Diary of a Separation

[abbeyroad]

Has anyone else been reading this in The Guardian on a saturday?
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/diary-of-a-separation

I fnd it compelling reading. She is admitting that she is not in an abusive relationship, not with someone who is a bad dad etc but is leaving for herself, because she's not happy in the relationship.

I have a personal reason for finding this so interesting, it could be me writing it, but I have decided to stay and make my relationship work.

Did other mumsnetters decide to leave home for 'selfish' reasons ie they thought they could poitentially be happier elsewhere and were willing to break up the family unit to do so?

[jasper]

Does anyone know whether the Guardian Diary of a Separation is actually real?

[Dworkin]

I've enjoyed reading the series and can understand the need for her to separate, however I did think they could have celebrated Xmas together as a family, for the sake of the children (who don't seem to be asked their opinion on anything).

I liked this article, written from a man's point of view; he presents an interesting angle:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/24/our-perfect-divorce

[jasper]

But is it real?

[FabbyChic]

How is it selfish to want to move on when you are no longer in love with someone? Everybody deserves to be in love and want to be with someone they actually love to bits rather than care about or like.

I asked my husband to move out because I never cared any more, he was great with my kids, gave me money every week, I could live with his drinking he was a pussy cat, I had to bankrupt myself to get out of the relationship.

But I did so because I wanted to be in love not just settling, no one should just settle because of kids or othewise.

[jasper]

Interesting link Dworkin, and I can relate as I have the perfect ex husband

[ISayHolmes]

I've been reading this for quite a while. I find myself feeling pretty sorry for her. I suppose that's normal since we only get to peer into her feelings and perspective, but I get the feeling she feels she has to concede on everything because she was the one that initiated the split..moving out of the house, missing the first Christmas and so on. It's a shame.

[ElusiveCamel]

Did other mumsnetters decide to leave home for 'selfish' reasons ie they thought they could poitentially be happier elsewhere and were willing to break up the family unit to do so?
Yes, but I would've stayed if I thought it was in my son's long-term interests to do so. I absolutely do not believe it would've been good for him in the long-term if we stayed together though. My marriage was not abusive at all, he didn't cheat and we got on reasonably well (still do) and functioned as a family, but both of us were very miserable. I felt like my life was over. I felt dead at 36. We didn't have a sex life. That's no relationship in which to raise children, in my opinion. We really weren't right for each other, didn't bring the best out in each other - didn't do the things, didn't have the kind of husband/wife relationship that would teach my son anything good.

All the studies I have read say that it is not separation that damages children, but acrimonious splits. I've seen more damage from 'staying together for the children' than I have from parents who've separated well.

Those moments that you share minor delights about something one of your kids has done, with your partner would forever be lost.
Absolutely not true.

[maleview70]

People (Esp Women) always seem to worry about the effect leaving will have on the children and many stay just for that reason. My mum did this and I was brought up in a house devoid of love, witnessing coldness of both parents to one another. I sat through periods of long silences that could last for weeks and hideous rows that would wake me up. I couldnt wait to leave home. Laughably she even stayed when both me and my siblings had left home even though they still did not get on.

I split from my wife when my child was 4 which in my opinion, if you are going to do it is the best time. Since that day there has not been a day when I have not been in contact with them either in person, by phone or by text. Their mum and me both remarried and both have had other children. We all get on and share events etc.

Splitting up can work if both parents want to remain good parents.

To do this you have to be non judgemental of your previous partner and certainly cannot be Jealous as this is the one emotion that causes the biggest issue. I was happy that my ex found what she was looking for. I have never been a Jealous person and to me that is key.

[jasper]

BUT IS THE DIARY REAL? Sorry for shouting but it's the third time I've asked

[joanofarchitrave]

Dunno jasper. My guess would be that it is partly real - the writer may have gone through this but a few years ago, and the character is a bit of a construct in my view. I think the reason she didn't dwell on the pre-decision bit is so that we don't judge either partner based on the 'fault' we ascribe to them.

For what it's worth, I dislike the articles intensely and stopped reading them some time ago. I think she comes across as selfish and immature, though i liked the article very early on where she said that was kind of the point, she felt she'd stopped growing in the relationship and that areas of her were underdeveloped because she'd been with her partner for so long.

However, if it were real, she started dating ridiculously quickly - she's not going to 'grow up' by falling into and out of car-crash rapid intimacies within a few weeks of moving out IMO. Seems like classic grass is greener behaviour and she will end up in another LTR which goes down the tubes in similar fashion.

I hope I don't judge people for being unable to stomach the endless treadmill of life in a LTR. I frequently have to stay married an hour at a time myself.

[scarlet76]

I have read bit of this in the Guardian. After a torrid year myself, to some extent it resonates with me.
earlier in the year, I found out that H had been having a 2 month affair. My intial reaction was that it was a deal breaker and I asked him to leave despite his crying and pleading to stay. I watched me and my 2 DC break.
It was only time that could heal us all and give me some perspective. As the hurt and grief at what he had done subsided, and through counselling, I began to feel that perhaps we could 'work at it' and salvage something. Not just for DC but for all our sakes.
7 months on and things are not perfect. Trust is a big issue. BUT I feel that we are probably closer and more honest with each other than we have been in a long time. We have talked together, cried together and laughed together. We have completely focused on us as a couple and us as a family with DC. We are both putting in the effort that perhaps we had stopped doing before - just doing little nice things for each other, sending each other nice texts during the day and making time for each other.
2012 is looking brighter and I am feeling more and more positive that we can make it. Of course I would love to be able to erase what he did but I can't. But we can both learn from it and use what we have learnt to create a happier and stronger future. We have both agreed that we want a quiet NYE this year - we just want to see the back of 2011 - so we will be putting our best clothes on, sitting at home with DC in bed and watching a DVD whilst drinking pink champagne. And I will be glad that I decided to stay and work at it.

[jasper]

Joan, thanks. I view it much the same as you , but am the last person in the world who would advocate sticking things out for years and years if unhappy. There's something about the whole diary that just doesn't ring true .
Scarlet, you sound very wise

[ElusiveCamel]

scarlet76 It is great that you and your husband are working together on your marriage and I am sure that 2012 will bring more of the same and a stronger happier relationship. :)

I haven't read this series in the Guardian so I can't comment on it directly and don't know exactly what her reasons for leaving were, but I do think that your situation sounds like it could be quite different to what was being discussed.

Good relationships, between two people who are right for each other, can get into difficulties and in those cases, it is a good and wise option to stay and work at it. In other cases, where two people are not right for each other, where staying and working at it hasn't worked, will never work, then it is better to separate. In the cases I know and in my own case, the decision to separate is after years of working at it. It's not that they a) didn't make the decision to work at it or b) that working at it would be a good thing for them.

[theenchantedhood]

Thanks for bumping this Jasper I've finally finished reading it when have found time to fit it in. I'm interested to know if it's real also!!