Please help; advice and support needed for difficult relationship with DH

[frazzledmum76]

Hi all, I could use some advice and support here. My husband and I have been married for 9 years with one DS (6). Some of the time we get on superbly well other times we seem to continually rub each other up the wrong way.

When we met he told me I was moody and emotional, untidy and very conventional, and that he was minimalist, and although angry about social matters (political things and injustice) a calm and rational person when it came to his personal life.
Recently I have found myself questioning this! From my perspective he is basically a moody mare, a bit of an old maid about certain things and he can sulk with the best of them. I'm not denying that I'm mercurial and emotional however and I'm sure that?s part of the problem.
My issue is though, that he seems to refuse to admit that he is also moody and emotional and he won't put any effort into changing his behaviours.

For example, he told me he disliked it when I cried, and that the reason he would go cold, not talk and pull away in a discussion or argument was because I was crying and he was trying to 'train' me not to cry.
I have told him over and over that I get upset easily but if he will give me a cuddle and just a bit of time out/ unconditional 'its OK' then I'm usually able to get over it MUCH faster.

It?s so difficult sometimes to live with him.
Yesterday I asked DS to come and practise his handwriting with me. This is something me and DH have talked about and agreed is important. We also agreed it was my job to handle DS homework and English as I am around more and I have a background in teaching.
So DS is a bit reluctant (like most 6 yr olds I guess) I say "come on pet, we do handwriting on a Sunday" DH decides to jump in and says "or any other day"
I say as calmly as I can "no darling we need to do it on Sundays"
DH: "or another day, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday...."
Me: "No, we do it on a Sunday" (through gritted teeth)
DH: "you interrupted me, how about Friday or Saturday"
By now Ds who has DH right next to him is looking very confused, I try and signal to DH that we need to stop this by saying, "well today is the day I have time to do this so let?s get on with it"
DH; "oh so it doesn?t have to be Sunday"

I finally get DS sat down and then try and pull DH away quietly and say "look, that upset me, you undermined me in front of DS, and we DO do this on Sundays"
DH: very sarcastically "oh I'm sorry I didn't realise that Sunday was the only possible day he could ever do handwriting"
Me: "I told you that"
DH; no you didn't"

You can imagine things didn't get a whole lot better from there on in!
What should I do? His moods impact on my day, he will just withdraw completely. I can't discuss anything with him because he immediately starts saying "you're always accusing me of things" or he gets very sarcastic and starts splitting hairs and picking holes in everything I say.

Im stunned at "TRAIN" you

Id be a goner, im afraid

When you had the trial separation did he look at his own behaviour and make any attempt to change it?

Absolutely agree with ILoveTIFFANY. It's interesting you say you've already had a trial separation. Was it you that instigated that? If so, you've probably already begun to detach from him, so at least some of the emotional work is already done. It sounds as though you do know what you need to do...

during the trial separation,who left? because you've done it previously,the logistics wont be nearly as hard

what is worrying you about it all?

the logistics I know I can work out, because of his work pattern/ location he has a flat anyway for during the week.

Its the emotional side, being lonely, missing him, coping on my own again. I met him when I was 22, I'm now 34; its scary thinking of not having him around.

When I said we get on well at times, we share similar views on some topics, i don't know maybe I am fooling myself. Its rare now for me to be able to think of a time that I've unreservedly enjoyed being with him.

But to be fair, on sunday he did let me have a lie in and did the washing up etc, I just want more? is that wrong? I wish I could have a solution that would mean I was madly in love with him still, and that things were good between us. But the thought of my thirties and forties slipping away as well scares me even more.

you shouldnt be viewing it as he 'let you' have a lie in or that he did you any favour by washing a few dishes....those are normal everyday things.....

on sunday he did let me have a lie in and did the washing up etc

is that all you can manage to dredge up about the "good times" you still share ?

that is not nearly enough

imagine still staring at this inadequate man over the dinner table in 20 years time, when your kids have flown the nest, you are still washing his smelly socks, and he is still giving you that "look"

you are plenty young enought to start again...there is no obligation to spend more of your prime years with this man, just because you did it with the last few...

throw more time away on a man you don't even seem to like very much ?

that would be very foolish

Half the washing up was caused by him anyway...

It is very interesting to look at the set of characteristics he chose for you both. He seems to have endowed you with, on the whole, negative characteristics while claiming minimalism (good, according to much of popular culure), calmness and a passion for equality for himself.

thank you all, I think i need to sit down with him and try and tell him how unhappy i feel. We've been through it before and he keeps telling me to give it a chance etc but I think maybe it is time I make a decision about whats truly best for me.

It is scary and upsetting but also liberating to think that if I stay strong I could gather back the right to make my own decisions without feeling second guessed or guilty.

On a purely silly note, I just took a teabreak and flipped through a magazine, i realised suddenyl just how much I would do differently about the house/ decoration/ what I wore if I wasn't trying to think of what he would like.

It might be a small thing or seem petty but the idea of repainting the kitchen and not getting his sighs or complaints would be soooooo satisfying!

Not nearly as scary as missing out on the kind of loving relationship you deserve with someone who is not emotionally stunted. He let you have a lie-in and did the washing up?! Those aren't favours, they're part of what couple's do for each other every day.

frazzled it's not at all a small thing, it's a sign that the love is not there for you and you are really yearning inside to be free of this relationship. Life is short and you only get one go at it....you've given him chances and if he can't change (ie. doesn't want to) - then he has made his decision. Don't let him drag you down with him.

it is not petty to want the freedom to be the person you really are

second-guessing someone else's reactions all the time must be soul destroying, and appeasing an inadequate man like this will chip away at your self- respect

x-post with your last post, frazzled. Honestly, it will be bliss just to be able to be you again, I'm sure. It will be hard, but you are obviously strong enough that even in 12 years of being with someone like this you can still see it's not right, despite his trying to convince you to the contrary!

"Its rare now for me to be able to think of a time that I've unreservedly enjoyed being with him."

This is sad. I think you need to have a good hard think about the life you will have with you (without resorting to fantasies of how he might change) versus the life you could have without him. I know which I'd choose.

"Its the emotional side, being lonely, missing him, coping on my own again. I met him when I was 22, I'm now 34; its scary thinking of not having him around".

Is that really why you stay now?. What are you getting out of this relationship now and by staying what are you teaching your son?. He does not need or warrant such a damaged father figure in his day to day life; you want your son to potentially end up like his Dad?.

Your H too letting you have a lie in and doing the dishes is not enough, nowhere near enough not after the way he has treated you. You have also allowed yourself to be treated like this perhaps also because of your own background.

He is giving you no emotional support whatsoever and also decides to emotionally withdraw every single time you challenge him. You've had a trial seperation - who came back to whom and what promises got made then?.

Such men like your H do not change either.

It is no surprise to me that your H's background is well messed up; he is truly a product of his own repressed upbringing.

Oh God, I know what you mean...the thought of being able to decorate to your own tate seems wonderful doesn't it, rather than have to do everything by committee.

However I must admit that overall with my DH the good times probably still outnumber the bad, so if you're saying "Its rare now for me to be able to think of a time that I've unreservedly enjoyed being with him" then that doesn't sound good.

You only get one shot at this life and currently your H is dragging you and by turn your child down with him. That will not change.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who ultiamtely does not want to be saved. I wonder what actually drew you to him in the first place?.

I think i was drawn to him because he was so definite and seemed in control of his life.
At the time I had just ended a relationship with someone my own age who was a bit indecisive. I had been the strong one in that relationship and DH confidence appealed to me.

Cashmere; Decorating by committee I wouldn't mind; its the fact that whatever we decide on, give it 3-6 months and he will start saying how much he hates it. So i compormise on my own taste (eg orange rather than blue in the kitchen) and then a few months later have to put up with him saying its awful and he hates it.

He mocks me for my 'conventional taste' but I'm just tired of living in a messy 'artistic' house. It would be great to get rid of all his junk and wild clashing colours for once and all!

Oh god, men who peg you as 'conventional' from the start are awful ime.

My judgement's probably being clouded by my own experience here, and I know this is trotted out a lot, but he sounds narcissistic to me.

Needing to be 'unconventional' can be a symptom of the narcissist's obsession with being special.

Ime people who are genuinely unconventional are not hugely aware of it or, at least, are not in the habit of pointing it out all the time, eg by telling someone else they are too conventional.

He sounds like the nasty, snide, controlling type. I think that you've already made your decision. Hope everything goes to plan, and it WILL be worth it.

Sounds like my ex-husband. Nightmare.

youtalkingtome I think you may be right, thinking about it he does seem to need to make everyone aware that he isn't 'conventional' he will deliberatly not do something if he thinks it what everyone else does.