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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help.....I feel like the worst person in the world

29 replies

littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 10:23

I am currently trying to ned my marriage, my dh is absolutely heartbroken and my dd behaviour suffering but I just feel like I have reached the end of the line and I have got to go through with it this time. I have discussed splitting up before (during last 2 years) but we always brushed it away and tried again. This time I feel different, I am confused and he is a lovely genuine person and good father.... but we have just been through SO much and I just feel like I need that chance to try and be on my own and see if I will be happier. This is our 10th year together and I guess that's a milestone for me. When I look back over the last 10 years I do not want another 10 years like that. I just feel like I have a mountain in front of me and I am going to rip my dh and dd world apart and its not a nice feeling at all Sad

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Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 10:26

END my marriage........miss spell the most significant word!

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JessicaDrew · 11/03/2011 10:28

But why is it so bad? you have not said why?

lubeybooby · 11/03/2011 10:28

Been there... just do it and don't prolong the agony. The sooner it's done and definite the sooner you can all start moving on.

Saying this because you sound sure to me and I felt very similar at the end of my marriage and a lot of trying. It's been the best thing I ever did despite the intial crappy bits x

ginnyjeans · 11/03/2011 10:29

Wow thats hard. Not sure I have any advice, except be careful what you wish for. The grass may not be greener. But have a Hug on me.

Ormirian · 11/03/2011 10:31

"but we have just been through SO much"

What kind of 'so much'? Do you mean in your relationship or other things like money worries?

BertieBotts · 11/03/2011 10:34

How about a trial separation rather than a definite split, if what you want is to see how you feel about being on your own?

If you know you definitely want to end the relationship though that could just drag things out. It sounds definite from the way you said you don't want another 10 years like the last 10.

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 10:38

oh god Ive been on here a number of times over the last few years about one thing or another, ginnyjeans you and I were talking on her a week or two ago.

what have we been through..
-his depression, he never goes out, doesnt socialise, is permenantly 'down' on the world and very depressing to be around
-His ex has been on our backs for the entire 10 years had me arrested, cost us £000's in solicitors letters and injunctions and court orders
-I don't get on with his family (don't even talk to them now)
-I am very ambitious, career minded, just coming to the end of my second degree and always setting myself goals and trying to better myself for me and my family...he has no inspiration or motivation and I dont think I've ever seen him get enthusiastic about anything

he IS a lovely, faithful, caring, good to talk to man but........

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Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 10:52

haha speechless! how can I realistically stay in this marriage

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Anniegetyourgun · 11/03/2011 11:04

I think you've just described a pet dog, not a husband.

squeakytoy · 11/03/2011 11:31

I guess you cant keep on being his carer. Is he actively trying to do something about his depression? Has he always been like this?

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 14:04

hmm, well I have been to relate and he 'couldnt talk to strangers' he did go on AD for a while but not much changed, his parents wont have a word said about him and pussy foot around the ex because they are terrifed of losing touch with the grandson,
he is begging me to try again saying that things are going to get better etc but I just can't see it, yes financially things will improve come the end of the year when I start working again full time but a huge chunk of that will go in maintenance to his ex and everything else will stay the same as it has done the last 10 years, I asked him when the last time he took me (not the family) but ME out for a nice meal and he couldnt remember....thats because its been about 6 years or more. If anything happens or gets done, its because I do it

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deste · 11/03/2011 17:21

I dont think you are getting anything out of this marriage and to top it all you will have to pay maintenance to his ex. I think you know what to do.

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 21:48

its pretty black and white on paper isnt it so why do I feel like the worst person in the world and sometimes i feel terrifed that i will be a struggling single mother for the foreseeable future

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fifi25 · 11/03/2011 21:56

For your own sake leave. It sounds like you have already made up your mind and want to go. I was with my partner for 13 years. The last 5 years of it i was miserable and wanted out. I ended up having another daughter as we split up. We have lived apart for 3 years now. Its was hard at first but now we are both much happier. He has the 3 kids whenever he wants and they are happy. Its better having 2 happy parents apart than 2 miserable one together Smile

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 22:08

hmm,....yes but he will move away back to his family and our dd will virtually lose him, he says this is my fault because its what I want, the pressure is awful. I am stuck, wish we could be grown up about it for our dd sake just for the rest of my course becuase i cant afford anything til then, but then I can buy somewhere with my equity and a smallish mortgage

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fifi25 · 11/03/2011 22:14

thats just emotional blackmail though. Do you really think he would move away from his son. It wasnt easy for me at first and we argued a lot. I just got my own house and left as i was stuck in a rut with no life bar the kids.

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 22:17

we have a daughter, his parents and his son and ex all live down south, so yeah I think he will go as like he says what does he have up here? its just me, our daughter and my family.its so sad because I feel like because of me he will lose his job, his house, his daughter .......Sad

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Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 22:20

it woule be so easy to just get back with him because he is a lovely good man but I dont love him anymore, ive lost so much respect for him after years of his low depressing mood, failure to protect me form his ex and i just feel like I need a fresh start

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fifi25 · 11/03/2011 22:26

sorry i misread you have a daughter. Only you know how you feel and how much more you can put up with. I would maybe try a trial seperation, could you move in with your family for a couple of weeks and see how you feel then take it from there?

Original poster
littlemisslost · 11/03/2011 22:31

yeah I did that a year ago, I know I have to do this, like i said earlier in the thread, its like i have a mountain in front of me and its very scary

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DioneTheDiabolist · 11/03/2011 22:38

Littlemisslost, it sounds as though he is putting all the responsibility for this relationship on your shoulders (he won't talk to therapists and is threatening damage to your DD if you do not play ball). This is not on.

Time to put the ball back into his court. Give him an ultimatum - he engages in therapy or it is over NOW.

If he refuses, his absence in your daughter's life is his fault, not yours. Make this clear to him. Should he not accept his responsibilities then it is in no way your fault.

ENormaSnob · 11/03/2011 23:19

I agree with Dione.

This isn't all your fault.

Fwiw, I think your mind is made up. Reading through the issues in your marriage, I would be the same as you.

In the long run I think it would be best for your daughter too.

Original poster
littlemisslost · 12/03/2011 09:30

the therapy thing I am kind of done with, feels like we have been there and I have talked and talked about it and nothing really changes, its like we go to bed and the next day he has forgotten everything I have said ...or thinks I dont mean it.Thats why he is taking it so hard this time because I think finally he can see that I do mean it!
I have told him that I am not going to held responsible for this because I have tried and given my best. I just worry about our dd asking to see her daddy etc and not being able to because he has moved away and it all being my fault....thats how she will see it I guess.
The next few montsh aswell weill be awful, I dont think we will be able to live together until I finish my training perhaps I should go to the council and see if they can offer me anywhere just for a few months Hmm dont fancy it much but on a student nurse bursary all I could rent privately is a bedsit lol

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elephantsaregreen · 12/03/2011 19:14

Hi littlemisslost

You deserve to pursue your own happiness. You deserve a life where you aren't the primary 'carer' and 'driver' of all things in your relationship if that's what you need. There is a huge amount of pressure (I think particularly on women) to stay no matter what, to not break up families. But this is all to YOUR detriment.

He is probably very afraid of being alone but leaving might be the thing that triggers him to finally and properly get his life sorted.

I'm in a similar situation. My Partner has severe dsylexia which he is only now dealing with, depression/anxiety (only back on meds since I said we should split), I make all the difficult decisions and sort out all our finances, legal stuff etc. He is a man of few words and I am a deep thinker/feeling person.

There is nothing wrong with us women deciding we want something else in our lives.

Our previous decisions do not condemn us to our future ones.

(now sits back with a cup of tea and tries to take her own advice)

Original poster
littlemisslost · 13/03/2011 22:17

thanks elephantsaregreen
I asm feeling truely awful this evening after numerous conversations with dh and others, he says I am being horrible, and is it my plan to just be as horrible as possible so he will just leave me!

I dont mean to be horrible I just feel very very confused and im getting angry, I feel like everybody is looking at me like a home wrecker and he said I was being stupid and what I was doing was the worst thing thats ever happened to him Sad the responsibility is killing me and the guilt is making me angry, I feel trapped.
I just dont love him anymore, he said he would go to counselling but I think its too little to late and my feelings for him have been overuled by resentment frustration. I feel so sorry for him though, moping around the house trying to do stuff and looking so sad

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