I regret having children

[SlowlyDyingInside]

That's just it, really. I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. I gave up my career to become a SAHM. I love them but in an abstract way, because I have to and they don't deserve anything else. I do as much as I can with them, but I take no pleasure in them. My 3 yo in particular drives me to tears most days, and I rue the day she was born, my life has been beyond miserable ever since. I struggle to keep my temper with her and end up yelling at her. I feel like I'm turning into my own (completely useless) parents. All I can think about every day is killing myself. I feel trapped and can't see any way out other than just walking away/disappearing and leaving them to their father.

Am I the only one? Is it normal to regret having children? I don't have PND, btw. I did after my eldest and I think that's part of why I have difficulties with her. My baby, who was not planned, is an absolute doll, I sometimes wonder how life would have turned out if I'd had him first.

Not trying to be controversial and I don't want saving, I just feel lonely, I've got nobody to talk to about this.

OP I can totally relate to you. I've got 3 DCs (5, just 4 and 1) and I think I may have been depressed for years. Like you I went to an Oxbridge Uni and gave up my career to be a SAHM, sort of accidentally as we moved and then had more kids so never got around to going back to work. I've had PND twice and now have acute anxiety. My GP thinks I'm just not cut out for the domestic life and it's making me ill being at home. Think he may be right. I too scream and my kids sometimes and then hate myself afterwards. Can't stand that I'm like it - really horrible sometimes. I'm permanently annoyed and really dislike myself but really, really wish I could be a better mum. I'm thinking of going back to work now (I was self employed) - but a couple of mornings a week. Like you I find the groundhog day existence overwhelming and tedious beyond belief. I think a lot of people feel like that - some are just more honest about how they feel than others. I really worry most about the mothers who pretend it's all sunshine and roses - looking after young children is challenging and hard, and anyone who says otherwise is lying in my book. Good luck x

Just one quick reply for now.

You said: "Ultimately, I am royally fucked up in the head, and this is why I should never have had children (or got married for that matter..."

I say: Bollocks.

We all bring our 'issues' into everything we do. What makes you think you're less deserving of good things than anyone else? Such tosh.

Secondly, so you wanted to be like Martha Stewart?!! This is a woman whose TV audience applauded her for folding a bedsheet. For folding a bloody bedsheet. I ask you.

i knew your children would be pre-school age.

it's not you sweetheart - it's them.
it's bloody hard boring scary lonely frustrating exhausting repetitive thankless being a mum to very small children. Some women, but i think very few, seem to manage without losing little bits of themselves every day, but I think most of us find it a struggle.

My advice would be to try not too take it all too seriously. Let it go with both hands.

and get some time by yourself.

I didn't have a chance to read the whole thread OP but I've read your posts. I was just wondering, have you ever tried medication? I'm not saying it'll solve your problems but it might give you that boost that'll help you get in the right frame of mind to sort things out. I suffered from low level depression since my late teens which blew up into major depression last year. I used to be very very anti medication, especially as my original training is as a psychologist (ironically). However I was so unwell that it really was my only option - I was so depressed that I wasn't able to talk so counselling was out of the question. Over a few months it slowly cleared the worst of the clouds so that I was able to talk things through with my DH and a counsellor and really sort them out once and for all. I honestly think the medication repaired some faulty wiring in my brain if that makes sense and even though I've been under a lot of pressure recently (not least with the birth of my son 10 weeks ago) I haven't come near to suffering depression again. I'm not saying medication is the cure-all by any means, and you may well have tried it with no success, but if you haven't then it may be something to look into.

BTW I was only on meds for 6 months and had no trouble coming off them.

Huni i totally agree in what your saying,my daughters three and i too also love her but i feel like i never bonded with her! i scream&shout at her and then hate myself for it!!
i just wish that i could be a better mum, i begrudge the fact that my life has come to a halt but yet my husband works and also trains as a body builder and does what ever he feels like,while i just run around after our daughter and do house work!!!
ive got to admit though that talking to my g.p has made things alot easier as im now on anti depressants and have had counsilling sessions and even though i have bad days there no where as frequent as what they were!! just please go to your g.p huni i promise you that you don't have to live your life like this. hope your o.k xxx

applauds BaskingSeals post

When DD was three I used to lock myself in my room for respite.

Unlike her brother and sister, she was incapable of playing by herself.
It is hard having a moaning shadow every moment of every day.

She's 10 now and so much fun to be with.
It passes OP. It really does.

But in the meantime you need to get out of the house for a bit. You really really do.

Hi SDI,
Looking forward on your behalf to the day when you can change your MN name and are feeling a whole lot happier.

I bet and hope that in 12 months time, you'll be reading someone else's post and offering them inspiring words about how you're coming through this and are turning your life around.

I know it will be a long journey but I feel that just posting your OP was maybe a turning point for you.

And for what it's worth, and inspite of what you have been made to grow up believing about yourself, you are a wonderful person who has achieved incredible things.

Many of us here are in awe of your intelligence, your academic achievements and your courage (I shouldn't speak for other MNers but I will on this occasion because the tone and content of several posts strongly suggests this is the case!)

Your childhood and your MC are more I can bear to imagine. They say that moving house, changing jobs and having children are amongst the most stressful events that can happen and you've moved house and changed jobs more times than I've had hot dinners, not to mention everything else that has happened.

Instead of concentrating on what you see as your negative personality traits, try this: try to not be yourself for five minutes and to look at your life through another MNer's eyes, or as if you are listening to someone you have not known for long describing their life.

What I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself but try acknowledging and validating your courage, strengths and acievements. For anyone to achieve what you have academically and in your professional life is brilliant. Taking into account your toxic childhood it's truly awe inspiring to me and I'm sure to others too.

It doesn't matter that you were trying to compete and outdo the rest of the female race - that was just a driving force that helped you to focus and to cope, I suspect .

However, there is one major area where you have clearly failed on a monumental scale and I don't think any of us are doing you any favours by skirting round the issue .....

ANTHEA BLOOBY TURNER

FFS woman what were you thinking? Thank goodness you didn't morph into an Anthea Turner type - I'm not sure there's even enough room for one Anthea Turner in this here universe.

I'm with the poster who pointed out that that Martha woman was applauded for folding bedsheets!

(Mind you, who wouldn't secretly enjoy a low level back ground applause for changing the bedding...what harm could it do..?)

(I'm lining up the DCs, and recording them applauding as we speak. Right, that's that done...now off to get the bedding out of the machine .... must dash!)

My advice - it made a big difference to me at this age - is to get occasional childcare for the baby. Not nursery for your DD, an afternoon with a CM for your DS. Take your Dd out for a big girl treat, like swimming

I found that when I did this, it really boosted my relationship with Dd. She seemed so much younger on her own, it made me empathise the pressure she was under as big sister. She herself seemed to be Reassured at having special time made out for her, and improved her behaviour. It also gave us a chance to practice having low pressure chat and shared experience - without me needing to constantly scold her or hurry her, like it always seemed to be at home.

OP, surely your dh is earning enough in the City that you should be able to send DD to nursery? Even if you cannot find employment full-time now, i am sure having more time to yourself will help you, and you and DD will be better off interacting less time but in a more relaxed atmosphere, it won't do her any good to spend time with you when you are frustrated or resentful.

I've worked in the City as well an am going back to work full time next month when DD is 6 month old and although i love her lots abd love spending time with her, i couldn't imagine staying out of work much longer. And like you, i couldn't bear the baby/mums' groups much longer, it's not me.

It sounds like you were depressed before having DD though and i am wondering if yoh are partly blaming her for unhappiness you feel with your life which has nothing much to do with her. It sounds like you wouldn't be happy childless in your City job either. So try not to take it out on her. Just send dcs to nursery for large part of thr day, enjoy the time by yourself for whatever it is you want to so and take it from there.

I am completely with you OP, my MIL is always saying that I'm so lucky to be a SAHM, .
I love my DC to bits but there are time (normally when they are fighting)that I wish I'd never had them.
I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mum/wife/lover/housewkeeper/u.n peace keeper/taxi driver/teacher/nurse, plus we see our friends out with their children and they are never shouting, the child is always well turned out and polite and we think that they are better than us.

There are days that I think DS might be deaf because he appears not to hear a bloody word I say.

Whenever I talk to my sister about things that DS and DD do she always makes me see things from their point of view which is helpful but also makes me feel even more of a shit mum that I didn't see it myself.

DS 4.3 years and we have DD of 16 months, DS goes to nursery for 3 hours a day (free sessions, god send)and starts school in september, we don't have the money to send DD to a nursery and feel I don't get anytime to myself at the moment, I don't work and I haven't since 2006, I can't go to the gym in the day as I have no-one to look after DD and by the time I've done tea, bath and bed for the DC I'm knackered and have no energy for the gym, the toddler groups in my area are all in the afternoon and I feel I can't take DS along to this as he's too big, so DD never has the chance to play with children her own age.
I live in hope that things will get better sometime before they grow up, move out and get a place of their own.
Sending hugs to everyone on the tread going through the same, wave to everyone that's gone through it already.

I haven't read all the replies but many of us out here are a bit or a lot like you!! I'm glad you are going to counselling and hope you have someone nice who supports you. Are you on anti depression medication at the moment? If not, you could try to find a Bach Flower practitioner as I find they can really help me step apart from my feelings and turn them to a positive. Have a google when you have time!

I read this the other day and have been thinking!! You sound like an amazing positive person who in a positive frame of mind, lives life to the full. So why not get there, make ways in your life for you to love it. If your DH is in a highly paid job, could you afford a part time (or full time) nanny to help with the boring stuff, allow you to wash your hair, help you all to go on a fab day out at art gallery or have an overnight trip to Paris. A nanny could take one of the children while you do something with the others or give you some time to do something you enjoy doing, even if it's going out for a run.

I moved and stopped work the year before my eldest started school and treated the time as a year out - we away somewhere every month and did the kind of things I would do on holiday when we were at home.

Could you have time with your DH to get the spark back? There are some great hotels where you could have time with the children but quality time alone too.

Think of something you would like to do which would tap into your sense of self and carve out time in your week to make it happen.

Good luck and take care - you are not alone!!

Slowlydyinginseide - not sure how able I am yo give advice, because I too can resonate so much with what you are saying.

My son is now 11, but I suffered PND when I had him which was possibly the worse experience of my life. We did not 'bond' till he was about 18 months old. However, so much else of what you say is similar to my circumstances: I too am 'high functioning', I'm a perfectionist, always wanting to do more, and do better and I excelled academically. It hasn't however, made me happy. I have a lovely husband who also is possibly 'ill matched' to me, as he sees everything on a positive, steady level and simply cannot understand why I still get down and question my role as a mother.

Needless to say, he now has a closer relationship to our son than I have, although we are close in some way and I am very much a hands on mother, despite working long hours in a stressful job.

My mother was very loving and hands on and adored being a mum, I have 3 sisters and a brother. She now adores being a granny and great granny and has absolutely no understanding of why my career is important to me. My father was in many ways very family orientated, however, he never showed his feelings and set us very high standards (possibly this is why I'm like I am?, or, as you said, sometimes I do wonder if you are born that way?)

Things did improve regarding my parenting as our son got older, but I have to say, that if I'm feeling down at any time for other reason, the old 'bad mother' feelings come creeping back in. Is it just a case of accepting that for some women, it isn't a 'natural' thing. I felt so strongly that I was such a bad mum, that I knew the day after I gave birth I would never have another child, and to this day, I haven't waivered.

This possibly isn't helping much (as I'm wallowing myself!) but give yourself time out and it does get honestly get a better when they get older. You have a double whammy with two children under the age of three but before long, your oldest will be at school which creates a massive difference. PM me if you want to chat more. x

sorry for typos! In a bit of a rush at the mo x

Hey slowly - I know what you mean about being one of lifes malcontents, but you know what, I think that you should continue to fight for the life you want. We only have one shot at it - why not go for it and try to live it the way you think will make you happy.

IN terms of wondering what might have been - please, get on with it and try to make it happen.

I have to be honest, the thing that stands out here is your relationship, rather than your role as SAHM. If you want to make it work then you need to sit down with him and enforce things that you want to happen - but, more likely, you need to leave him. I know that is a big thing to say, but hey, we are on the internet and can say things your friends might now.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have experience, except for on those days we all inevitably feel this way.

Can you go back to work? Would you be able to afford the childcare?

Some mothers just are better at that part of their lives when they have something substantial in it for themselves.

I work FT and I do think I appreciate my little brats darlings and the time I spend with them all the more because if it. But on Monday morning, I can't say I'm sad to be leaving them in the hands of a brilliant capable nanny who loves nothing more than rolling her sleeves up for a morning of making home made playdoh.

It really sound like you need something else in your life. It could be PND, but I will leave other, more experienced posters in that area to advise you re that.

It sounds to me like your life atm is one long version of a rainy weekend when I'm left alone without DH. So I empathise. Structure can help massively. Know what you're doing. Treat each day like it is a job with tasks to be done. Make a week plan, and just repeat each week?

I meant something ELSE substantial in it. Meaning work.

I too am one of life's malcontents and my husband is altogether sunnier and finds my moodiness intensely frustrating. While we are very close and he is loving and kind and a wonderful father (he looks after our daughter and will our next while I work part time) this is one area where I feel on my own.

I too am a perfectionist (I've gone hell for leather with the AP and extended feeding etc -- a little bit of me feels it is a form of perfectionism, but mostly I just feel compelled to do things this way) and I too went to Oxford (and had a nervous breakdown there too and was on lithium in my final year) and so understand deep-seated issues around so-called 'achievement'.

I didn't have bonding issues and although my daughter isn't a good sleeper and likes input constantly I too felt depressed (not PND though) and lonely -- made worse because I moved from Singapore back to cold grey London and frankly found it hard to gel with other mums. I'm a friendly outgoing person but nonetheless not a big joiner and just couldn't stomach making the sort of wide circles of mum friends my neighbours with babies seemed to easily make (and I am still wistful about this)

Things changed when I went back to work three days a week. I only felt able to do this as my husband wanted to also go part time (2 long night shifts so he's around a lot more than me). It took a long time to slip back into work but eventually. Best of both worlds now, some perspective and cash in my bank account (not nearly enough though), no guilt, and my husband says he enjoys looking after our daughter more than anything he's ever done (he's also Oxford and postgrad also there too, he just seems to have achieved a zen state about life and doesn't worry about what this means for his career). But my husband does also now know what I meant when I said I'd had a hard day on next to no sleep.

It seems that your husband doesn't seem to see where you are right now. Is there any way he can cut his hours to help? I guess not if he's in the City but it's worth considering. It's also worth considering career changing, part time work, counselling (as a couple and separately) and medication.

I really wish you the best. You are not a bad mother and should be praised for your honesty.

waterrat - how on earth can telling OP that she needs to leave her husband possibly be good, responsible advice? . Am a bit gobsmacked by that, but will gloss over it as don't want the thread to get derailed, and I agree with the other points you make.

Lots of other excellent, empathetic responses and advice here. OP I really wish you all the best and echo other people's thoughts that, from everything you write, you honestly come across as strong enough and smart enough to be able to make your life what you want it to be - really you do. I know it will be a tough slog for a while, but you can do it and it will be worth it. good luck.

So many thank yous to everyone who has posted here in the last couple of days.

I'm sorry I haven't come back until now. Apart from my hour on Saturday morning, I've been fully on duty all weekend. DH worked the whole time and monopolised our laptop, which is why I couldn't post. I'm just exhausted, I've been on the go all weekend without help and am facing a week of the same, because something has blown up at his work, which will mean late nights, and he's away mid week. But hey, he loves me, so that's ok, right?

I was woken up at some ungodly hour this morning by DD who just would not go back to bed and I ended up yelling at her to fuck off. I also had a shouty moment with much effing in the middle of the street today when her lunch fell in the gutter. So there we go, Martha I will never be, but I might end up in prison like her at this rate.

Lots of things to say in response to all your posts, will post again soon, the terrible two are having a rare, combined sleep so hopefully I can get some thoughts down.

I have read everything you've said.

SDI I do have sympathy for your situation at the moment, really I do. I can see that you are battling with depression but you also need to get a grip on yourself as well.

Telling your three year old to Fuck Off is totally unacceptable. It really is. I don't care if you're down on sleep or whatever but that is out of line.

You are struggling with a lot of things, that is plain to see. And you will get loads of great support on here. But you have to help yourself as well.

You chose to bring your children into this world which you say may not have been the right decision. You can make the decision right though if you seek help.

Could you afford some private childcare to be arranged ASAP? If you have a tough week ahead try and break it up as much as you can so it doesn't feel too long.

The comment about not getting to have a shower - what is your daily routine like? Do you have a routine?

I've got a 3 yr old who is lively and challenging to say the least. He's been that way since birth and I need to draw on patience reserves I didn't know I had. My elder dc is totally different. I've just finished a parenting course which has really helped - one of the key messges is that your dc's will reflect back the way you are with them. I think twice before I shout at the dc's now, as I can't bear them shouting at each other or me.

You know the effing and jeffing isn't on - carry on modelling this behaviour and you'll end up with a 3yr old who gets herself in trouble at nursery or school and isn't allowed to play with other dc's.

I would get yourself a decent childminder or nursery for both of them, for at least a full day per week asap. Use the time when you are child free to get yourself sorted out with therapy, parenting classes, a job or whatever. I'm sorry you're in this situation, and really do sympathise, but for your dc's sake you need to find the strength to get yourself out of it. Wishing you well.

I'm going to speak plainly. Partly because I'm worried about the language you shout at daughter and the language you use to describe your children. And partly because I will never forget the harsh (but ultimately fair) words of a psychiatrist after I'd made a suicide attempt years ago.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be both depressed and have to cope with two children without support from your husband. But you stand at a crossroads. You can either get help right now - practical help for the children and psychological help for yourself -- or you can continue to catastrophize (I use that term with some reservations, but it's what I did when depressed) and lash out at those vulnerable children and cause real, lifelong damage. Imagine in 25 years reading something on here or elsewhere about a daughter coming to terms with a mother who resented her, screamed at her and blamed her for her stunted life.

I suspect you really want to scream to your husband, but he's practically (and most probably, gratefully) absented himself.

More about him. Alarm bells ring that a father who has been away all week chooses (yes, sorry, 'chooses' - it IS a choice) to spend the weekend on the laptop. Even if you weren't depressed and harried and can't even find time to shower (is this true? Can you not put on Tom and Jerry for five minutes and get all of them in the shower or bath with you?) it would be neglectful. It is not good parenting. If things have 'blown up' (and don't they always) then he has to time manage. Do the work when they are in bed and simply get less sleep. But no, he probably wants to avoid you and the children. Strange, seeing as he wanted them in the first place. My apologies if I've read the situation wrong, but that's what strikes me.

If he can't time manage, if he has no time for the children or you, then he should have serious thinking to do about his career and what he wants from life. In some ways some men can be much more insecure than women, who after all, if they have children, have to career change -- at least for a while. Some men, particularly those driven types in high-pressure, highly paid jobs simply couldn't countenance just 'being' without the accoutrements of power and prestige.

But you never ever go to your deathbed glad that you worked 30 more hours a week to earn 50k more (or 500k more for that matter). You are never glad that you never really spent time with your family (instead wax lyrical about them to colleagues and drive them to boarding school once a week at best) to underwrite loans or help Company A take over Company B.

It is an arrid existence but we can easily get locked into it. Your fixed costs rise, school fees starting piling up and before you know it, 500k a year is 'scrubbing by'. What it takes sometimes to earn that 500k isn't worth it for some families. It's why I left.

It is unlikely he'd consider a career change or a sabbatical, but you've got nothing to lose bringing it up.

Now you. You need professional psychological help. Possibly medication. I think you could also benefit from a meeting with a child psychologist, or family psychologist (in fact, you could all go) to help attachment issues.

Immediately, you need to relinquish your ideas about being the perfect SAHM and get some childcare -- one full day or two half days perhaps.

And you need to find a way into your daughter's mind. Treat it as a project (seeing as you are a high achieving sort). Get books (Playful Parenting by Cohen, How to Speak etc and some proper psychologist stuff) and make yourself play with no interruptions with her, following her lead. You won't feel like it, but make yourself do it. It can't be worse than the shouting and screaming, can it?

Please let us know what you decide.

Baskingseals, I have to strongly disagree with what you said. The OP clearly has problems whose origins have nothing to do with her children. It is untrue, unfair and extremely unhelpful to blame two under-5's who, to all intents and purposes, are behaving quite normally given their situation.

Otch is right. No matter how hard it may be, Slowly, you are the adult here so you are the one in a position to do something about your feelings, problems and behaviour.

There have been times when I have wanted to tell my 4-year-old to fuck off, gracious me, yes. But I'm his mum. So I haven't, and never would. It is your job to get all the help you need to take control of yourself and your life. You CAN do this. And here's the great thing: once you get used to being more in control and less traumatised by your past, it becomes the New You. Which means that it gets easier to keep being that person.