Need help its a very big problem.

[handsoffmycake]

I will try not to make this too long. Its complicated but I hope you can give me some advice.

Relationship with DH always been somewhat difficult. 20 years older than me and very stuck in his ways. When I was younger I would just cry when we argued and say sorry even if I didnt feel I was in the wrong.

Been married 6 years now and 2 DC under 3.

Sex life always been difficult as I had very bad experiences before I met DH but we managed to work through it (but left me with issues)

After having DC1 sex was last thing I wanted, we really only did it once we decided to conceive DC2.

After DC2 (who is now 11 months) we have had sex once. I have no sex drive at all. I have PND and am just struggling. I am in regular contact with doctor/psychiatrist.

DH about every 2 weeks has a big moan about no sex saying Ive been pushing him away for years now and cant I just get on with it and TRY and have sex with him. I have tried to explain its not something I can turn on and off. I have told him maybe if I have more help from him (I do just about everything for DC2) then maybe I will feel better and more up for it. We have been having this conversation for so long.

Big row yesterday and talk about splitting up. He says Ive pushed him so far away now. I do hug him/kiss him etc. I tell him yes the sex is a problem but it will just take time and effort.

When the DC are in bed in the evenings he doesnt make any effort to talk to me/engage pleasantly. He told me last night he has been doing this as "whats the point?"

He does not seem to understand I cannot just WANT sex and then get on with it. I have told him we need to be actually getting on with each other for me to want it. Is this wrong?

He seems to think if I just have sex with him then all the problems go away. I told him last night that I could just lie there for him but I can guarantee it will cause more problems.

He has made me feel so unreasonable and I have no clue if I am being? I love him but this relationship needs a heck of a lot more than just love.

Please advice its really getting me down.

FFS it's not remotely surprising or unreasonable that you don't want to have sex with this man. His attitude and his behaviour have turned sex into a chore that you are expected to perform for his benefit.
Nothing kills a woman's libido faster than living with a man who does fuck all round the house and then expects his DW to lie back and open her legs at the end of the day.
Your H is a selfish, sexist, entitled knobend. This is obvious from the fact that everything you have suggested he might do to make you feel more inclined towards having sex has been met with refusal to co operate or compromise. He fundamentally believes that you are a household appliance with a fuckhole.

Oh and HaS a better book for you to read would be Delusions of Gender. It is frankly bullshit that men and women have biologically different sex drives.

SpringchickenGoldBrass: You really are completely messed up. Your comments are aggressive, unhelpful and really childish.

To the original poster you don?t invest years with a partner and produce children only just to throw it away.

All relationships have difficulties at some point and to understand that is to know that both you and he have to compromise. Real, proper relationships evolve through communication not blaming. Start talking and ignore some of the crass comments on here.

Again many thanks for the replies. Its good to get a range of replies even if I dont agree with some advice.

I cannot just lie there and let him get on with it. I have had awful experiences with men all the way up to meeting DH. When I met him I was so scared of men that I could not even go into a shop if there was a man serving behind the counter.

In this regard DH was patient and caring and a trust was built.

I can see us having a sex life again when I am not absolutely tired out and fed up. I do tell him this. He DOES need to help me more in all areas. I do the bulk of children and housework. He works p/t so is home a lot. He is very stuck in his ways, but I can see he is trying after our big argument.

chrisinbirmingham I thank you for seeing that all relationships have difficulties and that I have not invested years and had two beautiful children to throw it all away. Sometimes I DO wonder what keeps us together and it is just this. We do still have love and the will to make it work.

CHrisinbirmingham: What's messed up about pointing out that a man who is not prepared to invest any effort in helping his wife or responding to her requests is a selfish prick? Men are not entitled to sex as a service just because they are married.

HOMC If your H does actually make an effort (and keeps it up) then hopefully you can sort things out. BUt be wary of him doing the washing up and then getting his cock out.

@ SpringchickenGoldBrass latest comment.

Handsoffmycake: Your statement ?We do still have love and the will to make it work? says it all. Remember it each day and repeat it aloud in front of the mirror to reinforce the message. Go back to basics and really open up about your fears and doubts. Your hopes and dreams. Liston to his fears, doubts, hopes and dreams. Start talking. Start communicating and listening and in time you will get your relationship back on track but with all things compromise is the key in any situation so both parties walk away from the table thinking they got something from the discussion. Good luck.

I actually think SGB has a bit of a point. OP has PND, could do with some understanding, not some slathering aged bornagain teenager kicking cans cos he can't get his end away.

I worry about the reason for the age difference, does he dominate you OP in other ways, does he listen to your opinion, your desires, needs and aspirations or are you expected to do as you are told? He thought he could have sex on tap with a young girl/woman, and feels it's his right to demand it, no matter what is going on with you.

The more someone carps about demanding sex, the less likely you are going to want it.

FWIW OP, I don't think YOUR libido is the issue, it's his view of you and his lack of respect, support and understanding.

So the only thing keeping you together is the fact that you have been together for some years and you have kids. Not good enough reason all on it's own.

If he won't invest HIS efforts in trying to make you feel more valued, desirable and genuinely wanted. Patiently supporting you no matter what, then tbh, how on earth is it going to work?

Far better to do the above in counselling than start on your own, which can lead to fights and further estrangement. Hopefully the H here will see that.

I don't personally see the attitude to counselling of the H as reported earlier won't go as can't afford it, won't go because he thinks a counsellor would just 'side' with the OP as a good indicator that this H will be up for the sort of listening and goodwill that will be required. They need to get to the bottom of where this attitude of his is coming from.

In light of the fact now revealed that he works pt and is home a good deal, I find his lack of help around the house quite a shocker too. Given that the OP here has PND, I would have thought he would be falling over himself to make her life easier and relieving her of stress, instead of which he seems to be focusing on his needs and his needs only.

I suspect that to open up about her fears and dreams would come across to this man as whinging or accusations. He really must be dragged to counselling.

I think that by the end of a long day with two young children literally hanging off you, it's understandable that the last thing you would feel like is sex. I was exactly the same when mine were so young.

I suggested to my husband that we opt for quickies in the morning if ever we got an opportunity. As I said to him, it may not sound v romantic but needs must! I told him it wouldn't be forever, just while things were so full on with the kids. We actually used to joke about the "small window of opportunity" when I had a bit of energy and the kids were asleep/at nanas.

Remember, this really tough time with young ones doesn't last forever - things will get easier and you will feel like your old self again.

I think most women hate being pressurised into sex. Moaning and nagging doesn't exactly make you want to rip your kit off with desire!! Your DH needs to have more sensitivity imo but for him too, the difficult stage probably feels like a long, hard slog. Do you have anyone who could have the kids even for one night so you could have a night away or even just a meal out together to regain some emotional closeness?

Really hope things improve for you and can completely feel your frustrations x

I haven't been able to read all the posts so sorry if I repeat what someone has already said.
I can completely identify with what you have posted though. Our circumstances are not identical but we have many similarities.
My dh and I have been together about 18 years. In that time we have had our ups and downs. Having dcs puts a huge strain on things, as does work life etc.
The one big thing that we have done that has totally refreshed our marriage is to start "dating" again. It is not easy or cheap but it has been worth every penny.
We have arrangements with a couple of girls who live very close by us who get in touch whenever they are free on a Friday or Saturday night to babysit (this is the expensive bit.) We then go out for a meal, to the cinema, to see a band, for a drink, to the theatre...whatever you enjoy and can afford.
At first we were actually a bit shy of each other and didn't really know what to say to each other but after a while it became more natural again. Going to a film or band or the theatre takes the pressure off constant conversation and then gives you something to talk about afterwards.
Once we had gone a few more times it became more "normal" again and we had more fun with each other.
This leads on to other areas of the relationship. I can't just go from being ignored to being comfortable in the bed. It has to be built up over a while - I need to be wooed.
If you cannot get a babysitter then can you cook a candlelit dinner, rent a dvd and set aside a "date night" within the house. We do this too and it also helps. It means he turns off the stuff I don't enjoy on the tv or puts down his magazines and journals and I put down the laptop. Again the conversation can be stilted the first few times but it does come if you give it time.
For us it was all about reengaging with each other.
I don't think all is lost. I think you both just need to take the time to reconnect with each other again.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Marriages need to be invested in, they don't just run along smoothly if ignored.