Diary of a Separation

[abbeyroad]

Has anyone else been reading this in The Guardian on a saturday?
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/diary-of-a-separation

I fnd it compelling reading. She is admitting that she is not in an abusive relationship, not with someone who is a bad dad etc but is leaving for herself, because she's not happy in the relationship.

I have a personal reason for finding this so interesting, it could be me writing it, but I have decided to stay and make my relationship work.

Did other mumsnetters decide to leave home for 'selfish' reasons ie they thought they could poitentially be happier elsewhere and were willing to break up the family unit to do so?

My biggest incentive is that I could end up with a man who makes me feel truly loved. I remember other relationships where there was deep love and my dp and I just don't have that. I respect and appreciate my dp for all the hard work he has put in but actually I've been making excuses for him for a while. I've had my dad staying with us and he has made some observations about our relationship and family life which are spot on.

My DPs unwillingness/inability to contribute to the relationship the way I would like has left me feeling incredibly resentful at the extra burden I have had to shoulder. I feel like I have become a person I don't want to be and wrongly or rightly, I blame him.

I'm not as worried about messing up the kids because there are millions of kids out there being raised in blended families and they have turned ok.

I too feel INCREDIBLY guilty and judgemental of myself but I would NEVER judge another woman as harshly as I judge myself iyswim.

Also any friends who judge you clearly aren't your real friends. They won't all understand or agree but they should never judge you.

and you won't know if it was a mistake unless you do it. But you'll also not know if it was the right thing to do until you do it. Life is short. That's also my incentive. I've been feeling angry and resentful for years and I would quite like to feel happy and loved again. (not ignored and unimportant)

Who knows I might even decide I like living on my own more, or get a flatmate (like a friend of mind did).

I'm on the other side of this all at the moment, my DH dropped a bomb shell 2 weeks ago about not being happy and wanting to leave. Things have gone down hill fast, i think he's depressed/stressed into the bargain too

Me and my DC have given him some time out and have been at my parents for the past couple of days.

I feel paralysed with fear.

noraname

Gosh that sounds so hard. was there any warning at all? Had he given you any warning or opportunities to address issues?

Depression is a heck of a thing. Has he sought any help for it? For my dp as soon as he would start up meds again it made a world of difference.

I hope things work out for you....

Not in this situation myself but get drawn to lurking on these threads as my parents separated when I was 14 and it's still something I am tryingto understand. FWIW my view is that yes it was awful but more important is just being a good mum/dad and separating doesn't stop you from being this, if that makes sense.

I've been reading this too and was also shocked by her reaction to the kids devastation. I've been reading wanting for some kind of justification of my own situation, or some sign that it can all be ok.

I think I'm at the point of actually wanting to say 'it's over'. Well actually, come to think about it, I've done that a couple of times in the last 4 months after horrible days, being ignored or horrible rows, but then he comes home the next day saying how it's not what he wants etc etc. This week it's been all about how devoted he is to me, how much he loves me....I just feel detached and low. Argh!!

Really good to read about others who are in the same situation though, as I feel a bit of a fraud in comparison with those suffering from abuse from their husbands.

Deptfordwife - that is what I fear, my kids grown up and lurking on threads like this! Was it a bad separation or did your parents handle it well?

Elephant - accept your point about blended families. I just don't know any. I live in London so my social network should really be a bit broader! Growing up I knew of one or two, neither of which was especially close or happy.

abbey - it wasn't too bad, I think they did pretty well. No recriminations, rows - just got on with it with just the odd blip. Looking back, what was a bit weird was that I decided to go off with my mum and my brother decided to stay with my dad! Interesting that they allowed that, in a way.

I have read the Guardian articles too and frustratingly she doesn't give much detail about the why's and how's of her split - it seems pretty superficial.

I go in and out of wanting to split up and feel terrified at the thought of weekends without my children wondering if they're having enough water/fruit/activity. Wondering if they're sad to not have me around/kiss them goodnight but not able to express that to DH so end up crying alone or acting up and him not being sensitive enough to recognise it and be patient enough OR conversely him feeling every aspect of their behaviour that is slightly negative is the result of ME splitting up the family and him catatrophizing about their awful futures based on my desertion.

Seems sadly several others are in this boat too.

I was on the brink of separating this past 2 weeks and spent hours and hours talking this through with my 2 closest girlfriends. I then explained my feelings to DH and he was distraught and is now trying to be great and loving and doing all the things I wish he would do consistently, all the time. So I am left feeling - is this enough and is this sustainable?

I dread being in this same position in 10yrs time, still doubting the relationship but yet still pulling back from the brink of separation, optimistically hoping it will all be fine this time.

I know what you mean northener about feeling a fraud when others are going through really awful abuse. I keep wondering if the worst things that DH does at home, DO actually constitute emotional abuse. I think I wonder that so much because I am looking for good, solid reason to leave but my friend pointed out what is often said here - that you don't need a reason, just to feel that you are unhappy/not loved enough IS enough reason to end a marriage.

The thing is I believe it when I, or another, says it to someone else - but not when it's applied to me. Does anyone else get this?

Hi I am still lurking on this thread and feel for all of you who are either unhappy and considering separation or have been told its over by your partner.

Someone made a good point that the thought of still procrastinating in 10 years and being neither happy nor miserable but just where you are at now is a depressing concept.

There are no guarantees that you would be happier leaving but if after a long period of time and with sustained effort to make things happy you are getting nowhere then its time to think about some tough decisions.

I had a couple of months where xh was still living in the family home but he and I knew he was moving out. I tore my mind and heart to shreds about how my dc would be , how heartbroken and shocked they would be. A couple of people who knew said dont worry dc are resilient but I wouldnt have it and thought my dc would in a mess.

As I said upthread they werent. I wont go over how we have tried to ensure their happiness but its all straightforward stuff . 15 months in they are 2 happy children who I doubt will be reading these threads. When you think logically about messed up people you encounter in your life it certainly isnt a case of a higher incidence of them coming from divorced parents imo.

Loves2cycle, you sound to be in a really similar position (and your replies to my post a while back were really useful).

I get it all (almost) straight in my head, and then he starts doing the things that he should have been doing all along. I too want a good 'proper' reason to call it a day, but maybe another lousy weekend is a good enough reason.

He has been trying hard this week, was vile last. this week been telling me all the right things, trying to sort out a day out for us....I just don't feel interested at all. Too little too late maybe.

The thing that reduces me to tears is the effect on the kids and the thought of not having them with me all the time. I don't think I cry about the relationship itself.

As others have said....optimistically I wonder if I might meet someone else, and ended up with a bigger and happier family. I don't want to be in the same position here in 10 years.

Have booked us a counselling session (not relate, but hopefully similar) coz I feel I have to do something - not sure if it is going to make me feel positive about the relationship though.

It's certainly easier to advise someone else with plenty of practical solutions and positive thinking, than to take the leap in to the unknown myself!!

Getting easier - it is very reassuring to hear that your kids are getting on fine. My Mum was saying just that yesterday - kids are very resilient. They are loved enormously and if we can behave as adults they will be just fine (if not happier, as they might have the fun-laughing-mum back all the time!)

The thought of not being with them all the time is possibly worse for me than for them - afterall they would be having fun with their dad.

Northerner yes the first couple of months of the dc being with him were hard and I made sure every moment was accounted for so I didnt dwell on things.

We have the typical wed night and every other weekend arrangement.

After around 3 months it began to get easier and I didnt mind being on my own when they were with him and gradually it has evolved to me loving my dc free time and loving it whether I am busy out and about or home alone

X post Northerner yes that is the key to it that both parents behave as adults which trust me is often much more difficult than being without your dc !!

I am far far happier now and my relationship with them and our home life is wonderful and as far as I am aware its the same for their time with their Dad

I can see gettingeasier how children can be much happier when parents split because of the settled environment and I'm glad yours are doing so well. I know several children like this - I see my goddaughter who is 17 and has had her mum split from her dad firstly at 2yrs old, then her stepdad was in her life from 3yrs to 15, then her mum split with stepdad at age 15. She is still delightful, polite, doing great at school, lovely friends, not an emotional mess at all but a 17yr old to be proud of! So it can happen, but like you say you always imagine YOUR children will not cope - it's such a frightening fear.

northener so similar - I get that feeling too of 'too little, too late'. But then I forget the awful time really quickly (within days of feeling metaphorically bruised by the grumpiness) and just get into enjoying the peace & calm. I genuinely get into a good place with DH and at that stage I love him and love the way he is with me and kids. BUT it is always, always shattered at some point by his bad mood and emotional dominance and we're back into me fantasizing about separating.

Counselling sounds a good idea northener - we have been going for 10 months and even if it doesn't solve our issues it certainly helps in the meantime and will mean I can say 'I tried for over 10months to work on things'.

Do you talk to your Mum about it northener - does that help? I would love to talk to my mum but my DH asked me not too, as he felt our problems should remain private to us. I keep going over this in my mind as it feels very controlling of him and not fair actually. Does your DH mind you talking to your Mum or does he not know? I am wondering if I should talk to my mum without him knowing as I'd love to know what her take on the situation would be.

I told my mum last week in an email that I'd reached the end with him. I've wanted to tell her something for about the last 4 months, but could never quite get the words out. I didn't ask DH if he minded. He did ask me the other day if I had told my mum I wanted to leave - I had, but said I'd told her things were rubbish instead. I didn't want him to feel he couldn't answer the phone or anythign incase it was her!

I then spoke to her on the phone yesterday (was easier to get things straight in an email).

She was kind of useful. Supportive but sitting on the fence. I'd kind of like her to tell me what she thinks I should do!

I think if your Mum would be supportive of you, then you should talk to her. You will want her to be there for you if the worst does come to the worst.

With the counselling, I do think I'm doing it partly so that I know I've tried everything.

Your descriptions of life could quite easily be mine!!!!

Gettingeasier - in another thread in the future, your advice on what to do for the best with the kids will be much appreciated!!!

Am still lurking mostly on this thread as it is DH who is the unhappy one (although I'm not exactly ecstatic at the moment) who wants to leave.

I think love2cycle words of "I dread being in this same position in 10yrs time, still doubting the relationship but yet still pulling back from the brink of separation, optimistically hoping it will all be fine this time" are pretty much what he feels. I feel like I should be "letting him go" but I don't want to :( At the same time I want him to organise it - we have financial problems which are being dealt with but mostly by me and while he keeps his head in the sand about the finer details I am not sure how he will organise the financial details of splitting up. I am aware that I tend to micromanage which isn't great though.

Argh it is all so wearing. We are basically "nice" to each other which in some odd ways makes it worse. If he used MN (which he doesn't) I would be interested in how he would sum our relationship up.

I keep thinking into the future and things like Christmas and birthdays and weddings (am really pushing it now for DC who are 7 and 5 ) and depressing myself.

Will try and lurk a bit more I think.

northener it is hard to say something to a parent as you worry that they're going to worry! I know just what you mean about wanting to know what they think is best for you - it's about sharing the burden of the decision I think. My mum will support me whatever I decided to do, I am sure of that, but I want to know from her whether she thinks the problems are enough of a problem to leave. It's back to that old issue of having enough justification to end a marriage where children are happy.

If my mum said she didn't know how I'd lasted as long as I have and she could understand totally why I would leave, I think that would be massive for me. That would mean I would leave the next time things got bad.

Whereas if she said, well...you do wind him up and he does have many fabulous points and he is great with the kids etc etc, I would be lost in my endless indecision.

abbeyroad and gettingeasier and others - has anyone found keeping a diary of your feelings has helped you to make the decision to leave/stay? I wonder about whether this would help as I forget so easily the problems/difficulties and can't backtrack how things were.

I caught it one week (the week with the controversial hysteria), but haven't followed it religiously. It brought someone to mind who I used to work with. She recently lost her Mum to cancer and then I found out she'd split up with her DH shortly after. They have two young DCs together. When asking what happened, she simply said "I realised life is too short".

I've been thinking about that A LOT recently. DH and I are not happy. We have two young DCs. Like someone else said on this thread, I have the same fears about ending the relationship (mainly related to the kids) but also the same hopes, i.e. is there someone out there with whom I would be happier?

Sigh.

I was in Nora and Lawries shoes ie xh was unhappy and wanted to leave although I felt much the same but like a Darwinian creature I had happily adapted to the unhappy element of my life ie that my xh didnt love me !! I still hankered after his love and attention long after , in hindsight, it was never going to happen.

Like Noras H mine had depression issues and MLC stuff but it was all parked at the door of our marriage. Whether now he is any happier and it was indeed me that was making him unhappy I have no idea.

I should also say my dc were very happy when we were married and are not any happier now - thats just me . Seriously what I mean is they were happy and actually DD at almost 11 was shocked at our split but they are as happy as ever I think.

I dont hold it against xh for leaving his dc particularly as I know it was a very very hard decision for him much as some of you are describing. Had he been badly behaved not seeing them and all the things that sadly so many ex partners of both sexes indulge in then it would be different.

Perhaps in some of your h's cases like me they are fighting against the end of the marriage hanging on for dear life but after a while will see it was the right decision for both parties. I certainly did

I didnt do a diary but what I did do early on was make a list of all the things I wouldnt miss to try and counteract the feeling I was losing everything. This list was longer than I expected and quite illuminating and very helpful

Oh and sorry loves2 I think that is wrong of your H to dictate whom you confide in and most especially your own mother who is hardly the gossipy Mum at the school gate. Do you think he is concerned that her advice may not be favourable to him ?

Gettingeasier - I would say yes he is worried that my parents might give me huge support and that might affect me in terms of being more likely to leave.

At the time I agreed reluctantly to not tell my mum I thought it was just a privacy issue but I think it is broader than that in reality. I am going to start a thread about a particular aspect of our problems when I have the space/energy (don't want to hijack abbeyroads) - would really appreciate advice. Each of our situations are as unique as they are similar.

Hijack away, loves2cycle, I don't have agenda really! It's just good to hear from other people in a similar situation.

Thanks abbeyroad I'm not quite there yet, takes a while to get the energy together for a thread. I keep hoping my problems will disappear miraculously so I won't need the thread anyway!

I can't find the bit where you said what your issues were abbeyroad - does your DP have depression and you have been tempted by a closeness to someone else?

Was that hard to walk away from? I fear this actually, I fear that I might become a bit too close to another man who offers me the calm, patience etc that I miss in my life - noone in mind, I just feel vulnerable. And my DH has depression but it is self diagnosed so we're not really sure, just up and down a lot emotionally.

Has your DP's depression been treated?

Loves2cycle think your idea of a diary is excellent, I'm going to start next week.

My dp does suffer from intermittent depression, we never know when it will hit next, he doesn't take anything though as it doesn't last for more than s few days usually. Other than that I have trust issues due to contact with his ex wife (and his lying about it). No affair though more emotional support. I think he finds it very easy to lie.

He is not a romantic or thoughtful partner and never has been (I am the opposite).
Other than that dp is a great dad, an intelligent and funny person, and a kind, calm and uber patient man.
In Some ways I feel lucky to be with him, in others I feel like he is a great man but not a great partner for me. We differ in a lot of ways.

I have kissed a couple of other people in the 10 years we have been together so I'm no angel. OM has made it clear he wants me (and the kids). We have kissed but I felt terrible so don't see him now. I do fantasise about a future with him but feel like everyone has their good and bad points and that 10 years down the line with him I might be fantasising about someone else. I think I'm a bit of a grass is greener type.