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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

Please Help - I think my DH left me last night - I dont know what to do

42 replies

busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:19

title says it all really

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doormat · 23/10/2005 10:22

are u ok
wanna chat

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:23

Hi doormat - Im feeling desparate actually - no idea what to think or do

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trace2 · 23/10/2005 10:24

oh sorry ,did you expect it

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doormat · 23/10/2005 10:24

hello babe, did you have a fight

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:25

No i had absolutely no idea whatsoever - terrible shock

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SecondhandRose · 23/10/2005 10:26

What happened busy?

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doormat · 23/10/2005 10:27

has he just not come home
could he of flaked out at a mates

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trace2 · 23/10/2005 10:27

you can talk to us , it may help you

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:28

No no fight I was sitting on the bed folding the mountain of washing - great Friday night Huh!
When all of a sudden he walked in looking very thoughtful - said he had something to tell me- oh oh i thought - He said "I am having an affair" Just like that

He was so cold like an iceburg

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trace2 · 23/10/2005 10:30

oh busybusybee am sorry, did he say who with? have you a close friend near by, someone who could help.

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:30

I always thought we were meant to be together - Until yesterday despite hassles due to work etc i thought he felt like that too - I just assumed that things would work out, that we could work through things together.

I suppose thats part of the problem - I assumed

I also trusted, kept marriage vows etc - apparantly that doesnt mean much to him anymore

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:31

No not really - Trace2 - I feel so alone - so glad i have MN to help me

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trace2 · 23/10/2005 10:33

dont blame yourself, its nothing you've done. i know i have been through this myself.

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doormat · 23/10/2005 10:35

i am so sorry busybee, all i can say is that you are going to need people around you for support
you will feel angry,upset,devastated, this is all normal
let the anger out by punching a pillow and shout at it
but most important of all is to look after yourself
i am here most of day as i am not at home if u wanna chat
take care sweety
hugs
xxx

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:38

It seems that he has been having an affair for the last four months - He told me he didnt deliberatley seek - "it just happened" I dont know if that makes me feel better or not

When i said who is more important - me or her????????
He said "I am most important - It is time i put myself first - I need time to think. I think it best that i go away for a while to think about things - on my own"

He convinced me that he had found "a bolt hole" in a local city - where he would go for a while to be alone and think about things - decide what is most important

Said he would call in a couple of days

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trace2 · 23/10/2005 10:42

ujust talk on here whenever we will listen

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:50

The worst bit right now is that i believed i was going away on his own - Now i am not so sure

He told me he met the woman in question - Lets call her Denise in a town called C.
He told me he was going to go to a bolt hole in S - I stupidly believed he was going to a hotel or something

Today I had a rummage through his coat pockets and found a couple of telephone numbers

One is for a mobile - i have telephoned it - It was switched off

THe other is for a number in the town called S - I called this number too - An irish voice called Denise has an answer phone - So it would seem the line he spun me was all lies -

Im convinced he is with her now

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anorak · 23/10/2005 10:57

Hello busybusybee. So sorry you are having to deal with this terrible shock.

You must be feeling totally without a say in this. He's just presented you with it and gone, not giving you a chance to defend your viewpoint on the subject. To me that would be the worst thing about it. The lack of any chance to influence what happens. This is not fair - his first commitment should be to you, you're married with children.

I don't believe these things 'Just happen'. They can't happen without two people making them happen.

You need time to adjust to this new information which will make you feel anger, despair, fear, sadness...your thoughts will twist and turn and it will take you some time to get around to knowing how you want to handle things.

In the meantime I suggest you keep talking on mumsnet as there are lots of people here who will be happy to have you bounce your thoughts off them.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to as well? You need to feel you're not alone.

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 10:59

Thankyou everybody for your support - Im going now cos ds is clammering for attention

I do have real life friends to talk to - but limited - especially ATM as i have so few details to go on

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anorak · 23/10/2005 11:01

What area do you live in?

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busybusybee · 23/10/2005 11:02

Really really grateful for your post Anorak - I have tried hard to help you in the past under my old name! - Remember the letters to dd idea? (desparate to keep new name secret as mum found out the old one)
I hope things are better for you too now - I read a thread of yours a while ago when you were struggling - I hope things are better now

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anorak · 23/10/2005 11:06

Yes...I remember. Thanks for your help. Things are much better thanks. But forget about that, we're here to talk about you. I'm here for you and will keep checking this thread. Just wondered if you lived near enough to meet sometime.

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anorak · 23/10/2005 12:07

Tell you what, you can always CAT me if you're nervous about being unmasked. Don't hesitate.

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benbenandme · 23/10/2005 12:34

sorry to hear your news - I do know exactly what it feels like when it comes out of the blue - dp did it to me three months and 1 day ago. Slightly different in that he says there is no-one else involved, but same feelings of shock, anger, disbelief, confusion etc..

for the next few days you will feel numb, and you will have to put all your effort into looking after yourself and kid(s) and force yourself to keep eating !! I lost a stone in 2 weeks because I just couldn't face eating anything.

As much as everyone will tell you not to keep thinking it all through, it is impossible not to. However for the next week or so its going to be hell but you will get through it! There are loads of us on here who have gone through it/ are still going through it. Please keep posting, it helped me loads!!

Thinking of you and sending big hugs!!!

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Disbelief · 23/10/2005 13:43

Busybee, my heart goes out for you. I went through this in July and although we are sorting things out we are still going through it.

Please feel free to cat me - I know exactly what you are going through and will be happy to support you in anyway I can.

Thanks

Flip

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