Need help its a very big problem.

[handsoffmycake]

I will try not to make this too long. Its complicated but I hope you can give me some advice.

Relationship with DH always been somewhat difficult. 20 years older than me and very stuck in his ways. When I was younger I would just cry when we argued and say sorry even if I didnt feel I was in the wrong.

Been married 6 years now and 2 DC under 3.

Sex life always been difficult as I had very bad experiences before I met DH but we managed to work through it (but left me with issues)

After having DC1 sex was last thing I wanted, we really only did it once we decided to conceive DC2.

After DC2 (who is now 11 months) we have had sex once. I have no sex drive at all. I have PND and am just struggling. I am in regular contact with doctor/psychiatrist.

DH about every 2 weeks has a big moan about no sex saying Ive been pushing him away for years now and cant I just get on with it and TRY and have sex with him. I have tried to explain its not something I can turn on and off. I have told him maybe if I have more help from him (I do just about everything for DC2) then maybe I will feel better and more up for it. We have been having this conversation for so long.

Big row yesterday and talk about splitting up. He says Ive pushed him so far away now. I do hug him/kiss him etc. I tell him yes the sex is a problem but it will just take time and effort.

When the DC are in bed in the evenings he doesnt make any effort to talk to me/engage pleasantly. He told me last night he has been doing this as "whats the point?"

He does not seem to understand I cannot just WANT sex and then get on with it. I have told him we need to be actually getting on with each other for me to want it. Is this wrong?

He seems to think if I just have sex with him then all the problems go away. I told him last night that I could just lie there for him but I can guarantee it will cause more problems.

He has made me feel so unreasonable and I have no clue if I am being? I love him but this relationship needs a heck of a lot more than just love.

Please advice its really getting me down.

Tell him to book relate sessions.

Men and women can see sex differently.

Your husband appears to think that everything would be fine if you would have sex with him.

You appear to need emotional connections and support in the home so you will feel close to him, and less tired, and maybe more inclined to want sex.

Would your husband be willing to have counselling?

If you can't talk to him, a problem in itself, then can you show him something similar to your original post.

It is time for a big conversation and consideration to ending your marriage as neither of you are happy.

Don'T underestimate the strain of having a really young child in the house. The tension only really starts to ease when your child hits about three. Is it possible to wait it out, give each other 18 months and see how you feel then?

As for the sex, it looks as though he's got it into his head that penetrative sex is his "right" due to him (or something) . It's not IMO, although other people differ on this, and often when a man is fixated on penetrative sex it can turn the woman off even more.

How about telling him that you'd really like some cuddles that won't lead to sex? Is he willing to make the effort?

I have suggested counselling before - apart from not being able to afford it, he would not go.

He says they will just tell him he is in the wrong and to wait for me to feel better

He's 20 year older but acting like a teenager! Sulking because you're not giving him sex?

A decent patient man would still be loving and caring and affectionate to you even when there was no sex. 11 months is actually not that long, many couples take much longer than that before getting back to normal.

I'm worried about him being so distant - is he supportive and understanding of your PND?

I have told him time and again I think it will just take time for me to feel like a sex life again.

I am so so tired. I have no time to myself. Its getting better as my youngest gets older as DH is more willing to look after her by himself but not for long.

I dont think he sees any problem in himself.

We have horrible horrible issues but neither of us want to split up. Wrong or not.

God I feel like crying. I am fantastic at putting on a brave face but I tell him often how bad I feel. I dont think he gets it.

11 months really isn't that long. Some women want sex a few weeks after the birth (or so we tend to hear) but a lot of women aren't interested because their baby is obviously the priority. If you're breastfeeding you're bound to have a low libido anyway.

Thanks for replies. I have sort of withdrawn from all my friends due to PND and have no-one to talk to about this.

DH says he has been patient for 4 years in regards to crap sex life and thats too long. I did point out we have 2 children under 3. So we must have done something?!

I am breastfeeding. I tell DH all the reasons I dont have sex drive and he says they are EXCUSES.

2 children under three. You (and hopefully he) will look back and laugh at how unreasaonable he's being.

"tactile overload" was a phrase I once read, referring to how young mothers feel at the end of the day after caring for infants. Babies and young children want so much of you physically that you have nothing left to give to the man in the house.
He is being self-centred.

My libido returned after I stopped breastfeeding my eldest at about 21 months. I'm still BF DS.

please don't give up breastfeeding for this though!!

Thanks sakura I will not give up BF. I stopped with my DS at 21 months also. My DD will probably be the same.

I am glad I am not being told I am awfully unreasonable. I wish he had a friend to talk to about it. I think he needs someone else to say to him "Hey, actually you have a great wife give her a break!"

I really appreciate your reply.

Is your breastfeeding one of the things stopping you from having a sexual relationship with your husband?

OP so you are saying you have had sex two times in three years? I'm not of the opinion sex is a right, but it generally is a large part of a loving marriage and I can see why your dh misses it. His attitude is all wrong though. He thinks sex is how you will show your love, and him you. What he needs to do is make you feel loved in day to day ways, by co parenting, doing his share of the housework/childcare, being an equal partner. I can understand your resentment, I really can. But I think the sex issue needs to be addressed soon, and he is clearly of the opinion it's never going to get better.

When ds was born, I honestly thought I would never have sex again. I dreaded it, and I recognise what the poster said about 'sensory overload'. I was giving so much of myself all day and night, breastfeeding, carrying ds around, just loving him and being with him, that dh began to feel like a hindrance to me, that he was bleeding me dry, an already depleted me.

It does get easier as they get older of course, and your PND must have been awful for you. But your dh needs to look at the bigger picture and help you feel more relaxed and happy, and that means pulling his finger out.

I understand that you totally dont feel like sex and have hardly done it for a number of years - but I wonder whether for your husband's benefit (and ultimately yours if it is something that he needs in order to feel loved) you could consider having sex for his benefit only - just doing the deed - you dont HAVE to enjoy it as long as you have participated willingly (ie no force invovled) - he's not going to take too long about it is he!!

No we have had sex more than twice in 3 years. Maybe about 10 or so times. Still not much I admit. And only once in last 11 months.

BF is not stopping me I dont think though I am sure it contributes to low sex drive.

henchick when we had sex a couple of months ago I did it because he wanted it and I thought Ill just make myself. It was not great. I felt a bit violated. And he still wasnt really happy.

mmm, is it worth the effort though? if he was getting uunenthusiastic sex fairly regularly, would he not be much happier (and therefore would you also be?) than he is now? not saying you/he would, just an idea

"you dont HAVE to enjoy it as long as you have participated willingly "

Have I gone back to the 1950's?

"if he was getting uunenthusiastic sex fairly regularly"

Would you be happy with unenthusiastic sex fairly regularly henchick?

handsoffmycake - does your DH support you with raising your children i.e. does he take the children off you for a while why you go and have a bath; help out with the night shifts; pull his weight around the house etc?

I know what you mean about wanting them to talk to a friend. Dd2 is 5 months and dh is still sleeping on the sofa. When I talk to my friends they all nod in recognition so I know this is just the way things are with a young baby. But dh doesn't talk to people about it so I think he sees it as a sign of something worse. We make sure we talk about it though.

You really need to write off the first 3 years with young children!

I understand you must be feeling terrible, and it doesn't sound like DH is helping but I can also see where he is coming from.

You obviously feel very emotional about sex whereas DH can maybe just see the physical side.

What about going away for the weekend together or 1 night/2 days to relax and reconnect. Have you tried recreating what brought you together in the first place such as a candle-lit dinner or watching a film you saw together at the beginning of your relationship.

Maybe you could try a bit of self-exploration to find out what turns you on, read erotic stories or watch porn. You could also do this together. I also find phone sex or text messages/ little notes can do the trick during me and DP's dry spell.

I understand its difficult with the DCs being around and you just don't feel in the mood but maybe if you could break down the barriers by yourself it will be easier to let DH in

Sex drive problems can't be fixed by compromising. The problem isn't the difference in sex drive, it's the way it is dealt with. If you compromise on it, you'll feel used, worst case violated, he'll still feel rejected because he'll know you're not into it. It solves nothing.

You need to be willing to talk and communicate over it - preferably to take sex completely out of the question and solve the underlying problems before even thinking about having sex again.

If he was speaking to you like this on a first/second/third/fourth date, when you were still feeling nervous about your past sexual experiences, would you want to have sex with him? Or would you not feel secure enough to want to? It's no different just because you've been married for years. You still have to feel safe and secure and that he cares about you and doesn't just want one thing. ESPECIALLY important when you have had bad experiences in the past. He should understand this considering he helped you work through these at the beginning of the relationship :( Breastfeeding is unlikely to make a massive difference, BTW. Your husband's support (emotional and practical) and your general happiness and stress levels will play a much higher part in it.

You say you have huge issues but neither wants to split up - that sounds hard :( what are the good things you are hanging onto?

@handsoffmycake I'm so sorry about the bad experiences you had before marriage, which are bound to have contributed to your feeling used. I've recommended Sandra Pertot's book elsewhere today, so perhaps I need to get commission from Amazon. It's called "Perfectly Normal: A Woman's Guide to Living with Low Libido" (tinyurl.com/5ssjuyt) and it's the best book I've ever read on the subject. She discusses how men and women have different sexual drives and the problems that this causes in relationships. DH was amazed to discover that actually I'm pretty typical in that I don't feel like sex a lot of the time and that I might not get anywhere at all, even when we do.

Without wanting to seem like a throwback to the 50s, I think it is part of being a wife to have sex with your husband, because that's part of what being married is about. I may not be enthusiastic, but I am willing, because it's what we agreed we would do. Of course, I don't have your back history, so it may be different for you. the question is therefore how much sex is enough. For my DH, I'm not sure there is an upper limit.

What Sandra Pertot suggests is that we allow for the possibility of 'relationship' sex. That is, where we have sex in order to build our relationship, rather than from an overflow of desire. Rather shockingly she paints a scenario where the wife might agree to sex as long as she can go to sleep in the middle! I haven't quite gone that far with DH, although it's been close a few times.

Because I love DH, I like being close and feeling his touch, even if I'm just too tired to respond like I used to. Sometimes the fires awaken though, even when I wasn't expecting them to. I don't feel used, because it's my choice to give him the sexual closeness that he wants. I'd add that it's a two-way street though. He knows that being helpful around the house will increase his chances of my being relaxed enough to get turned on later, even though it's far from a guarantee.

It's a big generalisation, but men feel loved when they have sex, while women feel sexy when they're loved. So not having sex puts a big strain on a husband, especially if he feels that he's doing all the 'right' things.

In my experience BF doesn't make much of a difference either way, it was looking after DCs that wore me out. Ultimately, it was a compromise in that DH didn't get the exciting sex kitten that he wanted, but I didn't get all the sleep I wanted either. The key is to work out where that compromise lies for you. I suspect it will involve more sex than now, but it's something you need to discuss, possibly with a counsellor.

I was in your H's shoes to some extent. Pregnancy and bfing turned my exH off, not me. (However he had other issues that were nothing like your relationship) He refused counselling for years throughout our relationship, which was horrible both in and out of the bedroom. The idea that one should compromise when it comes to sex doesn't really sit easily with me and I wonder if this advice would be ventured if the situation was more like mine than the OP's which is the reverse -- as someone said upthread, how would putting up with it sex feel really, to either partner? I wish I had just gone to counselling on my own. I think it would have saved me years of horrible 'marriage'. I also thought I had a lot to lose but now I think it was fear of change that contributed to what was essentially inertia.

I would really be inclined to go to counselling yourself, especially for the PND (who do you talk to abut that?). Not because it might work out in the bedroom for your H if you were 'fixed', or because anyone owes anyone else anything here, but because you owe yourself a chance at happiness, living with issues resolved.

Your H really can't refuse to go to counselling. His 'excuses' in that regard are childish in the extreme. Does he or does he not want a relationship that is mutually satisfying? Does he or does he not understand that sex for the two of you takes place in the context of a relationship?

Frankly I think you would both be better off if split. Your husband feels unloved because of the rejection over what appears to be years and that is why he is now withdrawing from the relationship.

Neither of you is happy. Neither of you appears to be making any effort to deal with the issue and it has been going on for years. It may be better to just accept it is not resolvable.

How do you feel about that as a solution?

What a shame your feeling like this. DH is not helping putting on the pressure like this, not a turn on being demanding.

Has the sex in the past been any good? May be he is selfish in bed and needs to think about what you would like, do you even know what you would like?

How do you feel about your self? If you can't think of your self as sexy you wont think sexual thoughts.

Stick to your guns there is no point having sex just for his sake you should both want it.