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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to make a choice....

45 replies

awcrap · 12/03/2011 20:17

I'll try and give as much info as poss so I'm not drip feeding.

I'm in an open relationship with two guys (A and B). They both know about each other, A has a gf who is also aware, B doesn't. We are all grown up, everybody is aware of what's going on and there's no problem of anyone being deceived or tricked or anything.

My problem is that A has now told me that he's not happy with the arrangement as it stands. He wants to finish with his current gf and be with me exclusively. He won't tolerate an open relationship any more - with me in it at least.

So I have to make a choice. And I have no idea what it is I want to do. I really like both of them (not in love with either) for different reasons and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I keep thinking I should just withdraw totally from the situation and leave them all behind.

I have tried the 'pros' and 'cons' thing and I really am at a stalemate. One thing I do know is that if I keep seeing B, A will have nothing more to do with me. He has said he finds it difficult already to even talk to me when we're all in the same company and feels that it would be impossible to continue even a friendly relationship should I keep seeing B.

Crap.

And please, I don't need any advice on open relationships, why the hell I felt the need to get into this in the first place or any of that nonsense. What I think I'm looking for is maybe I'm missing something, being too close to the situation. Are there any other questions I need to be asking? Someone is going to get hurt, aren't they? If so, how do I minimise it?

Double crap.

Thanks for getting through this. I'm a name-changer. I think perhaps I'd like SGB's wise words. Maybe I should've just put her name in the title!

OP posts:

roses2 · 12/03/2011 21:05

Why is A wasting his girlfriends time if he doesn't want to be with her?

Original poster

awcrap · 12/03/2011 21:34

I don't know. I get the feeling he's not willing to finish with her until he's sure I'll be with him. Which I would say wasn't fair, but only if she didn't know about me.

A hazard of being in an open relationship I guess

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 12/03/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 12/03/2011 21:36

In which case ditch A.

zikes · 12/03/2011 21:36

Well, you're not in love with either, so end it.

TragicallyHip · 12/03/2011 21:42

It sounds like you are not too interested in being 'exclusive' with A.

Maybe you should have time away from both A and B to see how you feel?

And yes I think that someone will get hurt but have no advice how to avoid/minimise this sorry.

Good luck, it sounds a bit messy. I've been in a few messy situations myself so can sympathise

TheVisitor · 12/03/2011 21:44

I'd say that A is not capable of managing an open relationship and as you don't love him, then let him go.

shemademedoit · 12/03/2011 21:47

I'd simply find a replacement for A.....

Original poster

awcrap · 12/03/2011 21:53

I am of the 'ditch A' persuasion for exactly the reason BluddyMoFo said. It's like he's hedging his bets and if he REALLY wanted to be with me, he'd finish with her anyway and wait.

But I don't want to lose him as a friend......and that's what's going to happen. What's weird is that he was more of a 'mate', whereas B acts more like a boyfriend. He's the last person I would've expected to want exclusivity and even though we always made sure we knew what we were getting ourselves into, it seems he was holding back.

Think I should point out that A is the youngest of all of us too - not sure if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

TragicallyHip · 12/03/2011 22:03

Age doesn't make a difference.

I think you may have to face the fact that you will lose him as a mate.

He may have been alright with it at the time but has changed his mind. These things happen.

Original poster

awcrap · 12/03/2011 22:28

Thanks Tragically. You're right of course.

Hopefully if I make it clear that I have no problem whatsoever still being friends he might be in a position in the future to take me up on it.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/03/2011 22:29

Dump A. He is being a dick. Never mind the little voice whispering in your ear that open relationships are bad and you should commit to someone Or Else, A is basically telling you that if you won't do what you're told (engage in a monogamous relationship with him) then he will have a great big tanty and not be your friend any more.
He is entitled to his feelings (of wanting a monogamous relationship with you) but that doesn't mean you have to indulge him when you don't want to. His behaviour is the equivalent of the friend-you-don't-have-sex with suddenly declaring that he loves you and will not be friends any more unless you drop your knickers.
It may well be that A wants a committed relationship and will find it distressing to keep having sex with you when there is no monogamy, but his honorable option is to walk away and wish you well, not have a hissy fit and try to coerce you into giving him what he wants.

hairylights · 12/03/2011 22:32

Ditch A

TragicallyHip · 12/03/2011 22:39

No worries

I have lost a few male friends due to my stupidity and still feel remorseful about it.

He may just need a bit of time before he can be friends again, if he does decide he can't be now of course.

jezebelle · 12/03/2011 22:43

Find a C ??? :)

A doesn't sound too nice given he has a girlfriend and is treating her like poop in favour of you, not that yo're not worth it of course :)

sparkle12mar08 · 12/03/2011 22:48

Ditch A, find a new C. Yes you'll lose a mate but you seem very clear that you don't want exclusivity, so don't let him force you into it.

TragicallyHip · 12/03/2011 22:51

Oh I'm not saying you have been stupid btw, just that I know what it's like to lose a mate over something similar to this.

caramelwaffle · 12/03/2011 22:52

Ditch A. Stick with B and perhaps find a C (?)

Original poster

awcrap · 12/03/2011 23:30

at you all saying find a 'C'.

Thanks SGB - knew I could rely on you. Just didn't like to think he was throwing his toys out the pram when he couldn't get what he wanted.

Jezebelle, his gf knows, everyone (or I thought everyone) was well aware of what was going on. It may be that I'm so irresistible of course.....

Tragically, I'm a bit surprised he feels he wouldn't be able to be mates even if he withdrew from the relationship, given he was always the 'matey' one. He might come round yet.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 12/03/2011 23:44

Hmmm at one stage in my much younger years, I was seeing 2 men, slightly odd circumstances, c losed environment, they were on opposite shifts, I had more free time.
I completely assumed they both knew of the other, as did everyone else. Was not possible I thought to keep secrets.
I later found out that one of them was unaware and after I left it all came out. He was very very hurt :(
These things never work out IMO.

Xales · 12/03/2011 23:48

So A wants to dump his GF for you (but won't tell her because she is a handy second best), nice guy......

He wants you to stop having sex with B. Will that be enough? What happens if you carry on being friends with B going for drinks etc? Can't see A being happy with that to be honest. Wonder how long it would be before A says if you carry on seeing B on a friend only basis that he is unhappy.

So then you have to decide if you want a relationship with A (who you don't love) or a friendship with B.

What happens when he isn't happy with you being friends with C, D and E? You may have set a precedent.

I agree with most others. Dump A as a sexual partner. If he can be friends (without romantic pressure or demands) then be friends.

Find a C and enjoy B and C.

Oh and tell A's GF that he is a prick and why you are ending the open sex with him. It is so not fair on her being treated like this. She deserves better too.

caramelwaffle · 12/03/2011 23:55

Oooo macdoodle. I am nosey curious. You worked on a submarine perhaps (?)

"closed environment" (?)

macdoodle · 12/03/2011 23:57

close..........
they were engineers, I am a doctor ;)

caramelwaffle · 13/03/2011 00:00

Well, hoist up my knickers and call me Miss Marple

BitOfFun · 13/03/2011 00:05

Ditch A, see where it goes with B, and if all else fails, find C.

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