it hurts so much

[da55]

he sexually,mentally and physically abused me but he is blaming me for the seperation,he calls me evil and life destroyier.last night our son wanted to say goodnight to him so i called him and he answered but didnt talk so i could her him with the new girlfriend and the kids having a laugh,he hanged up and i called back.he said what do you want?i gave the phone to my son to say goodnight and he said good night so quickly and said to me fuck off.
it hurts so much that i couldnt sleep last night.

didn't want to leave this unanswered.

For him it's all about controlling the situation.

(((hugs)))

Well done for getting strong.

If you stayed with him you would have destroyed your life and the lives of your children.

He is obviously angry with you for having dared to end the relationship.

It will get better.

Could you access counselling / courses near you via the domestic abuse line?

Of course it's not fair, but it doesn't matter who he blames. If he were a reasonable person he wouldn't have treated you so badly in the first place, would he? The only thing that's rather sad is that the new girlfriend believes him that you were horrible to a lovely man. She will no doubt get sucked in and spat out in due course. You know the truth, and that you were totally right to separate. Whether he forgives you for refusing to put up with all that any longer is his problem!

So sorry for your son in the middle of it though. Hold on tight to the thought that he won't have that horrible, horrible example in front of him for the rest of his childhood. And pray the new gf sees sense before he f's up her kids as well.

thanks a lot,am feeling better with all your support.i hope she finds out how horrible he is soon.

How dispicable!
Thank God you and your DS are out of it da55 (although not completely as he's still being cruel and malicious and hurting you, but thank goodness it's via a telephone conversation and not face to face in the house).

I pity his new girlfriend and her DCs - they've got all of this destruction to come.

My blood is boiling that as you are trying to get your life on track he is still putting so much effort into playing mind games and trying to dictate that you be miserable.

Also that as one family breaks free from his abuse, another family is drawn in by his faux charm and wonderful personality.

To avoid this situation in future, if you are still happy for your DS to speak to his dad, could you condsider allowing your son to send a text to his dad requesting that his dad phones him and your DS answers, then you wouldn't have to speak to him?

I know he could send abusive texts but if he realises that his son is in charge of this whole process he might be less inclined to do so.

May I ask how long is it since you split up ...how long were you together ... and what was the time delay between you splitting up and him shacking up with his latest victim?

thanks Misfitless.since september and weve been together for 6yrs married for 4yrs.he started looking for another woman online as soon as he moved out.he was still sending me abusive messages,i had to get my solicitor to send a letter to him,he didnt stop and another has been sent.im so scared to read his test as that makes me feel realy realy low.i feel better if i do not hear frm him but then my son wants to see or speak to him.is hard

We went to the police about my DH ex texting and they were not abusive messages just constant.

The police will arrest him and interview him under caution. Then they may try to get you to aggree to just a caution. Don't. Press charges because it can take ages to come to court. And that gets to them because they can't controll that process. You might think you can lie to a judge but we've been in that situation and both judges saw straight through her.

Keep all texts and don't respond to any that are not about access times etc.

It will get better. He'll prob ask to get back with you soon enough.

We had a person like this in our family and even now he tries to come back, and yes he repeats the same pattern of behaviour with all his women.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

One thing, I know your DS wants to say goodnight, but how is the situation you have described going to be anything less than hurtful and damaging to your DS?

If I were you, I'd make excuses for a while, to give both YOU and your DS a bit of a breather from this negative and toxic force in your lives. You both need time to re-group and heal.

Once you feel stronger, then you can call him and let your DS talk to his dad, but on the condition that your X is kind, polite and positive.

Guessing that your DS is young, so perhaps say that daddy is travelling for a week or two, but that you will call him for DS when he's back.

You need to take back control of this situation, of your life and you need to be strong for you and for your DS, you can't do that with this malevolent force in your life.

really feel for you, have been there too. The language he used etc is probably for the benefit of his new gf, once she gets over the initial dizzy feelings for him she will realise what he's like and think back to the way he treated you and not like him for it, believe me.

well done for getting out of the relationship, it takes some guts, especially when there is DS involved. Your son will be fine, he has you :)

This man isn't your problem any more, he is that other poor womans problem, history has a habit of repeating itself for people like that.

I would take a step back, if he is a good dad then he once you stop contacting him he will realise how much he misses his son and hopefully you can sort out some kind of mutual consenting contact. I agree about telling your son he's away for a while to let things cool off a bit. Do you mind me asking how old your son is?

I was where you are 9 years ago, I now am happily married to the most wonderful man with two more little ones. The ex, I know for a fact is still messing around behind his poor gf's back. But, her problem now, she set me free of him, she can keep him!

All the best, we're here if you need to talk :)

thanks again.my son is 5 "blowmeaway".i had to contact child maintenance office as he doesnt pay anything for the children,when i ask he said i dnt have.today he sent me a test that am greedy and that he is not giving me a penny.i just cried and told him to keep his money i will do my best for the kids and when they grow up i will tell them.

Da ,take a big step back and contact a counsellor.u need to regain ur strength,self love and perspective after a relationship with an abuser.he is still controlling u with these types of conversation and new gf gives him the attention he needs to boost his ego.
Moneywise this is ur sons legal entitlement .just keep it businesslike .
I was still attracted to my X until very recently ,18 mth ago split,I had all sorts of mixed up feelings ,I forgave him loads to keep the marriage going.It's only recently he knows he no longer has any hold over me ,he still shouts at me down the phone though but I just end the conversation if he starts and mostly he just speaks to dcs .oh and its all my fault too LOL.when he first left someone said to me don't expect reasonable behaviour from someone incapable of giving it ,and its true.U chose to jump of the abusive rollercoaster ride that being in a relationship with this man was,always remember the gift of peace and happiness that u have given ur son.
Ur so brave and strong to start ur new journey.
Wishing u all the best x

thanks a lot

just going out with kids to take mind off things,is a lovely day tday

Have a nice time da 55 ,I love taking the dog and the kids out

I'm at a fancy dress party for 5 yos ,waiting for guinea pigs to arrive .

thanks again,had a good time with kids.

ive been able to speak to two friends about how i feel,it makes me feel better but my son wont leave me alone with his dad eventhough ive been making excuses.

i wish my son will stop asking for his dad one day,is just stressfull when he gets upset over his dad who doesnt want to know.

just when i am feeling better,he called yesterday and he didnt knw what to say:how are u?,how are the kids?,how is ur car??????????.his car has been taken by the finance company because he missed a payment,he may loose his job due to low attendance,he cant pay his rent and bills and gym fees.i was like why is he telling me all this.he has never been responsible for his actions so maybe this is my fault too.i just had to cut him short.

No they are never responsible for their actions, it's always someone elses fault,either that or he was doing the old 'feel sorry for me' trick in an attempt to draw out your emotions..

Well done at cutting him short there is only one reason you need to engage with him, and that's your DS, which you obviously know.

If you wobble i recommend WAs 'Freedom programme', although you sound pretty clued up to me.. There is another programme with WA called 'The Recovery Toolkit' which is a follow-on from the first, and focuses on us moving forward, rather then the XPs.

Keep strong x

thanks a lot.he called this morning asking me to pay a bill he has agreed to pay towards a washing machine because his mobile phone provider took all his wages and that he has nothing for food.he know i will feel sorry for him thats why he is telling me but why wont he leave me alone after what he put me tru.i do feelsorry for him but i didnt deserve the way he treated me.i am getn stronger and stronger.

Disengage da55. You really really need to to do that otherwise he will continue to abuse you from afar. His chaotic life is no longer your problem! Certainly don't give him any money. And get on to the CSA for some money from him for your DS.

Your son should be the only thing you discuss with him and make sure he knows that every time he tries to engage with you. Come up with a stock phrase every time he starts talking about something else. For example "can we keep the conversation about

thanks a lot. he called this morning to speak to his son who was eating breakfast and i heard him saying "ive only got bread and beans for the rest of the week and on and on and on,i didnt want to speak to him so just hanged up when they said bye bye to each other.the csa are helping with the maintenance frm him, he was meant to pay this week but he didnt will contact them again next week.

Bloody hell, what a pathetic twat .. whinging on at your DS like that!

Well done for hanging up, and not engaging.

Hope you get somewhere with the CSA, you never know..

Thank your lucky stars you are not with this dickhead anymore, you deserve so much better !

thanks