I have to make a choice....

[awcrap]

I'll try and give as much info as poss so I'm not drip feeding.

I'm in an open relationship with two guys (A and B). They both know about each other, A has a gf who is also aware, B doesn't. We are all grown up, everybody is aware of what's going on and there's no problem of anyone being deceived or tricked or anything.

My problem is that A has now told me that he's not happy with the arrangement as it stands. He wants to finish with his current gf and be with me exclusively. He won't tolerate an open relationship any more - with me in it at least.

So I have to make a choice. And I have no idea what it is I want to do. I really like both of them (not in love with either) for different reasons and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I keep thinking I should just withdraw totally from the situation and leave them all behind.

I have tried the 'pros' and 'cons' thing and I really am at a stalemate. One thing I do know is that if I keep seeing B, A will have nothing more to do with me. He has said he finds it difficult already to even talk to me when we're all in the same company and feels that it would be impossible to continue even a friendly relationship should I keep seeing B.

Crap.

And please, I don't need any advice on open relationships, why the hell I felt the need to get into this in the first place or any of that nonsense. What I think I'm looking for is maybe I'm missing something, being too close to the situation. Are there any other questions I need to be asking? Someone is going to get hurt, aren't they? If so, how do I minimise it?

Double crap.

Thanks for getting through this. I'm a name-changer. I think perhaps I'd like SGB's wise words. Maybe I should've just put her name in the title!

Xhales, I knew I had missed something. Should I take up his kind offer , this could escalate into me having no friends in case he thinks they are some kind of threat to the relationship.

I don't think it's my place to say anything to his gf about what he was thinking. That's up to him, although now I am questioning his motives for getting into this relationship. And while I feel she should know, I don't think I could bring this up with her without there being a lot of bad feeling. I really don't want that.

I'll talk to A, explain that I don't want to see him exclusively but would like to remain friends if possible. Then it's up to him.

Oh, and I'll find a 'C' that understands what he's getting himself into......

or just stick with B?

A needs a kick up the arse, especially with the 'If I don't get my way I will ahte you forever, waaaaaaaah!' crap. Tell him to fuck off. See B if you want to, or don't. I feel sorry for A's gf though, because I doubt she knows that she's a consolation fuck.

You don't need to make a choice at all in fact. You are happy with the status quo. If A is no longer happy with the situation as it stands, then it is he who needs to make a choice.

macdoodle, I don't really go looking for C, D, E or whatever . So just B it is atm.

Chickens, don't sugar the pill . I know if I say anything to her about her being his 'fall back' ( at 'consolation fuck') he would most likely deny saying anything to me at all and make me out to be the bad one. So I don't think there's much point tbh. If you can think of any way I could put it so it doesn't sound like I'm trying to split them up, then I'm all ears, but I think I'd be on a hiding to nothing there.

Erm, sorry. I'm tired and it makes me...direct I don't think his gf is your responsibility at all, so I wouldn't approach her tbh. It would be enough for me just to know how he is treating her. It tells you a lot about a person, I think.

Then again, I have no idea what he's said to her about all of this, although I don't think she would stand for being his 'cf'.

Udderly, that's what I meant about being too close to the situation to see clearly. And I was hoping that there might be a way for us all to remain friends. It's his choice, you're right, and I hope after I've spoken to him he'll realise he's been a bit 'foot stamping, my way' about it.

A is basically trying to cntrol your behaviour. Never a good idea to let a man get away with that.

No man gets to call these kind of shots. for the betrayal of his GF alone I'd look at A as something I'd stepped in.

He knows about B and now wants to dump the GF and for you to ditch B. that is your decision to make.

He wouldn't stop there with the ordering you about. the threats of hating you etc mean that there is no possibility of you remaining friends after this.

Don't get involved with the GF, it's not worth it. Dump A, wish him all the best and carry on with your life with B or C or D or E. Your life, your choice.

What Udderly said. I couldn't understand why you felt YOU have to make a choice - you certainly are too 'close' to the situation! A's saying he's no longer happy with the style of relationship you offer. Fair enough, that's him out of it then

Normally I'd say don't poke the girlfriend but, in this situation, I feel you should. Reason being that she is part of your relationship so deserves to know that it's changing. Maybe leave out the part where A says she's second-best ...

Good luck with C/D/E

You don't have any choice to make. You want an open relationship with A, B, C, D....blah blah. A doesn't any more.. It happens.

You will have to accept that he finds friendship too difficult, as his feeling towards you have deepened and he doesn't want what you can offer.

No relationships which involve 4 people can stay the same for ever- you need to accept that .

I cannot see any point in involving his GF - that's his call.

A sounds a total wanker tbh. If he can treat his current GF like that he can easily treat the next one the same. Ditch him, pronto.

And I totally agree with getting a C.

You have been having a relationship with A but you are not in love with him. At this point in time I dont see how being exclusive with him will deepen your feelings for him. He obv has stronger feelings for you than you have for him so i actually think that breaking it off with A would be the kindest thing to do. Any other option and he is going to feel led on and more hurt than if you just end it here.

Am i missing something here? A is not "treating his GF" in any way. They too have an open relationship- she knows about the OP and is happy with that.

What has happened is that he has now discovered that he would like to have a monogamous relationship with the OP and this will involve them both ditching the other people in this foursome.

I can see totally why he is keeping his options open-his relationship withhis girlfriend is not exclusive, she is happy with this, so if the OP doesn't want to be monogamous then he will carry on as before, with his GF, in a casual and non-committed relationship.

I just know that if I say anything to A's gf, it's going to get turned around that it's sour grapes because I wanted a relationship with A and I'm telling his gf in order to get her to back off - if that makes sense. I don't think it'll be taken in the manner it's meant and in a way I agree with cabbageroses AND needafootmassage but without knowing what he's said to her, if he's said anything, I don't think it's a good idea to involve her at all. Anyway, he's going to have to explain to her that he's not continuing the relationship the way it is and then it's up to them if they need to talk anything out or if she puts it down to 'one of those things'.

I'm going to break it off with A because it isn't fair on him, but I am sad that he feels he wouldn't be able to stay friends. I know all this makes him sound like a right shit, but I think he didn't realise his feelings would change and I don't want to give him false hope or keep him hanging on in case I change my mind.

SGB, I feel a bit like he's trying to control what I do but I'm not sure he realises that's what he's doing. I will point it out to him though.

OP- why assume he has said anything to his GF? Or needs to?

Surely nothing has changed- except his feelings have changed towards you he prefers you- but you won't have any of it so- back to square one for him and the GF. Surely?

She must be used to, and happy to be one of his "several" GF's- so why should he need explain anything?

I suspect that once you are out of the picture he will carry on seeing his GF as before, and the situation will only change if and when eitehr of them meet someone they want to be with exclusively.

You are best out of it - it's unrequited love on his part and he is hurt. you best butt out.

There's no way you could say anything to the girlfriend without it looking like you are shit-stirring. She's an adult, knows her relationship with A is not monogamous, and it's up to her what she does about it.

It's important to remember (for everyone) that everyone has the right to reject or end a relationship they don't want, even though sometimes people's feelings are hurt.

just dump "A" and find another one (or two..)

well I have finally come to the conclusion after many years of looking for mr right that I don't want to find him anymore. I would like a casual relationship but the trouble is men don't seem to want that.