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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how soon is too soon

31 replies

poissonfou · 11/03/2011 21:11

i have no fixed judgement on this am just interested in others' opinions;close friend was widowed 9 months ago-suddenly,left with 2 small dc,she and dp were very happy. after going through all the (ongoing) grief etc recently she has been craving the intimacy and sexual side of things and has started a sexual thing with a guy(seems nice & sensitive to the situation)she is not broadcasting this and keeping it to herself as she is concerned that people with judge.i am concerned for her mental well being and vulnerability,i simply don't want to see her life complicated any more than it already is,anyone have any experience in this area

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FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 21:12

It is not too soon if both parties are happy.

perfumedlife · 11/03/2011 21:16

It's good of you to care about her, and it's what a good friend does well, but perhaps you are best just keeping that concern hidden from her right now, until you feel she needs it.

She deserves comfort, and she seems to be handling it from what you say. Just be there when she needs you.

Original poster

poissonfou · 11/03/2011 21:25

am keeping quiet on my concerns,i do feel she needs a bit of male attention,to feel needed and just some fun!i have no one to talk to about this as i have been sworn to secrecy,my deep doan feeling is that it will be cathartic for her

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Original poster

poissonfou · 11/03/2011 21:26

down !

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foxtrottango · 11/03/2011 21:32

Someone I know got into a relationship with someone else less than 4 months after her husband died. She spent almost a year with this guy before ending it as he wouldnt say he loved her. She met another guy a couple of weeks after ending that relationship and married the new guy within 2 months.

She must have been very lonely on her own but I do worry for her. Rightly or wrongly I get uneasy that things have moved so quick. Of course Ive not said any of this to her, she is clearly happier with someone. I know how desperately unhappy she was when her husband died and Im glad shes happier. I think her husband dying so suddenly and so young gave her the attitude of life being too short to mess about, if you see happiness you should go for it!

Original poster

poissonfou · 11/03/2011 21:39

fow-thank you,life is too short,she feels secure in the love that she shared with dp and really needs the contact with someone and if he happens to be sensitive(and quite fit!) then perhaps she needs to carry on regardless,god knows what i'd do in her situation

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merrywidow · 11/03/2011 21:39

I was also widowed just over a year ago, though I had a very difficult relationship with my H. Nonetheless, I still went through the grieving process.

I am with another DP now, whom I actually knew for many years and this relationship began fairly soon after my H passed away - I know I've been judged all over the place however I don't actually care as those that judge should have walked a mile in my shoes first.

Be there for her if she needs you; under the circumstances its unlikely she would have entered into a new relationship if she didn't feel ready.

As long as her new friend is a decent bloke it will probably be good for her.

merrywidow · 11/03/2011 21:41

Oh yeah I forgot to add, when you see someone close die quickly, it sort of focuses the mind and you realise that you have to live the life you have left

Original poster

poissonfou · 11/03/2011 21:56

merry-i'm glad that you have found someone to be happy with,that is the main thing,life can be too short,if she is lucky enough to find someone who is half the man her dp was then she's very fortunate and should enjoy

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commeuneimage · 12/03/2011 00:57

She runs the risk of being hurt, perhaps, but it is probably doing wonders for her confidence, morale and zest for life. Good for her.

FourFortyFour · 12/03/2011 08:35

merry - maybe with having a difficult relationship with your late husband you were further on the moving on road.

merrywidow · 12/03/2011 09:46

Fourtyfour; the grieving process still takes place and all the stages are passed through.

What you also have to go through, if the relationship was bad, is not to fall into a guilt trap because you are relieved that you no longer have to deal with the person.

I guess I did move on quickly, but there is that sense of it could have been me, life is there one minute, gone the next.

FourFortyFour · 12/03/2011 09:48

Of course, and I apologise if you thought I was making light of your grief. I wasn't and wouldn't ever want to do so.

merrywidow · 12/03/2011 10:02

no offense taken fortyfour

moodymama · 12/03/2011 10:18

My FIL was widowed suddenly 5 years ago. Said he'd never be interested in women again. 7 weeks later her went on holiday with his new love who he then married less than a year after being widowed. She too was widowed just a few months before he was.
It has worked out well for them but obviously was a huge shock to the rest of the family. So, in some ways it's never too soon.

lazarusb · 12/03/2011 16:19

Love doesn't fit a timetable. A friend of mine was widowed and was devastated but met someone quite soon after. People judged. They have been happily married for a few years now, even had a baby together. I think it depends on the individual tbh. She's lucky to have a good friend in you but I think only she can judge it.

280169 · 12/03/2011 16:24

i think merry widow has it right
my bro lost his wife an met and married someone else soon after, they are still together 20 yrs on he loved his first wife dearly and as merry said until you have walked a mile in their shoes yu cant really say

its great hat she has such suport from you though hopefully things will work out for her

ostracized · 12/03/2011 17:32

Hi poissonfou and everyone else
My mum died relatively young at 63, four years ago. My dad was showing interest in her school friend 3 or 4 months later and they are now together. I don't know how long it took for them to get together as my sister and I are not very good at talking to him about this, but he was interested in her VERY soon after my Mum passed away. My Mum and Dad had a good relationship and it is quite hard for my sister and I (especially sister who is up in arms about it) to understand how someone could "replace" our mother, but I think he needs the friendship and "life", and the fact that this is my Mum's school friend keeps my Mum's memory alive. He is in no way trying to "wipe out" or replace his previous life, he just knows he is never going to get it back and wants nonetheless to carry on living. I also think that the grieving process and the having been witness to death (he was with her when my Mum died) heighten our need to feel and be alive.

cabbageroses · 12/03/2011 17:34

is it any differnt from being divorced or splitting up?
In many ways it is easier as although there is grief, there is no blame or fault attached.

And as someone else said, it focuses the mind on the shortness of life and mortality.

it's not as if the bereaved forget their former partners, just because they meet someone new.

Goodluck to her- and don't be judgy- be pleased.

cabbageroses · 12/03/2011 17:35

p.s. My MIL began something with an old flame weeks after my FIL died.

FourFortyFour · 12/03/2011 18:05

I read that people who have had happy marriages are more likely to get together with someone new quite soon after their loss.

myfriendflicka · 12/03/2011 18:08

It's completely different to divorce, cabbagerose.

And it certainly isn't easier. How dare you.

Don't post ignorant shite, go and perhaps you should go and look at the bereavement section to see how "easy" it is

Original poster

poissonfou · 12/03/2011 21:13

thank you again for your input,interesting fourfortyfour,as the one thing she could say without doubt after dp died was that she knew he loved her...cabbagegoose i really am not being judgey,i care for her deeply and want her to be happy,it is nothing like a seperation,there is no sense to what happened and i think there is always guilt attached to grief. to feel like you've met the love of your life,to lose that love,it can be hard to understand how you might encounter love again

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BitOfFun · 12/03/2011 21:17

Fuck me, cabbagerose- your arse is going to be raw after that clanger! Pretty bloody trite and insensitive, don't you think?

textualhealing · 12/03/2011 21:20

I remember reading somewhere that when someone has been in a really good relationship and they are widowed, they are more likely to get into another relationship more quickly. It is about understanding and want to re-capture all the good things about marriage/relationships. Those in unhappy relationships are more likely to stay single. I say it's a strong indication of the happy life your friend had before and would say good luck to her.

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