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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help; advice and support needed for difficult relationship with DH

48 replies

frazzledmum76 · 14/03/2011 12:48

Hi all, I could use some advice and support here. My husband and I have been married for 9 years with one DS (6). Some of the time we get on superbly well other times we seem to continually rub each other up the wrong way.

When we met he told me I was moody and emotional, untidy and very conventional, and that he was minimalist, and although angry about social matters (political things and injustice) a calm and rational person when it came to his personal life.
Recently I have found myself questioning this! From my perspective he is basically a moody mare, a bit of an old maid about certain things and he can sulk with the best of them. I'm not denying that I'm mercurial and emotional however and I'm sure that?s part of the problem.
My issue is though, that he seems to refuse to admit that he is also moody and emotional and he won't put any effort into changing his behaviours.

For example, he told me he disliked it when I cried, and that the reason he would go cold, not talk and pull away in a discussion or argument was because I was crying and he was trying to 'train' me not to cry.
I have told him over and over that I get upset easily but if he will give me a cuddle and just a bit of time out/ unconditional 'its OK' then I'm usually able to get over it MUCH faster.

It?s so difficult sometimes to live with him.
Yesterday I asked DS to come and practise his handwriting with me. This is something me and DH have talked about and agreed is important. We also agreed it was my job to handle DS homework and English as I am around more and I have a background in teaching.
So DS is a bit reluctant (like most 6 yr olds I guess) I say "come on pet, we do handwriting on a Sunday" DH decides to jump in and says "or any other day"
I say as calmly as I can "no darling we need to do it on Sundays"
DH: "or another day, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday...."
Me: "No, we do it on a Sunday" (through gritted teeth)
DH: "you interrupted me, how about Friday or Saturday"
By now Ds who has DH right next to him is looking very confused, I try and signal to DH that we need to stop this by saying, "well today is the day I have time to do this so let?s get on with it"
DH; "oh so it doesn?t have to be Sunday"

I finally get DS sat down and then try and pull DH away quietly and say "look, that upset me, you undermined me in front of DS, and we DO do this on Sundays"
DH: very sarcastically "oh I'm sorry I didn't realise that Sunday was the only possible day he could ever do handwriting"
Me: "I told you that"
DH; no you didn't"

You can imagine things didn't get a whole lot better from there on in!
What should I do? His moods impact on my day, he will just withdraw completely. I can't discuss anything with him because he immediately starts saying "you're always accusing me of things" or he gets very sarcastic and starts splitting hairs and picking holes in everything I say.

OP posts:
waterrat · 14/03/2011 12:52

god frazzled, that sounds absolutely tedious, no wonder you can't bear it. Would he go to joint counselling? COuld you get him when he is in a good mood and sit down and calmly discuss his moods with him?

Have they got worse recently? Could he be depressed about something?

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2011 12:55

i'm sorry?? he's told you he is trying to TRAIN you????

and you're still there??

perfumedlife · 14/03/2011 13:00

He's got you talking as daft as him, do you realise that?

When he said he was trying to 'train' you, why did you not throw his sorry ass out?

Original poster
frazzledmum76 · 14/03/2011 13:01

tiffany:
I dont' know some days why I am still here, sometimes I think I've completly overreacting, but then other days I feel that I just want out.
He did say that, and I feel now as if I've woken up and grown up and maybe thats what causing the problems.
I'm younger than him by 13 yrs, and when we met I sort of looked up to him, its been in more recent eyars that I've questioned what he's told me.
We did talk about it a while back, or I tried to. I said that I felt sometimes he behavied like a teacher or father not my equal and partner, so whatever I amd doing he will know something about it and tell me what/how to do things.
The thing about training has come up a few times, I have a health condition (genetic and irreversable). Until I got diagnosed and got medication it interfered with my life, DH used to be very very cold and ignore me when I was in pain.... he kept saying at the time that he wasn't or that I was overreacting. He since admitted (once I got diagnosed) that he was doing it deliberatly because
apparantly I had said I liked being independant so he decided not to offer me help. He also said he thought that if he 'rewarded' me being ill by helping me or being nice to me then I woudl be ill more often.

OP posts:
QueenofBoak · 14/03/2011 13:06

Don't know what to say.

He sounds like a total knob.

Training you? Hmm Runaway as fast as you can....

judgejudie · 14/03/2011 13:07

OMG what a to do about nothing

QueenofBoak · 14/03/2011 13:08

X posted. Sorry you are going though this, but, training and rewarding is how i teach my DOG.

I'm outraged on your behalf.

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2011 13:08

it sounds horrific. truly it does!

i'm sorry,i know there will be people along on the thread saying we shouldn't be shouting 'leave him'....but i truly cant see it getting any nicer moving on and into old age. i mean,can you imagine what he'll be like when retired and under your feet all day??

how is he with your ds? does he try and 'train' him etc?

holyShmoley · 14/03/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 13:14

he sounded like a nob right from where you said he "told you" all your "character faults" at the beginning of your relationship

he sounds horrible, and frankly, like a fucking bore

waterrat · 14/03/2011 13:19

He sounds like a bully - putting you down in front of your child as well. If you want to make it work you should probably tell him that unless he seriously changes his act, he's out. It does sound as though you are waking up to the way he has always been. It just sounds deeply disrespectful and unloving to be honest. re. 'training' you - I'd missed that bit, that is just horrible. He sounds fucked up.

How would he react if you said you wanted time to think about the relationship and asked him to move out for a while?

cashmeregoat · 14/03/2011 13:20

A lot of what you say rings true with me too. It's the sort of stuff that doesn't sound half so dramatic as some of the threads on here and doesn't ever seem so bad as I'd say 'I'm leaving now' but slowly eats away at you. We tried couple councelling last week and felt great afterwards but then the other night he got annoyed with me over nothing and was in a mood for 24 hours creating a bad atmosphere without admitting it. Won't do the councelling 'homework,' and says we don't need to go back. Sorry, wish I had some proper advice for you. My DH too thinks if he's nice to me when I'm ill or upset it'll only encourage me.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2011 13:28

Sounds like he's got a frightfully good explanation lined up for behaving like a complete arse. It's all for your own good, indeed. He's got passive aggression down to a fine art too. I'm not going to say "leave the pompous git" (although do by all means if you want to), but there's no reason you should put up with that patronising shit. Training you not to cry indeed, and that thing about rewarding you for being ill is beyond the pale. The very least he owes you is a massive apology for not taking your illness seriously until the grown-ups told him it was true.

Basically he needs to learn a bit of respect and consideration, and fast.

speculationisrife · 14/03/2011 13:29

I wouldn't really know where to start to untangle that kind of frankly bizarre (actually, I don't think cruel is too stong a word) behaviour. It strikes me that right from the beginning he wanted someone to feel superior to. He defined who you both were and funnily enough he identified himself as being the complete opposite to you as though this was somehow something to be proud of. He set everything up so that you would be the 'moody and emotional' one and he was the 'calm and rational' one. Wow!

I'd be very surprised if someone like that would agree to the counselling he so clearly needs. What is his own family background? Can you imagine what your child will be picking up from him about relationships...

What are the good things about him - what's he like when you're getting on 'superbly well'?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 14/03/2011 13:30

What a bizarre man. You are in pain but he tells you he thinks you like independence so he doesn't offer you sympathy or support? What a freakoid.

Does he give you any help or support ever? Any kindness or warmth?

And why does he actually give a sh*t what day you do writing with your ds? Unless it's to stir up confusion and upst. Knobber.

Show him this thread and get rid of him. He's not training you but he is training your son how to be a first class pillock just like himself.

PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 13:31

I expect they get on "superbly well" when OP isn't in pain, acquiescses to his character assassination of her, and doing everything his way...

he probably seems quite nice then Hmm

Original poster
frazzledmum76 · 14/03/2011 13:32

{{cashmeregoat}} I know what you mean, it doesn't sound as bad as some of the stuff on threads.
we tried Couple Counselling a while back, he was very combatative and uncooperative in there and when we got out I asked him why - he said ti was because the only point of couple counselling was to give the woman permission and vindication for leaving her partner and so he thought he'd behave like an arse so I could look like a martyr in front of the counsellor.

Thing is, some of the time he is lovely and when he is he's one of my favourite people. I think i'm just getting tired of feeling anxiuos and guilty when he is around.
He says its me, but I have to wonder, he is the only person around whom I am this emotional, worried, anxiuos etc.....so wouldn't that mean its at least partly his interaction with me?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 14/03/2011 13:35

What a massively controlling man he is. He behaved like "an arse" in couple counselling so that you could appear the martyr?

I'm sorry but this is a very frightened man. He's terrified that you will take control of your own life (he defined you from the off so that you had his expectations to meet, not your own) and that will mean you will not include him in your life.

He seriously seriously needs a lot of help. And op, you need time away from him so that you can evaluate how you are without him. How awful that you feel anxious and nervy around him. Awful. It is bullying abuse what he's doing. Very clever and calculated at that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2011 13:43

Frazzled

By saying its you he's also projecting onto you as well.

What drew you to someone like this in the first place?. You both sound very different
What is his own parents relationship like, what did he learn from them?. What's his background?.

Couples counselling would never have worked with such an inherently damaged individual anyway as has already been seen. Counselling only for yourself alone would perhaps be beneficial as he then would not act like a twat during the sessions and you can talk properly.

I doubt very much that you get on superbly well at all. That sounds to me like downplaying how awful it is or damage limitation on your part.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What are you both teaching your child about relationships here?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to your son. Is this what you want his childhood to be like?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2011 13:44

Frazzled

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

speculationisrife · 14/03/2011 13:47

Aside from those threads where the women are in physical danger, I think this is possibly the most unpleasant-sounding situation I've come across on MN. As Winky says, he sounds terrified (as well as terrifying!)

Lovely? Really? How is he lovely? How can you find him lovely when he treats you like this? Of course he says it's you. Gah!

PeterAndre - quite!

waterrat · 14/03/2011 13:54

cashmere and frazzled, I hope you can both find a way forward from this. these men sound like they are just eating away at your happiness and well being. The story about behaving badly in counselling on purpose is just awful - so incredibly controlling and unkind - and really the sign of a weak man who thinks the whole world is out to get him.

These men are adults, they presumably know how to behave with other people ie. at work. THey choose to behave badly because they are able to get away with it with their long suffering partners. It's a choice. please know that.

If you seriously think there is a relationship to salvage, they need to know that if they don't change, the relationship will be over. Otherwise they can just keep behaving like bullying little children forever. Please dont sacrifce your happiness for the rest of your life because 'its not as bad as some on here'. It sounds horrible to me.

waterrat · 14/03/2011 14:03

and, I agree about solo counselling. You need to talk about yourself and your own feelings about the relationship, he simply used the session to bully you further and undermine what you were trying to do. I wonder what in your own childhood has made you believe that this is acceptable.

Original poster
frazzledmum76 · 14/03/2011 14:11

He comes from a pretty messed up family background, I find that difficult tbh, there's issues there and I can't believe that they just get glossed over especially about the potential impact on DS.

My family background was OK I guess, my mom can drive me up the wall at times; her & dad have their quirks but I know they love me etc. I adore my dad despite his slight oddidites, we're very alike!

Its just so scary to think of ending it. All the things that would have to be sorted out. but then there are days/ hours each week when i think how simple and pleasant life would be if it was just me and DS. (I know its hard being a single parent btw, we did a trial seperation a year ago and it was hard in alot of ways, but it was liberating at times too)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/03/2011 14:13

nothing can be as difficult to sort out as a whole future lying ahead with this man!!