby match and then go for dinner and drinks, dont exoect he will be home before 1 or 2am.

Our marriage has been in crisis on and off for a few years now. Drinking binges have done some damage, but he has largely curbed this, but still is very selfish about his social life, and never ever compromises on what he does.

I asked if he would consider not going out tonight and just stay in with me and watch a movie or have a drink and chat, becuase I feel that we need to start building closeness again, in the hope of saving our marriage and regaining our love.

He got really irritable about it. Said that I was so unreasonable to try and stop him from his weekly routine and said that he didnt want to stay in and watch a film, and that if he did stay in "what would we do?" and "what is the point?"

I replied that our marriage was in trouble, that I felt very unhappy, very taken for granted, and that even when he was at home, he acted like I wasnt there, and wasnt very nice to me, that we were like strangers living in the same house, and that I didnt want this, I wanted us to be friends and hopefully lovers again.

He dismissed this too, and more or less said that there was no point, that we were not in a good place and that there was no point in trying to change anything.

I am so upset and exhausted. I have done the counselling route, read the self help books, have tried so so hard to be reasonable about his social life and need to be out and about all the time, and feel i get nothing back in return, just huge resentment whenever I try and get my needs met in any way.

This has been going on for years now really, and I am really starting to feel now that divorce is the only option for us becuase I cannot live the rest of my life like this, with someone who does not compromise, seems to resent me and views me as this negative influence on his life.

I dearly love my children and would hate to disrupt their world, and I know that divorce would throw up a whole fresh set of problems but I am so desperately unhappy I feel I am coming to the end of my tether.

He is not going to change is he?

I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I never expected perfection in my marriage, but I did think that my dh would at least want to spend some of his time with me, and would always treat me with respect and kindness. This is not the case at all.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 17:57

How long has he been this self obsessed? Shock

And why the huge full about his birthday? Is it his 40th?

I ceratainly wouldn't be taking him out tomorrow wiht the inlaws if this was the way he treated me. He doesn't want to be with his wife on his birthday. Says it all.

perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 17:57

Blush fuss, not full.

Rannaldini · 17/03/2011 17:58

I don't know if he is going to change

I do know that you need to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you and for what you expect in a marriage

You need to feel confident enough to express your needs
You also need to feel strong enough to listen to what your husband has to say to you in return

Enmding a marriage isn't the end of the world but nor is being unhappy
I hope you can work something out

Aislingorla · 17/03/2011 18:01

Was he always like this or did he change? Because he sounds like a very selfish person. Sadly, if he is not prepared to work at your relationship then it's over and he needs to know that you are serious about that.

babyapplejack · 17/03/2011 18:04

Is it possible that there's an OW on the scene?

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:05

perfumedlife- he has always been a bit selfish but it has racked up as he got older. Today he is 42, so not sure why the big fuss really, except that 2 of his brothers live in london and he only sees them every couple of months so they are making the most of his being home.

I wish that I could give tomorrow night a miss. There will be his mum and dad (who are lovely) 2 bothers (single) and another brother and his wife.. all lovely people, who would be shocked and puzzled if I did not turn up, so I probably will, but I will be just putting on a happy face for the night.

Rannaldini - After 3 separate bouts of counselling I have very clearly stated my needs, as he has too, but the problem is he makes noeffort to meet my needs and yet I seem to be expected to make every effort to meet his, and when i explain this to him, he becomes very resentful and belligerent, and punishes me by sulking and then doing what he wanted to do all along.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 17/03/2011 18:06

no,sadly i dont think he will change

was his dad like this? he seems to see it as he's entitled

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 18:07

What sort of things do YOU do away from him for your own social life? Do you have friends you go to dinner with, girlie weekends away, time to yourself while your childrens father does some of the lone childcare?

That is the key to balance a lot of the time. If you are stuck at home all the time, while he is the one out doing his own thing, then no, it isnt fair, and its understandable that it pisses you off.

So sometimes, if that can be evened out, you can have a more equal relationship. People dont have to live in each others pockets all the time, providing you both trust each other, and that doesnt seem to be an issue in your post at all. He just seems to like spending time with his friends, doing what he enjoys. That in itself shouldnt be a problem so long as you are able to do the same. It doesnt need to mean separate lives.

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:10

I am fairly sure, as sure as one can be anyhow, that there is no OW on the scene. We lie in a small town, his office is 5 minutes away, I pretty much know his whereabouts most of the time, but I suppose where there is a will there is a way, but I really dont think so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:14

Squeakytoy - I do get out with my friends, and away from time to time, no complaints on that front, but the way is are is not healthy. He has NO interest in going out with me, can hardly spend an evening in the house and when he IS at home, goes in to a different room and never sits with me. When he is in the some room he wont let me relax, telling me my chair is too far forward, or saying my shoes are interrupting his view or some other nonsense, and worst of all when i try and chat with him and just generally catch up, he keeps on reading the paper or watchiing the tv, and hardly looks at me let alone replies.

OP posts:
Mumfun · 17/03/2011 18:14

Unfortunately a lot of Irish men culture in the UK seems to be about going out with men without wives and leaving wives at home. And never reciprocating by letting the wives go. Going to the rugby, the races, the pub, lots of sports.

Very busy will come back tomorrow. I feel for you!

Mumfun · 17/03/2011 18:15

x post - that is not good Irishchic - thats very sad and you dont deserve that!

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:16

ilovetiffany - no his dad is a lovely man, very traditional yes, a bit sexist in the way that men of that generation are, but at the same time always put his wife first, and just didnt go in for the whole lads/pub culture.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 18:18

I take it from your name that you are Irish?, so I suppose having a birthday on St Patricks day is a double excuse for him to be celebrating today, and its also a very big day in horseracing too, the rugby on saturday is a Very Important Game, or so I am told.. it is banned in this house as I hate rugby, so I am quite happy when my husband goes off with his mates to watch it in the pub. By this though I am just assuming that he is a big sports fan, like my husband is, and perhaps you, like me, are not that bothered with sport. Unfortunately, the majority of spectator sport seems to be better enjoyed in the pub with a pint.

Mumfun · 17/03/2011 18:18

Im biased as the same thing happened to me and my H had another OW -completely unexpected.

So Im sorry but I would suspect another woman - as the saying goes either in his head or in his bed.

I am sorry to say that as I know it hurts.

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:19

Mumfun - thanks. I know the whole lad culture thing, I am irish and grew up with it!! But most other guys I know love to get out to the pub or races, but at least see that they have to spend a bit of time with their wives even doing things they might not want to do, because they are prepared to compromise.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 18:19

Sorry x-posted.

In that case, he is an arse, and an ignorant one at that!

Doha · 17/03/2011 18:20

I think l would be tempted NOT to go tomorrow night. Perhaps he would then realise you are seriously unhappy.
Then he would have to make excuses to him mum and dad.

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 18:22

I would disagree Doha, I would go, and make sure I had a great time with all the others at the meal, and ignore him for the evening!

perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 18:23

God what a lonely life you have. Nothing worse than having someone there and being alone at the same time.

I really don't care for his attitude that there's 'no point' trying to change things, they are just the way they are. He doesn't seem to care a jot that you asked for help in rebuilding the closeness.

Earlier I was thinking this sounded a little like my mothers moans over the years, dad was always golfing, working, at the races, she was doing it all alone. And yet, when he suggested things, she didn't fancy them, was a homebody and 'her family were all she needed'. We used to say, thats all well and good mum, if that's what you want, but if he wants more of a social life, you can't stop him.

As it is, they are both retired now, and have found their way. But, we did tire of the same old moans. She never did change him.

However, your dh knows this is making you unhappy and he doesn't care, he is very careless of your feelings. Did he go to the counselling with you op?

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:25

MUMfun - cross posted there, anything is possible, but our social circle is so small, when he says he is with the lads in the pub, I know that he is, as I know their wives, and it would all filter back anyway, so its possible, but i doubt it.

Squeaky-yes, i do get the whole sports thing too, but for the sake of all we have been going through I just wanted him to forsake a couple of hours in the pub tonight to be with me, as he is spending most of saturday and night with the same bunch of guys anyway, and he is not going to miss out on anything tonight, it seems no matter what I want, its too much and I am expecting too much of him.

He also basically said that in going out tonight he would then be in better from and be better company to me tomorrow night, which sounds kind of like blackmail in a way, because he is saying that if he doesnt get out tonght he will be in shitty form with me tomorrow and it will be all my fault.

OP posts:
castlesintheair · 17/03/2011 18:28

He sound's like a bit of a bully to me Irishchic.

Does he have a drinking problem?

Has he been to counselling with you, or did you go alone? Would it be worth suggesting that you go, again?

You have to consider yourself in this, and your children, because sadly it doesn't sound like he is.

Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:33

Perfumedlife - I feel horribly lonely with him.

He did indeed go to counselling with me, but it was all fairly unsatisfactory, as he twisted a lot of stuff in counsellink. He made out that I had become very reclusive and did not want him having a social life, and yet at that point in time we were going out at least once or twice a month with friends or to dinner and to a few black tie dos a year, plus he was also going out every week to the pub, and playing golf once a week, so hardly the life of a recluse.

He has this way of twisting things, exagerrating stuff, and the counsellor never challenged him in this even when I got very upset in the sessions that he was doing this, i dont know, anyway, they never worked, and we tried 3 separate bouts of it. He would make an effort for a while but then would start to get nasty and belligerent again whenever I tried to assert myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishchic · 17/03/2011 18:33

Have to do betime now but will check back in later, thanks all.

OP posts:
FourFortyFour · 17/03/2011 18:36

Clearly he isn't bothered about how you feel and doesn't feel he needs to do anything so you have to be the one to make the changes and decisions. You have to tell them that you want XYZ and if he doesn't do it the consequences will be ABC. Otherwise he won't change as he sees no reason too. He is fine as things are.