I regret having children

[SlowlyDyingInside]

That's just it, really. I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. I gave up my career to become a SAHM. I love them but in an abstract way, because I have to and they don't deserve anything else. I do as much as I can with them, but I take no pleasure in them. My 3 yo in particular drives me to tears most days, and I rue the day she was born, my life has been beyond miserable ever since. I struggle to keep my temper with her and end up yelling at her. I feel like I'm turning into my own (completely useless) parents. All I can think about every day is killing myself. I feel trapped and can't see any way out other than just walking away/disappearing and leaving them to their father.

Am I the only one? Is it normal to regret having children? I don't have PND, btw. I did after my eldest and I think that's part of why I have difficulties with her. My baby, who was not planned, is an absolute doll, I sometimes wonder how life would have turned out if I'd had him first.

Not trying to be controversial and I don't want saving, I just feel lonely, I've got nobody to talk to about this.

brilliant post otch.

Slowly, I think most women feel some of how you feel some of the time and many probably feel a lot of what you feel most of the time but all of how you feel all of the time is outwith the realms of normal and you need help now.

Its nice for your husband to love the domesticity and lack in understanding of your inability to be content with your lot when he continues in his career and dips his toe in domesticity as and when. I sympathise with you but feel like kicking him up the arse!!

Staying at home full time is not being a good mum when it makes you angry, intolerant, hateful, miserable and resentful towards your children. Forget martha bloody stewart - how about small steps which can be achieved within days - get your children a childminder/nanny/nursery for a few days a week. And reach out tonight for help.

and p.s. I have 3 small children and a husband who works similar hours and can't imagine not having time for a shower and believe me - I am no martha flamin stewart. Its more likely to be a symptom of your depression than a lack of time.

I wish you and your children the very best of luck. You will get beyond this.

fantastic post by otch there.

SDI - you really need to change things, NOW.
You cannot go on like this. Get some help with the childcare ASAP - nanny, au pair, day care, childminder, pre-school - whatever - just GET IT SORTED.

Who is benefiting from your FT care of your DC? Not you, for sure - and if you're telling your 3yo to fuck off, not her either. The BEST parenting decision you could make right now is to give yourselves a break from each other. Give your DC a chance to be away from you, to learn to socialise with other DC without you there. Give yourself a chance to have some downtime, to have your shower and do those things you currently feel you have no time to do and DO IT NOW.

If your DH has any complaints about it, tell him that HE can look after them for a day and bugger off. Leave him to it - I guarantee he'll have an emergency baby sitter in by lunchtime, seeing as how his time on the computer is so precious to him ( about that on your behalf, btw - what kind of man sees his wife struggling and goes and fecking hides? not much of a man, that's for sure)

You can turn this around, you can - you just need to make the decision that you are GOING to.

Have you told your dh that you swore at dd, OP ? Becasue you should, becasue he really doesn't seem to be caring for you. And we don't want to give him any more opportunity , for him to deny knowing, how serious this situtaion currently is.

Many Mn'ers will scorn you for swearing, as we do know its wrong,. But you know what, there are many of us who have done it. And admitted it. I did it myself.

I was recovering from a cs, sleep deprived with a ds2 who did not sleep at night, first 3 months, awake on and off, nearly hourly. turned out tongue tied. my diabetes went mad. hypoing and ambulance called twice. Ds1(5) being more difficult, which year later turned out he was Aspergers, even though I'd gone to the GP and begged for help twice, and been told to 'pull my socks up'. And I shouted at baby , "Fuck you, what could possibly be wrong Fucking NOW," at 3am. I know my dh was horrified.

And I wasn't even depressed. My Edinburgh test was actually quite low.

People are horrified at swearing. as they should be, but give yourself a break, you are not the first or last to have done this.

BUT, you do need help. and I am startting to get a bit cross with you. Have you actually done ANYHTING yet. Becasue there is NO excuse for you not to have, to be honest. WE have ALL told you, to get some childcare sorted. HAVE YOU DONE THIS ?

I'm sorry to be be blunt, but the time for wallowing is long gone. You need help and support. And this needs to be actioned. And your last post said NOTHING of anything you had actually implemented since this thread began.
Please, please come back OP and tell us that you have atleast done SOMETHING to help this situation.

Re the swearing:

OP, if you are someone who doesn't use that sort of language and then screamed it at DC, then it is more worrying than the scenerio where swearing doesn't offend you and you happily use swear words in conversations with adults and you just used it at DC in a moment of anger.

Either way, you do need to find some support but don't blow the swearing out of proportion. If I am having a normal conversation with DH, I will happily use F word and C word and he will too. Other people frown on the words ever being used so it's hard to know where you are on this spectrum!

OP why did you have children? i'm just wondering if the reasons you had children could give you some comfort now? i mean surely those reasons still stand.

i have to say i don't have children and am so pleased with my decision. in a phase of confusion i once convinced myself it was a good idea and got pregnant as soon as we tried and became horribly depressed and emotionally overwhelmed by the reality of what was to come. luckily nature took care of it with a miscarriage. i know that it's not a very pc thing to say but underneath the emotional rollercoaster of the miscarriage i've never been so relieved at something in my life.

however you must clearly have wanted children or you woundn't have had two of them?

I was wrong to have children. I wish I hadn't. Becasue I grew up in this loving, balanced environment, I assumed that as dh and I were sensible, 'loving with firm but fair boundaries' style of parenting would result in us all being happy. With some hard work and some tricky spots along the way.
After ds2, I realised I had an Sn child, debilatating diabetes, and a ds2 who was a sweet pickle but also hard work in a different way.
Great Unrealistic Expectations ?
I never realised it was going to be like this.

Maybe if parenting turns out the way you expected then great. I think, for some, it doesn't.

stdi and speedy - please don't misunderstand me.

I'm not blaming your children - how could I? they are the innocents. I am saying that very small children are extremely demanding and it is something that there is a slight omerta about. Nobody tells you how relentles it can be. I just think that you shouldn't feel like a complete failure if you find parenting hard, especially parenting small children, as I think it is quite common.

stdi - I think you need to get some time to yourself, and think about the kind of mother you would like to be, I mean really think about it and believe that you can do it.

Slowlydyinginside,

Why did your thread end so abruptly? How are you feeling a couple of years later? I hope you feel brighter and that things have taken a more positive turn.

slowly I feel like you a lot of the time. I work full time in a difficult job and am high functioning. I've just finally been referred to some proper help. My dd is 5 and I love her with all my heart - our journey to having her was hard and she was much wanted - but life is most definitely harder and I crave time to myself and sleep. I don't think we are that unusual - I just think it's a really taboo subject. Hope things get better soon for you.

6 year ZOMBIE THREAD.

Sorry.