Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have i lost him

46 replies

loveblind · 13/03/2011 23:33

So i will start from the top.
Been engaged for almost 4 years been with him 5, planed to get married this september mostly everything was booked. He turns around 2 weeks ago and said do you think we are doing the right thing getting married. He's been a bit off the last 4 months Ends up he's having doubts, he works away sometimes a month sometime 2 depends so not home all the time. So he's had time to think on his own. He works with people that when they come home they can dissapear off to places with no responsabilty i thought that it was because of that but no he has serious doubts. His head is f***. So he's going to thsiland for a month to sort his head out. Although he's going with someone from his work, a girl, she had plans already set out to go there herself, i trust him i wouldnt let him go other wise. He's not the type to cheat, he's also good friends with her boyfriend. If he does do bad well its finished if he can do that to me well.... He say's he loves me but it's either this life or disspear and go live his life diffrently. Everyone i have spoke to said cold feet but i dont think cold feet would take him this far? I'm going to wait on him coming back even if he decides not to stay with me. Am i stupid?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 13/03/2011 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

step2 · 13/03/2011 23:44

Not stupid - in love.
Hard impossible probably but try to live for yourself don't wait around for him. If he comes back you will know how you feel. If he does not come back to you and the plans you both had then you will have fewer regrets.
IMO you have to make up your own mind what to do and I can say all this because I am not affected. Wish you the best.

thenightsky · 13/03/2011 23:52

He is going to Thailand with another woman for a month?

Sheesh.

SeeJaneKick · 14/03/2011 01:33

I honestly don't think this looks good. He's going to Thailand with another woman...she may be in a relationship but so is he.

If he needs to sort his head out why does he have to tag along with her? He should be able to do it alone.

You nee to try to find out what's going on...and I am so sorry but to me it seems like there is an affair.

Lizzabadger · 14/03/2011 02:37

In your shoes I'd end the relationship before he goes to Thailand. He doesn't sound that committed to you - sorry.

PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 08:22

he's just not that into you

he has deteched himself

not sure if you ever "had him" in the way you think if he can discard you with such a vague excuse to go to the shagging capital of the world with another woman, so not sure what you have "los" (apart from the booby prize ?)

get real love, and end it properly now, this stage of your relationship is supposed to be happy, safe and secure

not full of doubts and insecurity

do it before he makes even more of a fool of you

PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 08:22

lost

QuintessentialShadows · 14/03/2011 08:27

I second what everybody says.

Original poster
loveblind · 14/03/2011 09:54

Thanks
It's going to be tough but i dont know what to do
I'm thinking of turning up at his mum n dads tonight without him knowing so i can ask to see his fb, msn and emails. good plan?

OP posts:
Mouseface · 14/03/2011 10:02

loveblind

I'm sorry but I don't think he wants to get married to you. Or to anyone.

I'd end the relationship before he goes.

Sorry.

Mouseface · 14/03/2011 10:03

No need to 'check up on him'

Just end it with your dignity intact.

diddl · 14/03/2011 10:04

Just dump him, I´d say tbh.

You got engaged quickly, but why the wait to marry?

YesPleaseDrChristian · 14/03/2011 10:07

He has detatched himself emotionally already.

Don't go running after him or snooping around his emails.

Do you have kids together?

olivertulliver · 14/03/2011 10:09

What Mouseface said.

lint · 14/03/2011 10:11

Don't check up on his fb, emails. He's feeling tied before he wants to be and this would make it worse.

Sorry but I agree with the other posters...step back from him and give him a bit of space. He might come back to you but take control of your own life and move on independently.

zikes · 14/03/2011 10:25

I think it's over, but he's keeping his options open. Handy to have you on a string.

Is being the fall-back good enough? Really?

You need to pull back and grab some dignity: don't chase him or try to check up on him, let him go and start living an independent life yourself. Think of youself as single and get on with pursuing your own interests and ambitions.

If he comes back to you, make sure he works and proves himself before he ever gets a chance to get back with you.

He's dumping on you from a great height.

happiestblonde · 14/03/2011 10:54

I think it's over.

When DP and I had problems I almost ran away to Thailand. I spent 3 months there a few years ago and only came back for my graduation kicking and screaming, it's hard to return to a serious life in the UK.

NoVittyAte · 14/03/2011 10:56

He might be going to sort his head out in Thailand, but it ain't the one on his shoulders...

Agree with all the others- dump him, keep your dignity and move on.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2011 11:14

Not the type to cheat?

There is no "type" (unless it's "male and breathing"). Human beings do stupid, selfish things sometimes. Going to Thailand (of all places!) with a female from work is pretty much all the explanation you need for his sudden rush of cold feet. I suppose it's possible that they are just going as friends; stranger things have happened, but not very often.

To be honest though, it's the ultimatum that would finish it for me, if I rightly understood what you mean by "He say's he loves me but it's either this life or disspear and go live his life diffrently".

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/03/2011 12:04

Let him go. You don't have a choice, really - well, your options are: let him go with your good wishes and move on with your life rather than waiting for him to come back - or making a complete arse of yourself. Asking his parents if you can read his emails FFS! They would tell you to piss off and tell him what you did and he would be justifiably angry with you.
Also, unless you let him go with good grace now, if he were to come back and find you still hanging on, you would be setting yourself up for a ghastly relationship where he has all the power - it's never good to make it blindingly obvious to an half-hearted partner how desperate you are to hang on to him/her.

Mymblesson · 14/03/2011 12:14

unless it's "male and breathing

Jesus Tapdancing Christ, the misandry.

Going from my own experiences, I could say 'female and breathing', but then I wouldn't be so dismissive of an entire sex.

And Original Poster - I agree absolutely with what the others have said. He's detached from you - let him go and move on. Easier said than done, agreed.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2011 12:22

I knew someone would pick up on that, and it wasn't entirely serious you know! For one thing, as I have often said, if only one sex cheated they'd have no-one to cheat with. (Not meaning to say gay relationships aren't subject to infidelity either at times, if you need that spelled out too.)

joanne34 · 14/03/2011 12:36

" He's going to Thailand to sort his head out "

Bye then !

Seriously..... you want marry this man ???

Mymblesson · 14/03/2011 12:45

Fair enough Annie. I like this place but just sometimes...

NoVittyAte · 14/03/2011 12:53

Yes, going to Thailand to sort your head out is rather like going to Amsterdam to reassess your relationship with smoking dope.

Swipe left for the next trending thread