Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

sex makes me feel dirty

48 replies

tania70 · 16/03/2011 10:33

im new to this, a friend reccommended it to me, and so far its taken me about 45 minutes to figure out how to go about it all.

heres my "problem"

me and my partner have a 16 month old beautiful girl, and before her wonderful arrival we always shared a very passionate exciting, adventerous sex life.
but ever since the birth of my child i cannot face sex, i enjoy making love and cuddling, kissing and being closely intimate, but when my partner suggests some of the things we used to enjoy i.e (sorry if this is too crude) role play, dressing up, anal, toys etc etc, i feel sick to my stomach.
i feel so terrible about it that even when he suggests it or sends me little texts about it, i cant delete the filth off my phone quick enough.
what is it? is this a normal part of having children? i want to get back what we once had but i either have to be ridiculously drunk to do it, or do it to keep him happy.
we constantly argue over it, im forever in tears over it, and i just dont understand why ive changed so much.
i wish i knew why sex seems repulsing to me now, i feel bad about doing it, because im a mum. does that make sense?
i still fancy my partner and love him to bits but i just dont want to feel like his little whore! and i dont want to argue over it anymore.
worst still, my fears of him straying to find a more adventerous lover terrifys me.
perhaps this is a phase wll woman go through? but 16 months of the same thing is starting to make me doubt its any kind of phase.
thanks for reading

OP posts:

Original poster

tania70 · 16/03/2011 10:38

i did post this in the section "am i being unreasonable" but was told to try posting in this section also

OP posts:

JessicaDrew · 16/03/2011 10:48

is he a resonable type guy you can sit down and explain your present feeling too
if he is you must do this. telling him you want the kinky games to return, but can't get your head round it at present may help him reduce his pressure on you.
Perhaps in time when daughter is old enough for a sleep over at grand parents you will be able to have a weekend away and perhaps act like you used too
hope this helps

giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/03/2011 10:56

Have seen your other post and think you need to add more info here like you did on the other one.

To be honest, some of the issues seem to stem from the pressure and 'attitude' your DH is giving you about the more naughty sex. This will definately cause problems as it will have you doing things just to please him/ cause you think he will stray - you WILL end up resenting this if it continues.

It sounds like honest heart to heart time I think. If you DH is a reasonable man/ not too hard to talk to, I would try to explain to him how it makes you feel - at a more nutral time rather than when he has made moves/ asked for sex in a particular way. Sit him down and say that while you want to it all feels a bit wierd. Also maybe ask him if he has any suggestions about how you n=can BOTH tackle these issues.

COuples counselling might help?

Also - just to reassure I don't think this is that uncommon and that many couples have bedroom issues of one kind or another in a childs early years!

Original poster

tania70 · 16/03/2011 10:56

thanks jessica, i can talk to him yes, and when i we do talk, it helps to take the pressure off.. until that is we go to bed and he gets frustrated with me again. i dont think hes intentionally trying to hurt me, and i cant understand his frustration.
my daughter often spends time at my mums, and stays over maybe every 3rd saturday night, and in that time we have a few drinks in the house and a good gab, but the whole time he is suggesting sex, and i just want to enjoy spending some time with my feet up!
ill put if off as long as possible

OP posts:

Original poster

tania70 · 16/03/2011 10:58

thanks, id actually thought of counselling but i think the thought would horrify him. i think i need to be a little harsher on the subject with him and really let it all out. best time is maybe when toots is just down for the night and we have dinner. thanks for your imput girls x

OP posts:

giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/03/2011 11:06

Also - in my experience the going on about sex all the time (like you have said he does when you have some down time) can be very very difficult and make things worse.

It's like when a child is whining about something he/she wants but can't have. It either wears you down and you give in but hate yourself for doing so, or it just grates and makes you more steadfast in your refusal.

You should talk to your DH about this too. Be honest that the pressure isn't helping. Say to him that you want to have cuddles, kissing etc without worrying about him misinterpreting and/or pushing for sex.

In my experience you do have to keep up with the intimate stuff, kissing, cuddling, anything you feel comfortable with becuase withdrawing completely can make the other party feel completely unwanted/ unloved/ abandoned and you don't want that - you just want the pressure off and need to explain it.

Most people I know - myself included - just needed a bit of time without the pressure to get your head round things and feel normal again and slowsly things returned to normal.

JessicaDrew · 16/03/2011 11:06

ok no probs, maybe when your alone at home when daughter is napping, you could get your dressing up stuff out and try it on again, maybe it will make you feel more into that thing again, and then you can have special nights every 3rd Saturday, but only when you relit your spark!

Original poster

tania70 · 16/03/2011 11:12

a lot of great advice girls thanks very much, i could go on and on about it all, and its actually helped already just to talk about it (type about it) i appreciate what you have said.
going to have a good chat tonight i think. just getting round to bringin up the conversation..
"hey hun how was work? by the way i hate sex now"
ah

OP posts:

JessicaDrew · 16/03/2011 11:32

confused here, in your first post you say you enjoy making love? that is sex!
its adventurous sex thats you have gone off!
what is your aim to have him accept situation? (for now or forever) or to tell him it will never part of your life again
be careful how you tell chat with him, compromise on both parties is the best solution

giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/03/2011 11:39

tania - I don't think you 'hate sex now' and I don't think that you thinking that or approaching it in that way with DH will help (sorry if that was a jokey comment - sometimes difficult to interpret in written form)

You obviously have some mixed emotions about it at the moment - as you have pointed out in your first post you still want to be intimate in many ways.

It is very likely that all you need is as bit of time to get your hed round things and get more comfortable. Talking will help a lot - either with DH or a proffessional - another perspective will help enormously. But please don't convinvce yourself that you hate sex and will do forever - it;s not the case.

As I said previously, many people have these kind of issues in the first few years after giving birth. Don't let yourself think it is abnormal or a sign of how things will be in the long term. You will only end up escalating the situation.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 13:50

natz/tania...posting the same dilemma under different names in different sections with a different title is actually really confusing for people that are trying to help you

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 13:57

Natz posts using capitals for Me, Up and My, tania doesn't.

I'm too.

JessicaDrew · 16/03/2011 14:02

guess that the captial punishment she used to like

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 14:15

JD - you are in a fiesty mood today

JessicaDrew · 16/03/2011 14:18

its makes the day pass with a

dignified · 16/03/2011 17:11

Op im not sure why youve reposted and left out so much information. Your post now sounds like a problem with low libido after a baby which is why your being advised to dress up for him ect .

You say you wish you knew why sex is so repulsive to you now . I think thats obvious from your other thread .If you leave details out you will get the sort of responses you are getting now , which will serve to minimise the problem and make it not quite so serious.

Did you find it difficult to read the replys to your other thread ?

Dropdeadfred · 16/03/2011 17:17

i think sometimes trying to be a good, clean living respectable parent doing everyhing 'right' for your lile child and also being a downright dirty, filth-talking, sexy woman in the ebdroom are two roles that ar poles apart and hard to mainain both in the same 'skin'..i totally get that

sara1981 · 16/03/2011 18:58

i think the main key here is communication right? do you not feel like you can explain openly to him?
its sad if you dont feel like you can.
im confused, who is natz?

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 19:06

Ladies - the other two threads that tania/natz posted have been pulled.

I have reported this one again. Hairy knuckles and a lover of goats I believe. Don't waste your good advice.

sara1981 · 16/03/2011 19:10

lol, whats been happening!!

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 19:11

Just the same thread posted here under a different name and in AIBU..... same style etc.

sara1981 · 16/03/2011 19:14

well done you mouseface.

sara1981 · 16/03/2011 19:14

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 19:22

OOoooooohh, why thank you lovely.

sara1981 · 16/03/2011 19:26

yay!!! how do you spot these things? i never find any trolls, gulible perhaps?

Flip

1 2