What the hell is wrong with me??

[SoFly]

OK guys im new to MN and usually lurk in the pregnancy section wishing I was pregnant like the others! I know crazy huh?! I don't know why Im so maternal and it really bothers me. Im in my final year at uni 22 yrs old been with my DP for over 2 years ( met him at uni) he recently asked me to move in with him and so now we are looking for a place together. Im rather apprehensive about getting a place with him because he tends to be a bit 'flaky' and likes to keep his options open but now is slowly starting to change for example he is the one who suggested we live together. Me on the other hand I grab every opportunity with both hands and if something feels right to me I just go with it. I have recently taken my implant out because I believed it was giving me problems (chronic nausea). When we have sex we try to use condoms but (this is possibly tmi sorry) his penis is rather big so often the condom splits or gets lost which is why I got the implant in the first place. The other day we had unprotected sex twice for the first time in ages and I never got the morning after pill. For some crazy reason I have it in my head that I want to have a baby I don't know what's wrong with me I hate myself every day for it and now I possibly could be pregnant due to this mistake. What also puzzles me is why is he letting me do this? He knew I never took the morning after pill previously at the beginning of our relationship when had unprotected sex we both made sure that I took the morning after pill.
I just need some advice. should I seek help? is it right to be this maternal? I'm so scared/ confused

SoFly

Hi SoFly:

Have you posted before? (Some of what you say about your circumstances is familiar).

There's nothing wrong with wanting to start a family, but I would say that it is something you both need to be sure it's what you (both) want to do. Have you actually talked to DP about parenthood? Is he ready for it - you don't seem convinced so far.

On a practical note, I would say finish your degree and get an adequate roof over your head first.

well, are you in any position to be bringing up a baby? do you fully understand what it entails? and are you prepared not just to have a cute baby for a while but to have a 3 yr old? a 5 yr old? a 10 year old?

it isn't about having a baby and being pregnant, it's about having a child, for the rest of your life.

if you do fall pregnant how will this affect uni and your chosen career?

if you are not 100% sure about having a baby then I suggest you go and discuss other forms of contraception with your GP, because it isn't really fair to bring a baby into the world with a "flaky" dad and a mum who isn't sure about the whole thing.

I am going to ignore your ages, because I know some fantastic young mums, although I think without exception all of them wished they had waited until they were a little older. But that side of things i don't think is an issue at all.

it IS normal to feel incredibly maternal, there is nothing wrong with you, but it would IMO, be sensible to wait until you are settled in a relationship and home

I would say (wise old bat that I am) that he is not allowing your careless behaviour in a conscious way, he just thinks it's your responsibility not to get pregnant.

Because you want it to be more than that you will interpret it to mean he would be cool with you having a baby or even that it means he wants you to get pregnant.. It doesnt, he just isnt taking responsibility.

• That's my reading between the lines and speaking from experience point of view by the way. I could be wrong theres a first time for everything

Also, you're not even graduated yet, you've probably never known a lovely disposable income, working over time and getting ahead in your career because you don't have to dash of and get the kids every day, that conversation with the love of your life where you both say to each other 'let's have a baby together' safe in the knowledge that the man shares your views on education, discpline, split of household duties etc etc...

Come on, this isnt a good idea.

You're playing russian roulette wrt getting pregnant by a guy who you are in two minds about moving in with because he is flaky?

Have you lost your mind?

Just wondering who the flaky one is here! Having a child is a huge responsibility and you sound as if you haven't grown up enough yet to handle this. You can't even take contraception seriously!

Theres nothing wrong with having a maternal urge, it's natural but I think in your current circumstances you would regret it, or at least regret the choice of father.

Get to the GP for some different contraception and wait a while.

are you really going to listen to any advice given?

i have behaved similarly in the past, with hindsight i think i was seriously unhappy/ unfulfilled, it resulted in 2 pregnancies of course. because that is what unprotected sex eventually leads to, unless you have fertility problems

it's seems a mysterious and slightly unbelievable occurence, pregnancy..can it really be the outcome of sex? what will my life be like if i have a child?

wake up and get a grip tonight! the reality is that parenthood is horrible with the wrong co-parent, being a single parent may be better but the best you should yearn for is to wait for the man who will be the life partner you deserve and the father you want for your children then go for it

perhaps it's your present situation, final year at uni- uncertain future, realisation that you're ready to move on from boyfriend, that is making you yearn for the 'simple life' of a baby..

but it's hell at times having a life that's patching up bad choices and making the best of difficult situations.

do yourself a massive favour, start taking contraception seriously, buy some larger condoms (my dh is huge and durex fetherlite are fine, it's probably extra lubrication you're requiring so buy some lube/ ky)
and wait until you're in love/ already settled/ had your years living together and are both ready for a baby

Is it a maternal urge or is it to fill a gap in your life?

I think you need to have a good think about what you want as your future. Do you have ambitions for travel or career? Or do you not have any plans and a life with a baby looks cosy and safe? If you were to be pregnant, you could very well end up a single mother and that can be a hard old slog.

Do you really want to have your life entwined with this man forever, because even if he doesn't step up to the mark, he would still be the child's father.

I really don't think your boyfriend is giving you the green light to get pregnant, I just think he's got his head in the sand.

Thank you for your very honest comments.
meditrina I have posted before but only replied to a comment

Im not sure you understand how I am feeling sorry ive confused u all as well as myself. I DONT WANT to feel all maternal even though I have it in my head that I WANT a baby I hate myself for it because we are no where near ready. I just cant seem to get the idea out of my head though so in answer to your question AyeRobot yes, it seems I have lost my mind. In regards to contraception, I have been advised to refrain from taking any contraception for now by the doctors because they think it makes me seriously ill. As ive been taking contraception since i was 15 yrs old due to really bad periods they want to see how I feel without it. Hence the reason why we are using condoms but they always seem to split. So its not like we aren't using anything at all. Maybe I should stop having sex for a while until its all sorted .

We both have good jobs as well as study part time and have a decent income/ savings. when i finish uni ive decided to take a year out to relax and do my own thing as ive been in education for a while. Its just that we both want to travel see different things before we start a family but yet the idea still remains in my head... babies

SoFly

"What also puzzles me is why is he letting me do this? He knew I never took the morning after pill previously at the beginning of our relationship when had unprotected sex we both made sure that I took the morning after pill."

• Why is he "letting you do this" ? Because it's so much EASIER.

If you do get pregnant he can walk away. Seriously - the baby will be growing in YOUR body, not his. It's YOU that will not be able to easily avoid spending the next 18 years worrying, not him.

Women get pregnant, men don't.

Please don't misinterpret "can't be arsed any more / not my problem / I was a bit pissed and can't remember much, so best to forget it happened, eh?" as "I used not to want a baby but now I really really do want one [but haven't actually said anything to my girlfriend about it]"

How the hell do you think 'it's not like we aren't using anything at all' when by your own admission they always split?
I think you need to get serious. This behaviour will result in pregnancy sooner or later, regardless of how far your head is shoved in the sand

also "why is he letting me do this?"

well... yes, he ought to use a condom if he doesn't want a child, but "letting" you do it? he doesn't control you or own you, and if he did that would be a far bigger problem than "letting" you choose not to take the MAP.

If you're using condoms that break routinely, then you are using nothing at all.

How about the cap or coil?

and yes, it IS like you aren't using anyth9ing at all, because a split condom won't just make you a bit less pregnant!

if you don't want to feel maternal and know you are not ready for a baby then take some fucking control and make sure you have reliable birth control

you could get a copper coil, that has no hormones in and shouldn't make you ill and would prevent condom problems
otherwise look for larger condoms or a different make.
durex work fine for us.

seriously. this isn't just about you, it's potentially about a whole other person

Omg huni!!! You remind me so much of what i was like before i got pregnant with my daughter aged 21!! All i ever dreamed of was having the house,the man& the baby. I know that this is going to sound awful& i wouldnt change her for the world but i totally regret it!!!
Its not just about having a baby because you want to be a mum huni,its so much more than that!
It aint easy your whole life just stops, no social life,no romantic time with your partner,no money and also your figure goes up shit creek!! Please dont hate me for saying this but being a mum is probably the hardest and most shittyest job ever and thats before ive got started on the nappies!!!
Please huni take my advice and go back on the implant until your older xxxxx

quickname Of course im going to listen to advice i wouldnt of posted if i wasn't i dont like wasting time.. thanks for the advice on condoms we will try them out

zikes I know exactly what i want to do in life and its been going to plan so far im not scared very ambitious which is why this maternal urge confuses me.

In regards to my DP i love our relationship i love him and i dont really mind him being 'flaky' as we are still young and in uni anyway like i said he has changed a lot but because of past relationships i need to feel secure i guess, but in the years i have known him and the 2 yrs we have been together he hasnt let me down and has always come through for me.. i just have to remember that.

trust me, maternal urges are normal. but if you don't want a baby right now then you DO need to just try and ignore it and get on with other stuff.

personally i went through phases at a similar age (and younger) of feeling like i desperately wanted a baby. I didn't have one though and it just came and went. i did go through a few bad times where i would look online at what car seats and pushchairs i would choose

so i am sure it is normal. but you do need to take some responsibility for yourself. there are options on contraception and you definitely should look into them

what everyone else has already said.

don't hate yourself for feeling mega-broody - just get some self control.

thisisyesterday like i said ive been advised not to use any contraception for a while by my docs so i might just refrain from sex.

For the last time i dont want a baby but the idea is always in my head. How could i put it any simpler HEAD: BABY.. HEART: NO BABY
BooBooGlass By recognising my mistake I doubt it will end in pregnancy as I just suggested I will refrain from sex if a different sort of larger condoms dont work.

curleywurley2 i am aware of all of that my mum had me very young and most my friends have kids and are engaged and tell me all the time

I just want to deal with my head right now guys i know its stupid. That the thing no matter how much i hear the horror stories of how bad it will be the idea is still in my head and I want it out!

Your actions are the actions of someone who wants to get pregnant. You have had unprotected sex and not bothered with the morning after pill. Again, not the actions of someone who doesn't want to get pregnant. You're playign with fire, you really are. Maybe you feel left out if all your friends have dc? I don't know. You might benefit from some counselling though, rather than 'accidentally' getting pg

Everyone probably thinks im stupid and im not sure why you have the idea that my DP will not support me maybe from your own experiences but i wouldnt be with him if he was so 'bad'

tigana your right I really do need self control

Your partner doesn't have your best interests at heart. No way. I forgot a shed load of pills recently due to a bereavement, I just forgot to take them. I told my partner and he has said we won't risk it. Because he respects me enough to not put me in the position of an unwanted pregnancy. You really do not want to find yourself in the position of having to decide wether to have a termination or not. That will test your relationship. WHy put yourself through that? Another thing, why have you been trying to use condoms if you've been on the implant? Presumably you've both been sti tested and are faithful to each other?

I find it mindboggling that your gp said not to use contraception, knowing you're a sexually active young woman in a relationship.

There is the femidom and the cap with spermicide, which would work for you if changing your brand of condom doesn't help.

BooBooGlass Maybe i do feel left out. I never wanted the condom to split but in regards to the morning after pill i dont know why i never got it that was really stupid i just feel so ill when i do take any form of contraception and then my head was like you want a baby and my heart was like no you dont so stupid. Its not that i want to get pregnant its just that im very confused.But like i said either i find better condoms or i dnt have sex.

agree zikes

can understand saying not to use any hormonal form of contraception (ie, pill, implant, mirena coil) but i can see no reason why the OP would be advised not to use contraception at all.
if you can use condoms you could use a cap, femidom or copper coil surely

i suspect perhaps the OP was hoping we'd all say "oh yes, DO have a baby it'll be fine" becuase she's got awfully defensive now we've all said she shouldn't do it