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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you call the police in this circumstance?

35 replies

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:33

Just that really.

Idiot ex has given up his flat in the last week because he says he cannot afford the rent. He is now homeless and and is trying to get back here. We have been formally separated for over two years. The house is still in both of our names though for various admin reasons. We say we are on good terms but he can be violent and threatening and I am scared of him. He will be nice as anything until things do not go his way and then will get very nasty and I feel sick and scared when I deal with him. He comes to see the dc regularly, will not make a formal maintenence arrangement and I am absolutely terrified that when he comes tonight he will just refuse to go, he literally has no where to go but has done this to himself and I cannot have him here.

Would you call the police and ask them to remove him? What can I do? Please help me.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 16:35

Have you got a friend or family member who can come over and be there in the house, and be "staying over".

Mamaz0n · 13/03/2011 16:36

he doesnt live with you. he hasnt for 2 years. hr has no right to the property. yes call the police if he refuses to leave.

TotorosOcarina · 13/03/2011 16:36

Can you ring him and tell him you have to cancel tonight? so he doesn't come at all?

I don't think the police will come to you 'just in case' your ex might decide to stay.

Not that your concerns aren't valid, I just mean I don't think they will hang around 'in case'.

If he came and was in your house and wouldn't leave the I would discreetly call the police yes.

ShowOfHands · 13/03/2011 16:37

Ring your local non emergency number and explain the situation.

They will put a flag on your name/number so that if you need to ring later, they know what it's about and will send somebody round immediately.

I wouldn't let him in tbh.

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:37

No I am sure they wont come "just in case" but might they come if he gets violent and threatening when I tell him he has to go which is 99% certain to happen?

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 13/03/2011 16:39

Of course they'll come if somebody is being violent and threatening. Like I said, ring now on the non emergency number and state your case so they know it's a potentially violent situation if you need to call later.

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:39

No friends and family nearby, thats the main problem because neither does he so no-one to stay with apart from me. He fucks up his life with his drinking and gambling and I am the only one around to clear up the mess. I refuse he becomes abusive. His parents couldnt take it and fucked off abroad, just left me to it. Also scared of SS becoming involved if the police have to come. The whole thing is just such an awful, stressful, frightening mess.

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 13/03/2011 16:41

Don't be frightened of ss. Why would you be frightened of them? The non emergency police people can help you. They will also have contacts they can pass on to you about dv.

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:41

It is the can of worms that it opens if I call the police. He already has a criminal record, if anything happens, they will charge him, he will be arrested, it will affect his job, everything will be in turmoil, kids will be affected. But I feel sick at the thought of having him here.

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:43

Its the start of an awful road to call the police and I am scared of how hard it will all be and the consequences for all of us, most of all the dc .

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 13/03/2011 16:44

And the consequences for the dc of having a violent and threatening man in the house, refusing to leave?

He would only be arrested and subsequently charged if he broke the law. It's his choice to do that. You are NOT responsible for his job and life choices.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 16:46

Call the police non-emergency number to warn them. If he does do anything, then he deserves to be arrested and charged.

Is there nobody who could drive to you and come and stay for a few days.

TheSleepFairy · 13/03/2011 16:46

Tell him that, call him & tell him that he is not staying in you home & if he becomes violent etc he will leave you not option but to call the police & that will cause him more problems.
He may decide not to come at all if he is given an advance no.

Also call the non emergency number & log a call just incase.

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:46

Thank you for replying to me, I feel slightly calmer already, just being able to get it out and talk about it. Like I say I have no one here.

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 16:48

I have already told him I will do anything I need to keep him out but you don't know what he is like. So manipulative, so much pressure. I know I sound pathetic. Deep down I know that if I just keep saying "NO" and doing what needs to be done ie call the police etc I can keep him out, just so so hard to do.

OP posts:

Stac2011 · 13/03/2011 17:06

uyou have to keep him out as by letting him back in he gets a hold on you again. Definately call the local police station to voice your concerns. Has he purposely given up the flat so he can get back into your house? He does sound very manipulative. Stay strong for you and dc, the last thing they need is to be put in a bad living environment

DrRichandNimble · 13/03/2011 17:09

Dont worry abotu SS.

if they are around when the police are called it is an automatic referal to SS. but they are likely to just call/write to you. You can then explain that he is a bit of an arse and he refused to leave when visiting the children.
you took action to prevent your Dc from witnessing anything. you did all you could. there is nothing to fear from SS.

kylesmybaby · 13/03/2011 17:10

why is his name still on the tenancy? you should have had it removed if he hasn't been there for two years. it is (in their eyes) still his home until you ask your housing officer to take him off. if he is not being threatening i am not so sure the police can remove him from a home that he is a joint tenant.

Lucyinthepie · 13/03/2011 17:35

So, have you rung the police?

Hatesponge · 13/03/2011 17:41

I wouldn't let him in tbh.

Having had occasion to involve the police in the past with my Ex, and being told they couldn't make him leave the house as he and I both own it I think if I were you I'd not let him in, rather than let him in and not be able to get him out, iyswim.

I would say don't worry about SS, as has been said above you will probably just get a letter, or a phonecall at most, and you are clearly doing all you can so cant be criticised for that.

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 17:41

He will be threatening as sure as the day is long, he will be threatening, this is why I do not want him there. His name is still on the tenancy because he left a shed load of arrears when he went, which I am paying off and they will not remove his name from the tenancy.

Not rung the police yet, waiting to hear that he is definitely coming.

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonicelolly · 13/03/2011 17:42

hatesponge surely if he he is being aggressive and things are heated they must make him leave?

OP posts:

kylesmybaby · 13/03/2011 17:52

oh .. i understand better now. but if you are paying off the/his arrears anyway wouldn't it be better to get him removed anyway. that said, i dont think you can without his agreement. you have the fact that he rented somewhere else in your favour though. its a pain for you.

i do agree though it may be better not to let him in rather than trying to get him out if you think that may be his intention.

Stac2011 · 13/03/2011 17:54

think they would remove him but dont put yourself in that situation. Dont let him in for you and your dc's safety. Just cos his name is on the tenancy doesnt give him the right to come into your home

mamas12 · 13/03/2011 18:09

Don't let him. Phone th e non emergency number and log the situation.
Let him know that it is cancelled for tonight and if he turns up call the police DON'T LET HIM IN.
Don't open the door.

In fact could the dcs go to a friends for the evening or something so they wouldn't witness this?

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