have i lost him

[loveblind]

So i will start from the top.
Been engaged for almost 4 years been with him 5, planed to get married this september mostly everything was booked. He turns around 2 weeks ago and said do you think we are doing the right thing getting married. He's been a bit off the last 4 months Ends up he's having doubts, he works away sometimes a month sometime 2 depends so not home all the time. So he's had time to think on his own. He works with people that when they come home they can dissapear off to places with no responsabilty i thought that it was because of that but no he has serious doubts. His head is f***. So he's going to thsiland for a month to sort his head out. Although he's going with someone from his work, a girl, she had plans already set out to go there herself, i trust him i wouldnt let him go other wise. He's not the type to cheat, he's also good friends with her boyfriend. If he does do bad well its finished if he can do that to me well.... He say's he loves me but it's either this life or disspear and go live his life diffrently. Everyone i have spoke to said cold feet but i dont think cold feet would take him this far? I'm going to wait on him coming back even if he decides not to stay with me. Am i stupid?

OP I know you must feel like shit, but you will honestly look back and be glad you had a lucky escape. This would be so much worse if you had already married him.

You deserve to be with somebody who is proud and at the very least grateful to be with you. He is not. Take a deep breath and tell him that you deserve more than this and you are ending this relationship now - no being dangled for a month while he 'decides what he wants'.

You will feel so much better for taking control, and it actually doesn't change anything anyway. If you have lost him, you have lost him anyway, whether you finish it or not. If you haven't really lost him, he will realise his mistake and beg you to take him back. Then at least it's your decision.

TBH I know of plenty of people who have had platonic holidays with men/women other than their partners. I think it's a bit closed-minds/narrow horizons to always be suspicious.

OP- I think all you can do is wait. No easy answer.

A 4 year "engagement" though does raise my eyebrows. I always think that when anyone is engaged, they get on with wedding plans, otherwise it's a meaningless stae of affairs.

you have both had loads of time in a 4 year engagement to get married.

I was engaged for 12 weeks before our wedding after a 3 yr relationship.

I wouldn't worry about the other woman, I would worry that both of you have coasted along for so long with plans to marry but never getting on with it.

Whether this other woman is interested in shagging him or not, I think that the atmosphere of Thai tourist traps is not exa toy conducive to quiet contemplation of one's romantic commitments...but that's not why he's going anyway, is it? This is a month of 'freedom' which will be followed by a "I'm sorry but you deserve better than I can give you" speech, OP. Which you do, obviously. Bloody lucky escape, from the sound of things- good luck to you.

And cabbage- you don't know why they (or anybody else) had been unable to marry quickly, so don't leap to judgement on that score. It's quite insensitive to people in situations you may know nothing about.

you seem very defensive Vitty!
I am sorry but I think long engagements often amount to sitting on the fence. IME people often have long engagements as it shows a kind of commitment, demanded by one partner, but often marriage does not follow. The notion of finance is often used as an reason not to marry, but more often than not this is not really so- it's not about the money ( it doesn't cost that much to marry if you have a tiny ceremony) but about commitment.
The OPs situation seems to prove this admirably.

cabbage Over the years I've known a few people who have had long (as in a few years) engagements then the relationship has fizzled out. They've all gone on to new relationships and were engaged and married within about 18 months! So I do think there's some truth in what you say.

But I think in OPs case, the issue is more about her P's attitude in general, rather than how long they've been engaged.

You's are probibly right, i know you's are right
but
i'm going to do things for myself build myself up get on with things and if he comes back will have him begging (for me not to break his legs..)
i love him:(

Aw.

Give yourself a bit of time to cry it out. Then pick yourself up & throw yourself into positive things.

He, by trotting out with the 'it's not you, it's me' crap, the 'Do you think we are doing the right thing' shite, he is GIVING HIMSELF PERMISSION to cheat.

As soon as those words left his lips, he's left you already.

Hold your head up high, this is his failing, not yours. Dump him, tell him that you expect your fiance to have more gumption than that, and WTF kind of a father does he think he'd make if he can't even handle getting married.

he is not the man you thought he was and actually he has done you the most almighty favour, you just can't see it yet.

You don't love him, you love the HIM you'd like him to be. He can't be that person.

He will soon be cheating on you, if he hasn't already done so. TELL HIM you don't want him ever to come back begging, and bloody well mean it.

You don't deserve this mouse of a man. Get yourself a REAL man, one that does love you and one that WILL be there for you.

Does he really need to go all the way to Thailand to 'sort his head out' . He can do that at a Travelodge on the M25 - or at his parents.

If he's having doubts after fours years,read it again - FOUR YEARS. Then he isn't having doubts. He's decided already.

To answer your question,if you sit around waiting for him to come back and he knows you'll be sat there waiting then I'm sorry..and I really don't like to be so blunt but yes, you will be stupid.

I wouldn't like to be in you'r shoes.

Thailand of all places?

By the sounds of it i'ts dead in the water.

You dont know where you stand, this is no way to even start thinking about marriage.

I would tell him the wedding is off & only when he begins to talk to you & work through 'This issue' that he has you can decide what to do next.

Leaving you in limbo for a whole month while he is abroad is not the way to sort things out.

You are about to start a lifetime time together & he starts it with this?

Is this the way you expect marriage to be? I think not, you have to tell him that his actions are confusing & not the way you start a marraige.

I would be suspiciouse, sorry but it doesn't sound right.

Firstly, I don't think you are stupid. You have invested in a relationship and you want it to work out.

However, I don't think that you should sit around waiting for him to come back from his jolly to Thailand with some girl. What is his plan here? To have you in reserve incase it doesn't pan out with her?

If you are right, and they are not romantically involved, then why does he have to go to Thailand with her to sort out his feelings. He could stay with family or friends to so this.

I would be inclined to take a deep breath, grit my teeth and tell him that if he insists on going to Thailand that this indicates the end of the relationship.

If that feels too hard to do - why not suggest to him that you BOTH take a break from the relationship and see how you both feel in 3 months. Just make sure he absolutely understands that you will not be sitting around waiting for him during this time and that there is every chance YOU will feel happier out of this relationship

Also i agree that some marriages/weddings (in particullar) take time & money.

In this case the man can quite easily afford to arrange a trip to thialand for a month so i don't think money/planning is the issue here.

Op says something like... 'Go to his mums check his, fb/internet'. after 4 years together i find that in itself strange.

I could be wrong but it sounds like he may have another agenda?

Here we go

It's called "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander". Or rather, in this case, the other way round.

loveblind. I've spent so much time in my life hanging around waiting for 'confused' men to sort their heads out. Seriously - I rue every day I wasted. A real man - ie. one who is good, kind, serious and confident in himself, would be straight with you and would end it. He wouldn't want to leave you hanging on.

Real love is not uncertain - he is keeping his options open while actually moving on. BUt this is the worst kind of cruelty - because he is too selfish to allow you to move on as well.

He is off to thailand with a random girl to 'sort his head out'???! wtf? Even if he was seriously unsure and actually wanted some space, this is not how a good person would behave. He is leaving you hanging and doesn't care how you feel.

I have really been with so many of these prats - throughout my twenties I was inexorably drawn to them like a particularly stupid moth to a flame.

Your best option here is to tell him that it's over - if that seems too painful for you - you are simply telling him that you are either together or not. Why would any man make his mind up when he doesn't have to? Hei s getting to be a single man without shutting the door on his relationship with you.

End it and tell him that he knows where you are if he sorts his head out but that you aren't going to sit at home wondering what he is up to in thailand (party capital of the world...dont forget that)

Then - go and see a therapist and talk about your family, your relationship with your father and why you are puttin up with this shit...

Good post, waterrat.

make sure he knows you will be straight out on the pull too...

because you will, right ?

or at least, I hope you will

loveblind

End this before he goes.

Tell him you love him but you won't wait for him to 'sort his head out' because you are worth far more than a guaranteed shag when/if he finally pitches up.

When he says 'If you love me, you would.' Smile at him and say yes, but I have to love myself more.

Don't let him hold you back loveblind.

You WILL heal. You will survive. And, you WILL find a man who loves you because he wants to.

how is "going around his parent to check his FB" going to help "build yourself up?"

let it go

I think he is having a laugh, I know they say love is blind but this is ridiculous, I think you should either go with him & her or run a mile.

Tbh we got engaged before we moved in together, he's had this job for 2 years now the moneys getting better.
Hes away now, i do believe their just friends i cant see him cheating. I know what that must sound like...
i've decided that i'm going to continuse to wait but i'm going to be doing things for myself at the mmoment and for the 6 year old. So if it does come back the answer i don't want ave started to build without him.
Never know i might change my mind....
Btw that plan was to ask him to see his pc as he was at his mum n dads but i never

Love is blind obviously

I hope that you waken up soon to the fact that this guy is on a month long shag fest holiday with his "friend" and who ever else comes his way.

He is just not that into you at all.

Youe self respect is on the floor and you are being trampled over.
He won't be back...but in the very remotest chance that he comes back l suggest he goes for a STI check before he comes wothin 6 feet of you.

What a wanker--sorry