Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

getting married for cash

35 replies

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 12:39

Been together with dp for fifteen years have had dcs, never married, neither of us are religious and have never really been into the whole big day thing, also permanently broke, never completely ruled it out but never important. We are emigrating soon, and in the new country if we are married we will receive an extra £300 per month if we are married, (Can share tax allowances)if i am not working, which seems likely, at least for a while. So thinking of not telling anyone, and just nipping off to the registry office on our own one day, while dcs are in nursery, (no babysitters) zero cash for big party or even small do, dress etc. Dp suggested it, told him thanks for bowling me over with romance, but now when i think about it, it would sort a lot of legal issues out, not leave a mess if either of us died etc. Anybody done this? regretted it? We have young children so exhausted and generally not 100% in love either...what would you do? sorry long post

OP posts:

emmybooboo · 16/03/2011 12:45

Wow sounds like your marriage will last the course then .

Marriage does give lots of rights yes and does make the legalitites easier, incase of death or split.

However if you come back, or whatever, it makes it a lot harder and costly to get out of.

Plus it does not gte a huge divorce settlement.

Why are you emigrating if the love has gone?

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 12:48

love not totally gone, (do i sound completely dispassionate too?) just submerged under the daily grind I think, emigrating may be not quite the right word, more like returning home after long time away.

OP posts:

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 16/03/2011 12:52

getting married for practical reasons often happens. we married to get my partner a spouse visa.

there might be advantages in your new country but there are some issues you should be aware of.

for example, if you buy a (single) property each as unmarried there will be no capital gains tax with selling either property. however if you do the same as a married couple on property will be counted as a second property and eligible for capital gains when you sell.

ItAlwaysPours · 16/03/2011 12:52

I know someone that did this - they needed to marry to live together for the place they were moving to. Their reasoning was that by having no family and friends at the event they weren't really getting married as a marriage is announcing to your family and friends that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. They still expect in the future to go through the main deal (even with him proposing again - she's even told him she will probably say no the first time to keep him on his toes). But if things aren't what they should be - maybe you should add a practical element to it and decide now what would happen if things didnt work out - both in terms of money and kids contact etc. (a pre-nup type thing) so you are both going in with your eyes wide open.

And maybe if things do work out in the future you could say you expect the full works party for maybe 5 years marriage or something like that?!

Rhinestone · 16/03/2011 12:56

That sounds impossibly romantic, marrying for money whilst not in love. Go for it!

Almost as romantic as Smashing marrying for a spouse visa! (By the way, that's illegal.)

Underachieving · 16/03/2011 12:58

Yes, I did similar. We were together about a year and he was a soldier. They posted him to a base 400 miles away and this was as Iraq was starting to kick off and we knew he'd soon be going to war. We got married because with a 400 mile gap and a war impending it was that or split up. Girfriends have pretty much no rights to be kept in the know about thier soldier either, so he could be lying injured in the army hospital in Birmingham longing for me to visit and I would have no idea. We got married, effectively for the Married Quarter (the house). I wore a £120 dress and my then 4 year old wore a £60 dress both from Debenhams. Mine was red, hers was blue and we both used them again as party frocks. He wore a suit he already had (not uniform), 2 random strangers acted as witnesses and the 3 or us went to Pizza Hut for dinner afterwards in our posh frocks. Job done.

I divorced him after 3 years, but I have never regretted marrying him. I even still use my married name. It was the right thing to do, that relationship was not ready to come to an end and so it was worth any risk.

For you I wouldn't even say there's a risk involved, you know what he's like after 15 years. I would say do include the kids though, even if you just do what we did and get the certificate then go for a cheap meal. Also do change your status on formal records (like your bank account, the dr etc)- this wont cost you anything and saves a lot of bother later.

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:02

Thanks ItAlwaysPours, that is more what I am wondering about, if people regret skipping the romance etc. and just doing it for practical purposes, and maybe not at the height of their love. We have been together fifteen years, so had our rocky moments and always got through, if we could we would probably have a party of some kind, could never see us doing it full on wedding style. I do have my eyes open.

Thanks smashingnarcissistsmirrors already own a property together so have looked at those issues too.

OP posts:

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:09

Thanks Underachieving,
Good idea about including dcs.Hope life is good with you now.

OP posts:

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:12

Rhinestone don't think what smashing did was illegal, she was in a relationship, she just fast forwarded to the marriage bit because she had to, to maintain that relationship, nothing terrible in that surely?

OP posts:

BristolJim · 16/03/2011 13:15

We're not married after 11 years but for £3,600 per year, we would be.

ItAlwaysPours · 16/03/2011 13:22

Yeah sorry - added the more cynical bit as I was typing before you clarified the not 100% love bit - and despite the fact I thought after 15 years i'm not surprised you have the odd not 100% in love all the time - I tend to go to the cynical (dark) side :)

The only major issue that my friends encountered when they did that was the disappointment from the family (esp parents) at not being involved - although they came round in the end there was a general feeling of "why couldnt we be included". So don't forget the camera...and expect lots of "when can we have a party" comments :-)

Good luck with whatever you decide

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:28

thanks ItAlwaysPours, cynical too, hence abstaining from the whole thing for fifteen long years, thinking of keeping it totally secret, they will only find out if we die, can still pretend to be non conformist

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 16/03/2011 13:30

I think its a perfectly logical decision after so long.

A phrase I love is "Some people want to get married. Some just want a big wedding."

Personally I think you fall into the get married camp rather than the big wedding camp.

Go for it.

spidookly · 16/03/2011 13:33

"Almost as romantic as Smashing marrying for a spouse visa! (By the way, that's illegal.)"

Don't be so stupid. It's not illegal to marry your partner to get them a spouse visa.

lilo

I think you need to work on the "not in love" bit of your relationship before you uproot your young family.

If the love is still there somewhere and could be rekindled, then rekindle it before making long-term decisions (relocation, marriage) that will affect all of you.

Rhinestone · 16/03/2011 13:37

Oh, I think I misread that, sorry! Thought it was a full on sham marriage.

spidookly · 16/03/2011 13:38

I was wondering!

Rhinestone · 16/03/2011 13:39

BigChiefOrganiser · 16/03/2011 13:40

I think it is a sensible thing to do. It benefits your family financially and ties up all the legal side of things, as you say, making it easier in the event of death.

You needn't tell anyone else about it if you don't want them to make a fuss, pressure you for a party, make you feel bad they weren't included. You're doing this for you and your children, the best reason IMO.

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:41

niceguy2, good phrase, have seen the just for the big day thing a fair few times, not pretty.

spidookly, you are probably right how to do though?

OP posts:

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 13:42

Rhinestone

OP posts:

BiscuitEmoticon · 16/03/2011 13:44

I have friends who did this, because she was not the "big wedding" sort, wasn't too bothered about marrying, but he wanted to be, and with child on way his pension would only pay out to married spouse, so they did it one lunch-hour, with 2 colleagues as witnesses, and a pint afterwards, no photos. They've never regretted, their families know what they're like and didn't seem to be annoyed.

And to be fair, afterwards, she seemed to be immensely pleased to be married, so the not bothered wasn't the whole story!

They're 14 years on now.

I think having pizza with your kids sounds great, and some photos, even if just to show how unfancy your day was!

Wamster · 16/03/2011 13:58

Get married. And don't let anybody tell you you're wrong. The whole point of marriage is its a legal/financial thing anyway.

skorpion · 16/03/2011 14:08

We got married in a very low key way and without much preparation. Also, very young and because I couldn't stay in the UK without it. That was 13 years ago and still going srong. Our view was that we wanted to be together and marriage facilitated it at that time. Sometimes we think that ideally we would have had a bit more to spend on the wedding and had all our friends there but generally it doesn't matter.

If your relationship is it for good, which it seems to be regardless of the present situation (going through a bit of the same with 15mo DD and another on the way so can sympathise), it can only be a good idea.

Good luck :)

Original poster

lilo544 · 16/03/2011 14:08

Biscuitemoticon nice story, at the not bothered bit.
wamster are you my dp? but would be my feeling too,

thanks BigChiefOrganiser

OP posts:

RossettiConfetti · 16/03/2011 14:19

It sounds like a sensible plan to me. Good luck to you.

I second Wamster that the primary and longest-standing reason for marriage is the legal and financial benefits.

Flip

1 2