At wits end and nowhere to turn

[whataremyoptions]

I'm 5 months pg and working FT with 2 hr commute each way to work. DP stays at home with 2yo DD and I wfh 1 day a wk.
I am really struggling with my job and the amount of work I have and have spoken to HR to try and get some help as my boss seems disinterested. Not sure anything will actually happen, but at least I've tried. However, DP is constantly moody and angry at me and DD cos she's had enough of being SAHM in a town away from family and calls me a workaholic even though I have no option in this. We both chose to move here but now I'm getting the blame for taking her away from the security of her old life.
This morning, I'm wfh and DD was sent through to me for an hour so DP could lie-in in some peace (I assume as nothing was said) and then, once I'd started work, DD came through without a nappy on to tell me she'd done a poo. DP then shouted at her even though she's not nappy trained at all so it's not her fault if she's left to run around half naked. Have been trying to work listening to DD downstairs crying and I assume getting ignored or shouted at by DP. I told DP not to take it out on DD, but she just shouted back at me and said it was none of my business and I should get to being a workaholic. When she's angry, she can say some really hurtful things to me which I try to ignore as I know they come from anger, but the more frequent they get, the harder it's getting to ignore.
I just feel completely at my wits end seeing my DD suffer from DP's severe mood swings and her anger at me but can't afford not to work so have no options. I really don't know what to do anymore - I hate being at work and hate being at home, apart from when I'm with DD. I'm also very worried about the health of my unborn baby which must be getting affected by all this stress.
I know there are no answers, but guess I just needed to offload.

Your DP sounds both unhappy and unhelpful. Did she choose to be the SAHP or is she in that role because she lost her job? Is it possible that when yo uare on ML with the new baby your DP could find at least a part time job for herself (which would perhaps help with both the family budget and her own state of mind)?
When she's calmed down, have a chat with her asking what three things she would like to change about the family arrangements, and then tell her what three things you would like to change, and see if you can work out a compromise between you so that both of you feel the other understands your worries.
IF your DP won't engage in a reasonable discussion with you, though,that would be a bad sign. Has she always been prone to bad temper and saying unkind things or do you think this is due to stress?

That all sounds very fraught, and not fair on the todler either.

How long have you and your partner been together? Did she work before your eldest child was born?

Thanks for the advice. At the moment we seem to be at a stalemate. DP came upstairs and shouted at me that I didn't care about her, just about work and I said I found it hard to care about someone who was always angry and that set her off. She started slamming doors and screaming and throwing things and hitting her head. DD was distraught so I was trying to stay calm for her sake but this only wound DP up more. She's told me she wants nothing more to do with me and is locked in the bedroom in bed now so I'm trying to wfh and deal with a bored toddler.
DP says she's depressed so I suggested she went to see the dr but she just screamed at me to get out.
We moved while I was on ML with DD and DP was quite happy to leave work and be the SAHM while I went back to work. But now all she sees is me working full time+ and not having time or energy for her (as any left goes to DD). Which I understand, but really don't know how to change this. I don't intend to return to my job after this baby, but still have 3.5 months to get through and I'm not sure how much more I can take - certainly not another day like this and what happens when I'm back at work next week? The irony is I do care about her and am constantly trying to think of things I can do to make her happier, but never get anything back. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier without her, but that really isn't possible at the moment.

Did your dp carry dd? I was wondering if she was having some trouble bonding with her? Is that a possibility?

No I did. There has never been any indication of problems with bonding and in the most part she's a great mum to DD. Just not when she's angry which is getting more and more frequent. And I think some of the behaviour recently is to punish me cos DP knows how important it is to me for DD to be happy (had a mum with anger/depression issues when I was a kid so really working hard to not repeat the pattern as it's horrid).
Just looking into options for starting ML earlier than planned and using holiday to make it even earlier. Not sure what to tell work though as I never discuss my personal life with anyone (well except on here!).

one thing that we were told when we did our marriage prep course is that the most important relationship is the spousal one.
It's more important than the mother/child relationship.

the theory being, that if you and your DP are happy, in love and getting on together, it makes it easier to love and care for the children.

I really do think that your DP is depressed.
Give her a while to calm down, book a day's holiday and spend time with her.
And definitely follow up with your work about maybe reducing your hours while you're PG. that will help.
I agree with SGB's idea to list 3 things each that you're unhappy about.
and do encourage her to talk things out with you (not have arguments) - one thing that stuck out in your 2nd post was "I said I found it hard to care about someone who was always angry and that set her off"
i know it's hard, and you were upset and probably angry, but you really have to try not to make comments like that - it undermines the point you are trying to put across.

It sounds like she feels hard done by too.

Nickelprincess, that;s appalling advice - that the spousal relationship matters more than the parental one. Babies and toddlers can't defend themselves or look after themselves so their needs have to take priority when they are little. Also, the damage done to older children if their parents prioritize each other over the DC can be severe.
It;s treating the spousal relationship as the most important which leads to situations like refusing to believe an abused child/allowing a partner to bully or neglect a child etc.

OP: sorry, not suggesting anything like that is going on in your situation, though sometimes if one partner is a selfish person, selfishness becomes really really obvious when the couple first have DC.

I do think it makes sense - that it's important for the parents to keep track of their relationship.
it's not saying that you should abandon your children1 it's just advising that you should take care to make your house a happy one.

I know it's nowhere as simple as that - as you say, little children have to take priority.

I think what is really the case is that if parents are in a couple relationship, they should try to make sure they place at least equal value on that. But that would be dependent on both partners understanding that things change when you have DC - this is where the big problems often occur with the first baby, when the couple-relationship has previously been about one partner priotitizing the other without really being aware of the fact.

agree.

But how do I go about putting DP first when we sleep in separate beds (I get up at 05.30), I don't get home till 20.00 and want to be in bed by 22.00. And usually DD is up still in the evening. At weekends, it's down to me to look after DD, take us all grocery shopping and do any tidying/cooking/ironing that needs doing. I'm just too knackered for anything else - I've been promising myself a bath for months and months and never have the time or even the energy to even do that. My life just feels like a constant battle to stay awake and on top of things. And it's not getting any easier now I'm pregnant and aching from head to toe, not sleeping much and struggling to find anything to eat. I would love to just curl up in a corner and stop for a second, but I can't do that with work and a toddler to consider first. I'll admit that at times the relationship just seems like too much like hard work to bother with and when things get like this I really can't take any more. DP has told me she'd rather be dead than with me and that I don't even care that she wants to kill herself. But what can I do? She won't let me near her and calls me every name under the sun when she gets angry. Maybe it's wrong but trying to shield DD from the worst of this takes priority here.

WAMO: you can't go on like this. Any of you. You poor girl. I'm afraid you;re going to have to get a bit tough with your DP and tell her to go to the doctor: she may well be depressed and need professional help. The thing is, though, depression doesn't excuse her tantrums, though it might explain them. She seems to be trying to make the situation all about her, when the rest of you have needs and feelings as well. If she won't or can't take any steps towards improving the situation and won't discuss it, you might have to consider asking her to leave because it;s not fair on you or your DD to have to live with someone so angry and unhappy that she is threatening to kill herself and refusing to engage with you.

Oh god. She just came in and grabbed DD and took her downstairs having completely ignored her all of yesterday - and claimed she didn't care if flying debris from what she was smashing up hit DD. When I asked what she was doing she just grinned and walked off. I don't want DD caught up in this.

Can you afford childcare? I agree that this situation is not good for your dd, and maybe if you knew she was in good care for at least part of the time it would give you some breathing space. As for today - I'd take dd out for the day, tbh.

Do you have a relative or friend who could take DD for the weekend or day so that you can talk to your DP uninterrupted? Somehow, your DP has to take responsibility for her actions, even if she is depressed. At the moment, you are the one who needs support - being pregnant and working long days is exhausting. You are not a workaholic, just doing your best to support your family.

You should be able to turn to your DP for support at this time. If she is not able to give this because she is depressed, then at the very least she should take responsibility for sorting it out. The fact that she is not, and is putting a further burden on you is very selfish of her.

Does she always need a lot of support from you? Is she reacting this way now because for once you understandably need support from her? There is only so much you can be expected to take on, and she must turn to professional help if she needs it.

I agree with Habbibu - both today and longer term you need to build some space in for everyone. Get DD out of the house for the day or even weekend if you have family or friends you can stay with. If DP argues explain you think she needs some peace and time to herself. IMO don't guilt her about the anger/behaviour as tempting as it may be, the priority for today is your DD out of that environment.
Longer term childcare may be an option to give DD some stability and to give DP time to get help. She really does need to see someone for help.
You may only have 3 months left at work - but a new born and all of you at home during ML is possibly only going to enflame this more.

The way she is treating your dd is pretty close to being abusive.

I think you should ask her to leave until she can behave like an adult

If your DP was a man treating his child like this you'd be getting grief for allowing him to stay in the family home from some quarters.

She might well be depressed, or lonely, or bored being a SAHM, but temper tantrums spanning multiple days and that target a 2 year old to punish the other parent are way, way out of order.

I agree with spidookly.

I agree with spidookly too. Sorry but your DP is behaving very badly now. Tell her to leave the house to give you all some breathing space. Yes, she needs to leave because she is the one whose behaviour is out of order: smashing things and verbally abusing you (and your DD by the sound of it). If she won't go and if she starts tantrumming again you can actually call the police and have her removed from the home.
It's a myth that DV never happens between women. I think your relationship is becoming abusive and you are going to have to be firm with your partner about not putting up with it.

Defo agree with previous posts. Protecting your DD is your priority in this. Had similar experience with ex husband. 11 yr old DS still suffering & we left when he was 4!!!!!
Not healthy for you, yr DD or yr unborn child and ironically not healthy for yr partner either.

"she didn't care if flying debris from what she was smashing up hit DD"

take this as a sign you need to take action here -to do something drastic - so she understands that this is serious...she has effectively threatened your dd.

agree she sounds depressed (and/or simply) frustrated - but it is her repsonsibility to take action and sit with you and talk about how to make it better given the circumstances.

Thanks for all your replies - it's good to have the support. After more arguments and shouting on Saturday, I asked if we could try talking things through calmly and through lots of tears, we managed it. I think DP now gets that if I'm acting like a robot and seem uncaring it's because it's the only way I can cope with the current pressures we have on us, but that my family are most important. I suggested DD goes to a childminder we know a couple of afternoons a week to give DP some time out from round the clock childcare - and perhaps an opportunity to get some counselling which is difficult to do with a toddler in tow. Having pushed back on this in the past, I was really pleased that she actually agreed to this and hope that this will improve things for all of us. She has been really great this weekend - even ran me a surprise bath yesterday and has been going out of her way to share the load more equally.

I think this has been a wake up call to both of us - I know I've been taking her for granted because the work situation hasn't given me time to do much else, but I do need to consider how she feels too given she gets no help at all with DD during the week as I'm either not around or too tired to do anything.

I really hope we'll be alright and with some compromises and changes from both sides, things will continue to get better, but thank you all for your concern, comments and thoughts. It has really helped me take a step back from the whirlwind of it all!

It can be very isolating being stuck at home with a child. When one parent is out working and the other is a SAHM, very often each parent feels it has the worst deal.

Yes, steff. All those news items about lesbians attacking and murdering their partners. Men must be so shocked. Wind your neck in, woman. you're talking utter crap.