help.....I feel like the worst person in the world

[littlemisslost]

I am currently trying to ned my marriage, my dh is absolutely heartbroken and my dd behaviour suffering but I just feel like I have reached the end of the line and I have got to go through with it this time. I have discussed splitting up before (during last 2 years) but we always brushed it away and tried again. This time I feel different, I am confused and he is a lovely genuine person and good father.... but we have just been through SO much and I just feel like I need that chance to try and be on my own and see if I will be happier. This is our 10th year together and I guess that's a milestone for me. When I look back over the last 10 years I do not want another 10 years like that. I just feel like I have a mountain in front of me and I am going to rip my dh and dd world apart and its not a nice feeling at all

It sounds like a hard hard situation. And he will probably be sad. And angry. maybe even mean. Try to understand that this is like an adult tantrum. He probably doesn't mean it but can't help it.

Just remember that if he is wrong for you, then you are also wrong for him.

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I'm in a very similar place. Have you been reading the thread about the Guardian article? There are a couple of us posting about this very topic there.

Chin up!

If it's been bad for years there is very little chance of real change.

and really, you should be congratulated for making it this far.

You sound like you are judging yourself very harshly, probably harsher than you would judge anyone else... try to afford yourself the same kindness that you would to any other woman who just told you the same story.

wishing you lots of strength..

Hi Littlemisslost

I feel you are talking about what has been happening to me - depressed H, studying in your thread, apart from I have no ex to contend with.
I never felt that I could leave even though I have family nearby and he didn't, but I often asked him to go.
In the end he did go.
I'm on the whole doing OK, balancing work, children, housework etc. I too was studying till last year and he left just as I finished my course, maybe that's what he was waiting for - I don't think I could have ever left.
Things are still raw for me, so at the moment I can't say it's been the best thing, but the children seem to be getting on with it better than me and more accepting of the situation, and I feel they are better not seeing all the arguments etc. He went back to his parents which is quite a distance, but he does make the effort to see them alot, however it's helped that he is still working up this way.

I'm afraid I have not got much advice as I'm still going through it, but maybe knowing that someone else understands how you are feeling may help.

I do think though with me things could not have gone on the way they were and something had to happen I was just not brave enough to do it. Perhaps in your situation you have to be that brave person, and as others have said at the moment it could just be a temporary thing, which may soften the blow for DD. Ours was initially temporary, although he too was a man of little words and I wanted to keep the children informed as best I could so I could reasure them about were they would live and who with and what was happening, but felt I couldn't cos I did not know what was happening as he would not talk. If you are the driving force then you can provide that solid rock for your DD.

Not sure if this has helped - good luck.

thankyou for yor replies.
Its all still happening and its been a fraught week. I really do think this is the best thing its just very very hard breaking somebodies heart and breaking up a family unit.
I am getting a bit anxious about never finding anyone else too! Im sure this is normal in these circumstances. Im scared of being on my own forever, going out on meaningless dates with horrible men lol Im sure there are SOME nice single men still out there?? IM scared of struggling and being lonely but I have two good friends who have left their dh in the last 4 years and both are now with other people are far far happier which I am trying to focus on

I have a friend who is now single and loving it! She has time to herself and so the time she has with her DD is of higher quality. Her ex and her get along well (now after some time) and it's very helpful to me to see her like this.

this might seem a bit random, but I've just started reading a book called 'calling in the one' and once you get past the hokeyness of it, it has really good advice about sorting out yourself internally (mentally and emotionally).

The one idea that has stuck with me is the idea that 'you are the source of your unhappiness and happiness'. The idea of 'radical responsibility' that it's up to each of us to examine how we have helped co-construct the negative patterns that keep us in bad spaces.

Soooo... I'm trying to examine myself and figure out what I did to get in this situation, this relationship with this man. How did I help make this happen? That way I can help NOT make it happen in the future. I'm not for one minute saying you and I are to 'blame', but it's fair to say we helped get ourselves here.

I'm like you in that I don't want to be alone, but I sure as eggs don't want another dysfuncitonal relationship. I would rather be alone (although a month ago I wouldn't have been able to say that.)