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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

called womans aid

38 replies

MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:39

I called womans aid today.

I dont really know what to do now.

If it was just me then it would be easy.

Just cant seem to think straight

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 13:40

whats happened??

ScarlettWalking · 15/03/2011 13:42

What did they say?

Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:44

H has bee violent again and it was worse this time.

He dosnt seem to be that sorry.

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 13:44

Ok. you have done the very best thing. What have they said?

Are you ok? are you safe?

Try and calm down and tell us what happened. You are not alone. There are many of us that have been in your situation and we will offer you all the support and help we can.

Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:46

They said that I could have a place in a refuge and gave me a local number to call but they wernt sure if tat (the local refuge) could take us as it might be to close to my current home.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 13:47

you can go there now,as an emergency measure,then move on

it will be ok.....have been there myself. they will look after you.

Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 13:49

That is right. They will usually want you to go to an out of area refuge so that there is less chance of him locating you.

Is he in the house now? Do you have your children with you?

Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:49

It was a couple of days ago (my birthday Sad )

We ha a row and he pushed me onto our bed and slapped me a few times in my face he pulled me off of the bed by my leggs and kicked my in the ribs.

The bruises feel worse today and I feel stiff.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:51

Hes at work now.

He is only violent when he is drunk so I feel scared but dont think that I'm indanger right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 13:55

Im scared to go to a refuge.

I have no money.
H has the cb paied into his account.

One of the DC is ill and has a really bad fever so cant really go anywhere right now.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 13:58

refuge have all the forms ready to be filled out....they will help get them sorted,cb back. you will get income support £67 a week plus tax credits....you will be fine. does he keep money from you?

dont be scared....i have made 2 good lifelong friends from my time in refuges.....it was actually good fun!

Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 14:04

Thankyou IloveTiff.

What is it really like in a refuge?

I just cant face anyone right now and the tought of a load of strangers is making me shudder

OP posts:
JustlurkingNOTposting · 15/03/2011 14:09

I was scared to go into a refuge too but it was great! Like ILoveTIFFANY I made a couple of good friends from my stay in there. I promise you, it will be far better than the life you are living now.
This is my thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

I had no money either but my support worker soon sorted that, she helped me to claim benefit and even came with me to sign the forms. I was helped and supported every step of the way. You have nothing at all to worry about Smile

You don't have to face anyone if you don't want to, you have your own room and you can keep yourself to yourself if that's what you want to do. I did just that for a while, until I got myself together, and then I started to mix with the other women. We actually had a really good time, it was so nice to live free of abuse and feel cared for. Both my DD and I learned to smile and laugh again while in Refuge, it was an experience I don't ever want to forget.

NicknameTaken · 15/03/2011 14:10

I went to a refuge for a while, and it was really fine. It was so lovely to close my bedroom door and know that nobody would burst in and start shouting/fighting. You sleep so much better! Met some nice people there too. A group of us got a bit obsessed with playing Scrabble in the evenings.

You'll definitely be able to get the CB paid to you instead, although it can take a little while to sort out.

GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 14:13

you get a big room....usually enough to contain you and the dc. lockable i recall. lots of space

shared facilities but all ok

do you have any forces connections?

Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 14:16

I spent 6 months at a refuge.
As Tiff says, you will be met by a refuge worker who will be fantastic. She will help you settle in. they will help you get the essentials you need.

Your benefits can be sorted out straight away and they will help you with what you can claim and how.

Refuges are all different. some are big old buildings some are purpose built.
You will have your own room. a but like a bedsit.

You don't have to socialise with the other women if you don't want to but it is usually quite comforting knowing that you dont have to explain anything as everyone knows what you have been through without you saying anything.

Why not give the local refuge a call and speak to someone there.
You don't need to go just now if you don't want to. They could arrange for an outreach worker to come and visit you whilst he is at work. help you build teh courage to leave.

Original poster
MyBubbles · 15/03/2011 14:22

The thing is,

Most of the time we (H & I) are fine. We get on well and are loving to oneanother.

Its just somtimes he turns into a drunk arse and ruins it all.

I want him to get help and sort it out but I know I cant make him.

We could be so happy but he keeps on doing it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 14:25

i have just had a family worker come out to see me. dd is 14 and gone off the rails this year. but they will try to help,referred by social services.

i'm still reeling to be honest,but she really thinks my dd problems manifest from being exposed to dv. she says they see it alot. not sure how true,but i guess i have to take her at her word.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 14:27

keep talking to womens aid
go t o GP and get your bruises recorded. please and tell the Gp what happened. Gp needs to know as well.

you cant live waiting for next time he gets drunk.

leave - then he has a chance to reform/get drinking sorted etc.

NicknameTaken · 15/03/2011 14:28

I know, mybubbles, it's the nice bits that are the killer, because they make it hard to leave the relationship. It's very, very hard to let go of the dream of being a happy family. But there comes a time when you have to take a deep breath and look at reality. As ILoveTIFFANY points out, for the sake of your dcs if not for yourself.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 14:29

i dont know tho ILT - my work colleague is the most straight forward hisband-wife no issues middle class 2.4 children home counties family you could imagine - but his daughter went off - the whole lot, drugs, left home with boyfriend etcetc....

few years later all fine...

i think yes childhood memories etc it can be part of it but it can also happen in "good" families too...

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/03/2011 14:31

Hope you don't mind me correcting your post MamazOn, you can get help and support from an outreach worker but you will have to meet her away from your home, they won't come to the place where the perpetrator is living. Outreach support is fantastic, well worth a call if only to offload and talk over your options.

Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 14:31

it is very very common. Children grow up learning that if you find it difficult to explain your emotions you lash out. They may not even realise that it is learned from their experience. they will normally become really defensive if it is suggested, as they hate whatthey saw and don't want to be like the perpetrator, but it is deep rooted psychology.
I hope the worker is able to help Tiff.

Bubbles - Whether it is only whilst drunk or not, you cannot allow him to continue abusing you this way. If you really don't want to leave then ask for an outreach worker to visit you. They will be able to discuss the possibility of getting your H some counselling for his anger issues.
If he is willing to look at what the causes of his anger are, and he must be willing to give up drinking in the mean time.

have you seen a Dr about your injuries?

Mouseface · 15/03/2011 14:31

They really aren't as bad as people think.

The one I was in with DD was in an old country manner type house.

Huge place. We had our own room, lockable cupboards in the kitchen, shared the bathrooms but it was always clean and well looked after. There was a lounge area that all the mums could use, nice big kitchen, more than one cooker etc....

They staff were absolutely amazing and took control of everything that I needed. I was so, so scared. My XP had controlled everything. Every single aspect of my life was controlled by him.

I left with nothing too. No money, a banger of a car that was fit for the scrap heap only just managed to get us there....

I was there for three months, out of the area too.

No-one can get in without buzzing. They had two locked double doors. You will be safe there. If H tries to find you or goes there, they have panic buttons fitted, direct to the nearest police station too.

The staff will help you 100%. They are lovely caring ladies who will do all that they can to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

Anything that the DCs need, a doctor, school uniforms, money for things, they can contact people who can help you to fund these things and a GP that can come there, rather than you having to take the DCs out.

They will apply for a house with you, show you what you are entitled to. Help you.

Every.

Step.

Of.

The.

Way.

BUT - You need to leave to be safe. xx

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/03/2011 14:35

Totally agree with cestlaviielife ILT, your troubles with DD could be simply typical teenage problems and nothing at all to do with the DV.