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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with the raging anger?

41 replies

MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 11:52

When your dh has done something to really hurt how do you get past the anger.

I feel such a rage inside and I can't look at him without screaming at him which obviously isn't good with the kids around.

How do I get a hold on this rage I feel inside?

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 14/03/2011 11:53

what has he done?

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 11:55

He has got involved with a woman at work, and apparently it's my fault because HE has found it hard to deal with my pnd.

I have never felt anger like this before. I feel violent, like I want to kill him.

OP posts:
waterrat · 14/03/2011 12:01

well, your anger is understandable - and you have to recognise it and deal with it properly. To move forward with this you are going to have to know that he is taking your anger on board and listening to you - if he can't do that, and if he can't take responsibility for what he did, then the relationship won't be able to mend.

I know people say joint therapy is good , and I'm sure that would help - but I would suggest your own therapy to talk about your anger, the relationship in general and how you feel about it.

I think the thing you should NOT do is try to hide this or feel you have to somehow get rid of it - it's a totally normal reaction to what he has done - use it to make sure you get proper resolution.

Would you consider leaving him over this? If not, you have to get him to take responsibility , otherwise your anger is not going to go away.

waterrat · 14/03/2011 12:02

btw,. that absolutely is appalling him blaming your PND - I would be livid. Im sorry you are going through this.

Aislingorla · 14/03/2011 12:02

Is he still involved with her?

Mamaz0n · 14/03/2011 12:05

Oh memoo Sad

What do you plan to do now? is this something you are going to try and work through or will this be the end?

My initial thought would be to take gardening sheers to his testicles. I think that i woul dhave to make him leave, even if for a short period, because i would just continue to get angry each time i saw him.

I would also put some irritant or other in the lining of each and every pair of boxers he owned

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:05

I don't know about leaving, it may get to the point where there us no choice but just don't know yet.

He keeps saying he is sorry, he loves me etc but it's not good enough is it! I can't even talk to him about it because I just end up swearing at him. Yesterday I threw a cup of water at him Blush which I know is unacceptable but tbh he was lucky it wasn't a knife.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:06

I wish I could get him to leave for a few days but struggle to manage with the kids on my own

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 14/03/2011 12:08

Could you get a freind/mum/sister round for a couple of days. someone that A) can help with the practicalities of the children -though you will be surprised at just what you manage when you need to and B) someone you can sit and talk it all over with.

you need some space to decide how you want this to progress.

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:08

I should add that he has slept with her it's been an EA but that is just as bad to me and I think they would have done if I hadn't have found out

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/03/2011 12:08

Look into some therapy for yourself - you need a safe space to vent. But if you think you are going to throw things at your H again it might be a good idea to ask him to leave for a short while so you can sort your head out. It's understandable that you are angry with him but infidelity does not justify physical violence. EVER.

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:09

I have nobody who can help out really. Bad relationship with mum, sister lives abroad

OP posts:
waterrat · 14/03/2011 12:09

I did read some good advice on here once, that you shouldnt feel you have to kick the cheating partner out immediately - as all that will happen is you will be left with more childcare and they get to go off and have time on their own. So - if thats difficult for you don't do it. But perhaps try to get some time on your own.

perfumedlife · 14/03/2011 12:09

Anger is there for a reason, you need to listen to it, and direct it, meaning take some type of action, even if it's seeing a counseller, sending dh away for a few days.

Is it over? Was it a full on affair?

Aislingorla · 14/03/2011 12:09

Ok, so it's over? But have you only recently discovered it? If so...you will be still in shock and 'all over the place' and way too soon to make a decision.

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:10

I'm not actually going to be violent SGB I just feel like it

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 14/03/2011 12:10

We need more information in order to try and help, please!

TrinityIsABunnyMunchingRhino · 14/03/2011 12:10

dnot beat yourself up about throwing a cup of water at him

I assume you mean he hasn't slept with her

but the EA are just as bad, totally just as bad

what about breaking plates in a safe place just for now

do you have a friend that could help with the kids so he can leave and think for a bit

perfumedlife · 14/03/2011 12:11

Cross posted, and i think you mean he didn't sleep with her?

The problem is, if he is actually blaming you and pmt or whatever, he is not taking responsibility for the affair. That has to change before you can get further.

Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:11

Yes it's over, I been finding out in little bits over the past week. He has been drip feeding me the details. He has lied over and over.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:12

He hasn't slept with her Trin, but the emotional stuff does hurt just as much. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMommaMemoo · 14/03/2011 12:13

Sorry only just noticed typo he hasn't slept with het

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 14/03/2011 12:13

What he is saying is similar to saying, if you had a serious illness and became bedbound, dependant and hard to care for, that you couldn't rely on him. That he felt, if you were difficult, in whatever way, he was going to seek comfort elsewhere.

Can he not see how utterly wrong that is? What does he think is the point of marriage ffs?

Becaroooo · 14/03/2011 12:17

sigh. I am a bit of a cynic I'm afraid memoo A lot of the time when they ssy they have not slept with the OW/M they actually have. EAs usually turn into full blown affairs given time. Sorry.

I am so sorry for you that he has blamed your pnd for his pathetic behaviour. I had late onset pnd with ds1 and I well remember the feeling and if dh had done this to me back then I am sure I would feel exactly as you do.

You are right not to vent in front of the children.

You have every right to feel the way you do.

Becaroooo · 14/03/2011 12:18

...so he says memoo So he says. He who has "lied over and over".