Can it be ok to just say enough is enough?

[NorthernerAtHeart]

I've posted a bit on the Diary of a Separation thread, and also a while back here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1150861-Time-without-kids-relationship-going-wrong-worried

Relationship not good - no violence or abuse, just lots of arguing, ignoring etc. Together for 8 years, 3 kids.

We had a rubbish weekend 10 days ago. DH home early and feeding the kids, I got home at 5 to come and help and he really resented it (normally get home between 5 and 5.30). Ignored me most of the evening, swept the issue under the carpet, but the stirring the next day, ignoring during the evening, sunday I was pretty fed up and by the evening again silence and ignoring, so I asked him why he wanted to be with me. Silence in response, followed by 'that's a difficult question.' Great. More discussions, arguing, he told me I shouldn't have come on on the fri at which point I said I'd had enough and couldn't do this any more. Spent all day monday figuring out practicalities.

Since then he has turned himself into super husband - lots of cuddles, kisses and telling me how devoted he is and has always been to me, how much he loves me etcetc.

The trouble is that is just feel incredibly low and empty. Before, if he'd have done that I'd have got upset and said I love him too etc etc. I feel like he has suddenly stepped up a gear but that it is all too late. I have built up so many defences and feel very detached. I don't cry when he is about if I can avoid it, as it just gets ignored. He started complaining last night that he was getting nothing back for his efforts to fix things, and was going on and on about both of us turning over a new leaf. He also asked me if i just wanted him to disappear - i didn't reply, but it's pretty much at that point.

We have booked councelling but I'm not sure how that can work when I feel so completely detached anyway.

I'm not sure what reponses I'm hoping for, but any comments would be appreciated.

Can I just say I don't want to continue? It seems wrong without their being a major event to be the reason. What if it's the wrong thing to do?

I need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do and hold my hand!!!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!

I think part of the problem is that if they were obviously 'abusive' you'd know what to do. As it was it feels really selfish to say I left because I wasn't appreciated/loved but essentially that was it really. I prioritised my needs over the needs of my children and that does make me feel very selfish.

Ultimately, I looked at the options and knew that if I let this carry on then the situation between me and xh would become 'toxic' and any hopes of a (fairly) amicable separation would disappear.

It wasn't an easy decision though. It was the only 12 month gap in 9 years when I didn't have a child getting ready for entrance exams, changing school and going through first year of high school, gcse years or 'A' level years (had one y8 and one y9) so that may give you an idea of how long it took me and the consideration I gave it.

Being separated from my children is hard, very hard. It gives a slighty warped view as there is a child intensive week and a 'me' week, so I never socialise when I have the children (and they're now old enough to be left on their own), and in some ways it's hard on the children because they don't have a 'main' home, but two equal ones. It was the only way that we could get equal time though, and they benefit from that. There's always a compromise, as there would have been if we'd stayed together 'for the children'

Am happy to talk off-line if you want. Every situation is different and I can only tell you mine though.

It's difficult isn't it?

For me, I don't think H is abusive. But the way he has behaved has been as hurtful (I certainly have recognized myself in a lot of the 'abuse threads' on here). But because he isn't abusive, there is always this idea that perhaps he might change, I might change and we will be living happy ever after.
It's strange because, for me, I am more worried atm of the effect of staying on the dcs rather than the effect of leaving. H puts them down so much, esp dc1, that it breaks my heart (and theirs).
Is it really that selfish to want to leave a relationship that makes you unhappy, where there is no love? I keep reading threads about abusive childhood, toxic parents etc... The one thing I have taken out from that is that when parents are unhappy children know about it and as adults, they are not thanking their parents to have stayed together.

I agree about the situations not being obviously abusive. If he had an affair I (believe I) would know what to do, if he was hurting any of us etc etc.
Reading what other women put up with makes me feel like I'm just whinging about minor stuff!!!!

It is still only the thought of being without the kids that is crippling me. He says he won't be awkward in relation to them if we split, but who knows. He left me a letter this morning begging me to give him 'one last chance'. Trouble is I did that last time and nothing much changed!!! That was his last chance, he knew it and he blew it completely. He thinks I should let him try, he loves me, wants to be with me etc etc etc. I feel empty. Such comments would have me in tears in the past, me wanting everything to be ok etc etc. I just don't know.

If we can both be happy separatly, then that must be better for the kids. I can't imagine them sleeping elsewhere though. I've done virtually everything for them since the moment they were born. DD not well and so I slept with her last night and have cuddled her for most of the day so far.

Have you ever been away for the day and left them with their dad?
I would concentrate on the fact that you will be able to do something for yourself. And therefore be more rested & relaxed which will be beneficial to your dcs too.
I agree though. What really hurts is thinking about Christmas. Everything else I can get my head around, but waking up on Christmas day and not seeing their faces as they open their presents.... Well I have decided to cross that bridge when I get there.

During this lat 2 days, H has been grumpy. I have been working late and he had to go and pick up the dcs at afterschool club and then take them to an after school activity each evening. Cue for him to be grumpy because, in effect, he had to look after his dcs on his own and to do things for them (but it wasn't his decision iyswim).
Unfortunatly for him, I have decided to leave him to it completely. He has been relying on me miles too much and I have made myself ill from trying to do everything before so... I have decided to stop.

Still very much up and down. I am questioning whether it is right to wait until dc1 birthday to bring up everything.

That must be pretty hard when it's not out in the open. Does he have any idea about how your are feeling? If you talk to him before your DC birthday, will you be able to keep things smoothed over until the birthday? The trouble with waiting (and this is what I did last year and totally regret) is that then Xmas will be coming up, and you won't want to (potentially) ruin that for the kids, then something else and something else.................although I'm certainly not pushing you to say something!!!

Time away from the kids has been minimal. 4 nights away with friends in 7 years.......a few more day times, but could count them on 2 hands. When the kids were younger he would always ask if I was taking the kids with me too (in such a way that was telling me I was). When I'm feeling positive, time to myself would be a pro, when I'm not, time to myself away from the kids is a nightmare senario. I teach, so have lots of work to do at home. It would mean less juggling of that too.

He is trying to be very nice at the moment, which is putting the fear of god in to me! He bought me a book yesterday. For absolutely no reason. Something I would actually like to read. It's not my birthday. Sent an email saying he loved me and hoped I got to enjoy the sunshine today. Looked for places for us to go at half term that would actually be within a sensible budget and not make me panic about how expensive it would be. Things the kids would like to do too that would be easy and therefore relaxing. He admitted his behaviour is often due to arogance and he really should listen to what I think and feel and not rubbish it.

I think I don't want to waste more time. I'm 36 soon. I don't want to find myself the other side of 40 in this same situation. Probably unlikely, but I could meet someone else who could treat me how I'd like to be treated.

DH could morph into the perfect husband, but there is so much history, resentment and a lack of trust that I'm not sure if it could ever be properly right. I don't feel relaxed in bed from critisisms about tiredness/sex/lack of sex.....

Phone ringing.....

Hummm yes. I can see where you are coming from. You are so used to be with them all the time that it's hard to see it being any other way. But then having tiem on your own means that you will be able to rediscover parts of yurself that you must have forgotten.

I agree with you about being nice being actually more difficult to deal with! I know it's making me reassess everything again and wondering if it's not all in my head and if I am not asking too much.
That's why I am decided that the one reason why I will leave is because I don't love him anymore. That's it. (And then the reasons why I don't love him anymore are the crap attitudes/behaviors) That way there isn't anything to save anymore. No amount of trying won't change that because it's such a deep feeling.

H not making any effort these last few days. I think it is slowly sinking in (even though nothing is ever said ). So he is on his own in the kitchen doing sudoku he has never done before whilst I am in the living room. Back to where we were a year ago, except that it used to hurt me. And I was trying to bring him out of his shell. Now I don't acre anymore.

Hiya Cactus. How is it going?
We've had another councelling session and I am left feeling like a heartless cow!! He is saying how much he wants to try and make things work still and i just don't care. Well I obviously care, I've been in floods of tears, but just don't want it.
I've been re-checking finances/tax credits etc and the picture is better than I thought. I've even google solicitors this week - still not sure whether to go there yet.
With the solicitor - what info did you need to take and what was achieved? I don't know how it all works!! Does it make a difference if it's separating rather than divorcing in the first instance?
I really need some space. How unreasonable is it to suggest he moves out to give me some proper head space? He doesn't get the concept - talked yesterday about giving me lots of space and in the same sentence was trying to get me to book a holiday for next summer and saying he wants to do as much together as possible. It all makes me want to run for the hills!!!
How long to go until your DCs birthday?
My youngest turns 2 in 2 weeks time.

Northerner, I don't think it is possible for both partners to move away from a relationship at the same time. One is bound to do it quicker than the other and that means one is ready to leave when the other still has hopes & wants to work at it. I think it's part of the process. It's normal and doesn't mean you shouldn't leave if you want to.
Have you explained in counselling how you felt, that you do not want to try again because you've already tried enough?
I think you need to be evry clear about how you feel towards him. He obvioulsy doesn't want to understand and counselling would be a good place to get it all out in the open.

Re the sollicitor, I've been to the first 30min free meeting. I ensure I knew exactely what was our assets (savings, house etc...) and debts (morgage, loans etc...). Then it was really more about her explaining me what would be the different steps than anything else. The sollicitor will be able to explain about separation vs divorce.

I am actually quite calm. dcs birthday is in the next few days. And deep down I know now I am doing the right thing.
I've had acupuncture recently for anxiety and I think it helped me a lot. I don't seem to have this sense of dread & panick. Hopefully it will be still the case in a week or two.
I do know what you mean about wanting to run for the hills. You (and I) just don't want to be there anymore. The same for me now when he is giving me a kiss. I am finding it actually unpleasant. All part of the process.