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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage on the rocks

46 replies

DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 21:44

My DW has long viewed the pages of mumsnet, so when I realised our relationship was on the rocks I too started reading.... I need you're help, our marriage has been good and can be again, so please do what you ladies do and shoot from the hip.

We've been married for nearly 10 years, and are the result of an affair 2 years earlier. I was married my DW was separated. So the odds were apparently never great.

We're both hard workers, giving loads to the relationship and family life, we've had a fantastic marriage in the main with 2 lovely children, DD 8 and DS 6. We both have had successful careers but 3 years ago my DW had a breakdown, which ended up with a complete melt down and Pneumonia. Work was crazy, DW was working loads of hours, I tried to help but to no avail. She is a great communicator, me not so, so when it all went pear shaped I wasn?t able to give the appropriate support. I now understand the root cause of her upset was that I didn't take any pressure off her for the druggery of keeping the family working smoothly, by taking ownership of tasks. She has never questioned my work effort..
A year ago DW begged for help, saying she could see another breakdown coming and this time she was going to save herself. I thought I understood the issue and worked harder at doing stuff around the house (without taking ownership though).
8 Months ago DW started an affair. A friend at work was listening to her and they made an emotional connection before the affair began. It ended last month when I discovered a very explicit love letter. DW agreed to end the affair and work on sorting out our marriage. So far we've had 3 sessions with a councillor, we are communicating calmly and have discussed the issues.
I have accepted that the root cause of our marriage breakdown is not how hard I work around the home, but that I don't take responsibility. Therefore releasing DW from the stress of managing everything.
I am able to forgive the affair.

DW says she needs to know whether or not she is prepared to commit the next 30 years to our marriage, before we move forward. I love my wife dearly and would do anything to save our marriage. But what are the odds that she's going to stay?
I can give her space and time, but what can I do to convince her I?ll be there to support her, with whatever life throws at us. What can I do?

OP posts:
280169 · 13/03/2011 21:50

I dont know the answer but people here will be able to help,it sounds like you are trying very hard to save this, I hope it works out for you.

lubeybooby · 13/03/2011 21:50

Tell her you want to, tell her how much you love her and that you want to - write if you can't do it face to face.

CarGirl · 13/03/2011 21:55

Have you told her that you now understand that your lack of responsibility was a huge factor and that you are sorry? Have you discussed with her which responsibilities you are now going to take on?

Have you started talking more openly with her already, have you shown a commitment by already changing?

Actions say a thousand times more than words but she does need to hear the words too.

bingethinker · 13/03/2011 22:07

I don't think that there is anything you can do other than keep saying it and be there. Perceptions are difficult to shift, so just imagining that you will take responsibility may not be enough for her. It would make sense to sit down and divide areas of family/home responsibility and say "these are mine, these are yours" and keep up your end of the bargain. I do feel often that people-and it is often women, sorry girls-who say that their partner doesn't do anything are often not allowing them to do anything, or are criticising them when they do, so she will need to be realistic too.
Good luck.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:09

Thanks for the advice.
We are being completely honest with each other, and have discussed our feeling in great depth.
The crux is that DW is now questioning the foundation of our relationship, sort of a "life" review. Can she trust me to be there for her, can she ever love me again?

I've struggling to get over the affair, but know that we can be great together again. I don't throw it in her face at all, I'm currently giving her space and time. Affection is not welcome, so staying on my side of the bed. I feel absolutely powerless.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 13/03/2011 22:13

Have you ever lived on your own?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:15

Hold on. I don't understand by what you mean by "ownership" of tasks. Do you mean you didn't empty the dishwasher/washing machine/pick up toys automatically? This is annoying of someone but if you're doing it with direction IMO, that is fine. Ultimately.

When you say you worked harder around the house, what did you do? She's never questioned your work effort but still a breakdown ensued. You were working hard around the house you say? Why doesn't she write you a little list as to what you should do each morning?

I get the feeling you, DHneedinghelp, are not really the problem. The fact that she was so easy and willing to jump into bed with someone else is a massive problem. You sound like someone who is happy to help. O.K. not someone who takes initiative around that home - that can take time but you're willing and able.

Are you certain this woman is someone you can trust not to have an affair again in case you're apparently not pulling your weight and she makes an emotional connection with someone again? She could have said, "No," but she chose not too. Hmm

Sorry but I think you should be a bit more angry about her shagging someone else. Breakdown or no breakdown. Not good enough behaviour IMO.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:15

For the last 2 months I have been absolutely fully engaged, doing exactly what I should have been doing at least a year earlier.
Unfortunately by this stage DW was numb to me and our marriage and well loved up with someone else...
I do regret not understanding the issue sooner, as I'm getting a huge amount of satisfaction from greater family involvement.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:20

You were doing exactly what she wanted for a year but she wasn't impressed because she was already seeing someone else? My word. She's a lovely catch, isn't she?

Sorry but you'll never be able to satisfy this one. Nobody will. It'll always be your fault that she jumped into bed with someone else.

I think you'll be well rid, actually. That's my gut instinct.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:26

Believe me I have been angry, and done a bit of name calling etc. however I'm trying to behave with a bit of dignity.
I accept my short comings and I'm willing to address them.
I walked away from one marriage without putting up a fight, this time I will do all I can to make it work.
However I'm at a loss of what to do next

OP posts:
Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:30

Thanks IGUN

I have the same doubts too, i'm scared sh*tless about the future. Although I know I will be okay on my own if it comes to it, I also know I will not tollorate any further indiscretions.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:32

I think you are shouldering an awful lot of guilt and blame here for the wrong reasons.

You didnt have an affair, your wife did.

I wonder if part of the problem is that you are being too forgiving.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:38

DHneedinghelp, I think it's wonderful that you are so committed to making your marriage work.

The only thing is, is your wife? She's giving you the cold shoulder physically now? She should be at least trying to make a connection, holding your hand, the occasional hug.

You know, what you need and want is very very important too. And physical connection is a good way to re-establish intimacy. Not necessarily sexual (although that does often happen obviously).

Don't forget to express what it is that you need too.

The future is very scary but at least you will know that you did your utmost to make things better without forgoing stuff that matters to you. Yo don't need to sacrifice your happiness to keep a marriage going - that's not a marriage.

Have you told her what you want and need too? She also has a responsibility - a big one since she slept with someone else - to shape up and make an effort.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:39

I hate my DW for shagging around, what she did is indefencable.

I am able to forgive though

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:42

Is she still working with the other man?

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:44

Hi IGUN

I've done all you suggest, and I've been told without any question that intimacy is out of the question until DW has answered her "life crisis".

OP posts:
Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:47

They work for the same company, but not in the same department or region. Contact is inevitable but they have both said the affair has stopped.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 13/03/2011 22:51

It is admirable that you want your marriage to work DH but you can't completely lose yourself in the process. Your wife might have had legitimate problems with how you were behaving but that is no excuse for having an affair. She should be the one trying to win you back, not the other way around. Is she blaming you for the affair?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:51

Yeah, life crisis. Does that give her licence to have sex with other people until she's sorted herself out?

You really need to establish what the boundaries are. I think she's taking the michael really. She's got you pondering, wondering what you should be doing to make things better but she won't actually tell you or let you. Right. Great move. It is for her anyway. And for you, I suppose, if you want to spend your time wondering what exactly it is you've done wrong. Because if she doesn't tell you then well, she can keep on doing what she likes because you have unwittingly done another crime.

Actually, I think she needs to leave until she sorts herself out. She's making a mess of herself, you and more than absolutely likely, your children.

If you were helping around the house - genuinely helping - even if you weren't taking initiative, then her affair is ludicrous and pitiful. I feel sorry for you and your children. Do them a favour and tell her to pull her socks up and at least tell you what you can do to save your marriage or she can buzz off. You cannot live in this limbo. It's not at all fair.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:52

Actually, her affair has nothing to do with your efforts around the house.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 22:52

Okay, I'm worried that you're treating me like a victim.

I'm over the affair, it's been awful, I've a head full of images that have no place in a loving marriage.

However, I am a committed family man who loves his wife.

If I give DW the space and time she needs, how can any bridges be built?

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 22:58

Not unless she's prepare to meet you half way. Don't kill yourself trying to meet her needs. It won't work. Make her do some work. She failed you and her children massively by shagging someone else. She needs to face that failure.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 23:00

I dont think you are a victim. I do think you are in danger of being made a fool of by your wife though.

I think you may be putting more into the relationship than your wife is.

I cant believe that you are already "over" her having an affair that lasted 8 months, and was only supposedly over a month ago. I doubt she is over it either.

I do feel you are thinking about it in cliches and almost speaking about it as if you are quoting the phrases from a book. I think you are hurting a lot more than you say.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/03/2011 23:00

YOu're not over the affair. Your head is full of images. You need help too. Enormous damage has been done.

Original poster
DHneedingHelp · 13/03/2011 23:01

Thanks for all your words, I need to try and get some sleep now.

It's very much appreciated

OP posts: